I’m fucked. So so fucked.

I can’t wait to dump this crack whore. He can’t do shit without being the most fucked up. I prayed to God that his calls would go unanswered and they have. He says, “it’s not a big deal” meanwhile losing his shit on his druggy ass calls going unanswered. QUIT! You have a child with ONE parent left and you can’t even be selfless enough to stop doing the drug that can kill you from the tiniest amount at any given time and literally HAS killed you before? How fucking crazy. I wish I never gave up my power, never gave up my independence. I deserve soooooooo much better than this. And update. He just called a druggy friend who says, oh..can’t get you Coca Cola but I can get you fucking M E T H. Are you INSANE?!? The answer is yes. STOP. Just fucking STOP. The greatest thing that could happen in my life is me being forced to COMPLETELY distance myself from this fuck up.

just me and her 🐾

I have half a mind to just pack a suitcase and disappear. Just me and my cat on a flight to California and never look back. I have zero funds but I could scrape together something for a flight and one month rent or hotel while I get whatever job I can find out there. Go back to school and become the person I was meant to be before I let the devil in.

Baa baa black sheep

It’s my fault that I’m such a people pleaser. If I had any real confidence within me, none of this would be happening. I’m a follower and a sheep. Nothing less, nothing more.

his birthmom died from drugs. He calls me his mom and yet you tell me if I’m not “down” you won’t fuck with me, meaning you’ll make this relationship way harder than it needs be/should be. And why?

“The more you love your own decisions the less you need others to love them.”

— Unknown

I told him that I won’t be with him if he continues this shit and yet he still does. I thought about how I would explain to someone else that I’m dating that I have a split custody son not through my blood, but through the faults of two people that couldn’t help but keep their shit as unstable as possible. I don’t care if that part sounds fucked up because my sonshine deserves way better than the life he was given. That’s why blood does not matter. He knows I care more than the people who gave him life.

“what can kill you faster? Coke or this cord?” I know what happened last time so I won’t take the chance

ignoring

For somebody who doesn’t fuck me or make me cum. He sure does carry a shit ton of audacity on those fat ass shoulders.

Brightest bulb

So ya we’re back to 2020 when he cares so much about shit going on in my real life that real people who know me know about, also being posted to this fake account that I don’t use anymore. He’s so smart. Sharp as a knife.

drunk idiot

Literally yelling at me because I didn’t make a post at the same time as him. Telling me I’m not excited to post something that I’ve been saying for weeks I’m waiting to get my nails done for that post. Then acts like I just made that as an excuse rn. Keeps fighting me while I’m trying to get through his brain on how it makes zero sense what he’s mad about. Denying he started the fight when he’s the one who brought up “why are you posing it???” While knowing why I’m not posting it yet. Now I see why he’s a coke feind while he drinks. 43 years old father of 2 and still can’t learn how to control his alcohol. He got it from his mama!

Gotta love being beaten up and in the same night, the person who molested me as a child wished me a happy birthday! Well a special thanks to all the catalysts to my fucked up life!! I’m beyond happy.

The biggest mistake I ever made was my abortion. It’s one thing crying over a hard life because you had a kid when you were young and the time wasn’t right. It’s another thing crying over taking care of a kid that isn’t yours because you’re young and the time isn’t right. Totally. different. thing.

writing this in front of him and he has no idea because he is so self centred that no matter what I do, it’s not worth his attention lol. Not a clue what I could do what to get it and I also don’t even fucking remember, fuck him,

Can I be happy now?

Can’t I meet someone as selfless as me? We’d constantly be beating each other to doing something for the other. Imagine what that would be like. Being happy.,

Fml

I ask a million times to get to bed but he’s too busy playing video games. So I lay in bed with his son trying not to fall sleep while I’m incredibly tired. I woke up early with his son to make French toast and sausages. I always wake up early, so ya, I’m very tired. But sure I’ll put up with this now, after giving you hours of while we were at my moms. A fucking child. That’s who I’m dealing with. A fat, bitch child who can only think of himself. It’s awesome. I must’ve been drugged when I met him, I wish I never did,

“You must want to spend the rest of your life with yourself first.”

— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

“I want to look back and say that I was alive. That I didn’t turn my back. That I tried. That I was happy.”

— Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited