"Treasured possessions and Holy temples"

Growing up, one of my weekly chores (and least favorite I might add) was dusting. My mom always made sure to tell me, "Pick everything up and dust underneath it, not just around it." (Like I ever did such a thing?)

However, there was always one thing she never wanted me to touch until I was older; her lighted curio cabinet where she kept her carnival glass that she collected. I never really understood as a kid what was special about it, but as I got older I learned to appreciate it more.

We tend to take great care with and of the things that mean the most to us. Of course there were things that meant far more to my mom than her carnival glass, but this was something unique to her that she treasured and took time to find.

So, I ask you, what things do you treasure?

I unknowingly started to collect hats and coffee mugs. I don't consider those "treasures", but I like them. As the years have gone by I find myself collecting less things, and treasuring people, relationships, and memories more. Perhaps we can all do a little more of that at times.

Matthew 6:21

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

It also led me to this question:

How often do we stop to remember that WE are God's treasures?

1 Peter 2:9

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

Not only are we God's treasured possessions, but our bodies are His temples.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

As temples were a sacred meeting place, holy ground in the past - so are we, in the present. I know the context of those verses is talking about what we do WITH our bodies, but I believe how we care for them and for ourselves is just as important.

How are the conditions of our temples? Sometimes in the busyness of life we forget to take care of ourselves as much as we care for the people and things (treasures) around us. A quote I use often is, "You can't pour from an empty cup."

My prayer and hope for all of us is that we will take a little extra time to reflect, restore (our temples), and fill up our cups from the well of living water (God's word) so that it can overflow as an outpouring of love onto those around us.

John 13:34‭-‬35

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Xoxo, J

I shall call this one "Beatitudes and Blessings"

I am certain that my fellow believers can relate when I say that I have sown many seeds, unbeknownst to me the kind of ground they were falling onto. We all play different roles in the life of those seeds - whether we plant them, water them, or are blessed enough to see the fruit produced from seeds planted long ago (whether we planted them or not).

Similarly, someone cared enough to plant a seed in my heart roughly 19 years ago, and God has faithfully put people in my path to water it ever since.

Matthew 13:3-9

Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear."

We don't always know how or if the seeds we plant will grow and under what conditions the ground will be, but we keep planting them anyway. We keep watering them anyway.

Matthew 13:18-23

“Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

You see, I kept hearing the Word, but it was several years later before the seed (Word of God) falling onto good soil (me, through sanctification) produced a crop (fruit). After a few years, these crops that were being produced in me I often thought of as burdensome at times, if I'm being completely honest.

Matthew 5:3-11 The Beatitudes

“Blessed are the poor in spirit (humility), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn (sensitivity), for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (obedience), for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful (compassion), for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart (holiness), for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers (reconciliation), for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness (commitment), for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me (patience).

God was putting me through a process of purification in which I came to understand what it means to be these things: humble, sensitive, meek, obedient, compassionate, holy, reconciled, committed, and patient. However, with these new found character qualities He was teaching me, often came great heartache. When you become humbled, it can sometimes be confused with "not good enough". Sensitivity can often feel like rejection, and meekness can sometimes look to others as being too passive. Obedience can become hyper focused, compassion for others can be taken advantage of, and holiness can sometimes be a lonely and quiet road. Reconciliation often takes courage, and commitment is not always reciprocated. Patience is the hardest, and though I still continously strive to be more like Christ in all of these things, I am so thankful that He is so patient with me.

Bible footnote:

"The distinctiveness of these Beatitudes is that they are directly related to the kingdom of heaven, and the blessings promised are due to to the presence and activity of Jesus."

The things I used to often think of as burdensome are just further evidence of Jesus' work within me. What beautiful gifts those are!

I know life gets heavy sometimes friend. I know people disappoint us and we suffer a lot of heartache in this world, but shine anyway - in ALL of the ways that our Father created you to.

Matthew 5:14-16

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Sitting at my kitchen table is where I seem to hear God the most I believe; and then I realized why. 19 years ago in a small home in East Indianapolis, I stood in a tiny kitchen - leaning against a table as old as I was, while this petite, sweet, humble, meek, radiant woman told me all about Jesus. I can still see her smile, feel her soft hand in mine, and smell her fresh, floral perfume.

Now when I sit at my kitchen table, it represents family, communion, fellowship, breaking of bread, and happy hearts - but mostly, the blessings of Beatitudes and Jesus.

Xoxo, J

I want to tell you a story about a girl I know. She was born in Wisconsin and grew up in the suburbs in Minnesota. She was very shy, quiet, reserved, and socially awkward. She was an only child until her mom remarried when she was 8. The only steady male figure she remembered having in her life up until that point was her grandfather, or “Pop Pop” as she called him. He made her breakfast every morning and walked her to and from school every day. He was her safe place, the one she went to when she had bad dreams or a bad day. Her new step dad was patient and kind, but she was angry at the world after being in the middle of an unfair divorce and didn’t trust as easily anymore. Her new step sister was 10 years older and didn’t want anything to do with her. The man she thought was her biological dad had not been in the picture for quite some time, and she struggled with knowing where she fit into it all. As a teenager, her mom told her that she did not actually know who her biological father was, and that it was either her first husband or the man she had an affair with while married to him. The relationship with her mother became strained and started deteriorating. The relationship with her step dad was slow going and challenging. She started to rebel - going to parties, sneaking out the house, running away from home, smoking, drinking, experimenting with drugs, and ended up in a runaway shelter for homeless youth. Growing up in a broken home with so many unanswered questions, she started seeking validation from others in all of the wrong places and ways. She was trying to fill a God sized hole with worldly things that would never satisfy her or fulfill her heart’s desires…So, she ran. She ran from all the things that had broken her and had broken her heart, thinking she would eventually find solace somewhere along the broken path. She became pregnant at 17, homeless in another state at 18, with a baby and no direction. She gave her life to Jesus in her early 20’s, but what did that even mean she wondered? She continued to struggle, bouncing from one home to another, and one relationship to another. She thought herself of very little value, so she would seek comfort in the arms of men she didn’t know just to feel loved, validated, and seen, even if for a very short time. A few years later, she moved back to Minnesota and met the man that would eventually become her husband. Their relationship and marriage was filled with many things, but sadness, anger, infidelity, and resentment won in the end. She lost sight of herself, and gave everything she had to try and make him happy, not realizing that she could never be the sole source of someone else’s happiness. She still gave all of herself trying. They had a baby together and then divorced 5 days before his 1st birthday. A single parent again, she was seeking, but never finding. She reverted back to old habits of looking for all of the wrong things in all of the wrong places but never filling the void in her heart. But then, God. Frustrated, angry, scared, discouraged, and heartbroken, she cried out to God one night saying, “Where are you?? I need you! Why don’t you ever answer me? Why can’t I hear you? Where ARE you?” And in that moment, with tears streaming down her face, dust rolling off of the country gravel road, and over all of the noise of the blaring radio, she heard so clearly, “I never left you”. That girl was forever changed that day. That girl was me. I am not, and never will be the same as I once was. God meets us in our mess, but He never leaves us there. He restores us, He heals us, He redeems us, and He makes the most beautiful things from the ashes of our past. Don’t ever give up on God, because He will never give up on you - even in the midst of despair when you have given up on yourself. He loves you (right where you are, and just as you are) and He wants more for you than you could ever possibly dream of. God is not done with me yet, and He is certainly not done with you. The best is surely yet to come.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Xoxo, J

Faith over fear, but how?

Do you have any idea how hard it is for an overthinker to just "roll with it", to "go with the flow", to "let the the chips fall where they may"? I want so badly to be able to shut off the constant buzz of thoughts and just "go with it", but I can't. Do you know what's it like to live with and love someone that's over critical of everything you do and doesn't value your worth? After a while you start to believe them, and when you finally break free and you think you've picked up all the pieces and made progress to move forward, you find yourself immobilized by fear. You meet an amazing person that sparks hope in your heart, but you're scared, because the last time you loved someone with your whole heart they found someone else, and they left, and you couldn't help but feel not good enough for anyone else after that. Then the overthinking starts...How long will they stay before they realize I'm not what they want? What if I fall for them and they don't feel the same way? I can't be the only one that does this. My heart has seen so much. I'm so tired. My heart is so tired. All this love to give and so although I'm scared, I still hope. I still believe in second chances, in finding love again, in happy endings and endless nights. I believe in you love. I hope you believe too.

Xoxo, J

Lord, lead me

Lord, lead me, for I know not what I am doing. I do know that I want a union that glorifies you all the days of my life. So Lord, lead me. I love you so much, and you are the One I draw my strength from. Open my eyes, soften my heart, allow me to hear you Holy Spirit and speak to me in any way you see fit so that I will hear you. Let my flesh pass away daily so that I become more like you Jesus. Remove anything from my life that is not from you Lord. Give me wisdom, clarity, and discernment to make choices to glorify your name Father. You are the Alpha Omega, the beginning and the end. You made me in your image, and I will always remain a child of the one true King ❤

In your mighty name I pray Jesus,

Amen

Sea Glass

It has been 4 months since I packed up everything I could fit in my minivan, watched my last sunrise in Minnesota and drove halfway across the US to Pennsylvania. I had no idea what to expect and honestly, I was terrified. I was going to be living with someone I didn't know let alone had never met, in a state I had only ever heard about, had no job, almost no money, no family except Croix, and no friends. I've heard people use the term Jesus is my only friend, and at that moment in time I knew exactly what they meant. I was the loneliest and most scared I had been in a long time. I can't say it has been easy. I can't say I didn't cry myself to sleep at least once a week or didn't sleep at all. I can't say I didn't feel homesick. For once I literally went out on a huge leap of faith having no idea the outcome, but it's been a beautiful journey. God has faithfully put people in my life since I've been here not only how I needed them but when. I'm blessed to say He also led me to a great job working with people I love, a cute little apartment to call home for now, a wonderful church filled with nothing but gracious, selfless people, and I've managed to make a few friends. I can now say that I navigate to all the important places without my GPS, buy flowers from the local Irish flower shop across the street, get honked at while driving FAR less frequently, and feel a little lighter on my feet these days. I don't know when the fire in my soul started burning again, but it did. It's a fire so hot I feel like anyone who touches me should feel it, and anyone who looks at me should see it radiating and emitting a soft, warm glow. I used to think I was broken...like a glass that was cracked but not shattered...but I'm not broken. You see, I went to the ocean and as I walking the beach I found a piece of sea glass. It was a pretty blue...the color of the sky at night before it fades into darkness and it reminded me that I haven't ever really been broken. I've simply been washing in and out with tide, the waves shaping me along the way with each passing day. I'm the piece of sea glass on the beach that if you take the time to look for you'll appreciate the simple beauty of and hopefully see your own beauty too.

Xoxo, J

Someday

Someday...someone is going to love me back as much as I love them, as fiercely and as passionately as I love them, and it will be without fear, without limits, without reservations or doubts...and it will be amazing.

Someday. I'm looking forward to you, someday.

Xoxo, J

Pieces

Sometimes you don’t realize how much your past relationships have affected you and shaped you until you’re trying to move on with someone new. Things that would seem harmless or meaningless to other people throw up red flags to you because they are triggers and you didn’t realize it until that present moment. These things are only triggers because they remind me of the behaviors of my ex husband. I resent him in a way for this and I find myself becoming angry because I feel like there will always be pieces of me that are broken because of him. Because of him I’m now overly cautious, guarded, paranoid and feel like my heart is locked up for safekeeping. I feel kind of bad for the man that gets to help break the barriers but I know if he stays long enough to see it through he’ll realize that it was well worth the wait…that I was well worth the wait… that the love I have in this huge heart of mine was well worth the wait. I know we’re all a little broken. I know when we meet certain people they help us feel a little less broken. I’m grateful for those people and keep them tucked a little closer. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and feel almost whole, but until then I know these days are just a way of keeping me humble and grateful for what I have right now, and I’m ok with that.

Xoxoxo, J

I'm starting to feel like I know what I'm doing

I’m not going to lie. There’s a huge sense of pride that filled me yesterday when I realized, “Hey, I’m doing this. I’ve lived on my own for 3 months now…I made rent, nothing bad happened, the kiddo is happy and healthy… yay me!” That may not sound like much to some people, but it’s a lot to me. I probably haven’t had my own place since my older son was 3 or 4, and he’s 18 now. I always lived at home or had roommates. I was with my ex husband for 9 years. When we separated the thought of living alone and being a single parent again absolutely terrified me. So many thoughts and questions ran through my mind. How was I going to afford an apartment AND daycare? How was I going to continue being a great parent in a single parent home? Could I do this? What if fail at everything? I feel like I’m going to fail. Is Croix going to be ok? What am I saying, Croix is always ok. I’m going to miss my dog…so much. What if my neighbors suck? I want my mom. For real though. Haha

I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m very far from it. But somehow, rent and daycare are both getting paid, I try to give Croix the best of me every day and he is ok with that, even if I do fall a little short some days. I’m not failing, my boy is happy, but man, I really do miss my dog, a lot. My neighbors are pretty decent, and I still want my mom some days but we just talk on the phone instead.

I realize all of my worst case scenarios never came true and that I worried about a lot of things for nothing. The point I’m trying to make is, it’s all ok, it will always be ok eventually, everything is temporary, and we all worry about way too many things way more than we should. So I’m focusing more on the things that matter and worrying less about the things that don’t. I’m happier. I’m doing this whole single parent thing and my little dude is happy. That’s what matters. And you know, for once in a very long time, I’m starting to feel like I know what I’m doing, and that’s a big deal.

Xoxo, J

Happy 4 year Unniversary

June 15th. This would have been my ex husband and I 4 year wedding anniversary. Am I sad? No. I really do believe we got the best of each other that we could be at that time. We have a beautiful, smart, sweet baby together. I gained 2 wonderful and amazing step kids. Nothing was wasted. So on this day when it comes, I'm going to appreciate what was, remain optimistic and hopeful of what is yet to come, and say thank you to my ex husband for the great memories, but mostly for being a great daddy. There are so many people that get divorced and the kids take the blame for their failed marriage or relationship. It's heartbreaking. Ladies and gentlemen, put your anger aside and forget about what issues you have with your ex and think about your kids. If they're a good parent, don't make the kids suffer the consequences of your broken relationship. Yes, we're going to screw up sometimes because we aren't perfect, but let them be the great parent they are and see their children when and as often as they want to. And maybe, just maybe, some of the hurt, anger, resentment, and whatever else may be there with your ex will someday dissipate in the wake of seeing what beautiful babies you created together and what wonderful parents they have. There is always a way to turn something broken or negative into something positive. Because after all, the best is yet to come. 💗 xoxo J

I am what I am, but what is that exactly?

I'm not the same person I was before all of this. But I have no idea who I am right now. I do know what I feel today, and that's broken. Not shattered beyond repair or fragile, but broken...like a glass that you can see the crack in but it's still functional. Not quite whole, but not garbage yet either. That's how I feel. Yet I still believe. I believe in love, I believe in happy endings and marrying your best friend, and faithful relationships. I believe in kissing in the rain, and midnight walks, and skinny dipping, and being silly with each other. I believe my person is still out there and I believe that we will find each other. I don't know the how's or why's. I don't know why I was so easily replaceable...almost disposable. I don't know why you justify it to me as if somehow I should agree that you were right for cheating on me. You will never be right for cheating on me. I will never be right for allowing it to happen and being naive to think you wouldn't do it again. But what you don't know is that when you cheated, it invalidated our entire 9 years we spent together...makes it all feel like some sick joke. I hope your new girlfriend doesn't honestly believe she'll always be the only one. For her sake I hope she is. I also hope that in the back of her mind she always wonders since she is the one who finished breaking our already broken marriage. While I may not know a lot of things, I do know a few things. I know I wish you were a better man. I know I deserve a better man, and I know I'm worthy of the kind of love I hope to find. I know someday I won't be angry with you anymore and I hope it's soon. I'll always miss the man you were and I hope you'll be a better man to your girlfriend than you were to me. I don't know who I'm becoming but I know I'm stronger and that's all I need to know today. ❤ Xoxo, J

Marriage 0, Divorce 1

I never expected to fail at marriage. I actually never expected to get married. I thought I had a commitment phobia...I either ended the relationship after a few months because I got scared or bored, or I cheated. There really was no in between. Then I met you...the dark haired, blue eyed "bad boy" with the quirky smile, mouth of a sailor, and tattoos. I fell in love with you, and even though you didn't feel the same way, I convinced myself that someday you would. I was right. It took over a year, but I grew on you and I was finally able to hear those three little words. But that was after you cheated. Twice. And still, I forgave you. And still, I stayed. Things were wonderful after that, for a long time. Then they weren't and I don't know exactly when that changed. But you lost that light in your eyes and it was as if your love for me was now on a dimmer switch...ever changing. We stopped living life together and started living life on your terms. I felt the fire in my soul starting to go out...only an ember away from distinction. What happened? Now as I sit here filling out divorce papers, I can't help but wonder if I could have done something different. But I do know one thing. I gave you the very best of me, and all I had. I loved with every fiber of my being and it wasn't enough. And still, I stayed. And if I'm honest with myself and with you, I never thought a day would come where I wasn't in love with you anymore, but it did. I don't know when and I don't know how, but it happened. I hope someday that you'll be happy again. I am learning to be. I can feel the fire in my soul lighting again. I hope you find yours too. I pray for you...that someday you'll give every part of yourself to someone like I did for you. I pray that you forgive yourself and I pray that someday before it's too late you believe in God and accept Him in your life. He loves you, even when you don't love yourself. I may have failed at marriage but I didn't fail myself. God's got this! I believe in His plan for my life and it's just the beginning. God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. Xoxo, J

Sometimes it doesn't need fixing...

So I find myself needing to go print off do it yourself divorce papers at the library. I keep putting it off. Why, you ask? Not because I don't want the divorce. Not because I'm not ready to move on, because I do, and I am. I dug a little deeper and discovered it's because I feel like I failed, and for once, I can't fix it. I'm the fixer, the glue that holds everything together when it's all going to shit, the one you call because you know I'll listen, give sound advice when asked and just BE there, the mom that believes in tough love but always makes sure they know they're loved, the girl that wears her heart on her sleeve and always gets hurt because she feels too much and loves too hard and fiercely. I'm that girl. I have fire in my soul and eyes the color of whiskey. And I'm the fixer. But I can't fix this. I feel like I've failed myself, my soon to be ex-husband, my in-laws, my parents, my children, my step-children...hell, I feel like I've even failed my dog. But I also realized something else. Not everything needs to be fixed. Some things are best a little weathered, a little torn, a little rough around the edges. It gives it character. So even though we won't be married anymore, we'll still have this great relationship that still exists, not only because of a baby, but because when you truly care about someone you want them to be happy...even if it's not with you. You want them to feel again, all the things that have been missing for so long. And you want them to forgive themselves, because you have already forgiven them. So for my soon to be ex-husband, I wish this for you: That you find the kind of love again that sets your soul on fire...and don't ever let it burn out, that you discover your own self worth, that you make a bucket list and DO IT, that you find the happiness that makes your heart happy and your eyes twinkle. I want that for you. And to the man in my future, know this: I will always care about my ex-husband. Please know the difference and that I'm not in love with him, but I will always care about this man that gave me a beautiful baby and I want the best for him. Please also know that if I give my heart to you, I can't just give you a piece of it. I give it to you whole because it's the only way I know how, so please tread lightly...and I'm loyal to a fault. I'll walk the ends of the earth for the people I love. So please be good to my heart. It has seen a lot. I have seen a lot. If anyone actually reads this, thank you. I hope the day finds you in good graces and that you always feel the sun on your back, even when all you see are clouds. It's time to go to the library. Xoxo, J