gdivia:

via rolled her eyes and adjusted the strap of her bag back onto her shoulder, “i can’t believe you left me at a mcdonalds. they shut down their ice cream machine, and i was not mclovin’ it.” she sighed and sat down on the curb–exhausted by her own dramatics apparently. “seriously. children will come here and tell tales about me–oh my god. i’m going to be the hachikō of isla. there’s going to be statue of me sitting in front of this bougie-ass mcdonalds, waiting for you to remember me.” 

“well damn then via, shouldn’t you be thanking me for making you famous. your welcome. that dog is better known than like, literally any other actual dog.” that was, of course, excluding dogs like scooby doo or snoopy or...goofy, who he figured was sort of like a dog though he wasn’t sure if it should be counted in the same category. and in his defense, he didn’t...mean to leave her waiting in mcdonalds. he was usually on time, expect when he wasn’t. which is what he would say if this case were to go to the supreme courts. “wait though did you get the nugs? don’t tell me you didn’t get the nugs, i’m going to call, like, interpol. or the un. they’ll send their peacekeepers out after you. they’ll be keeping the peace all over you, and no one wants that. so really it’s in your best interest if you brought the nugs.” 

roryytownsend:

It was too much being back here, back in the place where she’d lost her sister forever. She thought it was all going well, her mood didn’t seem to be that bad until she’d looked through an old photo album, seeing her life before it had all gone wrong. It was weird seeing a picture with all four of the sisters, usually it was hard to catch all of them at once. She’d left the house quickly after that, looking down as she didn’t want anyone to see her tears as she walked along the beach. 

man, what was with people crying on the beach? was it cathartic? maybe he should be crying on the beach. then again, he didn’t have much to be crying about. his life was pretty good, other than getting sniped in nuke town for the 400th time by some punk kid in finland with a vendetta. “—you cool?” he asked, even though uh, obviously she was not cool. but he couldn’t know for sure. maybe she had something in her eye. ah, that was it. no one was crying on the beach. the beach was just sandy as fuck. 

cassidytcwnsend:

Cassidy had almost forgotten that she texted Everest to meet her at the party. The last message she received from him was hours ago, so she figured the boy wasn’t interested, which didn’t surprise her all that much. Admittedly, she did feel a little disappointed, for reasons she didn’t quite understand. Nine out of ten times he just got on her nerves, but then again, so did most people. The only difference was that Evers always managed to make her smile, with his annoying little quirks  — something she would never admit to him, especially not while she was lying on the floor of a disgusting bathroom. The fact that Everest of all people was the one to catch her in this embarrassing position could only mean that karma finally decided to bite her in the ass at full force tonight, or perhaps God got drunk himself. “It might be a new fucking low for me, but still not low enough to be on your social outcast level, jackass,” she sneered, though a faint flush swept across her cheeks. Somewhat apprehensively, she allowed him to pull her to her feet again, but winced in pain as she tried to stand. “Ahh”, she cried out, grabbing tightly onto him to steady herself. “God, would it kill you to not be a dick for once, Ev-” Another wave of nausea hit her stomach, and she quickly covered her mouth with one hand. With her other hand, she gestured towards the toiletstall, hoping he would get the hint and help her get there.

“here’s a fun lesson for you. your comebacks lose a lot of strength when you’re on the floor of a bathroom with vomit on your clothes. like, just overall, take that as a protip.” but the words lacked his usual sassy snide because now he realized that he was in a situation wherein someone really was going to throw up and he had about point three seconds to get that someone to the toilet before he was also on the floor of a bathroom with vomit on his clothes. damn. he did not wake up today prepared for this. he woke up today prepared for a wow marathon session. how the turn tables. 

“—okay, okay, wait. holy fuck, i was kidding, please don’t make my earlier statement a reality,” he said, less than smooth or put together as he shouldered open the bathroom stall and helped her inside with an arm around her side. thank god he wasn’t really a sympathetic puker, or this could really turn into an emergency. also, what was wrong with her leg? ankle? he wasn’t sure but this was truly a scene and any type of scene normally set him back on his heels. talking a big game was easy, acting a big game? little harder. but as she leaned over the toilet bowl he reached forward and pulled her hair behind her neck. his other hand patted her back lightly, unsure if she wanted to be touched (he sure as hell didn’t while he was puking) but feeling like the gesture of comfort was necessary. “just so you know, yes, it is killing me not to be a dick,” he said, hoping the playful tease would help. “if it helps this could be worse. you could have, like, appendicitis.”

cvrmichael:

“i respectfully disagree, but i know that if i don’t just agree to disagree this’ll turn into a whole thing, so that’s what i’m doing, yeah. god, but that guy was also definitely fuckin’ crazy, you know that right? and a fuckin’ weirdo. did you ever read about it? weird. weird.” eden continued with a sigh and started slightly shaking her head. “i can’t believe we’re related. you ask the guy to go get some ice cream and he says he’s feeling mint. mint is the worst flavor. that’s what toothpaste tastes like. i don’t want my ice cream to taste like toothpaste.”

“how dare you assume that i’d turn anything into a quote, unquote, thing. like i’m some sort of thing guy. a guy with a thing for things. i’m offended.” he gave his sister the sort of look you might give someone if they had grown another head right in front of you. “have i ever read about it? i don’t know, is the sun hot? is water wet? do leopards carry twice their body weight into trees?—mint is not the worst flavor. i have to go, i’ve developed allergies to your unique brand of bullshit.” 

ellehyatt:

“Is that supposed to be a rhetorical question?” Elle laughed at his comment, “Actually, I think I’m pretty tanned and I can be nice when I want to be.”

“sort of. the answer is implied, and the answer is no. in case you were wondering. and you are physically tan but symbolically? you are symbolically as white as casper’s ass.” he rose an eyebrow. “you can? i figured like, instead of a gag reflex you had a nice reflex.”

cvrmichael:

“true. don’t think i can help you anymore in that department; you’re the weird one.” eden said with a shrug. “right, right. of course you are. are you really comparing yourself to l ron hubbard? you’re so weird evers. uh, to come back to number three, i can and will tell you how to live your life, since i am the older one. duh.” she laughed, then raised her eyebrows. “you are the bigger butthole, obviously.” she then shrugged in reply. “nowhere interesting. i’m not doing anything. wanna get ice cream or something?” 

“ha ha ha.” he treated his sister to a very forced smile. “i’m only the weird one because you’re the lame one, eden. and yes, yes i am, because the dude managed to create a whole religion in the 20th century and that is a feat, one that i would be worthy of.” he pulled out his phone and shot back a few texts mindlessly, still talking to his sister because like, whatever, she didn’t need full attention. “yeah, ice cream is cool. i’m feeling mint.”

TEXT  📧 J.D. & TURK

harry: my body is not any more fragile and soft fruit than yours is

harry: which is to say my body is definitely fragile soft fruit but so is yours so idk i feel like we're just going in circles here dude

harry: did you watch him on snl because that drag brunch sketch had me in for real tears and also gave me a whole bunch of lines to use on my brother

harry: i'm always deep, brown bear.

harry: uhhhhh me overthrowing red is way more likely than you overthrowing kanye 1. i actually snowboard 2. red already had his moment who knows if he'll have another one he could get injured or something

harry: i cant wait for u to eat ur words like i ate ur mom last night

evers: alright but like, fruit wise, you're like you know some kind of banana and i'm like an apple these are different kinds of fruit toughness

evers: or is that the other way around? i don't know i got lost.

evers: of course i did i am pretty sure i was in the room with you

evers: statistically inaccurate you are not always deep but i'll let you have it

evers: but i'm not letting you have this red thing

evers: i'm gonna screen shot this and send it to my mom and let her know exactly the kind of things you say about her she's never gonna want to send you another casserole ever again.

ellehyatt:

“..I wish I could say the same thing. Harry could do like so much better. ”

“but like...could he though?” he teased, laughing, because by now elle’s shade hardly bothered him. “elle why are you always under the damn shade tree you’re gonna get all fucking pale and sickly.”

cassidytcwnsend:

The party was supposed to be a pleasant distraction from the stifling sadness that she felt from being on the island again, and from being around her family again, but unfortunately for Cassidy, it wasn’t enough to get the conversation she had with her mother the previous day out of her head. So, once again, the girl had started drinking, apparently not having learned her lesson from the last time she got wasted; when she ended up in bed with a complete stranger. Cassidy had managed to convince herself that anything was better than feeling like this, hence why she didn’t even bother to try to count the amount of shots she had poured down her throat. A few hours in, she started feeling dizzy and nauseous, either from the booze or perhaps someone slipped her something. Though she made it to the bathroom, she slipped on the tiles before she could reach the toilet, breaking the heel of one of her Louboutins in the process. “God fucking dammit!” she cursed, before a whimper escaped from her lips as she felt a sharp pang of pain in her ankle. Glancing over at the ‘wet spot’ she slipped on, the blonde nearly gagged upon discovering it was vomit, and that it had stained her skirt. “Why is this my life? I can’t.. I can’t even!” 

there weren’t a lot of things in life that everest ever worried about missing out on. he subscribed to the totally true (according to him) idea that parties like this were nothing but drunk assholes and loud, desperate losers. a different brand of loser than he was. see, he was a loser because he knew a lot about the swallowtail butterfly and could basically consider himself fluent in elvish. still, despite really not wanting to be here, he found himself really glad that he had. “wow,” he said, nodding at the scene in front of him, one finger tapping on his chin. “yikes. this is like, a whole new fucking low for you, isn’t it? i’m really glad i was here for this. i’m never going to let you live this one down.” he had no idea what was going on with her—as far as he could tell, she probably just drank a little too much. so he reached out to help pull her to her feet, because as funny as that had been, he wasn’t going to let anyone sit in or near vomit. “if you throw up on me, i’m gonna fucking die. really, like, this will be a crime scene and you’ll have to escape to some other rich bougie island to hide out on while the international man hunt for you continues.”

TEXT  📧 J.D. & TURK

harry: the only one whos gonna be nursing sweet nerf wounds is you my dear almost-brother but it's ok i'll make sure you have sufficient access to ice packs. since im the nice brother

harry: but not nice enough to not school ur ass so watch yourself

harry: a solid rogen is way above "okay" what the fuck

harry: mulaney tier isn't achievable for peons like you and me i mean we're funny but we're not......that funny. i can only dream of mulaney tier. it's my everest

harry: as in the mountain slash metaphor not. u know.

harry: bc in that case YOU are my everest, obviously

harry: if we roll around enough we prob won't get bed sores right isn't that why you have to like rotate old people who are on life support and shit

harry: so dont worry your """really ultra mega cool vibe""" will remain in tact but i mean also like

harry: im the only person who thinks you're really ultra mega cool and i'd think u were even if u did have bed sores so what difference does it make

harry: i could make it in four years

harry: if i just like. travel around the world so it's always snowy af and i snowboard EVERY DAY. i could totally make it to the olympics

harry: i mean then red will be... 21... and still prob at the olympics.... but. i'll do it ill overthrow him as the posterboy for the typical american teenage snowboarder it's my one true calling

harry: sorry to crush your dreams but it's my responsibility to keep you honest

evers: yeah, you know what, you should bring those ice packs. for yourself. because you're gonna get some real bad bruises on your fragile soft fruit body and i don't want to feel bad when i claim my title of ultimate nerf champion

evers: uuuuuuhhhhhh you aren't that funny but i'm that funny mulaney can catch me outside like bhad bhabie

evers: i'm obviously kidding

evers: or maybe i'm not it'd be cool to hang with him i saw his interview with cardi b last night it was fucking hilarious he gave her a 'cardi-gan' for her parasite.

evers: wow white lightning that's really deep.

evers: okay man look for real if you overthrow red, then i'll be set to overthrow kanye west with my new mix tape. both of these things are the same level of unlikely

evers: but you know what i support you in this dream because as unrealistic as it is, it's more probable than you beating me in the nerf wars.

cvrmichael:

“no, i’m not shutting up, you shut up. i’m doing you a favor here by telling you about your wardrobe malfunctions. if i didn’t tell you about your zipper, people would look at you weird, and the shoelace thing helps with not falling and all that. so you should be thanking me, you butthole.”

“okay. number one, people already look at me weird so the zipper is not the main issue there. number two, i would have figured it out myself because i’m a fucking intelligent person with a brilliant mind rival to, like, l ron hubbard. number three, don’t tell me how to live my life, and number four—you are the butthole, butthole.” he zipped up his zipper and knelt down to tie his shoe after a solid middle finger to his sister. “what are you doing. where are you going.”

cassidytcwnsend:

“Yes, disgusting. Ever considered the reason why no one if able to define the flavor is because it’s just plain gross, brainiac? But by all means, keep drinking that sugary shit and maybe the rest of your body will get fat enough to match that giant head of yours and you’ll finally look proportional,” Cassidy fired back, rolling her honey eyes as he brought up his nerdy tabletop game. “Maybe it would have, if your delivery of those useless facts wasn’t so freaking loud and obnoxious. It’s unfortunate that your daddy’s money can’t buy you charm.” A giggle escaped her lips as she watched him fumble with the bottle of sunscreen, trying to get a steady grip. “Sorry, Evers, I should have known it was too heavy for those skinny arms of yours,” she teased, her lips curling up into playful grin. His insults didn’t impress her, since his nervous behavior made it more than obvious that he didn’t mean any of it. “Look at me and tell me what makes you think that I give a rat’s ass about what you want? Just get it done,” she told him, shifting a bit on her sunbed to make herself more comfortable. “The whole bottle? That seems a little excessive, even for my pale-as-snow back. Unless, of course, you were planning to do the rest of my body too.” Glancing over shoulder, she gave him a little smirk. “Which we both know you’re unable to do without busting a nut, so you can forget about it, little perv.”

“no, uh, no, i haven’t, because gross things still have flavors, you dumb fucking rutabaga. and i’ll have you know that i stay trim by hitting the gym three times a week.” yeah. that wasn’t true. it was obviously not true, and he laughed at his own stupid joke. “damn, could you imagine how unbelievably hot i’d be if i worked out? shit. i’d be hotter than you. i’d be hotter than, dare i say, brad pitt—uhhh, my dad’s money can totally buy charm. just ask my sister. she got charm in bulk because she wasn’t born with this sort of fucking natural charisma. you’re looking at some real innate charm right here, and i don’t appreciate you implying otherwise. but it’s okay. i understand. it’s only natural to want to tear down something you can never have. someday you’ll be likeable. probably not any day soon but you know. don’t give up hope.” okay, yeah, he was talking a big game right now but this was also kind of insane. he could not believe he was not snapping this to harry right now. he wanted to. was that weird? yeah that would probably be weird. still. like. this was fucking insane this didn’t happen to him. for many reasons. but the main reason was that he was uh...the worst. he squeezed some sunscreen in his hands and rubbed them together first, because that seemed like the normal thing to do, and then scooted to the edge of his lounge chair so he could read her. “okay. alright uh...just let me—excuse me. bust a nut? do you think i’m some inept horny jack rabbit of a teenager i am an adult basically, please.” and to prove his point, he confidently (ha) put his hands on her back, right in between her shoulders. “bust a nut, she says. little perv, she says.” 

elisexguillory:

Elise shook her head unsure why this was such a big deal to the male. “I’ve never had a dr. pepper. They don’t exactly sell them in France, and when I did go abroad to the states a few years ago I primarily stuck to drinking water,” she explained nervously. “I thought carbonated beverages were super unhealthy anyways?”

“yeah. okay. okay that’s fair. fine. but you know what we’re going to do right now? we’re going to go get some dr pepper. because this is literally causing me so much grief that my hair is going to fall out and i’ll be permanently bald for the rest of my life and that’s going to severely impact my dream of becoming the spokesmodel for panteen. literally. this is not an exaggeration i feel my hair follicles loosening.”

ameliahyatt:

      “sounds like you remember it a little too well. one would think that you’re traumatised from that first taste.” shaking her head, amelia crossed her arms. she wasn’t particularly fond of the conversation but she knew everest meant well. “yes, i’m great. have a lot to look forward to.” the actress felt like she had to LIE on this one because she didn’t want to upset anyone further. how could she let him know that doubts about the wedding were now in her mind? she COULDN’T.

“yeah. that’s fair. i’d use the word traumatized. i find that a very accurate description of the even and all the after effect.” his mama had raised him right. so had his father. everest might have been a complete devil to anyone under the age of 30, but 30 and up? adults. and that meant he had to be respectful. especially since this was his best friend’s mother. and his dad’s fiance. a lot of moving parts, here. “well good i just thought i’d ask you know since everything has been so weird. but uh, you know, i think it’s great. looking forward to getting to override your cake decision and pick one that i like instead. i still get to do that, right?”

benscns:

“wow, alright — seriously, why are we still talking then? if i’m really that uninteresting.” the girl squinted as she looked at him and let out a sigh. was he trying to make a joke or was he serious? she literally couldn’t tell. “wow, yeah, thanks einstein. i figured that out after taking that first sip.”

“oh, we’re still talking because i’m still waiting for my drink and if i’m talking to you it ups my street cred like a full twenty points.” because drew was hot, like, he wasn’t going to deny that. and she wasn’t...really uninteresting. he was just being an ass because the situation demanded it1. “you know what’s really wild? why the fuck do we use einstein as an insult. i mean i get that it’s ironic, you know, like it’s one of those clever insults, but damn. dude does so much for science and we’re out here using his name to pettily insult each other. why him? why don’t we use newton or galileo or fraunhofer.”

1. the situation did not demand it. he was just an ass. no excuse required.

ellehyatt:

“I am being myself. I can’t tell you off for doing the same, just not to do it around me. Okay?”

“huh. okay. i can respect that—oh my fucking god, i think this is the most i’ve ever liked you.”

cvrmichael:

“hey, so — not to be that person, but your fly’s down. oh, and your shoe’s untied. did you forget how to dress?”

“not to be that person but shut up.” he’d had a flurry of a morning, alright, and the fact that he’d even put his shirt on the right way should be acknowledged and rewarded.