dustinnile
Diaries of D. Nile: A skeptic's guide to the explicable
Dustin Nile | 27 | Skeptic, Blogger, Vandweller | BLM | Amateur Investigator
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All funk, no princess
Hey gang! Your host, Dustin Nile, coming at you again with something a little different this time; a review of the hit video game Orbital Funk Princess! The Dustin Gang and I were investigating this game because of rumors that it was “cursed” or something. Turns out, the real monster was capitalism all along. Long story short, the developer of the game was a child predator who exploited the homeless.
Now, I might live comfortable in a two-bedroom apartment because of how successful my blog is but I can still empathize with the plight of the residentially challenged. Luckily, Gracie was there to make the arrest- no, really this time!
Anyways, time to separate the art from the artist!
Orbital Funk Princess is a hit co-op shooter game where you play as the princess of the planet Funk and defend your domain from orbital invaders using cannons that shoot glitter.
It might sound silly, but let me tell you when I first booted it up I could not put it down. It was that good!
Unfortunately, there were a few notable downsides.
First, the game ended up frying my computer after a couple minutes of playing in the backseat of my van comfortable two-bedroom apartment.
Second, since “Funk” was in the title I expected the soundtrack to be a little more... Funky. Instead, the music was this weird ethereal droning noise that compelled me to ignore all earthly desires.
Third, for whatever reason I couldn’t recapture the “magic” of the first time I played it. The first time it felt like the coolest, most important thing in the world! Now it just feels like I’m going through the motions.
Finally, I thought it was really unfair that only the first player gets to be the princess. I was the second player and was forced to play as the princess’s court jester. I was totally fine with that because why would I want to play as an awesome princess anyways? I just thought it was unfair that, ya know, Sebastian and I couldn’t *both* be princesses. Just in case I- just in case the second player wanted to be a space princess too. Hypothetically.
Anyways, I happen to have twelve copies of Orbital Funk Princess that I’ll be giving away free to the first twelve people to share this post!
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hey bro, long time reader first time asker, uh... you good?
I knew you read my blog, Val. I knew it!
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u up?
Sometimes I have dreams.
When the air is still and the night carries only the faint orchestra of a thousand chirping insects, I lie awake and stare at the dingy ceiling of my van because I know that when I close my eyes the dark visions of the hounds will wash over me like an all-consuming tide of malaise.
I try to hide from them but it’s no use. They have my scent. They’re inescapable, inevitable; dark hounds from beyond reality that torment me in my most vulnerable hours.
Too many legs yet not enough to account for the freneticism of their movement; horrifying, jagged teeth yet no mouth to hold them; and that glowing yellow eye that seeks to devour me with a totality I am incapable of comprehending.
Sometimes I have dreams. But when I wake up and see the person sleeping beside me... It helps.
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Mothman may be hot, yeah, but the only REAL monster is capitalism.
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Hi this is Silas, I guess this is the only want to get in touch with you.... I've been calling and I tried texting you. You've clearly had time to update this blog in the mean time. I guess I shouldn't have expected that you were in fact *not* dating Sebastian.
Hey, uh, hey Silas. I meant to tell you that I got a new phone. I uh, must have forgot. Good to hear from you!
PS- anything you might hear about me and Sebastian is pure conjecture.
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Window Pain
Hello readers, it’s me, your host, Dustin Nile bringing you another hot episode of Diaries of D. Nile with me, your host, Dustin Nile.
On today’s episode, the Dustin Gang (that’s what we decided to call ourselves) are investigating an honest-to-goodness murder.
The facts are as follows: a man was stabbed 66 times (fatally) in a church.
The “facts” are as follows: witnesses have described visions of hellscapes and biblical figures coming to life with vicious intent.
We arrived on the scene- the Church of St. George- and while the rest of the Dustin Gang talked to the priest and the sheriff, I found a better lead. A real suspicious looking fellow named Roberto Haberdasher was just sitting there, menacingly. Employing some advanced psychology techniques, I was able to ingratiate myself and get some answers.
Or, well, I was about to when Val almost set the whole church on fire by knocking over candles!
Anyways, by that time another guy showed up looking like he hadn’t showered in weeks. Employing some advanced psychology techniques, I attempted to check his vibe. That’s when he tried to grab me and throw me over the pew!
Luckily, it’s not that easy to get the drop on Dustin Nile. I totally just judo-chopped him and chased him out of the church. Everyone was impressed.
We did solve the “mystery” of the visions the witnesses reported! Turns out it was a weird trick of the light from the stained glass windows. It was casting really lifelike projections into the church and some superstitious folks were freaked out about it. Sebastian thought the best solution was to shoot out all the windows (which felt excessively violent) but hey, it worked!
In the end, I’m pretty sure it was the priest who did the stabbing. Either that or the guy who tried to attack me. Possibly Mr. Haberdasher.
Catch me, Dustin Nile, and the Dustin Gang next time on Diaries of D. Nile!
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All Shook Up
Hello readers! Welcome back to the latest episode of Diaries of D. Nile, with me, your host, Dustin Nile! This special team-up includes my platonic best friend, Sebastian, as well as returning favorites Val and Gracie.
On this weeks episode, my entourage and I were featured as guest experts on In Search of the Supernatural, a purely fiction show run by a fan of the blog, Silas. Hi Silas!
We were called in to investigate rumors that former President Nixon and imaginary singer Elvis Presley were frequenting a local steak house called (I think) the White House Bar & Grill. (I don’t usually use my platform to leave reviews, but I have to say- I ordered a steak here and it was still a little pink in the middle. Yuck).
Readers, I’m a big enough person to admit when I’m wrong. I’m not ashamed to say I always thought Elvis was a myth, just like Santa Claus or the Alamo. Turns out he’s a real person! That said, I don’t know why that would constitute anything supernatural.
In regards to sightings of the deceased Nixon, I’m sure you’ve all already realized the obvious. It was just a guy that looked like him. That happens more than you’d think! Later that same night I met a guy who looked exactly like me and man, he was insufferable. I’m glad I’m not like that!
Anyways, long story short. The weirdest thing that happened that night was a rabbit got loose in the bar and Gracie... “arrested” it. With a hand grenade.
Make sure you catch my premiere in Silas’ show!
PS. Remember that In Search of the Supernatural is clearly a parody show.
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Excuse you I was there, if that woman hadn’t ruined all my footage I’d be able to prove that we saw THE MINOTAUR in the flesh. And you saved me life. He was attempting to eat me and you have the sheer audacity to imply that I was not there. Also I am a journalist and vlogger. -P
Excuse you, her name is Braxton.
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Looks like I’m headed to Texas next. Can’t pass up an opportunity to show everything that there’s no such thing as Bigfoot, even if it means I have to be the bait. I’d say “wish me luck” but I don’t need luck since there’s no Bigfoot.
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The Killer in the Corn
Hello and welcome back to an a-maize-ing episode of The Diaries of D. Nile with me, your host Dustin Nile! This is another team-up episode with the gang as we investigate mysterious crop circles in Iowa and the disappearance of two teenagers. Spooky!
First off, let me be clear that aliens aren’t real and these crop circles were very obviously manmade. That might be a point of contention for other bloggers but it’s undeniable fact.
We began our investigation by talking to the families and the sheriff and got a lead instantly on a shady farmhouse next to the corn fields. Nice investigation, Dustin!
A father and son duo of farmers lived alone in the house. We talked to them for a bit but they got real touchy after I asked to use the bathroom. They also had a weird obsession with Greek mythology but that never came up again.
They kicked us out and we went to investigate the scene of the crime, the crop circles themselves. It was an actual maze! It must have taken days for whoever made them to do that.
Anyways, long story short; the farmers were indeed the murderers! Shocker, I know. One of them was wearing this super-creepy bull mask on his head, complete with horns and everything!
Luckily, Gracie was there to... “Arrest” them.
Once again, nothing supernatural here. And no aliens either! Just a dude in a mask.
PS. I’m sort of concerned about Val. She keeps disappearing off by herself all the time and when she comes back she looks... I don’t know, really smug and satisfied? She’s definitely doing heroin but I don’t know how to talk to her about that.
PPS. Despite what he might say, Paddington Reynolds wasn’t even there.
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Just to clear things up, my blog (The Diaries of D. Nile: A skeptic’s guide to the explicable) is dedicated to things that DO NOT exist but everyone thinks they do.
Paddington’s blog is something that DOES exist but everyone thinks it shouldn’t.
I've been following your work for a while. I strongly disagree with much of your "skepticism". 1 - pictures! You rented a furry suit to hunt the fabled Not-Deer and didn't even get 1 picture? 2 - obviously you me the Not-Deer! I have rarely seen such hackneyed research in the paranormal sphere in my LIFE. -P
Saying you haven't seen anything like it in your life doesn't mean much since you have NO LIFE, Paddington! Get off my blog you poser
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I've been following your work for a while. I strongly disagree with much of your "skepticism". 1 - pictures! You rented a furry suit to hunt the fabled Not-Deer and didn't even get 1 picture? 2 - obviously you me the Not-Deer! I have rarely seen such hackneyed research in the paranormal sphere in my LIFE. -P
Saying you haven't seen anything like it in your life doesn't mean much since you have NO LIFE, Paddington! Get off my blog you poser
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Asks are on!
My mom kept asking me about it. Now you can all say hi!
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Too Quiet: The Conclusion
Welcome back to the continuation of Diaries feature me, Dustin Nile, and guests Sebastian, Val, and “Braxton” (Gracie’s alias).
Despite my ardent protests, my companions insisted on “borrowing” the police car to return to the domes. There we found the big man himself- All-father Stillness! I don’t know what he was up to, but he wasn’t happy to see us.
I tried to talk to him and figure out what was going on but as soon as I approached him my throat started closing up. I think it must have been an allergic reaction to something in the air, but I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t speak!
That was when the old man attacked! “Braxton” and Sebastian went all gangster with their guns and Val went for his kneecaps. For me, I bravely tried to distract him! But that allergic reaction kept getting worse because I couldn’t breathe at all! I felt like I was going to pass out.
Finally, it was over! I could breathe again. The next thing I saw was Gracie leaning over me with a medkit. I couldn’t really hear what she said but it sounded like “It would be a waste not to use this on you, Dustin.”
Readers, you have her to thank for this blog now; because she saved my life! I owe you one, “Braxton”!
In the end, we never found any evidence of the supernatural in Alton’s Bend. Just some unusual wind and some even more unusual allergies. I parted way with my companions for now.
Look forward to seeing them- and me, Dustin Nile- again on future installments of the Diaries of D. Nile!
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Too Quiet: Part 2
Welcome back to the continuation of Diaries feature me, Dustin Nile, and guests Sebastian, Val, and “Braxton” (Gracie’s alias).
We investigated the abandoned town of Alton’s Bend and found some really disturbing things in the gas station. Corpses. Lots of them. Way above my paygrade!
I stepped outside and called the local authorities like a responsible citizen. Meanwhile, Sebastian and Val poked around inside. That’s when I noticed the gas pumps had been severed and were leaking everywhere! Sebastian stumbled out, clearly choking from the fumes. I got him some water and some fresh air. He’s fine now; don’t worry!
“Braxton” had some intel from Redacted about some weird concrete domes to the north. We decided to follow her and check it out since she seemed to know what she was doing. The concrete domes looked exactly like you’d expect; about four feet tall and made of concrete. No windows, no doors. Gracie was able to find a small crack with her badass giant knife but it took the application of my trusty multi-tool to break through the thin layer of concrete. I’m sure she was impressed.
Inside, we found another body! Sebastian kept saying that the body was still alive. How would that be possible? He’d been sealed inside a dome in the desert! It was then that we discovered the first signs of what less rational minds would call “the supernatural.” A wind kicked up from the desert that prevented us from hearing each other. It must have had something to with a pressure change or a storm, but I really couldn’t hear anything! The others thought it was a ghost or something.
Anyways, we went back to Alton’s Bend to meet the cops I called; only to find them dead! I noticed something was off and I turned on the police siren, just to see. Out popped two naked drug addicts out of nowhere! The siren must have woken them up or something but they were coming at us looking to kill!
Driven by my hardened instincts, I floored the gas pedal and knocked one of them over. I don’t know what happened after that. When I got out of the car, both of them were gone! They must have run away while I was distracted.
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It’s Quiet. Too Quiet.
Welcome to another episode of Diaries of D. Nile with me, your host Dustin Nile. Joining us for today’s adventure is fan-favorite Sebastian, my “psychic” friend and fellow blogger. All my readers loved him last time he was here so we decided to do another team-up!
Today, we’re investigating rumors surrounding mysterious cult activity in Alton’s Bend, Arizona. The legend goes that a man known as “All-father Stillness” and his followers were trying to perfect a form of meditation and then, one day, they all disappeared overnight. Sounds to me like they probably wised up and got real jobs.
But I wouldn’t be much of an investigator if I didn’t check it out. Sebastian and I parked the Monstery Machine a good bit out of town, next to some random Subaru, and walked the rest of the way. The town was deserted (spooky!) except for two other people.
One of them was tall, with an angular face and dark hair. She was rocking some heels and a silver necklace (I wonder if she’s single?). She said her name was Val Doyle.
The other looked like some sort of FBI agent or a spy. She had some big guns and looked like she knew how to use ‘em. She worked for “Redacted” (sp?) and said her name was Gracie Hart. When I asked if I could put that on my blog, she said no so out of respect for her privacy I’ll be referring to Gracie by the alias “Braxton.”
Stay tuned!
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