I'm killing me.

The power to destroy ourselves. We all have it. It is the worst power we have as humans. We fill our minds with irrational thoughts that cause us to go mad! Or maybe it is just me? Maybe I am the crazy one. I must be! Self pity does no good though. I must pick myself up and brush it off because the world keeps turning no matter how bad you just want it all to STOP!

Wanna know a secret? Shut up, of course you do! Everyone loves to hear secrets about other people...

I was 11 years old the first time I wanted to die. I know, why the hell would an 11 year old want to end her life?! Well, that is what happens when one of the people you love the most chooses alcohol over you and your family. That is what happens when you get called fat and ugly at school but have no one to come home to cry to because you feel like you have to be the "strong" one for everyone else. That is what happens when the chemical imbalance in your head speaks louder than the voice of God himself.

I succeeded. I made it through. I hated myself but I made it! Things were starting to get better!! I went to a new school, met new friends, made it all the way through middle school without my illness taking over! I am winning!

No. Still losing this never ending battle. I wanted to die again, at 15 years old. I started cutting myself and began my eating disorder. No one knew! I did a GREAT job of hiding it! I only cut to a point that the cuts looked like cat scratches so that no one would ask questions. (Yes I had cats, duh) But what did I gain from that? Well, obviously a few scars but in my imbalanced, not fully developed, brain I thought the physical pain took away from my pain I was feeling inside. I cut long ways one time. Only once. And it was enough that I didn't stop bleeding for a while. I had to rush to my bathroom, get some toilet paper, and put some pressure on it all while seeing stars. I had to get it to stop, I didn't want my mother to find me that way. I never wanted her to think it was her fault. After that night the cutting stopped. Then the eating disorder followed a few weeks later. My mom gave me lunch money every day to get lunch at school. I used $1 every day to get a drink but pocketed the rest of the money. Eventually she found my money stash and asked where it came from. I told her I would just get a bagel and juice at school and would come home and eat afterwards because I didn't like the school lunches and I was saving the extra money to go shopping with my best friend. It worked, she believed me. I would blame not eating during dinner on my teeth hurting from my braces. On the nights I couldn't blame it on that I would eat and immediately go to my room and work out until I felt sick then would run to the bathroom.

I was killing me!!

17 years old. Senior in high school & I started to get bullied. The names that I would get called, the noises people made. I went home every day and my mom started noticing I was not okay. She pryed (typically mother) until I told her what happened. The first time I had ever admitted to my own mother that I just wanted to die. "No one wants me, Mom! I'm disgusting and I would be better off dead" we sat at the kitchen table, sobbing together. I tried, later that year. I almost got "lucky" enough to die.... but I got even luckier... I didn't.

I graduated!! Finally made it through what I thought was the worst time of my life! Started hanging out with my friends more, having fun, letting loose. That summer I started dating one of my best friends. We hit it off immediately and I fell head over heals in love with him!! I was on top of the world! Until I went off to college. I started to get depressed again in college so I ended up coming back home and started a new job and was able to hang out with my boyfriend more. He had a chemical imbalance of his own too and when times would get hard we would medicate ourselves. We did every pill/drug you could think of but we always stayed away from the big ones so that made it better, right? "We weren't that bad." The drugs made me feel better, they took away the anxiety and I stopped feeling so sad. How could I be sad on a xanax bar, adderall, and enough liquor to tranquilize a horse. I forgot every reason why I was ever depressed in the first place! As a matter of fact, I forgot what I had even eaten for breakfast earlier that morning.

20 years old. I found out I was pregnant. Talk about something life changing!! A higher power knew exactly what to put in my path to stop me from doing the things I was doing. It did not stop my boyfriend though, he ended up getting worse as I was getting better. I blamed myself. Maybe if I didn't do this then he wouldn't act this way! Maybe I am just a terrible girlfriend. Maybe if I didn't have so many issues he would love me and our baby enough to quit. It just got worse and worse. Even after the baby got here. I did not understand why he couldn't just love me. I wanted to die again. But I didn't want to kill myself because I have this precious, innocent baby that needs me! He needs his mommy! I have to stay here for him! I stayed. I struggled a lot but I did what I had to do. I didn't know it at the time but I was doing what God was directing me to do. I went through more struggles after having my baby. I went through several losses. Some from death and some from drugs.

Currently, I am 24 years old. When is the last time I thought about killing myself? Just a couple months ago. 2 days later I found out I was pregnant again!! For some reason, this time that did not stop my depression. It just kept digging at me deeper and deeper. I told myself I didn't deserve to be a mother anymore. I was convinced I was terrible at it. My mental illness had me so far down that I believed everyone hated me, including my son. I locked myself in my bathroom with a knife and cried uncontrollably as I laid there on the floor. I cried even harder as a voice inside my head told me not to do it. It said "you are needed, you can be loved, you ARE loved, and this is not your ending." I scraped myself off of that bathroom floor, dried my tears, put the knife back, and went to bed. No one ever knew about that night. That happened about a month ago. Since then I have found out that I am having TWIN GIRLS! The universe keeps trying to place these blessings in my life! I have done a really good job of not recognizing them though because of my anxiety and depression getting in the way.

Sadly, this more than likely will not be the last time I have to deal with it but I can say for now I am working towards being better and getting better for all of my babies. They deserve to have a mother that wants to live!

I am sick of killing me.

Be cautious. You never know what someone is actually going through under the tough shell and all of the walls they display. For some, the battle comes and goes. Others do not get so lucky, they do not make it to the end of the tunnel because they truly feel that the darkness is all that there is to life. Please do not be part of the problem. Love, patience, acceptance, and understanding go a long way.

For those who battle any type of mental illness this is for you. You are not alone. I know it is so incredibly hard to see for yourself but you ARE worthy of love, you ARE beautiful, and you ARE strong enough to fight this. I strongly encourage anyone fighting any mental illness to seek guidance or help in any way! & I will continue to do the best that I can to be available to listen as well!

Here are some FREE crisis helpline numbers:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Crisis Text Line: Text “home” to 741741

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)