the comedown

I could say a lot of things about the past ten months. Or I could try to condense it into one sentence. I miss you.

because they hate me

Oh it is time for a crisis, alright! Pacing around the room, looking for the words; they're pretty well hidden, but one of these days I'm going to find them, just you wait. But who would ever wait for me? It is eighteen past one in the night, and my thought machine is clogging itself up until it stops working. It has a billion googolplex little cogs and they're all turning in different directions. Fixing one tiny component can cost months. I am not worth talking to, my brain says to my head, and it is inclined to agree. No-one is ever going to want me. My mind has other ideas, and keeps fighting the two. It's never ending, it'll go on forever. I know my mind is right. Too bad that he's on his own. A long time ago I was just like this. I had hoped the day would never return, but it did. Where that leaves me I'm quite unsure of. The circumstances are different. They couldn't be more different, probably. Being quiet and remaining quiet have been two major staples of my behaviour, made possible by the period between 2016-2018. This time there are hands reaching out to me, yet I still feel paralysed. To me this is inexplicable. I've put so much effort into everything I do, I am left feeling like a collapsed husk of myself. I don't feel like a human being anymore, and disassociate. My eyelids are battling gravity. And now, the deliberate choice to not try, to put myself at the back of the line again, to go stand in the corner and think about what I've done, to simply close my eyes when someone waves hi, to think that I am merely but a background character, a yes-man, not an individual that's worth anyones time. It's 2AM and the cold January wind blows right through my jacket. I close my eyes and I have never felt smaller in my entire life. I wonder why I'm here - but then again, I wonder about a lot of things. In the distance a symphony of lights are flickering. In my eyes they seem to dance in all directions. As If, I think. I can't stop it, and it keeps coming. I try to continue but I can't. Ursa Major looms over me, it's presence comforting me after a while. When the morning comes - when the day breaks, and the sun manages to shine through the mist once again like it always has - when my heart is still beating, I'll begin again, and try one more time. I don't know what else I could do, after all.