what my trust issues are like

“Is it terrifying?” 

“No, I don’t think so. It’s the way it is, y’know? Everything must come to an end. The drip finally stops.” 

“See you on the other side...”

“Oh Bojack... there is no other side. This is it.” 

I didn’t guard my heart. I didn’t protect it, and now I don’t know how to stop protecting it. The last few times I’ve been vulnerable it took me months to recover. Now I’m tired of sitting, crying, and recovering. So I just go. I just do. I just be. And I don’t hurt me. I have my friends, I get closer with them. I strengthen my friendships, and I depend on them for love, comfort, and support. I value them, I cherish them, and they don’t hurt me. They’re family, and they know every part of me. I get new friends, they learn about me, they learn everything about me, and they don’t hurt me. But that’s all they are: friends. 

I don’t trespass into relationship territory. I stay in the realm of hookups and one-night stands. I stick with late-night texting and booty calls. I stick with history and my imagination. I sit behind my screen. But anytime it can be something closer, something more... I bail. 

I’ve slowly become accustomed and adjusted to this idea. This new me that doesn’t love, that doesn’t fall too quickly. The girl who doesn’t trust so much it hurts, the girl who isn’t naive. But I’ve just become the girl who plays with other’s feelings. It’s not like it’s one-sided, it’s just I’m non-committal. The fact is that I’m too scared to love and have my heart be shattered.  

It’s not that I don’t know how to love or that I don’t want to love... I just want to take care of me for a while. The only thing with that is I keep hurting people instead. 

I’m sorry that I led you on. I’m sorry that I cared. My love is exposed in different shapes and places, and it’s just the way I am. I’m sorry that you trusted me and told me all your fears. I’m sorry that I listened and consoled you through the tears. I’m sorry that we had a connection, trust me, I felt it too. I’m just not ready for that path or anything relatively new. 

I’m not ready. I’m barely over it. He doesn’t even care. I find myself lost in my thoughts thinking about him asking myself the big question: why? 

I know for sure he isn’t the one, yet I know what I felt was true. I will always love you JLS, but if you loved me, I’ll never know. 

I've only fallen in love once. It was you. I'm waiting to feel that connection with someone else again.

dear best friend,

it always makes me sad to see when you're sad. most nights we can complain each other's ears off and be the therapist for one another. but frankly tonight I feel like I didn't do enough. here's a list of reasons why I love you, though I can't find any why you would not love yourself.

1. I love how you snort when you've laughed too much

2. I love how you run to my side when I am overwhelmed by any feeling whether it be anxiety, panic, depression, or intoxication in all of their forms

3. I love how you record every moment of your life and seemingly have an eidetic memory because you value and cherish everything in your life

4. I love how much you love people and show it by remembering the little details of them.

5. I love how you shower people with gifts that you put so much effort into choosing or into making

6. I love your different perspective on life and how you are so understanding of many others.

7. I love how your eye for creativity and insight is always changing and developing, inspiring to create new innovative things

8. I love how when I think of you I think of boundless curiosity, wonder, and creativity.

8a. you remind me of Spain, squeaky yellow rain boots, orange soda pop, the rainbows that are refracted off of sunshine and mirrors, history parchment, fluorescent lights, gluten free pasta, edgy tattoos, silent rage, and dancing in fuzzy socks

9. I love how you will do anything to make me smile including making fun of me for doing something stupid, but then doing the stupid thing with me a second time.

10. I love your courage.

10a. no one talks about your courage. no one talks to you about you face your fears every day. no one talks about how you live amidst adversity and oppression. no one talks about how you speak for the people of minorities. no one talks about how you believe in the underdogs. no one talks about you do whatever it takes to protect the ones you care about. no one talks about your courage.

10b. no one talks about your bravery. for all the aforementioned reasons and the fact that you face everyday hoping it'll get better. hoping that you can grasp onto everything and anything that can make life manageable without giving up. no one commends you for that.

one day, you won't need me to say these things to you. you'll know it in your heart. but until that day, and forever in my heart, you'll know that I love you. I appreciate you. I value you.

goofiness is so attractive to me. If you can keep me laughing , you got me forever

a love letter

hello. 

I love you. I love you with my whole heart. I love you with every fiber in my being. I love you for who you have become, and I cannot wait to see who you will be. I cannot wait for coming home on the long days and getting to spend time with you. At this moment, everything is clear, and I know that I love you. I know that I will love you forever. These feelings I have been feeling for you are now constant and I never want to forget them. I never want to forget this feeling of loving you, accepting you, supporting you, encouraging you. You make me want to be the best me every day because the love I feel for you in these moments makes me the happiest I have ever been. You are ambitious, creative, adventurous, giving, and kind. It is selfish to say this, to say that I want this feeling for myself forever, but the way that you make me feel can only be summed up in the simple word of inspired. You inspire me, and I want to be inspired forever. All of the growth I have seen in you in these last few months has been awe-spiring. I have only seen you grow more and more and more. You continue to grow, and you make me want to grow. There is never a point in my life I want to be stagnant. I never want to settle, and with you, I know I never will. You are inquisitive, courageous, brave. You are growing bolder and stronger. You are developing who you are as a person, and I can see all of your fears and insecurities melting away. Your ego may have become inflated, but at least it is. The insecure, shy, push-over person you once were has dissipated into nothing. You want to know more about the world, and the world wants to know more about you. Embrace everything about it, continue to learn, continue to grow. Separate yourself from the world so you are not of it, but you know more about it. Knowing more of it has made you more relatable and opened up so many opportunities for you to grow. You have met so many people, traveled down so many paths that have opened up so many opportunities. You are putting everything on the line, you are risking everything that matters, you are pushing yourself to limits you did not know you had. Your vision is broader than before. You no longer feel guilty and ashamed. You are strong and only getting stronger. I love who you are. I understand what you have done. I know much more and much better is in store for you. 

This is not a letter to any other person, other than myself. To some, this may sound narcissistic and selfish. This may be odd and outlandish. To me, this is a true love letter to myself. The first of its kind, where finally I am in love with who I am. I am content and happy. I have insecurities that I am tackling with full strength. I know my current abilities, I know my current limits, and I am expanding past them. This is a love letter to have on record. I put so much love into other people, and it took nearly 19 years to put that same love into myself. 

I love you. I really love you. And when those moments of anxiety, anguish, and insecurity come knocking on your door, know that I love you. I love you, and I will love you forevermore. No person’s opinion matters more than your own. Everyone will not love you, but I promise that I do.  

to the love of my life

hello to the love of my life. 

I think about you a lot, and I don’t know if I’ve met you or not. I’ve written countless songs about you, and I’d be lying if every day I didn’t imagine or be curious to think you are the person I’m currently interested in or seeing. I’ve made mistakes, and I know that in the whole spectrum of things that you will accept me, especially in the places I don’t I think about having to be honest with you about my past, and in advance I apologize for all the tears. Prior to this past year, I already had some demons to hide, but with everything that’s happened in my life, it’s been multiplied exponentially. I’m not necessarily proud of myself, but I know during that time and those months, it was easier to fall into bad habits and forget the consequences than deal with the impending, overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, and disappointment. During those months, I lost myself, and I didn’t care about my values or beliefs. During those months, I was more concerned with hurting myself and hurting those around me than learning to properly heal, move on, and let go. Now I’m facing completely new demons, and when I meet you, you’ll know all about it. 

I don’t mean to sound so sappy and sad, but I wanted to apologize to you first and give you some context to who I am and what I am experiencing before I go into what I hope we have in the future. 

This isn’t a letter to a specific person in mind, because at the moment, there is no person in mind. I’m comfortable being single, and I want to be here until I’m ready for you. I’m tired of wasting my love, time, and life on people who aren’t you. I’m frankly done with it, and after everything that’s happened, I can’t imagine putting my heart to the test again. It hurts too much. I just want to wait for you and give everything that I have to you. 

But for a more hopeful resolution: 

To the love of my life, I can’t wait to be with you. I can’t wait to spend our moments together planning our life. I can’t wait for trust, love, encouragement, support, and faith. I know I have lots to give, and I can’t wait to give it whole-heartedly to you. My heart has been hurt a bit, and there’s definitely trauma to work through, but I’m sure that with you and God, everything will be fixed. For all the years I hurt, you will help me heal in ways I didn’t know were possible. My selective memory will no longer remember the nights where I cried myself to sleep or talked myself out of a panic attack thinking about a specific person. In their wake, they will be replaced with shining new memories of someone who I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with. 

I can’t wait to shower you with all my love and adoration. I can’t wait to shower you with kisses and homemade gifts. I can’t wait to hear about every detail of your day and/or just lay with you to comfort you. I can promise you these things to you because I know that when I have you, I will undoubtedly do them. I want you in my life, and I’ll make time for you in mine. I just want the energy, attitude, and feelings reciprocated. When you first show me you care about me the same way I do about you, I’ll be scared. I’ve never truly felt it the same way, but once I know that you do, I will be hooked on you like the worst addiction. However, with that, I’ll make sure you never ever feel unloved or unvalued or underappreciated ever again. In my best power, I will help every insecurity go away and every doubt about who you are dissipate. I will be your number one supporter, and I will hold your hand no matter what occasion, time or place.  I will be attracted and compelled to you in every aspect of who you are, whether it be mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and etc. I want every part of your life, and nothing I ask of you will I never offer myself. I want 100% of you, and I will give you 100% of me. I’m excited to be with you, and I’m sorry it took so long. I’m sorry I’m kind of messed up, and there are a lot of bumps and bruises on my heart. I did a poor job of protecting my heart, and I want to entrust it to you now. 

Cheers to all the adventures that we’ll share together. Here’s to all the ambition that will motivate us to be better people. Here’s to all the love that we will extend to one another and others. Here’s to the hope that we’ll share, knowing that whatever happens, rain or shine, we have each other. Here’s to all the learning that we’ll get to do. I can’t wait to learn more about you, the world, our faith, and frankly everything with you. Cheers to the insatiable curiosity that will fuel our neverending questions and fuel our pursuit of always learning and improving. Here’s to understanding and forgiveness and being the complement to one another, especially in places where we struggle. I know that where I lack grace and love with myself, you won’t fill the void, but you’ll help me mend it. 

There are so many other things that I want to say to you, but that’s not for the internet to know. Just in my thoughts at 2am when I can’t sleep, and I lay awake pondering the future and if I’ve met you or when will I meet you, all I have left to say is: 

I love you. I will love you forever. My soul will always yearn for you, and in my heart, I know that we will be together eventually. It will be glorious, and I can’t wait to experience life with you.

it’s been a while

it’s been a long time since I’ve written on here... since I’ve written on either of my accounts. It’s been a long time where I was sitting up at 2am in the morning, and I decided to write something. A lot has changed, for better and for worse, but frankly, there’s nothing that I would change about it. 

I’m happy for the first time in a really long time. Genuinely, confidently, easily happy. I am constantly surrounded by people I want to spend time with, and I get to make the conscious choice of seeing them and keeping them in my life. I’m in college now. I’m actually in my second semester of college. I survived an entire semester of college. I didn’t just survive, I LIVED. Before college, I fell in and out of love. During the first semester, I met people, made friends, took chances, got hurt, hurt people. I learned about myself, learned to be vulnerable, learned I wasn’t invincible, gave into my weakness, vices, and fears. I also learned that anything can be overcome with sheer willpower, encouragement, and support. 

I learned that keeping secrets doesn’t make them go away. I learned that when you can’t tell the people you trust the most your biggest fears, nightmares, and secrets, there’s something wrong. Things can change our entire life, and we won’t look at ourselves the same way anymore. Sometimes people will see us differently because of things we did. Sometimes, those people will be the people we hold dearest to us, and it’ll hurt. The things that happen in our life have a huge effect on who we are, but they don’t define who we are. We are constantly learning from our mistakes, changing our choices, and collecting new memories to share with other people. Life isn’t going to go how we plan, but we can’t control that. We can control ourselves and who we become. 

We will falter. We will fall. We won’t be perfect. We will make mistakes, and it’ll hurt. It’ll suck, but there’s nothing we can’t come back from. 

I’m more impatient with other people and more patient with myself. I realized my time is limited, and I don’t want to waste it. I’m not here to be regretful and waste my life on people who don’t respect my time as much as I respect theirs. I’m kind to people, but that doesn’t make me nice. I don’t sugar coat things as much anymore. I don’t beat around the bush. I tell the truth, and it hurts, and it’s harsh sometimes. But it’s necessary, and to me, withholding the truth from them is so much more toxic and hurtful than telling them the truth in the first place. I grew a thicker skin and started caring less about what people thought. There are only two people whose opinion I really should care about and that’s God and myself. Yes, the people around me have an influence around my life and help shape me into who I am, but they don’t have to live with me for the rest of my life. Every day, I see myself in the mirror, and I have to be okay with myself, my flaws, my mistakes, my past. Every day, I see myself, and I have to be proud of who I am and who I aspire to be including all my aspirations, dreams, desires, and wishes. 

Lately, I haven’t been that person, but 2020 is the year that I put myself first. I have no problem and no issue with putting others first, but now I’ve come to a place where putting them before myself has hurt me more than I have benefitted them. I have watched people listen and hear my advice and throw it out the window too many times within the last year. I have lost too many people. I have had my heart broken, tarnished, abused, mistreated, taken for granted too many times. It made me bitter, sad, angry. I took it out on the world, and ultimately I hurt myself and someone who I value and cherish. 

2019 put me through the wringer. It sucked me up and spit me back out. It took everything I thought I was and told me that I would never amount to that. I took a plunge into the deep end during 2019 and fell into a hole of self-loathing, hatred, and neglect. I didn’t realize this until the new year, but all the times I didn’t take care of myself was because I didn’t think I deserved to be taken care of. 

2020 is a new year. 2020 is a year full of big things. 2020 will be full of healing, forgiveness, and grace. Not just to others, but to myself. 2020 is the year that I take my life back into my own hands and do what I need to do to be healthy again, to love myself again. 2020 will be the year where I’m no longer self-destructive.

2019, you have taught me lessons I wish I did not need to learn. You take away people that I didn’t think I would lose so soon. You pretty much sucked through and through, but the moments of revelation and exceptional happiness that I experienced, they were and will be cherished forevermore. The sweetness of those moments of excellence and victory will be the ones to continually motivate me and ultimately give me hope. 

To 2020. 

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