sinjvn‌:

                                                  “ do i hate you? ”  his lower lips falls into his mouth and then drops out. his brows draw closer above the crease of his eyes. head shakes, for some reason, his heart also does. it twitches, it tugs.  “ i don’t think i can hate you, emi, ”  he murmurs, and then louder again, “ i don’t want to hate you. ”  tongue running quick across his lips, heejun begins again,  “ but you hurt me and maybe that sounds selfish because the drugs came from me, ” he speaks eager to get it all out, as quick as possible to have her hear it, to understand it.  “ when you told me you needed me. i didn’t think it was that. i didn’t want our friendship - ”  he exhales through his nose, hates what he has to say next,  “ to be only about drugs. ”  his hand resting against her cheek has stopped the constant trembling that lingered in his body, calms him for a bit. he is speaking up again and it’s almost like he doesn’t know when to stop, the coke making him more talkative, it also doesn’t help that he is constantly on the verge of spilling everything out, “ something happened when you were away. ”  he says, half-confessess and his eyes move, shift to the spot where their friends are - clueless to what is happening.  “ and it was hard and i wished you were here with me, ”  i needed you rests on his tongue, but he swallows quickly staring at the features of emi’s face, darting across her eyes, her nose, her lips - and lingering there. he is so desperate for that bit of comfort, for something to take his mind of that he presses forward. his lips are moving closer, and then his other hand lift and he is holding her against both side of her face and pulls her in for a kiss. it happens so quick. without thought and he moves his lips over her, and they’re soft, so soft. it’s been so long and he doesn’t want to stop kissing her, but it is as if something out of his control pulls him away, eyes parting, eyes capturing hers, and he is starting to realize what he just done, what he just said. he didn’t even wait for her reaction to any of it tugs, his mind a delirious mess.  “ i think i should go. ”

                                              she feels suspended as he repeats her question back at her, still like one of those mosquitos trapped in amber, unable to move as she waits for his answer. it feels like an eternity before he speaks again, although she knows it couldn’t have been, and yet emi’s not breathing until his words register. i don’t think i can hate you, emi. i don’t want to hate you. they repeat over and over like a siren, like a record that had been scratched, and she’s so stupidly happy she thinks she might cry. but he’s switching gears too fast, her smile twitching, her emotions struggling to catch up. “ i know i hurt you, ”  she manages to say, and her voice is soft, the hand that’s holding his against her cheek unmoving like she was scared he’d pull away if she let go.  “ but you’re wrong if you think it’s only about drugs. it’s so much more than that. the way i feel about you –––––  ”  she can’t finish the sentence, her throat closing has her heart leaps upwards, words sounding strangled as she chokes on it. emi thinks maybe she’s not breathing right again, like maybe she’d forgotten to inhale paying too much attention to the boy in front of her instead, the one who had her head spinning in a way she knew had nothing at all to do with the drugs in her system. she exhales, but then he’s talking again, saying things that have her heart lurching in all sorts of directions. “ i’m sorry i wasn’t there. ”  she hadn’t realized how long she’d been waiting to tell him that until she’s said it, the words leaving her lips the way confessions used to as a child at church.  “ i didn’t want to go, ”  she continues, but this time her voice wavers, and she’s smiling but it’s the sad kind, the type of smile that comes right before the tears well up at the corners of her eyes like tiny diamonds. her brain is a mess, thoughts racing past too quick to be sorted, the things she wants to tell him dying at the tip of her tongue because he’s looking at her and she thinks maybe another eternity could pass them by and she wouldn’t even notice because god those fucking eyes do something to her. and then he has his hands on both sides of her face, and her lips barely have time to part in surprise before he’s pulling her towards him, kissing her. emi had imagined this moment about a million times. she’d daydreamed about it the way you do when you have a crush, girlish and silly. she’d longed for it on nights her imagination took her to more private places, the type of dreams that were better suited for the darkness of her bedroom. she used to pray for this in rehab, those long months when she’d felt a loneliness so strong it had nearly killed her. no recreation of what it might be like to be kissed by heejun, however, compared to the real thing. his lips impossibly soft against her own. the hands on either side of her face suddenly something emi is very thankful for, because she’s sure it’s the only thing keeping her grounded in that moment, feeling so light she’s sure she could float away like an astronaut lost in space. and then ––––– nothing. he’s pulled away and she feels the loss like maybe he’d taken a part of her with him, too. it’s panic that creeps in first, and she feels the way she did on her kitchen floor that day, except this time she’s not sure she can take it if he walks away again.  “ no, ”  she breathes, and her arm reaches out to wrap around his wrist before she slides her fingers down into his hand the way he’d done to her earlier.  “ please don’t go.” and she hates herself for sounding so desperate, hates herself for the way she can’t even pretend he hadn’t turned her world upside down. “ i need you,” emi confesses, and it’s what she’d told him that fateful day, except this time she doesn’t stop.  “ i need you to stay here. and to kiss me again. and to hold me later when we fall asleep because i hate it when i’m alone. because i want it to be you ––––– because i need it to be you. ”  her eyelashes feel sticky, and emi has no idea if she’s crying or if she’s overheating, every nerve on fire as she waits to see if he’d stay or go.  “ it’s not just about drugs, heejun.”  his name is delicate, something she feels she has to whisper, like if she was any louder everything might shatter.  “ it never was.”    

sinjvn‌:

                                             she is on something again and heejun can tell from the way she behaves. and he hates that he recognizes emi better like this then he recognizes her sober. lines have become a blur and he doesn’t know how they were when they first met. was it always like this? was this always the problem? but then his heartbeat still and he can remember the nights in the quiet of her room at 4 a.m and only the two of them, her eyes bright while she talked about all the things she was passionate about. that is the version of her, he wants to remember. to hold. the version of her he will always want to see no matter what happens between them.  “ do you want me to move away? ”  he asks, remaining still where he is even when she takes a step closer. their eyes meet. his voice is flat. there is nothing in his expression that gives away how he is feeling. he doesn’t know how he is feeling. there is a numbness brought in from the cocaine trying to burry how he felt these past weeks. the hurt. the frustration. the anger. how much he cares. a rollercoaster of emotions and he thinks maybe he should tell her. tell her why he was so worried. tell her what happened when she was away. tell her everything that has been running through his mind and pushing them further apart.  “ i could, ”  he says and part of him wants to know. needs to know now. does she want him to move on? move on like he did with nolan when she was away? heejun isn’t someone to hold grudges for too long, evident in the way bitterness hadn’t remained on the tip of his tongue when she finally returned back from italy. instead something else took its place and he has to keep reminding himself that she didn’t go to italy to study, but for rehab. she went because of him. it’s late, he is tired even after the lines of coke he had just snorted, and he isn’t thinking when his hand moves, reaches out for her until his fingers slipped between hers and it belongs there, and he doesn’t want to move on. in a whisper, heejun says,  “ or we could talk. ”

                                             when they’re close like this, things blend into the background. the voices of their friends floating in from different rooms, the music someone had put on, even the sound of her own breathing fades the way the sound on a television might when somebody grabs the remote. all emi could focus on was the sound of his voice, the way his lips move to form a question that sends her heartbeat racing. when their eyes meet, she’s reminded of something she’d once learned in an astronomy class, one of those bits of information that sits in the back of her brain until something comes along and makes her remember. tonight she is venus at perihelion, and heejun is the sun. and perhaps in a way it’s always been like this with them –––––   two celestial bodies coming as close as they can to each other without touching. it drives her crazy now, the molly coursing through her bloodstream making her feel so damn affectionate, like she could lean forward and kiss him and somehow it would all be alright. she feels euphoric, so opposite to the numbness he’s emitting, and it takes everything in her not to say no, don’t move, i want you here always. emi thinks she must have lost that right, the right to a confession, everything she’d put him through since the moment she’d been sent away to rehab making even thinking about opening her mouth a selfish thing. but it was more than that. she was scared. scared that if she said stay, he’d still go, scared if she said she’d missed him terribly he wouldn’t feel the same. she was scared that maybe all he saw when he looked at her now was that desperate version of her with her knees scraped up sitting on her kitchen floor begging him for drugs. and then she feels his hand slip into hers, his fingers interlocking with her own like it was that simple, like she didn’t feel the way a star might right before it goes supernova. it’s the drugs. it’s the drugs and it’s him, the way it’s always been. “ ––––– we could talk about what ? ”  she asks, her voice barely above a whisper. she’s tempted then to do something, the urge to pull him into the bathroom or to place her hand over his chest and feel the way his heart thumped underneath tugging at her. instead she doesn’t move, save for her thumb brushing over his own once, her touch feather light.  “ i thought you hated me now. ”  she can’t mask her emotions the way he had, not in her current state, her intoxication the honest kind. the hurt is everywhere ––––– in those big dark eyes of hers as she looks at him, in the way her shoulders curve, in between every syllable of the words falling from her lips. “ do you ? ”  she says, and she can’t help it then as she lifts their joined hands, guiding his towards her cheek.   

sinjvn‌:

closed starter for @emikvs                

                since they got back from canada, he hasn’t been able to reach his supplier and it feels like he is being punished. in the back of his mind, he knows its because of what is happening back at home. the police are getting closer with their case, but the thought of it makes him nauseous and like he does with everything heejun tries to avoid the truth. bothering roy with desperate texts the past few days goes easily, but he hates the unreliability that comes with it and if his mind remains sober long enough he would realize that this is how his customers feel when they can’t reach him. but avoidance comes easy when he gets his hands on some coke. away from the party, heejun is standing in the bathroom with a light that keeps flickering on & off, and he is close to losing his patience as the crumpled ten dollar bill trembles within his fingers. bending down he inhales what he can, straightens up and knocks his head back. it stings, but it hardly matters, and he wipes off some powder that gathers at the edge of his nose. ready to return to the party, he doesn’t notice the body that is fixed in front of the bathroom door as he bumps into them. an incriminating plop framing what he just did and he quickly snatches the plastic bag from the floor. his gaze tracing up to find emi and this is the last thing he wants. heejun sniffs loudly, wiping at his nose as the drugs disappears in his back pocket. his ears buzzing with the sound of their friends laughing in the background. he doesn’t move away blocks the bathroom door and,runs a hand through his hair, once, twice, just to have something to do with it.  “ enjoying the party?  ”

                                         she’d only wanted to come to the bathroom for the mirror, something it wasn’t uncommon for emi to do when she was really high. how else was she supposed to make sure she she wasn’t actually vibrating, and that it was just the drugs making her think so ? she’s greeted with a closed door, a sigh blowing past pink lips, a piece of dark hair blowing away from her face with the exhale. emi lets her eyes close as she waits, liking the way it was easy to imagine herself as floating outside of her own body when she couldn’t see it. they shoot open, however, when someone crashes into her.  “ oh i’m so –––––  ”  she begins before she registers who had been in the bathroom, which only happens a few seconds before she registers the baggie of coke he’d dropped after their collision. the rest of her sentence dies at the tip of her tongue, suddenly at a loss for words. she had barely seen heejun since that day in her kitchen, and yet the memory of him grabbing onto her during the corn maze was something she hadn’t been able to forget, even high. it was confusing, as was the way he positions himself to block the bathroom door. “ i am, yeah, ”  she answers him, gaze dropping down to his bottom half before she looks back up at him again.  “ looks like you are too, ”  she murmurs, what he’d just been doing obvious even if he hadn’t dropped the coke. she fidgets on her feet, not really sure how she was supposed to behave around him anymore. once upon a time she could have grabbed him by the hand, pulled him back into the bathroom and asked him to cut her a line. once upon a time she didn’t feel like such a stranger in his presence. and yet as weird as it was now, she’d still missed him, missed standing as close to him as she was now.  “ ––––– what if i had to pee ? ”  emi suddenly blurts out before she could stop herself.  “ i mean, i don’t, but i could. and you’re blocking the entrance, ”  she says, stepping even closer, like she was testing whether or not he’d move.  

###𝐓𝐎: 𝐄𝐌𝐈 💌

ROY: well more like withheld information

ROY: just didn't want you doing stuff that would fuck you up long term

EMIKO: ok but u saw me doing stuff regardless

EMIKO: u could have just not sold to me /: u didn’t have to lie

###𝐓𝐎: 𝐄𝐌𝐈 💌

ROY: okay yeah it was a deal 😐

EMIKO: so u lied to me

###𝐓𝐎: 𝐄𝐌𝐈 💌

ROY: no it wasn't

ROY: it was for a recipe like how many grams of sugar

EMIKO: right bc ur baking a cake rn??

EMIKO: roy seriously 😐

###𝐓𝐎: 𝐄𝐌𝐈 💌

ROY: i know i always text the wrong number haha

EMIKO: that text sounded like a deal

EMIKO: i thought u stopped

###𝐓𝐎: 𝐄𝐌𝐈 💌

ROY: how many grams

ROY: oh shit wrong number

ROY: hey emi

✉️ : the amazing emi ✨💫⚡️

liam: anyways

liam: i’m gonna come over to ur room and shower there i don’t wanna slip or something and i’m tired so this cast 10x heavier

emiko: i really can't wait until that thing comes off

emiko: do u want me to get in with u or do u want me to sleep

✉️ : the amazing emi ✨💫⚡️

liam: promise.

emiko: okay /:

✉️ : the amazing emi ✨💫⚡️

liam: emi

liam: that was a mistake

liam: that’s all

emiko: promise?

✉️ : the amazing emi ✨💫⚡️

liam: okay :(

liam: i like sleeping next to you

liam: your warmth makes me feel safe

emiko: i feel safe when you're with me

emiko: it's when you're alone that i get scared

emiko: like the other night

✉️ : the amazing emi ✨💫⚡️

liam: u sure u want me to

liam: i don’t wanna be a burden

emiko: ur never a burden /:

emiko: come so i can sleep too

emiko: i like having u in my bed

✉️ : ?

liam : can’t sleep.

emiko: ):

emiko: come try in my room

ivafm‌:

“what are you doing in my house?”

“oh haha just looking for the bathroom. i’m erebus.”

✉️ the entourage ;

LIAM: thank u

LIAM: oh absolutely, but if it were you you probably wouldn’t have done what i did NSNSNS

LIAM: ok don’t give me ideas seriously we’ll be recreating a renaissance painting

LIAM: now i’m kind of feelin shy 🙈

VIK: make this fun? now i'm thinking of-

VIK: let me not spoil the festivities, i'm on my way.

VIK: try not to jump for joy. KCJCKDK

VIK: ignore the key smash.

EMIKO: feeling shy DHDHDGD i don’t believe that for one second

EMIKO: the suspense will kill me vik...half the fun is talking about what you wanna do (;

EMIKO: omg this is the second time he uses a key smash i think we broke him

✉️ the entourage ;

LIAM: well okay i hobbled to the bed and got tired so i just sat here so we’ll have to get new sheets but on the bright side

LIAM: i do look pretty good MSMSMSK

LIAM: i need a life buddy at this point

LIAM: i hate being dependent on other people but i’m taking this in stride ...

VIK: new sheets?!

VIK: no matter.

VIK: asking for help is very good development so...i am proud of you. i'm sure emi is too.

VIK: if i was in this position, i'm sure you both would help too...erm, right?

EMIKO: first he’s asking us to dress him, next thing you know he’s gonna be asking us to feed him grapes in bed...

EMIKO: HSGSGD im just teasing im glad u aren’t pretending u can do everything alone

EMIKO: guess we’ll just have to make this fun for you...