duskscribbler
em.
24 - Indonesian - ♋ || i'm compiling my scribbles into a book, soon.
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Affection
Why does affection from others feel like a slap to the face? Is it because I feel like I am unworthy, underserving of it? I am always so underhanded. I will push and I will shove away any chances of love or happiness. Truly, isn't this self-sabotage?
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is this even a coincidence?
these past few days i tried to connect all the dots to see whether they’re just unique situations or a real thing.
and you just add another one.
- fucking pluto square scorpio mars
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where the fuck is the logic here: “the child may be the only one who can help their parents get back together — who can hold the family together.”
I don’t think I was born to mend my own parent’s love story.
I never signed up for this, and may never will.
And to know that people expect me to work on it makes me want to puke and escape and run away as far away as I can.
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honestly, at this point, the unconscious just builds everything without me knowing. and it is scary.
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drunk scribbles and again I am doomed.
this pluto squares my scorpio mars is really going to hurt.
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and i see you
like a push and pull
between dream and reality
with the thought of unlucky circumstances
circling us like a rope that gets tighter and tighter.
but i still see you
and i hope for a long, long time.
- past midnight, 03.09 am
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(maybe) first time experience of being ill for almost 2 months — on my way to chronic illness — and it makes my mind shuts down at times and feeling really down and sad most of the time.
a single pain, a misery for 8 weeks, and I have felt like I want to end everything. and it makes me even worse to know that there are stronger people with more crucial situation, and to know that I’m just a weak shit.
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it feels like building memories through your dreams,
or were the dreams worked themselves through without any conscience?
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hands. thighs. neck. eyes. arms wrapped. a red flag.
i still remember.
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these times, the past is haunting coming back to me.
in dreams, in coincidences, even in the nature.
all the people i let down, i cut off, or just drifted away, they resurfaced in my thoughts.
i think this is how the mind reminds me about the flaws, the downs, the regrets, and the apologies i need to feel.
or to punish? i have no idea.
but i still know that at some point i need to straighten things up with them. at least that is what a bigger person does.
and this realization comes that with time passing, i do miss the good seasons and good lessons from them now.
negativities and miscommunications and fights and anger are slowly moving away from this house.
i also realized that they were a part of me, and always will be.
so, here is a tribute for you all — the lost, the unforgiven (yet), and the heartbreakers.
a good life for you 🤎
- it does not haunt me anymore.
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i’m sorry i failed you
i believe that God put you under my house to be loved, to be nurtured well, to be taken care of wholeheartedly.
i failed. for that, i apologize deeply to you, and to God.
there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ and regrets circling in my mind, and these still won’t bring you back here.
even the thought of blaming someone was the first one popped out from my head, but it just didn’t feel right at times of grief. this, too, won’t bring you back here.
i don’t know. i feel like i failed so many times with your other friends. i thought i tried my best, but it still wasn’t the best. why does God still want me to take care of y’all? why?
is it your time to go? in such a tragic way?
why couldn’t you go peacefully later?
after all, you’re still young, oh God.
nevertheless, i still failed to protect you.
i apologize deeply and bring guilt deep in my heart for you.
i’m really sorry, you don’t deserve me to be your whole world. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry.
i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i am really sorry.
may you rest in peace and run, play, eat, relax happily in heaven.
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looking back, this was once filled with happiness, togetherness, and good memories.
sunday afternoons chilling in the living room until we all fell asleep. or asking to get dressed every 6.30PM because we are going out. or just a simple eating together at the dining table.
looking at it now feels empty, lonely, and sad. feels gray even though i picked all the paint colors so carefully.
turns out, it is still hard.
i want it back.
i regret taking those for granted.
— can’t help the self pity sometimes.
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how do you feel when you always fake it to make it but at the end you make it but you still feel you are fake?
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these past few weeks,
everything feels like crumbling down on everyone.
family, career, relationships, or even the loss of loved ones.
it’s stressing. suffocating. frustrating. depressing.
anger, sadness, grief, everything you felt recently.
the most unstable mental state so far this year.
- i only hope we could arise from this sorrow
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