erikkarlsson
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kelly. arber xhekaj premium pr. alt: swearengen
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pasta a la erik karlsson
THE INGREDIENTS: pasta. alfredo. meat sauce. raw (red) onion. hot sauce (cholula, judging by the video). ketchup (heinz, i think?). a little salt and pepper.
THE RECIPE: boil pasta, chop the onion, serve with all sauces. eat and not die.
hi my name is emily and welcome to jackass
instead of liveblogging this process, i'm just going to add my thoughts to one big post to make it cleaner <3
6:48 pm: the pasta is boiling. i keep looking over at the Pile of Sauces and giggling. i have whispered "what the fuck" to myself a few times now. i'm cooking the whole box, because we're all having spaghetti tonight, but i'm the only one brave enough to try... This
6:54 pm: erik did not mention this as part of the meal but i poured myself a glass of rose. the onion has been chopped. i tried to get them chunky to match the video but that's like too much man, at least have your onions DICED why are they in CHUNKS ERIK
7:05 pm: writing these time stamps i'm realizing i'm a slow cooker because i keep getting distracted by my playlist (rn it's rebel rebel by david bowie). i am starting the alfredo sauce and it's sinking in that i'm about to actually. eat this. like a few bites, there's no way i'm eating this whole plate (this is NOT foreshadowing)
7:07 pm: i almost panicked because i didn't think i had enough milk for the alfredo but surprise, i had EXACTLY enough. this is a good omen.
7:15 pm: everything is done, i am just waiting for the meat sauce to warm up. i'm still whispering "what the fuck to myself".
7:21 pm: it's time. to assemble.
i grabbed a small plate, but i'm realizing. maybe i should have grabbed less. this is revolting. and i'm not even done adding things
added and mixed. i'm laughing. erik eats this. before every game? it overwhelmingly smells like cholula which is fine but oh my god. oh my god? no. no. this poor man's stomach. oh my god
7:30 pm: i've put it off. it's time to take a bite
IT'S JUST. IT'S JUST A LOT OKAY. THIS IS A LOT OF FLAVOR AND NONE OF IT REALLY GOES TOGETHER? it's like way too acidic. biting into a red onion is a terrible surprise. it's too saucy and it doesn't feel Good in my stomach, like i have taken two bites and it's settled so heavily already. okay no three bites. it's... it's just upsetting. this is an upsetting experience. what the fuck is wrong with you erik karlsson. you eat this and then you go and play professional hockey?
FOUR BITES IN AND IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. why does he do this to himself like can we send someone to check on him fr i am genuinely concerned about this man like i made this meal for the bit but he willingly does this to himself?????? 82 games a season???????
IN CONCLUSION: i managed five (5) bites. they were all bad. don't make this. someone arrest erik karlsson immediately i am so serious.
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arber end of season media — 04.16.24
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birds are singing outside my window. have some decorum i Just lost all hope
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What I said to Ko btw was that Arber Xhekaj was "literally serving masc Elizabeth Holmes" in that gifset I didn't say he WAS Elizabeth Holmes. I don't think he has affect of ingénue needed to be Elizabeth Holmes. Connor Bedard, also a noted black turtleneck wearer, has that affect. If I ever wrote Rule 63 (I won't) it would just be Connor Bedard taking a Theranos-like approach to the NHL. Arber is just regular tech bro who dropped out of college bc it was boring and won't tell his colleagues he's gay but they've all seen the Scruff notifications on his phone when he's lost in the sauce (doing software engineer shit). But I suppose that's what happens when you grow up in South Bay during the Steve Jobs era...I see a zoomer wearing a black turtleneck and I go ok miss holmes and overthink whether this NHLer could gaslight gatekeep girlboss their way through the Bay Area
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#hockeyblr numero unoooo#yeah maybe astarion is annoying but do you have endless reader insert fic of random 18 year olds
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preds tie the series in 2OT! | nsh vs car - game 4
#luke kunin baby i promise you will soar again one day....#also sharks need to install led lights so bad it'd be sick
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filip forsberg 👉 mikael granlund (dick trick edition) | cbj vs nsh 11.30.21
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unfortunately i, uh, do not think they will be in the position to do anything involving the playoffs next year
every time i see a poorly designed nhl rule i immediately compile it into a yearly report i send to the san jose sharks to use to their favor exactly one (1) time so that the league will repeal it. don't worry yall there will be no terrible offsides challenges this time next year.
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girl what the fuck is joel ward doing on the vegas bench
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i've never had a stake in this series but oilers lb during oilers-kings is my favorite place in the world
#such a unique form of entertainment#third period oilers lb during oilers-kings...i've seen posts you can't get anywhere else#oilers lb
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ALL HAIL MIGHTY WASIA
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god we GET IT he had a lacerated spleen! he was out for 26 games! shut up shut up!!!!!!
#how else will we be able to appreciate the miracle of modern medicine...#on-demand complete medical recovery its really beautiful how far we've come#stars lb
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do not let the leafs fans fool you, no one in the history of mankind has suffered more than sharks fans
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every time i see a poorly designed nhl rule i immediately compile it into a yearly report i send to the san jose sharks to use to their favor exactly one (1) time so that the league will repeal it. don't worry yall there will be no terrible offsides challenges this time next year.
#i'll never get over how the sharks were in the playoffs and got 3 rules changed#and then forces conspired to ensure they were never in the post season again#stars lb
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i lowkey get offended when there are vegas fans on here who don’t have me blocked bc clearly i have not been posting enough vitriol with bitter hate in my heart. i apologize and i will do my best to rectify this in the future.
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if i were a lesser person i would tell mark stone to kill himself. but i won't. because i'm being the bigger person. <3.
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