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The Reluctant Dragon
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The Reluctant Dragon
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life of cat 7
done with the vet, and hoped, and feared. lots of pictures from this time in my head haunting me. cat was weak, but her eyes were awake and interested as always.
the following weeks were kind of a rollercoaster, but maybe with more ups than downs. she was still eating very little though and i kept offering her food like every two or three hours. and, although not hungry, she would accept a few bites. on friday, march 10, she did not eat anything and never ate again. maybe a gastric ulcer, she had always had trouble with her stomach. another issue the vets were never able to solve. but she behaved reasonably well and i had hope to convince her to eat again.
she had not totally lost her curiosity though. even on sunday, march 12, she got up and came to me to check out what i was doing. she was walking slower than usually, but her eyes and her expression were as always. she got some head scritches and went to sleep again. on sunday evening she jumped or rather pulled herself up to the couch to lay on my legs, but only for a few moments. it was too warm, she settled on the cool floor again. at night i felt her next to me, but only briefly, then she went to sleep on the cool floor. in the morning i picked her up to show her some birds outside the bathroom window, but she was uncomfortable, so i set her down again.
before leaving for work i offered her some treats as i always did, but she did not care and just let her head fall into my hand. this was odd, so i stayed at home, just in case.
she went to sleep again, later drank a little water.
at about 11 o’clock cat wanted to go to the litterbox and didn't make it. she collapsed in the hallway, i turned around, saw her lying on the tiles and the pee was just flowing out of her. we looked at each other and we both realized this was serious. this was it. not maybe someday, but now.
so she panicked and tried to run away. didn't make it, collapsed again and started to scream. tried again, collapsed again, screamed again. did not try to run again.
i managed to calm her down, put her on a blanket and placed her next to me so she could feel me. i turned the blanket so she could see the birds outside if she wanted to. i wanted her to die peacefully at home.
after some time she fell asleep and started to breathe more slowly and steadily.
at about two in the afternoon she woke up and wanted to go.... i don't know were, but she couldn't. she panicked again, so i picked her up and carried her - to the door? to the water? she started to scream again, obviously in pain from being picked up so i laid her down on a rug she often used to sleep on during the day. then she got an asthma attack because three days no food also means three days no steroids and the panic triggered the attack. i could not calm her down again and seeing and feeling that helpless bundle of fur and bones, unable to move and barely able to breathe and screaming in panic, broke me. i did not want her to suffocate for hours. i called the mobile vet, she couldn't come. i called the house of pain - the vet clinic - and they said they would squeeze us in. so i picked her up and placed her carefully into her carrier and we went onto our final road trip.
I drove deliberately slowly on our way to the house of pain, letting everyone pass, holding cat inside her carrier, she was breathing steadily again, but there was no way back now.
they knew who we were and we did not have to wait for long. a friendly young vet came, examined cat and asked, what if we tried everything possible? ok, first you'd have to stabilize her, if that's possible, cat's temperature was at 32 degrees, there was very little pulse left. then you’d have to find and repair the reason for her rapid decline, maybe an ulcer or a vessel ruptured. next you'd have to probe her lungs and find an antibiotic that works - which doesn't exist, we already know that from the last lab report. and you’d have to keep her sedated all of the time, else she would rip your faces off. and if every treatment were to be successful, cat would still weigh only 2.4 kg, would still not eat, would still have asthma, and in that state, would get the next pneumonia in a matter of weeks.
so the vet gave cat her first sedation and left me alone with her and i watched how her eyes got bigger and bigger. but cat was still there, during the second and third injections she hissed and growled at the vet.
after it was over one injection into the heart, just to be sure. they left me alone and i texted mom and daughter what to do with the rapidly cooling dead cat. we agreed to bury her at my parents’ house, i paid and took her home. mom came over to say goodbye, say goodbye to our furry child. i wrapped cat in one of her super fluffy blankets, gave her two of her toy mice, a few treats and a zip tie. daughter and i went to my parents to bury cat between dog and rabbit in a corner of the garden that somehow over the years had become a pet cemetery.
and so the lives of cat have come to an end. her napping spots are empty and i keep wondering several times a day where’s cat, i have to check what she’s doing before realizing she is no more.
in many ways cat was like me, we thought and reacted similarly most of the time. and cat loved me. right until her final days. that’s why her death is so devastating for me.
did i disappoint her? yes, i did. was it inevitable? also yes.
maybe, with a bit of luck, there might have been a chance to make it a few more months or at least to have a peaceful death.
but sometimes a story does not have a happy ending, sometimes it just ends.
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life of cat 6
just woke up at 1 in the morning, didn't feel cat. where is cat? dummy, took her to the house of pain to be killed when she was a screaming crying bag of sticks. it's cold.
fell asleep again, cat woke me up in my dream, was in a place i did not know, cat told me to go to bed, it's safer, we went to another room with a lockable door but no light, put my knife on the nightstand, closed the door, heard a car outside and woke up.
thinking about last times. when was the last time you met a person or went to a place or did this or that? oftentimes i don't remember because i don't know when it happens that it's the last time so it seems to be insignificant.
cat gave up her regular walkies back in october. there are pics from october 17. she was already weak back then, her legs shaking badly when she sat down. her last longer trip around the house and along the street was back in may, this was her only longer journey in 2022. we went for walkies later on, in december, and even in january and february, but they were really short, just a few meters out the door. so when was the last time? i don't know. when did cat give up playing with her toy mice, or her zip ties or just random stuff? i don't remember. if i threw her a zip tie recently she would hit it once or twice and then just leave it alone. when was the last time she caught a bird or a bat or a moth or a butterfly? i don't remember. she definitely did not catch anything in 2022, maybe not even in 2021, maybe the last time she caught something was before her stay at the vet clinic in 2020.
after october we went out only when she wanted to go once every few weeks, or when she was so constipated that i had to get her moving to be able to go to the litterbox. the last time cat waited for me at the door when i came home was in january. i was surprised, because she had not done that for some time, because she was too tired to get up. i'd usually bring her her food and she would only get up later in the evening to come to the couch and lay down again on my legs. later she would spend some time looking out of the bedroom window, watching the animals passing by on their way to and from the little forest and even later still she might or might not go to the kitchen to eat some dry food. then she would stay with me on the couch until it was time to go to bed. in the morning she would follow me to the kitchen, maybe have some breakfast, and to the bathroom. later she would go to sleep again, either next to me, or using one of her 65 napping spots in this apartment. this was life of cat in her final months.
cat's world had shrunk to the size of the apartment plus roof terrace, so sad.
but cat was not really suffering, she still was interested in birds, just wouldn't stay out as long as before. she would keep her rituals, interact with her human, check on the forest animals from the bedroom window, she just would sleep more and do less.
i had already given up on the hypoallergenic food, fed her everything she liked. she could eat anything she wanted, the steroids were strong enough to keep her allergies in check.
it was not enough, though, in january cat was down to 2.8 kg and i started to remind her every two or three hours of her food. there were 4 bowls with different kinds of dry food and two bowls with meat in the kitchen.
cat had gotten pneumonia again and her chances to cheat death again were slim. there were no usable antibiotics left to treat her, she had lost a lot of weight, again, but she had always been a fighter.
mom wanted to come over to get some stuff that had been sitting in the basement for 7 years. when she did on february 19 she said cat is so thin! i know, cat isn't eating enough. i told her that i did not want cat to just die, we agreed i’d go to the vet to get some shots, maybe, maybe.
so, cat had seen mom once more and the next day we went to the vet. cat's got pneumonia again, I told him. we need to x-ray her, said the vet. you need to sedate her before x-raying, i said. he asked: why, isn't she that tame? so i opened her carrier and a fuzzy dragon rose, hissing and slashing. closed the carrier again, vet didn't want to x-ray anymore and asked me what to do. i asked for one shot of antibiotics against the pneumonia and one shot of steroids against her asthma. the following fight took about half an hour. a few needles were bent and we had to stop for some time because she almost bit off one of my fingertips and i was bleeding heavily. so, she was not yet ready to die.
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life of cat 5
but. cat had to get an injection every 12 hours. i could not do it on my own, it was impossible to hold cat and give her the shot with only two hands. so i asked mom to help me and we developed a routine that worked fast and reliably. mom would send me a message when she would get in her car, i would catch cat, lock her up in the kitchen and prepare the shot. mom arrived, i wrapped cat in a towel, held her next to my leg and mom would give her the shot into her ass. the whole procedure would take about a minute, then cat would wriggle herself out of the towel and everything was ok.
therapy worked, cat was getting better, but it was only a partial recovery. because of the asthma i continued to give her steroids, and after a few more weeks she had recovered. i reduced the dose to a minimum to reduce possible side effects and cat lived happily ever after. almost.
the rest of 2020 and the beginning of 2021 were relatively uneventful, no health issues. thanks to covid i was working from home most of the time, cat spending her days on a bean bag next to me, occasionally checking outside for birds.
the walkies during that time were really something, thanks to lockdown or even curfew we were wandering an empty world. no cars, no people, we would meet only cats, raccoons or martens.
checkup and vaccine in march 2021 were ok, only problem: cat was not gaining any weight.
beyond that, life went on as usual, cat and i were together 24/7, except for the occasional visitor or me going to work,maybe once a week or visiting friends or relatives once in a while.
if something else important happened in 2021 i don't remember.
in 2022 cat's weight had dropped to 3.2 kg, vet said not yet dangerous, but it shouldn't get any lower.
in may cat decided to stop eating the treats i used to wrap her pills in. i tried a different kind of treats, worked for a few days, then nothing, full stop, zero treats whatsoever. so i dissolved the pills in her wet food, of which she would eat something, a little, nothing, or everything, making the dose vary wildly between nothing, not enough and almost ok.
around this time cat went on her last big hike down the street.
a few weeks later she had pneumonia again, but her breathing became better after a few weeks, so it might have healed. a few weeks later still she had an asthma attack while sitting on the railing but was smart enough to fall to the inside.
walkies were still a thing, but she wouldn't go far, mostly just sit on one of her favorite spots and watch. to get her some exercise i carried her a few meters down the hill so she had to walk back up again to go home.
gave up on that when she became too weak to make it back up without stopping.
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life of cat 4
cat's favorite number was 4. cat herself and her 3 humans. more or less made her uncomfortable. during 2014 and 2015 that happened more and more frequently. daughter was growing up and either brought friends home or stayed at friend's.
mom and i were going more and more separate ways, her going out more often and me staying at home most of the time.
mom and daughter moving out in 2016 was a traumatic experience for cat because mom's friends raided the apartment a day earlier than planned. the next day cat and i went away and waited until the show was over.
from then on it was just the two of us. i was working full time and had set up some cat cams (really just old phones) to keep an eye on what cat was doing. as to be expected she would sleep most of the time, but would always get up and wait for mom and daughter to come home in the afternoon.
no one ever showed up so she went back to chill until i returned in the evening.
as enrichment i introduced cat to walkies. although hating any kind of restraint she immediately realized the possibilities coming with lead and harness, a whole new world opened up for her.
so, every evening walkies. first, cat explored the property, the little forest, the streets and meadows nearby. we met the street cats, new boss and his gang and a few others. cat had never met other cats in person and didn't know how to handle the situation, usually she sat down and waited for the others to go away.
once new boss and two of his gang caught us and there was no way to retreat. they were closing in on us and cat did not know how to react. so i went to new boss and stomped on the ground right next to him. he realized that i could have squished him easily and ran off. without their leader the others retreated. after this confidence boost cat opted for maximum aggression and became a real dick to other cats, dogs, raccoons and martens.
we first met hitler cat - who has a black spot on her head shaped like that infamous haircut - when she was quite young and scared her off. this happened quite often, although hitler cat became really big she always retreated. one evening cat had seen hitler cat coming along our house but not vice versa. so cat hid behind the corner and waited. and when hitler cat arrived at the corner - booh - hitler cat jumped like three meters and ran.
but the real purpose of the walkies was - cat was looking for her missing humans.
mom was self employed at the time, one of her clients being our neighbor. so cat checked neighbor's doorhandle for mom's scent. if positive cat would sit and wait and sometimes i had to carry her away.
also, she would look for mom's car. we criss crossed our hometown at night, checking cars of similar shape and color for mom's scent around the driver's door. the size of the cars she would get wrong, though, from a cat’s perspective probably every car is huge.
once, daughter saw us on our way through the meadows and met us there. from cat's perspective one could not look over the grass, so daughter must have met us by chance, or maybe she walked that way every evening? we checked on that regularly for the next weeks.
eventually cat would give up on her quest but she would continue her walkies.
it's march 27, two weeks have passed since, and still every few hours i think where's cat and turn around to look for her…
in 2017 cat's health problems started in earnest. in march we went to the vet for checkup and vaccine, and i was told her teeth weren't ok and that she had lung problems. they determined that three teeth had to be pulled, but nothing was to be done about the lung problems - yet.
the operation went ok, cat returned home after a few hours, no further teeth problems occurred, but i would not playfight with her anymore to preserve what was left.
cat always used to sneeze a lot, but i thought nothing of it. we continued our walkies, a bit of exercise might help with her lung problems i thought. in 2018 there were no particular health problems, only her diarrhea seemed to become more frequently. we experimented with different wet and dry foods, without much success, but it did not seem to be too serious.
cat seemed to be healthy and behaved normal.
our house was scaffolded in june 2018 for some renovations and it was almost impossible to keep cat from exploring. after the scaffold was removed cat demanded to go out to the terrace as soon as i came home. she continued to go out there even during those 6 weeks with 35+ degrees, just because it was hers.
in march 2019, back at the vet clinic for checkup and vaccine, we met a vet who recommended hypoallergenic food. after some try and error i found one cat liked and the diarrhea problem was gone. on the downside she could not have treats or her beloved salmon anymore.
in summer 2019 cat started to avoid the sun, coming out onto the terrace only for a few moments then returning inside. she would stay outside or go for walkies only in the evening when it was getting a bit cooler. also, she became noticeably short of breath. i thought it was because of her age. she was almost 9 years old, which, for a maine coon, is quite old.
in february 2020 she was eating almost nothing, sleeping most of the time and breathing very short and flat most of the time. a visit at the vet clinic did not result in any diagnosis. checkup and vaccine in march did not yield anything either.
in may and june cat went frequently to the vet clinic, they were trying something but without any success. on june 11 her health had deteriorated so much that we went to the er. the vet x-rayed her - again, suspected a pneumothorax and wanted to do an ultrasound scan. he asked if i agreed to leave cat in the clinic. since she could not breathe i agreed. he had to shave her for that ultrasound and tried to do so without sedation. during the resulting fight cat had suffered two deep cuts from the razor and would not cooperate with any vet anymore. two days later the vet clinic called me and told me they weren't able to treat cat anymore because she was trying to rip their faces off and that i should come and get her.
i was left with a half dead cat, a bunch of antibiotics, steroids, and a bill of a few hundred euros for procedures they had not performed.
cat would not take her meds voluntarily so i had to catch her, wrap her in a towel, force her mouth open and then make her swallow the dissolved pills with a syringe.
and yet, that torture was not successful. vet clinic suggested killing cat, so, after a short discussion, mom, daughter and i agreed to try a different vet. new vet sedated cat, performed a bronchoscopy, and a lab found out it was pneumonia and possibly asthma and determined a usable antibiotic.
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life of cat 3
cat fell at night, and ran off to the little forest next to our house to hide. we searched and called her but she would not dare to come out because everything was big and scary. i thought i had seen her at night and went out to wait for her but a fox came along and scared her off. mom and daughter found her after 2 days and brought her home. cat had collected at least 30 ticks, quite a challenge to pick them all. cat fell again a few months later, but this time we heard it and i climbed up the facade to where she was sitting, put her into her carrier and climbed down again. cat did not fall again.
i have put cat's bowls back where they belong. freaked me out to think about why those bowls aren't there when i'm in the kitchen.
one evening, cat wouldn't come in. went to check, cat was sitting on the railing staring down at something i couldn't see. so i pointed my phone's flashlight in the direction cat was staring and two eyes were staring up to us. boss. boss was the biggest meanest tomcat around. he ruled over an empire of at least 4 square km. and he came over every evening to serenade cat, just like in the old book. a few months later we waited for boss to make his way up our driveway. i had seen him further down the street before and he should arrive any moment now. but. boss did not come. so i checked and saw him sitting under a car, he didn't dare to go further, because near our driveway a young tomcat was waiting. the new boss. new boss had taken over the empire and old boss never returned to our driveway to serenade cat. i saw old boss in his garden a few times, he was limping and he probably died some time later. new boss and friends were a gang of assholes and cat never again liked another cat.
strange, no one is sitting in the window when i come home, no one is waiting behind the door, no one brrrts when we cross paths. i am alone for the first time in 57 years. i've been alone before, sure, but there was always someone waiting for me. no more.
cat was a passionate hunter, catching butterflies and moths on end, eating them on the spot. different story with birds and bats who were stupid enough to fly low over the railing. they had to be eaten in the safety of the bedroom. so the task was to catch cat before she could vanish under the bed to eat her prey in peace. if successful, the half dead birds and bats were to be thrown out. some managed to fly away - catch and release - others fell and were to be eaten by the cats or raccoons on the ground.
in her prime cat managed to kill a blackbird in less than 20 seconds. when she was old and already weak she grabbed a magpie but it just flew away. she once chased off two racoons. one ran away down the hill, the other climbed up a pine. couldn't let cat follow him, would have ruined her fur.
12 years ago christmas was a really important event. lots of decoration, fairy lights, candles, a tree and a winter village. the village was situated on a big mountain made of styrofoam, the houses had tiny lights, people were skiing on the slopes of the mountain, or skating on the frozen pond, others were buying chestnuts or almonds. we had taped down all the wiring, because cat was very much in the middle of everything, playing catzilla in the village, felling trees and stomping skiers into the ground. the christmas tree she left alone. but the preparation and unpacking of the presents was very much to her liking, construction - or deconstruction - was one of cat's passions. and for dinner on christmas eve, when everyone was sitting around the big table, cat was right in the middle of the action, later ending up between the unpacked presents.
last christmas cat did not participate in the preparation of the presents, just a short look, and that was it. there had not been christmas dinners for years, no decoration, no nothing. so cat's last christmas was a non-event.
in summer 2013 we went on vacation, wanted to spend some time on the beach. cat was to come with us, so mom booked an apartment that allowed pets. the car was stuffed with toys for kid and cat. we brought lots of blankets, a scratching post, the litter box and lots of toys.
the road trip itself was uneventful. cat slept behind the driver's seat most of the time. the apartment right at the beach was a real eye opener for cat. the sea, sand, lots of people, those annoying, loud seagulls, lots of things to see and process.
with all the stuff we brought from home the apartment was enough like home for cat to be comfortable. we did not leave her alone for too long, though.
later i got cat a passport for international travel, never happened for lack of time and money.
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life of cat 2
mom and daughter brought cat home on march 4, 2011. it was a friday, and when i came home cat was hiding under the couch. so i sat down in front of the couch and waited. after some time a not so tiny gremlin peeked out, and climbed onto my legs. she decided to trust me and i decided to not disappoint her.
cat had orange eyes that later became a very pale yellow. her fur was silver, or ash, depending on who you ask. her face was almost black. she looked typical maine coon, although she would remain rather small. people loved her looks, so much so that i received offers for modeling contracts even after her death.
cat lost her shyness quickly, and claimed the apartment and the humans inside as her own.
first times. back then, cat's whole life was first times. everything was shiny and new and interesting and just waiting to be explored.
cat grew up fast, and with her size grew her abilities and ambitions. at 6 months she tried to fight me for who's boss. couldn't win against someone 40 times her weight, but the courage was impressive.
she was very involved in everything we did, no matter if homework or chores, always right in the middle of it.
this apartment has a roof terrace and the roof terrace has a railing, about 5 cm wide, just made to be a catwalk. that railing also connects all 6 apartments on this floor. so i installed a screen to keep cat from exploring too much. cat jumped over the screen and scared the neighbors. so i installed some decorative windmills to keep her away from the screen. cat tried to climb around the barrier - and fell.
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life of cat 1
cat died on march 13, at about 3 in the afternoon. after three injections the vet said she doesn't breathe anymore. but cat proved them wrong for one last time. she screamed, loud and deep and long, it sounded almost human. and that scream contained all the rage and fear and despair of someone being trapped and knowing that there is no way out, no way back, no way ahead, only the big nothing waiting. and then she was gone. and with that scream i will have to live.
i do not have any religion. to me that’s just wishful thinking. there has to be something so we make some shit up, write it down and call it holy…
i do not have any religion. to me that’s just wishful thinking. there has to be something so we make some shit up, write it down and call it holy…
so all that remains after our lives have ended are our stories. and every single one of these stories is worth to be told and to be remembered, no matter who you were.
this is the story of an extraordinary cat who lived for twelve years, three months and ten days.
back in 2010 mom and daughter wanted a dog. i said not a dog, we didn't have the time. we were both working and daughter was growing up and would be less and less at home and dog would end up sitting alone at home all day within a few years. so mom and daughter understood not a dog means a cat. the cat they chose was born on december 3, 2010 in our village and i know nothing about her first three months.
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