doyouhearthunder
feast when you can
Nate. He/him. Adult by a good margin. Writer with a major in Cinema Studies and a minor in Marble Hornets trivia. Probably best known as the author of the Deltarune fic Colder, Yet Colder.
"nathan's a treasure. kind and polite and sweet. fkin nerd, too." - Tumblr user futureboy
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Let people grow.
When I was younger I was very right-wing. I mean…very right-wing. I won’t go into detail, because I’m very deeply ashamed of it, but whatever you’re imagining, it’s probably at least that bad. I’ve taken out a lot of pain on others; I’ve acted in ignorance and waved hate like a flag; I’ve said and did things that hurt a lot of people.
There are artefacts of my past selves online – some of which I’ve locked down and keep around to remind me of my past sins, some of which I’ve scrubbed out, some of which are out of my grasp. If I were ever to become famous, people could find shit on me that would turn your stomach.
But that’s not me anymore. I’ve learned so much in the last ten years. I’ve become more open to seeing things through others’ eyes, and reforged my anger to turn on those who harm others rather than on those who simply want to exist. I’ve learned patience and compassion. I’ve learned how to recognise my privileges and listen to others’ perspectives. I’ve learned to stand up for others, how to hear, how to help, how to correct myself. And I learned some startling shit about myself along the way – with all due irony, some of the things I used to lash out at others for are intrinsic parts of myself.
You wouldn’t know what I am now from what I was then. You wouldn’t know what I was then from what I am now.
It distresses me deeply to think of someone dredging up my dark, awful past and treating me as though that furiously hateful person is still me. It distresses me to see others dredging up the past for anyone who has made efforts to become a better person, out of some sick obsession with proving they’re “problematic.”
Purity culture tells you that once someone says or does something, they can never go back on it. That’s a goddamn lie. While it’s true that some remain unrepentant and never change their ways and continue to harm others, it’s important to allow everyone the chance to learn from their mistakes. Saying something ignorant isn’t murder. Please stop treating it that way. Let people grow.
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people always talk about leaving comments on ao3 like it's a nice thing to do, or the best way to encourage writers to keep writing, or overall like it's how you Do Your Part in fandom
and yeah, all those things are true, but having spent the past few months leaving enthusiastic comments on as many things as i can, i have a different perspective
you should leave comments on fics because it's fun
taking the time to stop and focus on what i like about a story has made me way more aware of what's going on in stories and what i like about them. there's bit more actual comprehension and appreciation and not just beaming content into my eyes to fill time
i like noticing cool little things in fics, or riffing on funny events. i've never been very good at speculating or picking apart characters, but sometimes something clicks and it rocks.
and of course it's pretty nice when you get a response and it's clear you've made another person happy
so yeah, you should leave comments for your own sake, too. it makes reading better!
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I think the funniest possible thing to do in a low stakes situation when someone subtly insults you is to ask them to elaborate.
In Seattle I was explaining environmental DNA and a woman said it “tickled” her to hear someone with my accent (rural Appalachia) “talk about science.”
So I said, “oh! 🙂 What an interesting perspective. Can you tell me more about what you mean?”
As you can imagine it went badly for her very quickly.
#feigning ignorance is actually a great strategy#if someone makes an offensive joke you can just be like ''I don't get it can you explain it to me?''
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they need to invent a writing that is easy. and fast also
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Freud action figure?? That my partner and I may have accidentally shoplifted by putting him in the drawer of the nightstand we bought and leaving him in there at checkout.
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narratively I am a fan of romances that don’t ever actually become romances
I don’t mean in an aromantic life partner way, I mean romantic tension that is never resolved or acted upon for whatever reason but by the end it’s clear that both characters experienced the love of their lives without ever acknowledging it as such. but they know. they know.
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Possum on your timeline, stop scrolling and admire.
It is his birthday today! He's just a little guy and it's his birthday! :V
#happy birthday to me :v#I got some money from family and bought a new bookshelf!#because that's what counts as excitement when you're 31. /j
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Thanks for the tag! Wait hang on this is just going to be most of my bibliography -
You reading this: "It's all UTDR?"
Me, standing behind you: "Always has been."
Noelle Holiday, the Spectacular Spider-Doe: My most recent fic! As the title implies it is a Deltarune Spider-Man AU. I like recontextualizing familiar characters with a fresh twist, so this one is a lot of fun imo! Come watch how both Noelle and Kris juggle great spider-powers and great responsibilities.
Colder, Yet Colder: The first part of my Deltarune trilogy Snow Angels, and my most popular fic by a mile. This one is a post-canon Snowgrave continuation that deals with Noelle's manipulation by a cruel player-possessed Kris and her awakening to the reality of her virtual world. A very meta one with lots of gaslighting and girlbossing! Noelle goes through a lot in this fic but it does make her stronger.
Lost and Found: Part 2 of Snow Angels! This was the sequel to CYC that I never expected to write, so I took a different tack for it and made it Dess-centric. The big innovation here was sticking Chara Undertale's consciousness in Dess Holiday's body in an unlikely headmates scenario. No one is happy about this. Complications ensue.
The Possibility of Pain: The trilogy-capper! This one is a big ol' novel that wraps up the character arcs from the first two and takes them on a new adventure with new antagonists. Gets heavily into the Dess-Chara headmates concept and the lingering guilt and trauma Noelle and Kris still have from CYC. I'm very proud of this one; it's probably the most polished, carefully plotted fic I've yet written.
Ghosthuggers: Of my fics that are brief oneshots and not novels, this is my favorite. A blend of UT and DR continuity, it features Frisk, Chara and Asriel exploring the Mt. Ebbot Museum of Human-Monster History in an attempt to find a haunting for their amature ghost hunters YouTube show. A quick dose of silly kid shenanigans and Chara angst (that in retrospect was a good warm-up for the much, much more Chara angst I would later write in Snow Angels).
Hmm let's tag @noelle-holi-gay, @mythmonster, @reyathae, @kimberlyeab and @futureboy!
Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let's spread the self-love 💞
Luckily, I have written at least five things! <sigh of relief>
In no particular order:
Once Was Lost - The start of it all. I still “enjoy” the feeling that the inevitable approach to the gallows gives.
To Tame A Tiger - We are all miss Blaseball, RIV, and all that. I wasn’t as active as I would’ve liked, but I’m still proud of this piece, and how it gives a bit of character to an underrepresented player.
Future Past - While Once Was Lost is the start of things, this is where a little of the meat of the story starts coming into play.
Pulling Loose The Threads - Escalation is the name of the game here, and shows a solid link to the established canon, which I’m always wary about doing.
Holiday In Eorzea - Not just a Dead Kennedys reference! This is easily the most ambitious thing I’ve written to date, and it’s far from over. The sad thing in my mind is that it comes after a lot of other parts that are yet to be written. But sometimes, stories have their time and demand it.
Thanks for the ask, @brasideios! I’ll leave the floor open for anyone else who would like, but I’d like to hear from @kosmosxipo , @mossy-kit, and @cyndakip - Talk some Spit!
#“a real fun one!” yeah sure Acacia maybe if you like to CRY. /lh#(but seriously go read Dear Dess Love Asriel it'll change your life)
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I'm late to posting this, since tdov was 3 days ago...but I think it looks nice so I'll post it here too.
[Image description: digital art of Kris from Deltarune in their Dark World form, wearing a trans flag as a cape with a nonbinary flag pin. They're smiling, and text next to them reads: "Happy Trans Day of Visibility!" End description.]
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Yes, the 4channers were awful and they persist in misgendering me, while simultaneously complaining I don't post anymore, with zero self awareness.
4chan harassment alone isn't why I left. This is.
It's the transphobia.
I have been in the fandom since 2015. I have been arguing with transphobes in the fandom since 2015. I have been making write ups about why it's important not to misgender the - yes, fictional - characters since 2015, because of the complete lack of caring it communicates to real nonbinary people.
Last year, I wrote a post that got 7000 notes and is currently pinned to the Deltarune subreddit. I poured my heart out about what the nonbinary characters meant to me and why they were important.
It was argued over, I was mocked for it, I included personal details about my family situation and my difficulty coming out, I was mocked for it.
I wrote it because I believed it mattered. Because for eight years, the constant comment when mentioning the pronouns of these characters has been: Who cares?
At any point since 2015, Toby could have saved the transgender people in the fandom the trouble of having to "prove" the characters were nonbinary by saying something.
Last year, Legends of Localization comes out - thoroughly reviewed by Toby - and calls Frisk, Monster Kid, and Napstablook "ambiguous", designed to have an unclear gender.
You can see in the collage of screenshots how the transphobes in the fandom took that. One delightful individual was so triumphant over the victory, they put the statement in their Reddit subtitle.
So each time this individual posts to the Undertale subreddit, people will see this quote, carried around like a trophy with all the pride of a dog with a rotting pelt in its mouth. That's how much it meant to the transphobes in the fandom. They're delighted by having this quote to throw back in the faces of transgender fans.
Because who cares? The majority of the fandom isn't transgender, or on tumblr. It's easy for them not to care about transgender people.
You can block block block as many people as you want (I had thousands blocked here) but you can't curate your way out of transphobia. It isn't possible.
Because the majority of the fandom is on Reddit, or YouTube, or Twitter, and they, quite vocally, do not care about transgender people.
Some people may recall that I stopped posting to the Deltarune subreddit after the mods decided to filter all posts containing the word "nonbinary" without telling anyone.
The mods stopped filtering the word after I posted this and apologized, but the point was made: people in the greater fandom think the word "nonbinary" is a dangerous, impolite word, one that only invokes argument and therefore should not be used.
So I stopped posting on the Deltarune and Undertale subreddits. I never made YouTube or Twitter content. I set my blog to only allow people with Tumblr accounts to view it. I turned off all asks, anonymous or otherwise. I blocked thousands of people. It did not work. Transgender people can't curate (read: quarantine) our way out of transphobia.
Years of this, of transgender fans of the series getting attacked for trying to claim and fight for nonbinary representation in the series, and "ambiguous" is the language Toby signed off on.
If the characters are meant to be nonbinary representation, the last eight years has proven that this needs to be stated outright, or the onus of "proving" it falls on the vastly outnumbered transgender fans in the fandom - something that we have never been able to do without being profusely harassed for it until we shut our mouths.
If the characters were only ever meant to be ambiguous for the sake of "freedom of interpretation", then this should have been communicated with seriousness and respect to the transgender fans of the series years ago, not as a throwaway line in a translation book. (and to be clear, this is not at all the author's fault - Toby corrected and reviewed the language used)
This is why I left and why I'm never coming back, no matter what happens next. I have had enough of the transphobia in the fandom, and I have no way of fighting back anymore.
Transphobes in the fandom want the work and the passion of nonbinary people but won't even use a pronoun to show the basest level of respect and humanity for us.
I'm watching our rights being taken away day by day, and people like this just want me to keep producing my worthless little game theory posts.
Trans people don't owe you our "content" or our passion, particularly not when we produce it for free in the face of eight years of a deeply transphobic audience that we are expected to either beg for the most basic respect or to turn our heads down and hide away from so they can continue either hating us or pretending we don't exist or that that part of us doesn't matter.
"Who cares?"
When people ask this in response to talking about being nonbinary or respecting pronouns, they know transgender people care.
What they're saying is, who cares about transgender people?
For this reason, I'm requesting people not archive anything I've written, though I know I can't enforce this. That includes the Character Analysis and the "(Characters) are nonbinary why it matters" post, which I wrote in such profoundly naive good faith. For every "who cares" I have received over eight years of being transgender in this fandom.
If my identity as a nonbinary person doesn't matter, if nonbinary people don't exist, then neither does the content I made which they feel so entitled to, even while misgendering me.
I can't even think about this series without becoming angry and miserable anymore. That is the lasting, final impression the art has had on me. I can't think about it or the characters without remembering how little transgender people matter to most of the world. I've had to completely cut it out my life. There's no rage as potent as the helpless one. "Who cares?" I can't make people care.
You can't have the creations and art and "content" made by transgender people and our destruction at the same time. And maybe you can't prevent our destruction either, but you sure as hell can use a damn pronoun.
#this is exactly why the rampant misgendering has always been infuriating#because it has real emotional consequences for real marginalized people#apathy is no excuse for disrespect#people really care more about preserving their cisnormative misreadings of a fictional character than about being inclusive to trans fans#and it's a fucking disgraceful stain on the fandom's reputation#I wish I knew how to change that culture and keep this sort of thing from happening#but I'm appreciative of OP for speaking out about it
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online harassment campaigns are genuinely terrifying and part of why they're terrifying is that they make you feel like you're going insane—especially if they're false, frame you maliciously on purpose or blow things wayy out of proportion—because like. asides from it feeling really fucking bad due to the aforementioned tide of toxic sludge coming your way all at once, you genuinely start to doubt your perception of reality because surely this isn't... right? surely people can tell this isn't real/there's no way this kind of reaction is warranted or deserved, right?
if any of your friends ever go through that the single most helpful thing you can do is reach out to them & be like "jesus christ these people are nuts, are you okay?" PLEASE do, even privately if you're afraid of being dragged in. they'll never thank you enough, it's a literal life raft for their sanity
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post: it’s ok to cut paper into shapes! you can cut paper into whatever shape you want
reblag tags: good post but i just know people are using this to justify cutting it into octagons or a scalene triangle and not the fun shapes like squares or equilateral triangles
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hint of light in the dark, only enough to keep from giving up
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