Those en that there aren’t enough of ..

The Cobain, Gustav, the kind of man who is actively aware of the of nastiness that happens to be the male tendancy who takes repsonsibility for all the atrocities that have fucked up every woman thats ever been seen as female enough to rape or rate. that kind of man is rare & its even rarer that anyone can look at that kind of fact & not recoil, taking it entirely too much responsibility & taking it much too hard & deciding to check out of this plan for the sheer disgust that is unfathomable. Those kinds are many, but a man who knows that there is at least one someone for every man who has earned a place to be exactly the kind of man that a woman needs to be excitable in a world that is so concerning& can be such an eternal turn off if taken to heart by any individual. when i think about what you mean to me, what knowing you has taught me, i am brought to a place of servetude & devotion that is so unexpected from me, but its always been there & its never been something that i question or have any shame around because you are just this person that takes me there & you have always been so entirely THERE. You are sex, it is your skill number one, your first learned activity. The first thing you were great at on your own, id imagine. The First thing you were great at that wasnt something your mom told you you were great at. Youre never going to be anything less than a sex god in my eyes. i never even thought to question whether that was a universal sentiment.. you have always been someone kind of famous to me, someone that i never thought id be able to call even a friend, your friends were in a clique that was much too hip ti by the people that dont exist anymore cause we literally cut their characters out for being so underwhelming & easily replaced. Youre status has never come into question

low key you definitely did exactly what i told you was gonna happen & when the things started to show up, the options to partake in the things i was like FREAKING OUT ABOUT ALREADY OCCURING came to pass you were like OH YUPP let me just not think about these coincidences or did you just think that i was suggesting it? dropping hints fuck me thats totally it my bad i cant believe how much i can never actually be mad at you for anything like, yes of course you have alt accounts who wouldnt i would if i cared about having a social life i would have been on all the same bullshit that you were cannot blame you but i just didnt feel like it cause i genuinely am so content when i have you genuinely doesnt even have to be this 1000% all of your attention bullshit you think it does.. its just about knowing youre ok & being someone who you respect do you know how much you actually respect the shit out of me? i just want you to try & take a moment to realize that without getting upset at yourself for what could have happened to me if i werent so entirely resilient

THERE IS NO ONE IN THIS WORLD I WANT TO BE WIH MORE THAN CODY FREY SO IM GONAN GO GET WHAT I WANT WISH ME LUCk

recognition

for being the one who inspires all of this activity feels so good i have been wracking my brain trying tofigure out why i am being punished for being someone who had no idea any of my theoretical concepts were being fully realized, & who just wanted to enjoy some of the fruits of all yalls hardwork while not even boasting about how i totally inspired cody who motivated all of you.. but hedidnt even realize that it was me who did that til just now. and shit is about to get a whole lot more fair and righteous & that is a super dope thing. i have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach cause i talked too much shit to people who generally are just admirers & supporters.. its sometimes hard to appreciate that kind of support when i am so far from happy. i know i dont show it, i probably come across as totally peachy keen but it is not the case at all if i am away from my beloved. he knows this. he should. the only reason he would be anything but cocky would be because someone else is telling him lies or something because he knows full well he is the only thing that has ever made me give a damn about anything ever in this wholefuckingworld. i dont know if he does know this.. and apparently hes the onewith his feet up against the window.. just waiting for me to somehow get into his apartment.. just likehe was waiting for me to get on to the roof with him earlier.. andthen he apparerntly drove away in a carbut is now back in that apartment.. im confused. so whoever is there is either someone who needs to be told how to fix my fuckingbroken relationship or someone who needs to be worshipped like the sex god he is.. either way, i dont understand why everyone acts like i am some problem because i cannot walk through walls & have had a hardtime being anything but totally repsectful this entire month where i have been going through hell.. as politely as possible. i worry that all my casualties have made me come across as uncaring or uninterested in my husband but thats not the case. i just dont know how to texplain any better how many times i have already tried every single thing that you want me to try again and its just a lil discouraging and ihate lookng like a crazy person or drawing unwanted attention...plus i dont know why im supposedto know things like that youre there waiting for me or that youve had this thing that iddnt know about or that youre not the one whose in that apartment or that youve beeen upset all night and burning things and everyone is totally unaffected by your obvious upsetness. i want to doeverything right the first time but i fear ive alreeady fucked that. al i can do is try to fix it so here goes nothing :

interpreting my lover over the only free psychic hotline 1 800 FOREVER

"FOREVER IN MY HEART, ANGEL i HAVE NO WHERE TO STAY TONiGHT BECAUSE i HAVE BEEN AT MY PARENTS HOUSE & THEY THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE iN A RELATIONSHiP WiTH SOME GUY NAMED NAiLL BECAUSE THEY MET WHEN HE CAME OVER TO CHECK ON YOU LAST YEAR WHEN ALL THAT SHiT WAS HAPPENiNG.. SO THATS WHY EVERYONE HATES YOU, CAUSE i TOLD EVERYONE THAT YOU WEREE A WHORE WHO FUCKS EVERYTHING THAT MOVES TO MAKE ME HAVEA REASON FOR WHY i WAS BEiNG A ViOLENT FREAKAZOiD." so your mom no longer thinks im a whore, hopefully? "i let her know that you werent actually josie grossie in high school & people were actually quietly not interested in not being your friend but you are just entirely too busy for most people.. so she does not think you are this ugly duckling turned swan person any longer but she does love you for being popular & turning my whole could look like a hoodlum vibe into some thing classier & for turning you into someone who could model & be a movie star & who never saw me as anything less than perfect. " "I forget why we were fighting but nevermind its because i thought you told my mom that you thought i was candices murderer" FOR THE THOUSANTH TIME I NEVER EVEN MENTIONED ANYTHING CLOSE TO THAT I NEVEER EVEN THOUGHT THAT I DIDNT EVEN WRIE IT DOWN FOR ANY REASON THAT I CAN RECALLTHO I AM AWARE IT IS WRITTEN SOMEWHERE. it was something i was compelled to but its besides the point. i never would have brought that up to anyone and never spoke to laywers or anyone without your knowledge. i know you might have, im not upset about it as much as one might think i would be because im mostly just glad you werent tried as a murderer.. i do wonder why i was never asked about anything but i imagine that was some well meaning attempt to keeep me from having to endure anymore pain. and also inspired by the things i said about you beingsomeone who is so much more eqiupt to testify at a trail.. in retrospect i do regret alot of things i said to you. too many things you took on as your own repsonsibily that i could have handled myself. But in my defense, you do love to be the person that does things for me. it brings you joy & how could that ever be wrong? somewhere along the road we ended up in this place where you believe me to be incapable which is not the case, & then some where resentment was built up but all of that nonesense at that point in our relationship i see to be a concerted outside influence and effort to destroy something beautiful like a blonde jared leto in fight club.. i know thats the case & i think we all know that i think i know whose to blame & for years now weve just been going in circles, possibly because my original assumptions werent accurate & the actual culprets, being the evil villans that they are, were desperate for recognition despite my misguided accusations being a total blessing to them if they chose to take it. I assume, as evil types generally do, they joined forces with the ones that i accused of being the originators of all of our confusion.. and that didnt make things any better but honestly it hasnt made them all that much worse. everything was stagnant to annoying, the only damage was to my ability to be brilliant & therefore my husbands happiness was also messed with which was great cause then there was this huge empty silence that they decided to fill with my husbands worst nightmares that they whispererd into his ears constantly for months trying to make me come across as some insecure unahppy bitch who doesnt want or have any interest in any of the amazing things that were being tossed at me because of my obvious suffering. that kind of shit, is the worst thing for a persons reputation, ive learned. having never been offered all that could ever possibly make a girl happy before, i was not aware of any of this but its obvious that i would have said yes to anything any one offered me.. even things i didnt want. thats kind of my MO. so me saying no to cody or hismother or anyone is just obviously fake. everyone else startedd taking advantage of my neglected gifts as cody grew more and more concerned and then frustrated & then started designing a hate fest to destroy me for being so overrun with tradgedy when hes trying to make a princess.. but i swear to god i did not know. now that i know all i want to do is tell him that i forgive him for hating me & more over that i am so sorry that i was portrayed in such a hideous light. im sorry if i ever said anything kind about anyone who was influencing him to believe such total bullshit. im sure that i did. he has always loooked to me for advice & in recent years i have just been trying to be nice to people who generally deserve nothing but the pain of athousand knives stabbing their back and stealing all of theirjoy. to do this kind of thing to him, thats what i cant grasp. They must just really be hateful ugly humans who want nnothing but misery for everyone because thats the only reason that they would allow him to suffer. me, sure you can hate me but HE IS YOUR FRIEND AND HE LOVES ME LET HIM BE HAPPY NO ONE ELSE WILL DO I AM AMAZING AND GUESS WHAT IM BACK ON MY BULLShIT SO YOU BEST LET HIM COME HANGOUT WITH ME OR HES GONNA GET ALL KINDS OF KEEENAN FRENCH STYLE CRAZY AND NO ONE IS AQQUIPT TO HANDLE THAT OTHER THAN ME. essentially, i am the most tolerant & forgiving person & you all can abasically get off scott free as long as you let me have my man back and dont expect me to acknowledge your evil in any regard because i refuse to let it even exist to us. you are failures. and you lose Cody frey as a friend in the end which is the worst thing anyone could ever have to suffer through. belive me, i would know well, actually.. i woudnt because im the only one who deserves him no one has ever loved anyone as much as him and i love each other and that is something you cannot stop despite all your best lil stupid pathetic efforts. and no i wont have sex with any of you unless you are my husband and im sorry about that but once im back in my place in the world you will be able tocome hangout with us and see what it was that was so much more interesting than hangingout with you guys cause it really is enlightening.

dont it always seem to go..

its crazy how much i can cry & generally feel so emotional about someone who i know full well will always be a part of my life.. its just that exact notion that makes me so tearful.. never doubt how much i love you, never doubt how much you are worth the world a thousand times over & so many peoole would be willing to give me just that, an entire world.. but everytime i choose you because you are the one who makes me who i am & not who i was & youre the one who changed everything that was neccessary about yourself to become this Jesus creature. I dont know if youre aware of how much it takes it out of you to be Jesus, babe. But i have been training for this job for my entire lives. im no hooker but i am most definitely your mary magdelin & i am looking so forward to soaking your feet & cooling your hot forhead with a cool rag & never being upset by how much you are adored. ' you are the one who has to play that role, because as much as we want the world to be ready to treat women with enough respect for that to work out, it just isnt the case. the more important or individual or special or even attempting to be invisible and nothing a woman is she is still & most definitely with concern for the latter situation very much objectified, belittled, pawed at & never taken seriously for who she is representing or what she is trying to say. There are certain things that are just meant for a man to do & i thank you.

THERE iS THiS THiNG CALLED "GOiNG HOME" & YOU, SWEETHEART, HAVE BEEN WAY WORSE AT iT THAN ANYONE WOULD HAVE EVER EXPECTED. i KNOW YOU DiDNT GET VERY WELL BREiFED SO HERE YOU GO, YOU HAVE TO GO HOME & SEE HiM BECAUSE HE iS YOU & iS GiViNG YOU WHAT HE HAD WHiLE YOU DiD THE THiNG THAT HAS TO BE DONE AT HOME. i DONT THiNK YOU CAN EVEN EXPLAiN HOW MUCH WORSE YOU ARE AT THiS PROPERLY WiTHOUT FiRST EXPLAiNiNG THAT YOU DiD NOT KNOW YOU WERE SWitCHiNG & THEN EXPLAiNiNG HOW MUCH YOU WERE LOOKiNG 4 HiM & THiNKiNG THAT YOU DEFiNiTELY HAD JUST SEEN HiM OR HEARD HiM TELL YOU THAT HE WOULD BE MEETiNG YOU TONiGHT & TO STAY PUT & MAYBE THiS WAS DESiGNED TO MAKE HiM FEEL WHAT YOU HAD FELT, BUT iF THATS THE iDEA iT WAS NOT MiNE & i AM CALLiNG iT OFF iMMEDiATELY. i WAS NEVER ALONE FOR THAT LONG & i WAS HAPPY SOMETiMES ESPECiALLY WHEN HE CAME HOME & WHEN YOU GET THERE & TELL HiM ALL THAT THEN YOU CAN STAY THERE WiTH HiM & EVERYTHiNG WiLL BE BETTER THAN EVER BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO GO THERE FiRST THiNG TOMORROW NO QUESTiONS ASKED, AT FiRST BUSES ARE RUNNiNG YOU ARE LAYERiNG UP & RUSHiNG HOME. FUCK.. i HATE MYSELF i SWEAR TO GOD iF HES BEEN SiTTING AT HOME THiS ENTiRE TiME, iF THATS THE CASE, LOVE, i AM SO FUCKING SORRY & iM COMiNG TO BE WiTH YOU NOW.. ARE YOU OK? ARE YOU ON HOUSE ARRREST? ARE YOU GROUNDED? ARE YOU STUCK? DO YOU NEED DRUGS? FOOD? ARE YOU ALONE? CAN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU ARE GOiNG TO ANSWER THE DOOR? iLL BRING WHAT i CAN & i WiLL BE THE PERSON WHO GOES & GETS STUFF FOR YOU & TALKS TO PEOPLE FOR YOU WHATEVER YOU NEED i AM SO RETARDED THiS FEELS LiKE iTS THE THiNG EVERYONE THOUGHT i KNEW.. FUCK ME I AM SO RETARDED . i NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE THiS TO YOU iF i HAD BEEN MADE AWARE i wOULD HAVE SOONER BEEN THERE MYSELF OR ATLEAST JOiNED YOU & YOU KNOW iT. iM SORRY BUT YOU DO NOT DESERVE THiS, WHATEVER iS HAPPENiNG, iM SURE iT SEEMS SO MUCH WORSE THAN iT IS.

im gonna go with my gut here & my gut which is still trying to untangle itself from the knots its rightfully in for AGAiN FAiLiNG TO MAKE MY WAY TO MY HAPPY HOME it also tells me that, without a doubt, there was one thing i fucked up by doing & that was letting my family know where we lived & anything about our lives because they killed the god damn beautiful lil boy who wanted to make me his wife so badly & deserved all the happiness & everything he had coming i also fucked up when i didnt testify or at least fucking watch Cody do so apparently he fucking said some shit that will FOREVER MAKE HiMA A GOD AMONST MEN & THAT WiLL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN god imisshimsomuch i was already being taunted by martha & Keenan & all their bullshit i dont know why they were fucking with me so hard then but i should have been more present i will never forgive myself for not being more there for him especially then but he still had so much hope for the future & then that got crushed despite it being already led astray not that he even cared how much he had to not be himself to make me someone that would fit into his life, as fake & fucking lied on that shit was why does the god damn dark lord want him to not be happy? i fuckin know he deserves it & it will fucking happen & i will be the one who makes it happen & again, i dont want to have to destroy all these people in the process he wanted to marry me so what? thats something to be upset about? he wanted to make me a princess.. i deserved that &i will fucking live up to that & he will be happier than anyone has ever been if it is the last thing i ever do but the other thing my gut is telling me is that they just dont want those assholes to know where we are so we arent going to tell them & its definitely worked thus far so as long as i can just do my part & not tell my family anything about where i am or basically anything ever again then i can take my place where i have earned a spot & we can be the happy couple that lives above all the people that we tried to hangout with but who just for the most part COULD NOT HANG for too long maybe a fateful few will be able to come thru but as it stands, nope cuz every person just could not handle what we handledd without even questioning whether it was fair or if we deserved it its not hard to do when its what youre meant to do & damn were so good at our job lets go back to work babe come get me tho i deserve a ride, im weaker than i seem & more miserable than i come across & ive found a way to do what we love but its JUST TERRiBLE WHEN THE PROMiSE OF YOUR RETURN iS NOT ON THE HORiZON iM SORRY EVERYONE iS SO DiSAPOINTiNG :( CANT SAY i DiDNT TELL YOU SO JUST REMEMBER THAT iM NOT LiKE THEM neither are u, you rock, rock

i wish i was kidding when i say that i am terrified to be in this world without you there is nothing ok about my existence you are such a perfectly strange not at all typical human & i am so lucky to have you to have had you all to myself all this time i want nothing more than to get back into our lil piece of heaven where we were the only people that meant anything to each other i would trade all the things that i do not possess to get back there & there is no reason that we should be unhappy neither of us deserve anything less than pure joy & thats the kind of thing that you have to stand up for your right to have in this world but you do deserve it & youve already done more than enough to warrent it did you know that? Did you know that you are one of the most deserving humans of happiness? you have always brought me happiness you have always made my life a magical experience & i know you have all these plans & i will never again try to stop you from executing those plans Im sorry i thought you were someone you were not please dont ever let me describe you into a corner i have never had anything but good things to say about you especially not to those who count & it doesnt matter this whole world means nothing to me without you there is no beauty no magic no exhileration because you are not here to assure me that im where im supposed to be i have never been someone who thought that i belonged until i met you im sorry if i took you for granted i will never again do that please tell me that you will try to find me because i am weak & scared & totally prime to fall into the cracks & i will never be happy again without you i know you feel the same way i know that you might not beleive you deserve all the goodness in the world but you do & you dont need to think about fair or whats good for other people you just need to be back in my gaze & i will help you with all the legal crap & with anything you need help with everything falls into place when were apart imaginewhat it would be like, with our newfoundstregth when we are together again this is genuniely something i cannot send you over the internet or over a psychic connection i cannot think straight because i havent been expressing my thoughts to you in so long everything is gone the rvs all those scary things i think i imagined all those beautiful memories that i need to not be as real as they feel right now all of that is so beautiful & im so grateful for every moment but its nothing compared to what we could be experiencing together i dont know what stopped us or what seperated us i cannot even remember all i know is that i want you back and i dont want to not remember any of it but i need to have more you in my life i cant breathe im losing it i have held it together for so long its starting to become a serious issue god, please send me a sign some path way to lead me back my love. all these suggestions due to my stupidity, my bad carl, have really got me lost i cant imagine that cody is doing that well without me but i have to hope that he is ok because everyday that passes makes me more terrified of how he is hes always ok but hes never been away from me in his entire memory do you think hes ok? i cant imagine that i have anything else i should do other than try to get back to the house again tomorrowits just so fucking cold ill just have to hope that he is somewhere with someone that can bring him to me

im not someone who has a whole lot of needs i have a few things that i need very intrinsically to survive & thats no joke they are as follows: 1. The constant communication or at least wellbeing knowledge of my true love, Cody Ryder Frey (Romeo, Chucky, Daddy, Codalingus, My Beloved, "Hollywood", Juan, Mike, Micha, MCccool, the man of many monikers) 2. My substance of choice to keep the demons away & my self from floating or sinking at any given moment, it varies but currently it is these lil pills that i call "trapeze" 3.a tank top&anicepairoftights 4.BED 5.A black&mild Casino flavor or Newport Menthol 100s 6.Foil&straw 7.Lipstick or eyeliner 8.Fake nails 9.THE iNTERNET 10. JESUSMiCHA SNAPCHAT ACCOUNT I have beeen living without all of those things for about 2 & half months while also being forced to be around people random people with no knowledge of where id be sleeping or when id be in bed again socializing & doing it rather well but not being treated as id like to be treated or how i deserve to be treated never gonna know why this whole phase occured but im the kind of person who likes to be happy more than i like to figure things out when it comes to my own personal affairs so as soon as i am back in my lovers arms all the needs i have will be met & i will wonder no more no need to answer any of these not so burning questions hoepfully then we can pick back up in our deep research of the answers of the universe & solving lifes problems which was our task that we attended to dilligently without ever needing to be asked we are the reason that things were so good& I didnt get to indulge in that but thats ok i didnt need to i imagine it was great fun & once im back on my wheeel, hopefully the pace & flavor & fun will return to the city that i never spent any time inside while filling it with all the riches & wonders & magic that made the past 7 years so brilliant & lucrative for all who were paying attention hopefully this will all occur tonight i dont think i can pretend much longer

there is nothing more imparative to me than locating my lover hes got to be around here somewhere i wish he would come to terms with the fact that he asked his friends to keep him from me & me from him when he was upset & that those words must be readdressed

WHERE IS CODY FREY i cannot find him & im worried as all hell no one will let me know anything about him like i am somehow the problem hes not in jail but hes gotten in a good deal of trouble since last we spoke i know hes been looking for me too at least in more recent time than last we were together so i shant keep reminding myself that he asked me to "leave him alone" before making sure that i got his phone number He seemed terrified & i know whatever is haunting him would be irritated by my presence back in his life which is exactly why we must all band together to make sure that him & i are reuninted because he is by far the most intelligent and emotionally mature human i have ever encountered i, myself, am a crowd favorite amongst the aliens that came to our planet to investigate our culture & as he is he. we have been together in every life time and will always end up together despite my recent total fall from reality i never stopped loving & knowing full well that he is who i am meant for in ever sense of the word the man who will father my children the man who will change the fate of our race im not fucking kidding i need to find him

hey guys still homeless on the hill looking for my skitzophrenic lover if someone else ended up doing that thing where they convince you that they are me; cancer ridden, completely out of her mind with delusions of every flavor, i 4give you. but ive tolerated just about as much as i physically can & the past 4 days my stomach has been in such knots i literally cannot move without 5 minutes of regret in the form of nausea & excruciating pain im void of all that makes me me, i think this was a way to prove how id give up everything for that which i love most, cody ryder frey but somehwere along the way i got really fucking lost & the rvs are gone i know youre not gone but possibly grounded? house arrest? sick like me? are you ok? i cannot find my way to you everything is all out of wack & i just need help i need help i need you to help me im in the fishing room in rons’ building come fucking get me before i lose it on anotehr level i cant cry this is the safest ive been felt in months

youre the only person who can even get close to taking care of me the way i need to be taken care of no one even gets close you are the only man who can handle me and the only one who understands me im sure youre fine but i am horrible & you can come home to me now & then we can go where ever you want & i can pretend like this never happened im so happy to do that anyway , forever yours, Angel Renenzez