I know Im dramatic and I don't expect anyone to read all of this but lately I've just been so uninspired and lethargic. I was in such a good place in my life last year and now I'm kinda just at a stump. I've also been getting anxiety and I haven't in while so yay. 🙄 but anywho, like I said I've been really uninspired, and I've been wanting to literally change everything. And because of that, I've been really indecisive. I have just been complete want to redo myself. Just as a person. Redo everything. I've wanted to be in a happier place. and since I haven't been, I figured, change everything, meaning changing not being happy, which means being happy. And like I want to redo my look 100%. To hopefully help me forget and block our the "bad parts" of my life. And I know that sounds really selfish for me to say, because there are people out there who have it so much worse than me. And I am definitely thankful that I am physically healthy and whatnot. But my anxiety has just been through the roof lately. And if something tiny -happy, sad, infuriating- happens I cry, but if something major happens, I don't do anything and just become a ball of emotions. And I've tried to force myself to cry because I don't want this to be major, but unfortunately it is major. And I think my combination of emotions just got like a million times worse when my dog got sick. That put me in a panick attack. And it showed my who I could rely on based off of who reached out and helped my mentality. And quite frankly, I know now he doesn't have anything major, but I'm still scared. And I'm also getting worried about high school even though that's like a year away and like if I'll be good enough for tennis tryouts but I also want to try out for cheer and dance cuz I also love those things too. But I also know colleges like sports better and I'm most likely not gonna make the cheer team for college and there's no dance team in college. And with my friend situation, I've rediscovered a lot of old friends, but because of all of my ex new friends, I now have a lot of trust issues. And I've always kind of had wariness cuz I've never had a solid best friend/ friend group for a long time but it's even worse now. And some people may be like "it's obvious ur the problem, if uve never had a true bf for a long time" but Like no! I've given everyone everything and my all and all my time into the friendship but they all keep stabbing my back with a chef knife for reasons I have no idea why and it hurts. That's all I have to say about that. And also, me wanting to change everything and being uninspired has also come from where I'm living. I know so so so many people living in la and whenever I'm in la or anywhere near it (or even just out of the desert) I get this home- ish giddy feeling that just makes me happy. And it really sucks to know that I won't live there for a long time because it's one of my absolute favorite places. No matter how many times I go. And I just want to be there and do whatever need in la for at least a week just love there for a week. And me wanting to change everything, continues on to my look. And I've always wanted to try colored contacts, but now more so than ever. I've also only had contacts, but now i really really want to try regular glasses. And I want to redo my wardrobe and get ride of everything I don't love anymore. I want to experiment with new looks and different style and see what I really love. Or that has the slightest negative connotation with it. And going with looks: makeup. I've wanted to try out new makeup lately and that's the only thing I've actually been motivated to do. But, I don't have new makeup, so I fortunately, the only thing I'm motivated to do, is something I don't have access to. And I really just want to be a different person. Someone that no one knows or has an expectation of. Someone no one has an idea of. Again going back to my anxiety, my idea of what I have to look like has been driving my life. And I feel that I have to look a certain way. Even tho society has been saying lately that everyone's beautiful and whatnot, I pressure myself into being perfect. With my grades, my physical shape, and my mentality. And when someone (including myself) tries to take that away and say one of those things aren't perfect, it hurts me more than a regular person. And I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to exercise not in a good way. And I'm also pretty sure I have ortherxia. And OCD. And all of them put together really sucks. And I know I haven't lived a 'normal' life. Some days I feel like my mind is going a million miles an hour. Other days, there's nothing for miles in my mind. Some days I feel I'm drowning. Other days, well. I'm going to face it. I always feel like I'm drowning. Lately I've really wanted to do something on my bucket list. Which is skydiving. I really want to do it because I feel it will make feel motivated and as if I can do anything. I also really just want to go on a drive. By myself. I just want to drive my self anywhere. Take random roads and just go somewhere. I'm excited for hs in the sense that, I'm ready to be able to start over and no one will really know me all that well. A fresh start. And I'm excited to be in a regular school and be with actual people. As much as I love homeschooling, I miss having friends I could talk to everyday. Quite frankly I don't care who's reading this. Because this is what I'm feeling right now. This is raw me. And I'm just so tired of lies. So. So. Sooo tired of them. And if uve made it this far, good for u. Because this is practically a novel.

I never fully fit in. I think I've finally found my best friend, but no she already has a best friend with more similarities. You see if it not that we don't go to the same school, it's that we live too far apart, or we play different sports or whatever. And when there's not enough room on the sidewalk, I'm the one to linger behind the group trying to be part of the conversation.