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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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“And if, in some distant place in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy, and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love.”
— The Notebook [Nicholas Sparks] (via in-her-wildest-dreams)
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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“how could i think that you would love me? me, with my switchblade mouth and tongue-tied hands. you, with your silk fingers and that summer in your smile.”
— vanessa koh
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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“Nothing hurts more than meeting the right person at the wrong time. Everything is perfect, except for the amount time that you have left together.”
— please don’t go. 
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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😭😭
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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We were so badassss
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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5:48 am
Finished painting for the night. Tried to go to sleep. Charged my old phone to see my old pictures. Tried to not scroll too far.
I couldnt help myself. I went through every social media I could to see old conversations we had. I miss our jokes. You were so funny and cute.
It took me a while. But reading through stuff made me finally see everything. Not only funny nostalgic moments I hold dearly. But also the nostalgic toxic moments.
That whole situation was so bad. I remember the whole time I was willing to do anything for you.
Lol I literally ruined my life for you.
Was it worth it?
Honestly... yeah.
I'm so grateful I got to spend time with you. You probably regret it. Probably think it was a waste of time.
Anyways atleast for me, being able to hold your hand was worth ruining my life. You know how crazy and rare it is to hold the hand of someone you find so beautiful, your willing to do anything for?
But that was the problem. I was too addicted to you. It was dangerous. Unhealthy.
Plus its probably better this way. If only you knew the shit I had to deal with when I moved back. I dont want you to suffer with my families bullshit anymore.
I have to be the strong one for everyone. I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for everyone. Make everyone lives easier. Being the crutch everyone needs. Because I love all of you guys. And I just want everyone to be happy. Even if that means I dont get to see you anymore. Being as far away as possible is the only way i know you can be happy and not mixed in with all this bullshit.
I still do fantasize about us.
I still see you in a white dress, with a huge belly and flowers all around you.
But every time I think about it. It hurts more and more. And it sucks that I have to try and purge it out of my mind when it's so embedded.
I know I'm in a dimension far from that "dream". But I know that andrew deserved you and I know he will treat you right. Or maybe it's a past life, and we lived it. And that's why it's so burned into my brain?
Idk.
*sigh*
I wish I could hug you just one last time. I genuinely miss you.
............
It feels like you died, that's how I feel right now. Being blocked. No updates. No one talks about you anymore. Who fucking knows you might actually be dead. I wish I could just see if your okay.. I want to make a fake profile and send you something. But I know I shouldnt. You chose this. You're choosing to not talk to me. And i have to respect your choice. It's better for you that way I guess.
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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Its 6:47am. Birds chirping. Slow cars driving by. Perfect glow of sunshine from my window. Chilly because of the rain. Stella sleeping on my lap trying to stay warm.
Everything seems perfect.
Yet.. nothing is.
I didnt sleep again. Another night wasted.
All i see when I close my eyes, are your big brown eyes.
I miss the way you looked around.
I was so crazy about you. All i wanted was to see you...
A walking piece of art. So beautiful i never took my eyes off you.
I would watch you from afar.
Singing. Scrolling through your phone. Doing your makeup. Even while you ate. A living godess. Right in front of my eyes.
And nothing would ever beat that feeling. The feeling when you looked up and noticed me, gazing at you. The way your eyes just pierced my soul and made me feel butterflies, everytime.
Your eyes are burned into my mind. And closing my own, only make yours open. Staring at me. Never letting me sleep.
Forcing me to remember, everything.
The way it felt when i had my arms around you at night. How your eyes opened up when i had chocolate. The hours of singing dancing. Even the way you brushed your teeth.
............
Kaley if you ever read this. Im sorry, for not being who you wanted me to be. I wasnt good enough. And know, im hurting. It hurts knowing i tried my best and it was still my fault. And now you wont even talk to me.
But never forget that everytime i said i love you. I really ment it. You were really special to me. And one of the only good things in my life. The only thing i ever wanted, was to make you happy. I was willing to give up everything. But everything wasnt enough.
The only thing i can possibly think to do, to make sure i keep you happy. Is to never message you. I think thats what you want. Right? You dont want me to come back and ruin your life again? Even if it feels like torture for me. I care about you too much.
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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You were more than a girl i liked. You were my best friend. And im sad ill never get to see that smile again..
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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I miss you so much. I wish i could hear your voice again...
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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Why do you still run around in my dreams every night? Are you seriously burned into my brain?.... it just feels like a cruel game when i just want to not remember anything anymore. I just want to live my life. So i dont bother you anymore..
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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I found a piece of your clothes in a box..
I couldnt even be close to it. The energy that radiated from it. The nostalgic pain of losing you was too much. Yet i couldnt throw it away. Your clothes just seem like scars now.
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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I still miss you like it was the first night i had to spend alone in that apartment..
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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Will i ever stop thinking about you?
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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I had a dream about you last night. We were scared. Running. Holding hands.
Once i held your hand i knew it'd be okay. I felt like i was back home. i looked back real quick. Just so i can see your beautiful eyes ive missed for so long. With echoes of your voice saying my name, echoes of your laugh, i would hear on a daily basis.
We ran into the light
And thats when my eyes opened. Silence. looking Into the dark lonely room i had to call home now.
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eyes-like-honey · 4 years
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We still think about you...
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eyes-like-honey · 5 years
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xxxx
Im so tired. I thought it would of gotten easier. For a moment there, with all the extreme caffiene. All the drugs and alcohol, all the motivational speaking. It was easier. Now that im back. Everyday its a new stab at my soul. I knew you were the worst mistake of my life. Even worse than what i did before. I never knew i could top it. And tbh i feel like im doing worse now. Breaking up a whole family. Sometimes i think something is really wrong with me but im too blind to see it.
Even though you were the worst thing i ever did. You were the only thing that made me want to stay alive. The only thing that gave me hope for the future. You were my best friend. More than joseph. I honestly did see something in you. You shielded me from all the problem. They all faded away.. you were my other half i wanted to be so bad. I looked up to you. Youbare the badass i always wanted to be. Not giving a fuck. I saw it in your eyes. The strength in your beautiful eyes.
Saldy now that youre gone. Im falling apart at the seems. One by one each thread being pulled out slowly until one day im just gone. Im so tired.. i dont want to want to deal with all these problems anymore. I think tonight finally broke me. Im tired trying to fix everyone elses problems. And im tired i keep starting whole new ones.
The only thing keeping me from just finishing it, is my mom. Im tired of seeing her cry. And i dont want to put that on her.
I guess its just better having panic attacks everyday and just day dream about killing myself.
....god i sound so pathetic. Motivational me would be so disappointed. But motivational me couldnt handle all the negativity. One accidental thought of you make me going into a spiraling depression.
Kaley, i hope youre happy. I hope you made the right choice. Well knowing how disfunctional my life is, i know you did..
Atlleast in some parallel universe. We are happy. Loving life with our beautiful baby.
Sometime i believe dreams are just windows to the parallel.
I miss you monkee. I dream about you everyday...
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