April 28 2019 1:32 am

I can take as many showers as I want

and pay as much as I can to get my nails done

and cut my hair

and put on all the makeup in the world 

But I’ll still lie awake in bed thinking about how that stranger ruined my mind

I can ignore and avoid eye contact with all the men I haven’t met 

But they’ll all still scare me to no fault of their own (yet?) 

I can allow nobody to touch me

But I’ll still feel his hands

I can say it doesn’t bother me anymore and that it hardly even crosses my mind

But I’ll never be able to forget every detail of that night

I can talk about the importance of speaking up and being brave enough to spark justice

But I’ll never say his name as long as I live

Does this make me a coward? or a hypocrite? or a victim of a terrible tragedy? 

Or does it just make me one in five?

Mon. July 24, 2017 3:34 AM

I’m trying so hard to ignore the depression. I’m trying SO hard to not fall, but i am fuckin woozy and ready to black out and faceplant. getting dangerously close to that edge. 

it’s back. the longing for drugs and a destroyed lifestyle with nothing ahead of me. 

it’s back. the fear of having the “a-ha” moment of “i have become the addict that i was taught to avoid eye contact with”

it’s back. the pit in my stomach that screams for a movie about drugs and suicide while curling up in my bed and soaking up the sadness. 

it’s back. the strange satisfaction that comes after the striking fear of a destroyed life with no turning back. the satisfaction of having a way out. 

it’s back. the love for a substance i’ve never even seen. the fear of not having it. the numbness that comes with the spinning. the deep breath that comes with looking up and seeing sober walls and a medicated ceiling fan. 

it always end up with someone else being better and me lagging behind on a narrow sidewalk.

its actually really fun to the the third, fifth, seventh, even NINTH wheel sometimes! no matter how hard you try to escape being unwanted by friends in a relationship, it always comes back to this.

and to top it all off i miss david bowie way more than i should and its making me way sadder than it should.

part of me is so relieved to have a new friend group whom I can love and appreciate with reciprocation and without all the negative influences and background terror

but part of me is in such pain. because I have left my old friends and they dont seem to give a shit and it hurts a lot to see all of them without me. 

I know it’s for the best. for my health. but it makes me so sad. 

I’m not sure exactly what it is about them that i miss. I cant pinpoint it, but it may be something along the lines of missing the approval of self destruction. 

my new friends would be sad and maybe disappointed and definitely concerned if they knew about wanting to do drugs and trying to buy heroin and the issues with substance in general. 

why did i make friends with them. they’re too good for me. and even if i was good enough for them, we’re gonna all leave each other in a few months and probably never see each other again. which is even more painful i think. I’m already starting to doubt that they like me. well, some of them. I’m not sure if julia or katie really like me all that much. I dont think taylor likes me at all, and i might be annoying eva. I dont know. I’m probably overthinking agin. 

I’m almost ready to just start shutting people out completely until graduation. It would be less painful that way maybe. maybe not though. 

I was talking to reagan after school and I was in the middle of a sentence when claire walked up. they literally took a few steps back and away from me to start a new conversation. I stood and waited for reagan to come back and finish our conversation, but she didnt. not even so much as acknowledging that i was still there waiting, or looking in my general direction. then justus walked up, and he said hello to me. reagan still refused to acknowledge me for reasons i cannot seem to figure. I just ended up waiting for my ride outside. 

I feel like a bit of a social reject around my old friends. Jesse hasn’t spoken to me in months, which is like a silent knife churning my intestines. He probably doesnt give a second of his time thinking about me, but for fucks sake he saved my life, gave me a home for a whole month during one of the hardest times of my life, he invited me to have thanksgiving with his family, he was there for me when he could have turned a blind eye. im so in debt to him that i can feel the guilt in my stomach every time i think of him. 

I have to stop thinking about the car crash. it makes me ill. I want to throw up every time i think of it and it comes to me like a trauma. it’s not my trauma to feel sick at. i dont even deserve the flashbacks, if you can call them that. 

I went to the movies with margaret and will today. kill bill double feature. margaret asked me to come because she was nervous over one on one socialization and she was afraid that will was going to act like it was a date. i tagged along, and will had his hand on margarets leg for a good amount of the time. it made me sad that i’m never going to be particularly beautiful or someone you see and you tell  yourself “wow i want to talk to her.” It more like i have to try hard to convince you that im worth some time talking to. boys dont like me and definitely dont pursue me. the closest i get is when homeless men at the train tell me that im pretty. good to know that i meet the beauty standards of someone who’s been sleeping in a tent for five years. 

it just makes me nervous that i’m going to be alone in college, and it makes me very afraid that i’m actually just really ugly and not pretty and there’s nothing i can do about it. 

i’m just really eager to reinvent myself at unt. 

I am: 

happy

fun

an artist

normal

i am not: 

depressed

the girl who has been to rehab a couple times

suicidal

mediocre

damaged

a user

one of the only people who i trusted fully won't respond to my texts and I have seen once in the past month. it is a tragedy to me, but it is an unburdening to him I'm sure.

Its not love, and its nowhere near romantic. its just painfully one sided friendship. not in the sense that he hates me, but more in the sense that he has no idea how much i hurt when i think about the crash or how much i long for the nights watching the sun rise behind a pack of cigarettes and an overly honest conversation. 

i miss it. the security in the midst of my world falling apart. I miss that friend. 

I am a drug addict with no substances and a negative test. 

I have the mind of a junkie without any experience with junk 

“once a junkie always a junkie”

but “never before a junkie...just wait.”

I calculated my bmi for no fucking reason and turns out that i am overweight and i think that makes me want to hide under a blanket for the rest of my life. I feel disgusting, but i don't feel like purging or restricting. I want to get in shape and eat healthier foods so that i can look good and feel comfortable with myself, because i feel like a fucking cow

things have been very socially trying lately. it’s become hard to come to terms with that my friends were not really that good for me, which is horrible to think about because my friends helped me stay alive and indoors during the hardest time of my life. but now i realize that they are not the best people for me to spend all my time with and invest all my emotions in. Juliet smokes too much, Honor is only about Honor, Jesse is madly in love with Honor, Reagan is too invested in college and Justus and other friends AND doing other people’s homework to have time for me, and Carsyn does coke and constantly smokes weed and is pulling Lily into doing so. So I have found a new group of friends. they’ve always been my friends i guess, just not close friends that i hang out with or spend my days with. They’re a nice group of girls and they have their heads on straight. I like spending time with them and I’m much happier now. I was telling juliet about this and she completely understood. Honor is being less nice lately. like i said, honor is all about honor. and when we disagree about her getting back together with jess for the hundredth time, or smoking cigs, or lying to her mom, or any of the shit she tries to pull- then she just makes it out to be that we are all being bad friends and turning against her when in reality we are just trying to help her in the calmest way possible because what i would really like to do is smack her really hard on the fucking head a few times to get it through her thick inward-facing skull that she's got a shit life because she makes shit decisions and won't take responsibility for her shit actions. and it doesn't help that Jesse would jump in front of a fucking bus to save Honor from standing in the middle of the street. But whatever. I lost the point of this entry. 

Life was too much

so i ran away 

and then life was good for a little bit

it was not half bad

and then it was unbearable

and dangerous

and risky

and it was almost.

life was almost not. 

my life was almost not anymore.

so i came back 

and it was good 

it was better than most times for the first time ever

and it was different

so i assumed

that things had finally changed for the better

but i was wrong

because i can feel things 

changing

for the worse

faster and faster with an ever increasing velocity until we reach our ultimate destination

that destination is of four options

1. I change who i am entirely and am finally the child they wanted all along

2. i fuck up and get kicked out -in this situation i am not allowed to come back

3. i leave again- in this situation i am also not allowed to come back

4. i die. 

i can't wait to see which it will be

who do i need to pay to see the happy side of myself 

It’s all a lot right now

its been a lot 

for a very long time

for the first time in months i considered using a knife

it was only for a quarter of a second if that long

but it happened. i considered it. 

and then for a little bit  longer i thought about death

my own death, in particular

and how life would be easier

with no life at all

but i snapped myself out of it

because I'm saving the easy way out for later

I am i am i am losing my mind to myself, nobody will speak to me anymore and if they do it is surface level and they do not care about the words i speak or the meaning behind them. i want to be far away. physically farther from my house, mentally farther from these thoughts that come with the cold, emotionally farther from these godforsaken cravings. 

i talk a lot of shit on cocaine for someone who would try it in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. 

I've started smoking cigarettes because i like the way they cloud my chest. its a sensation. i don't have a lot of those anymore. 

my body is becoming unlovable. to me, at least, though i as a person have become unlovable. but that’s not entirely relevant to my point. my body is not what i want it to be. i make poor choices in eating and my family is no help. 

my mother will die obese. 

my father will die overweight. 

my mother will live her last day not wanting us to look at her because she hates the way she looks. 

my father will die out of breath. 

my mother thinks she is ugly. she is the most beautiful woman i know. 

my father doesn't think he has many friends. if i had to spend my last day with one person it would be him. 

my mother thinks we all hate her and think she is incapable. she doesn't know that i truly believe she and my father have given me everything i am able to have today. i grew up happy. 

my father works too hard...he works so that he can send me and my siblings to college and we will not have to worry and so that we can afford the things we really want. he slaves himself so that we don't have to care. 

my mother will die a savior.

my father will die a superhero.