Letter 33

8 nov 1984

"Dearest Mimi,

I wish I could accept your wonderful offer to stay in your home for Christmas. Unfortunately. I am not very well and not able to make any plans right now.

It is such horrible waste of life to be out of order. Only God knows how I would love to be with you. Thank you dear little Mimosasan.

G."

Letter 32

"450 East 52nd Street

New York 22, N. Y.

January 10, 1970

Dear Mimi,

I am not very well organized so I had to run around my home looking for an envelope for the shades. I suppose I emtied one that had something in it and did not see the photo. It is as simple as that. If you feel like sending it back to me, I might be able to tell you who the two men are in case you want to find them.

Love, G."

Letter 31

"15 Jan. 1963

Dearest Mimosasan!

Thanks for letter. Unfortunately, I cannot answer yes. I have no plans at the moment to move anywhere. Unless I can find someone who fully converts me. And that probably wouldn't be easy. But it was good of you to think of me because you never know. I have nothing of interest to tell you. I live so monotonously. Still not going to the theater or anything else either. I wish Stockholm was very close so I could visit often. So far away. Maybe I will be "converted" sometime in the future (hopefully it will be soon) and I will send a better letter. Thanks again for thinking of me. Say hello to your boy and Mr. N---n.

G.

Just thought about the jacket that was sent to you. You might be able to use it. So maybe when you thank her for your scarf, could you can say thanks on my behalf and say that it will wait with you until I come back."

Letter 30

"Dearest Mimosa.

This package may be too late to wish Merry Christmas. So I say Sleep Well too. I'll really try to get home next year.

Best wishes G"

Letter 29

“Mimosa Darling.

Thanks for getting in touch. Unfortunately, I hate writing. I don't want to say anything definite since I never know my plans, but I hope to go home this year. maybe, maybe it will be. What keeps me away is that I know nothing worse than when the papers throw themselves at me. And it can't be done without. God to soon be able to come home as a common person and not as a spectacle. It would be the best gift anyone could give. But I hope I find courage and take God in my hand and jump home. I don't even know how many years it has been since my last visit.  

Maybe everything changes and I find a small home and move out completely. We shall dream. Maybe we'll move in together as two "Bachelors" for surely you have not married since the last letter. If I stop hating writing, you'll hear from me again.  

Love. G"

Letter 28

"Stockholm 23 Dec 1935

I am sending only a line to wish Merry Christmas. I have been ill since September. Only been up a few days and then back to bed. Now I've been lying down for five weeks straight. But still not good. Can't go. I'm desperate but it doesn't help. My doctor says I should have surgery but I am resisting for as long as I can. It's my little lower abdomen that's messing up. But you have that --- over yourself as you know - -- it's a shame about the people as you also know. I am happy to see that things are going so well for you. Good little lonely girl. Because I know you're lonely, too. Yes we know a lot about that, I soon don't know what to do with all ones boundless wisdom. Yes, joking as always.  

God, if we were ten years back in time then I would go to a cafe with you and we would be so serious and cute. But full of bubbling lively curiousness within us. And then we wouldn't know how furiously fast life goes by. I don't have any Christmas

- maybe I'll be drive up to my brother's and sit at a table for a while, but it won't be so much fun for them since I'm not Santa Claus in any way. . Until then, you are "immer ein fremder" and a thousand times more so when one is not well. - And no "totta" for you or Lasse. I can't care about anything. But you can forget that I exist and it will be fine.- This was not a cheerful letter, but if, with God's help, I recover, I shall write a little happier.

But I'm just so infinitely childishly disappointed. Now I will --- wish you a nice Christmas because now you don't have time to read more in the middle of the Christmas rush. And I know that you will find it to be nice and pleasant- You have your boy who is happy about everything nice you do for him.  

Maybe I can be with you sometime when --- Merry Christmas littlest Mimosasan and say hello to yours ever ever so much.

Gurra

My handwriting is just as careless and bad as it was in school. Something Lasts"

Letter 27

"Oct. 1935 Stockholm Sweden.

and then another colossal thank you for Märta's head or

Yours.

Dearest Mimosa.

I should have written a long time ago but I have been unwell ever since my birthday and here I am lying in a bed, a little bitter. I would have liked to have had a week in the country all by myself and run in the forest. But it didn't work at all. Shall go to St-m and go to the doctor now. In any case, I have had the company of your "head", which I am infinitely happy to have. But if I'd known you'd have trouble with all that when I happened to say I liked it, I probably wouldn't have said I wanted it so quickly. My sincerest thanks to you.  

I don't know what the doctor will tell me, maybe I'll have to be on further bedrest. I have a fever you see, but even if I were to be all right, I hardly think I dare to expose myself to possible fun with the crowd. I'm thinking of Gothenburg. I just get so endlessly down and unhappy afterwards if they recognize one and it's likely that they do and then it's not worth it. It costs too much on my poor nerves. But we'll see. If it works out, I'll call.

Otherwise, we'll have to come up with something else eventually. I'm lying down and writing so my beautiful handwriting is better than ever. Oh Mimosa I wish we were at the school, I long to go there and I want to go with you. I wanted to stay there for hours. But maybe you'll come up to Stockholm one fine day and we'll go. I have nothing happy or new to tell you, only that it is raining outside and the room I am in is very cold.

But I want to hear the rain in my homeland, so the window must be open. If you were here and I were feeling better I would invite you to go swimming, God knows what happened to us after that. If you ever miss me, write, if you can come yourself, do it. I don't know how I will get a residence, but for my mother's sake I will try to live with Sven. Klippgatan. There you can send all your lovely letters with happy news, and the King of Siam will be happy too. Live well"

26

(Telegram)

"Culver City Cal 7/18/1930

"Awfully proud to be a father and besonders einem knaben Greta"

Letter 25

"California June 18 - 30

Dear little Mimosa!

Oh! what a big surprise all at once with your letter. No living soul told me that my friend would give the world a new little mimosa. Because I feel that it will be. Beloved friend the world never stands still. It's just me who doesn't have time to catch up. Trying to think about it all exhausts me. You were my friend. I left, you got married, you're going to have a child. How wonderful of you but I feel left out. I can't keep up, everything is slipping away from me. Finally, I become so lonely because I can't do anything else.

But I won't say more about it, because it's up to oneself to manage it alone! No that is not true. Our nature with which God created us cannot be helped or changed. I don't know but I'm selfish like most people are, I always thought you and I belonged together in a special way. I can't believe that everything has changed. I myself know nothing about my own life. I am absolutely not a star, lives simply and infinitely withdrawn I don't see people and hardly know anything about my so-called position. I could just as well be back at the school and have lunch with you. However, it was pleasant and we were i would say quite happy. But "das" leben geth "weither" is of course completely misspelled. Besides, you probably can't read what I write. Besides, I'm tired and sleep terribly, you see, and that makes one a little, if not endlessly tiersome. Ugh such an ugly letter you get from me.  

I am indeed ungrateful to take such a bitter tone. You know if Nisse read this he must have thought I was your lover, abandoned lover. When I get home, can I go out and walk with your little one? What should it be called? I don't understand anything: Garboni Pollack. Mimosa Lundell. Can't you write to me every now and then when you get time and say what you feel and think.

Got a letter from Märta with a photo of you and your head that she made. Would love to come home and see it. Save it until I can. Just sent a reply to Märta, I like her a lot! She has a case of nerves. Be sweet to her. Received a letter from Hörke who told me that she had dinner with you. Would like to redo that trip to Tisdad, but not so hysterically. I am terribly longing to get home and participate in everything that is happening. .But time goes by fast, for better of for worse. Dearest, you don't believe despite my harangues that I don't feel for you and am glad that you are happy, however, you and I belong together since a long time ago. What happens to you has something to do with me. At least we had many moments together that are pleasant to remember. By the way, we have had a terribly amazing time together. I actually get nervous when I think that soon you will be holding that little one and cry out of happiness - - -

In fact I do feel a little fatherly happiness as well. You shouldn't play theater for a couple of months after. You will certainly be much stronger after giving birth. Remember what Mrs. Schildknekt (don't know how the name is spelled) said. Yes, I can now only wish you all the best and assure you that I am indeed "angry" about not being able to be with you.  

Say hello to your father and mother ever so sincerely, and Sven of course and maybe you should give a little greeting to the henhouse. Oh, how adorable it must be out there with you now. Yes, maybe there will soon be a day when we can go out and look for eggs together. Have fun Mimosa and when you have some free time tell me more. Say hello to the father-to-be. Gurra"

Letter 24

LATE WINTER 1929

"Dear Mimosa. I'm the young man who never answers letters, a modern fairy tale might call it. Anyway, I thank you at last for what I got for Christmas and letters. I'm probably worse than you, my wife. I've come from everything. Not because I'm indifferent to das Leben, but it's all rooted in the fact that one is the "outcast" (paradox) and that you haven't found someone you want to share your life with. And then everything passes and you almost never participate. I've been sick almost all the time just going between the doctor and hospital. I have only been in Tistad for a few days in all this time. It was better the days we were there. I haven't seen any of the theater here it must be bad. Otherwise, I'm tired and prefer to go to bed and read. Exiting life, but the only thing possible, for now.

Vienna - wonder if I'll get to see it sometime anyway not now how much I'd like to. I also don't know exactly how long I'll stay here waiting for papers that haven't arrived. I would love to meet you at Hammarö. If it's quiet and there are no strangers, maybe I could join you. But everything is so uncertain. I should have left a long time ago. But a beautiful one with God's help we can play boarding school time again. Live well Mimosa, I'll let you know and you'll write me when you have time. (often) G"

Letter 23

"January 28 - 28

Mimosasan!!

Although I rarely write, I beg to tell you once more my old ditty. You are the only one for me Mimosa and no one will ever take your place. I still have no female companion in my American life. "Darling" if one dares to call you that nowadays after the married life has taken you. I always dream of seeing you soon and find out if you care so much for me your old bachelor.

Mimosa why I don't write more often is that I renounced the world until I can return home. As I told you before, I am completely apathetic. Still rarely go out because I don't like the Americans. I don't set foot in the studio except when I have to. You don't know this little country, so you probably don't understand what I mean when I say I'm putting off life until I can go home again. It is so endlessly uninteresting here that you can't do anything else. The sad thing is that I'm not interested in my work either. It is only a factory make here. Yes, a lot could be said about the whole thing - and nothing. It's not worth either part.

And least of all, I feel like I'm a motion picture star. Don't think I grieve so much. I have stopped feeling. I rarely plan for the future, it will be as fate dictates anyway

- but sometimes a little dream comes to me. Here it is! About a small bachelor apartment. With a good bottle of champagne. In Stockholm!! And in my dream you are always there. Maybe I shouldn't place you in the center like that. After all, you are married - and perhaps much changed. But I have no desire to change my dream, I'm on the other side of the Atlantic and don't know anything. I love you. Little Mimosasan!Thank you, little one, for your Christmas gift box. I always have it in front of me and the rose petal cigarettes remind me that Europe still exists. Thank you Mimosa. Misse, as soon as I get home we shall have an Operakällaren "dinner." And how I shall embrace you. Hope Nisse is working right then, until the worst is over.

But when it will happen, I don't know for sure, only that it will take place according to contract before 1928 is over. Mimosa, I have a lot to risk getting hurt on again. Especially your cat that I've never met. News asks your eyes for sure. Not available here. Mona travels back in a month. Poor thing she likes this about as much as I do. I don't see her very often. I think she'll probably be happier if she goes back. Then she gets to tell you herself about this enchanted land of film. Sjöströms may go home soon. However, not decided yet. Wondering if you met Moje. Poor dear Moje. If so, you will see what America has done to him. I love him so much - and I have him to thank for being on the silver screen. If you could still make a film in Europe.

Have you had enough of my whining now? But it is only to you that I write outside of home, and I have to tell you at some point that I dislike a lot of things in our world. Mimosa I wish you happiness and success with Thalia and with Nisse. Tell me if marriage is the only right thing for a person. Although I have no idea about it for myself. My letters are still scrambled but maybe you get some of it. Say hello to Nisse and cheat him of a small piece of your heart for me. Gurra"

Letter 22

"I hate the California sunshine*

*should represent sunshine

Sept 15 - 1927.

I will never marry!

Darling mine!!

Thanks for your letters, I wonder what you think when I don't hear from you. Or maybe you sense that I'm a little scattered.

I'm so nervous I have trouble sitting still. But maybe you haven't felt the way I feel in the last year and then you can't understand. You see, maybe I can never be calm because I was born cranky - but I don't like it here and there are so many and many little things that get on one's little nerves. But I only dream of going home now. Moje Stiller will probably travel in November. I now have to start a film but will ask for permission for Sweden after it.

You lovely little girl, thank you for the photos, you are just as thin and pretty and petite and the same small hands, even though you are married and I haven't seen you in two years. I'm a little bit jealous of Nisse, who get's to care for you, and I have a feeling that he won't let you have a little time off if I come home. I see red, you know, when I think that there you are at home and everything around you that I thought I cared for too and I've sold myself and have to sit here.

If it wasn't so terribly unstylish and cheap tacky and ugly. But that kind of thing cannot be described, it has to be seen. God, how we insult this country, we Europeans. And I wouldn't have anything to say that hasn't seen the host, and can't emphasize its merits but I scold the worst. I'm not alive Misse. I exist because I work, but I am someone who has no idea what they do or why. The whole thing is strange. I still live in my old hotel with the suitcases on the floor so I can always see them and be reminded that one day we will go home. I have Monica here, but we don't see each other much. I don't know how it will go for her. She only has a six months contract. So maybe she goes home. I do not know.  I do not know. She also thinks this is he-l.  

I'm faithful to you Misse - I have no one here, no friend, if you knew how lonely I live, and yet I'm a "movie star" --- But I can't stand people anymore. I laugh at myself sometimes you know. Maybe you are the same now. Mimosa, if  Nisse reads this, he'll think I'm proposing to you, but I have to tell you - I love you so. I am longing for you! Which does not mean that I speak or write English. This is very bad. But I love you in all languages. You little little girl.  

Darling you sent me those things that I asked for and you know I was gone and hadn't received the letter notifying me that the things were here- I get so much mail and I don't have a secretary but I don't give a damn about the mail because I know my friends write to Miramar.

I happened to see your letter and a note from some customs house or such. I sent a man to ask for the package, but by then it was already on its way back. Do you think it would inconvenience you if they take them back, I will send for them, if not, I will leave the whole matter, because it will not come here again for a couple of months, said the man who listened, and then it is so anyway late with my present. I'm very sorry Mimosa and I thank you for the trouble. But don't forget to tell me if there is any discomfort, in which case you can only call my brother and ask for money and that it be sent back immediately. Yes, what should I tell you dear when nothing happens and I do not participate in anything. Little has happened, but what is not suitable for letters becomes gossip when we meet. By the way, I'm not a dollar princess. I don't mind the dollar, but I don't care about the princess. That liking for dollars is typically American. But people call us stupid Swedes because we are so honest and don't want to talk about money. Which is the stupidest thing imaginable.

I still hear rumors that I bathe in gold. God, I wouldn't even mind that one bit. But then I wouldn't bathe here anymore, then I would go home. But hope that the pile of gold still grows slowly. Such foul language. But that's how you become here eventually. If I stay longer than that, I don't know how ugly one will become. Shall now finish my somewhat scattered letter. Darling. My brother, I must tell you first, is so ridiculously happy to have spent time with you and he is so fond of you both, which I cannot believe. Ouch. Ouch. - In any case, you must not forget me, if I am remembered through my brother, then I shall not forget to ask him to disturb you sometime.  

Don't forget me and don't look at me coldly if I come home soon. I long so terribly to see, - and touch you too, of course. - Write when you have time, say often that you like me even though you have Nisse.

jö darling. Gurra."

Letter 21

“Mimosasan!!

Little darling. Soon it will be your vacation time when you go out to the country and the birds. Wasn't that beautifully said? Hope you have a good time. And no child.

I'm now working on a film Anna Karina but it's not a good director so I'll be after that. I am 'busy' from morning to night. Mimosasa sorry I'm going to ask you something. I know it's not fun running errands for others and getting things. But you have good taste and are the only one I can ask. Forgive me once more before I ask. Do you want to get one of those Swedish brandy bottles you know with hearts and flowers on them and 12 identical glasses.

So something else. You know those peasentry fabrics in all colors. I would like two with some dark bottom they will hang on a dark brown porch out in the air. So some dark background but blue and red, yellow and all the other colors of the rainbow. One and a half meters or slightly more in width and three meters long or more. If you have time, otherwise, for God's sake, don't worry about them.

I will give them as a present. So only if you have some time, I will be eternally grateful. Send them if you can get them with Mona. I know how boring work it is, so I'm a little anxious. Send me the bill in the package and I'll send you money right away. Greet yours in Karlstad. I've often wondered about Sven lately, how can things be nowadays. Hug him from me and your little dad and mom.

I longed so much to come home to you again, but the old house has been demolished. I longed for it with its peculiar scent. I can smell it whenever I want. God Mimosa, I can never stop longing for you, ugh, if I could see you again soon - but you are married and don't have much time for me anymore, but I know you have sometimes wanted or want to have sometime. Darling once again only if you have time with what I asked you and I am eternally grateful to you.

Now I will go downstairs and work. Everyone is waiting and when I come down the bastards say Ready for you miss Garbo. Darling Mimosa don't forget me. Gurra"

Letter 20

"--- Don't forget me for all the new darling,

think of me that time goes by fast, maybe I'll be home soon and then I don't want to get gray hairs from your infidelity. I wonder if you met Gösta, he is and will remain a friend if he want. Oh how I like him how sweet he is. But I never write to him. I'm such a nut now. I'm so tired that I don't write more than one letter a month and I have to send it home. Call him greetings from me say that many sweet thoughts go to him too. And Vera, what about her as she was unwell when I went here. Write Misse to me. Write something for my lonely soul, it's so hungry you know. It's dangerous to write home, I feel it now, my head is spinning, I long more and more for every word I write.

Do you have a role in a play that is coming up now, tell me if you work a lot and what else you do. I'm dying to hear something. I think--- this that I am already married to Moje. I'm not exactly happy. God if I could talk to you. I'm going crazy living without everything I love. If I did well here and got a little money then I wanted to try at the theater again.  

And then I will take you to me whether you want it or not. Then you have to get a divorce. Or maybe you can bring Nizzi along. I'll think about it for next time. You mustn't delay with an answer either, you see it takes 18 days before it gets here from Sweden. I sincerely hope that everything is happy for you and I ask to be congratulated on all the success that comes with the next play. Write soon. I will ask for letters every hour. Would you like to greet Vera and then Julius Grönalund. I think nothing will be the same if I come home after a couple of years. Greetings to you too, hope you got my message to Karlstad. Don't forget Gurra and live decently until I get home.

A thousand greetings to you my darling.

Gurra"

Letter 19

“Little dear Mimosa!

Received your letter yesterday which awakened my questioning spirits of life again. Thank God that things seem to be going well for you and Nisse. Saw in a newspaper clipping some nice reviews about him. You're not getting married yet are you because you're not saying anything.

If it happens soon, don't forget to tell me first so I can think intensively about whether it will be a boy or a girl or none at all. I, on the other hand, am rather small of a person. I have worked for 5-6 months on the second film I made, endlessly tiring. I have also been and am so nervous the last few months that I can't sleep. I've also had a bit of a quarrels and disputes with Metro-Goldwyn. The Americans are wonderfully smart, but they never want to understand anything else, never compassion, everything is always time and money. "Hurry up" that's the feeling you always carry inside. Well, it's probably very dark to explain this country to people other than those who know it. I finished my second film a week ago and will now immediately be cast in a new one with John Gilbert and Lars Hanson.

But even though you work together here, you never get to know your colleagues, not at all like at home. I have worked 5 months on the last one I said with Antoni Morino and I didn't know him any more than I know your cousins in Italy. Isn't that funny? But then I never go out to events either. I don't know any film people beyond saying good day to them at our studio. I am considered an old original. Me who always sat up half the night drinking with you at home. But when you have no feeling for the people, it's still just tiring to meet them. You always argue that I might change my mind, no My Little Lady, I don't think I can ever change my mind and why should I and for what. I want to remain as I am, just not quite as nervous and I always want to remain Gurra with you.  

As you know, Stiller is with Lasky and takes care of Pola Negri. She's supposed to be very classy. It's not so funny that Moje Stiller went to another company, but it was probably the best thing for him. I'd be happy to follow if I wasn't tied down - because Metro-Goldwyn is terrible. I, who hoped so much to be able to go home now, but it doesn't work out, that's probably also true, there's only been one film with me here and there, hundreds thrive to become famous. Haven't seen anything from the second one in the order, but it will probably be shown privately in a couple of weeks. Then you get your verdict. If you knew how strange the directors are here, many of them probably know nothing about soul life, etc. You only get orders about where to go, stand, sit, say, etc. then you can do what you feel if you also do it under all the criticism. They are not like Stiller, living with and working people up to feel something.

"Although it failed for him vis a vis me in Gösta Berling." Imagine, they always say - but imagine if you were here and filmed instead and were with me. But you have Nisse now, of course. When I'm not working on the film, I'm alone all day in my hotel or I wander around a bit - then I see Moje at 7 o'clock. We usually have dinner together. Thank God I see him otherwise it would be a chore to go home. But I still think I'll probably have to go home soon. I often think about Sweden, how differently you could use the hours sometimes compared to here. But it's probably good here too, maybe when you have friends or home.

When you get time, write and tell me more about yourselves. I probably look very funny when I get letters from home I go to a corner and I probably look very upset. So now you know. Shall start in 2 days with the new film. Goes and swears about it but has to start. You also start these days, only if you just got a great big role so I can open newspapers with emotion. Say hello to Vera if I haven't written before then. Keep an eye on her - hope she is strong again now. Tell Mona for me not to take Petschler's film he will totally destroy her. Dear little Mimsa, don't forget that I rarely write either, but I'm so terribly busy from 8 p.m. 6-7 p.m. Don't forget that. But I will come home again, maybe very soon, and I don't want to be forgotten. As long as I get. I'm always Mimosa's Gurra. Say hello to Nisse and your family a thousand times".

Letter 18

“California 3-6-26

When will you send me your photo that you talked about?

Sweet dear Mimi!

Thank you for your letter for your kindness, it always feels so good to know that you are there even if I don't get to see you. I want to try, I have promised myself not to complain and I would prefer this not to become a letter of complaint. I believe that God sent me all this heavy horror that happened because I was unhappy, perhaps without needing to be. What has come over me, I can't believe, I can't understand that it is true and cannot be changed. It is suddenly as if life has ended and something has died inside me.

It's not a tragic feeling either that I go and write "now life is ruined for me. No it's such a strange calm feeling just like what happens doesn't concern me it doesn't wake me up and it doesn't sleep all that still . I don't know what it is but it's so strange. I wouldn't lie but having to be here now is not fun. I've been waiting for letters or telegrams saying that everything that happened wasn't true someone had only wanted to be mean I would pray God bless the one who did the evil only that it would not be so. Can you understand that those we hold dear pass away - if we ourselves should live 100 years we shall never see them here again. Never - can you understand that. I didn't get time to do anything for her either. I never got the chance to be kind, indulge her, see her happy. The feeling you get when you say you didn't get time, no human tongue can express.

I have worked and work very hard it is too much for a woman. After this film, I intend to take the consequences and ask to travel home. I can't bear it, I have to go see mother and visit Alva's grave, maybe I can see her. I still get no feeling for my work, I go to and from like a machine. If only you could understand how I live. You know that Stiller would be the director of my second film, the one I'm doing now. Only a week after my little sister's death came another blow. Moje unlucky Moje has gone through hell here.  The Americans have been terrible, they don't want to let him make films like he's used to, get involved in everything and take away his inspiration, poor Moje was exhausted and tired. He walked away from it all. He was decent you know didn't yell didn't fight didn't give in to them and ruined for himself. They probably wanted to remove the personal aspect of him, so he would make films like everyone else makes here. I have now had to switch to an American director. I actually didn't know if I should run from everything. Everyone also knows that I'm on Stiller's side, but that doesn't concern me. Don't know what will become of it all. Mimi, when you see Gösta Khylberger, don't you want to give him a kiss from me. He is so sweet, my dear Gösta. He has done a lot of good for me, I am eternally indebted to him. Seeing you and Gösta again is the bright spot for me. I sincerely hope that everything goes as I wish, then I can be home in September. Then you must be in Stockholm again. Are you happy and is Nisse healthy? I know you're busy and how it goes with writing, I'm an example of that, but I think I hear so rarely from you it's because I'm the same. Come over here to me darling and we'll go home together it is a divine sea voyage divine.  

I thought, you know, I would try to get mine over here if my film is successful, and then stay here for another 2 years. I don't have a salary now, you understand, to talk about can only live "all right", but if my film is good, I hope to get more. Hope I get rich. If I were to get money one time, I would like to invite you on a trip to a place where you would like to go if I could come along, of course. I don't dare build anything up in my head. Life usually has other things in store, but who knows, maybe it could be. Mimmie, I miss you so much, you can't come. But maybe I get a bad conscience, this is not fun, you see. Anyway, I still hope to see you again before the end of the year. It's nice to have hope. I ask you to understand that no one is happier about your success than me, little Misse, I knew you had the blood of an artist exotic, I also think you are. I wish you to be happy and tell me. Write to me again about your plans for the summer. Would you like to say hello to Nisse and then to your family. To Mona and Vera ————————————————————-My sincere longing follows these lines over to you and Europe ——- Greta.”

Letter 17

"4-3-26

Darling!

Thank you for still remembering me. I am so happy every time I hear from you and at the same time unhappy to be reminded of everything I am excluded from. Saxon has been here as you well know - he is very decent and I always like him well except when he wants to marry me. I have been and still am unhappy about my heart. I don't think it's often that a woman has felt so inferior and worse than I have felt. I have humiliated myself, been bitter, mean, crazy, but I never escape from what fate throws at me. I might as well be a hundred years old as twenty. I have no wish, no distinct longing, I soon don't know what is behind or ahead.  

Sometimes a terrible desire to be reborn awakens in me so that (I) can be freed from the feeling of being nothing. And yet. I'm so ungrateful - my film has been shown here, the public criticism was wonderfully kind - but I don't think I was anything so I can't enjoy what I don't think I deserve. I don't know that all the Swedes were fond of me. I was not as well photographed as I could have been and the acting was nothing. And if they also don't have someone like me here, they can get tired soon enough if you can't act. Maybe I know something, but my mind is so heavy to carry that I am disgusted when I stand on stage. I am very lonely. I don't want or can't seek American companionship, therefore it would be a greater relief than I can speak of to have someone who liked me. I would so like to take my sister over because you can never come - but mother got so sad and lonely so I can't possibly do that. Every time Mimmie I have complained like this I repent and promise to do better. It is so ungrateful and ugly to trouble your friends with such things, but Misse you are the one I can talk to more than anyone else. And I know, I won't change my mind about you. If you were to travel over here, it would only cost you the journey. You were supposed to live with me. But you never know how things will turn out here either, if you stay long. Will now start for Stiller soon. I am grateful and scared, I don't know how it will go to play for him. Gotta tell you my movie is running for the second week at the N-Y. biggest theater - two weeks there is very rare and they credit me for it. I should be happy. Come over and tell me Is Nizzi in the theater now too?

I haven't written anything to Vera, say hello to her, I heard someone say that she spoke a little badly about me and that made me sad, maybe she doesn't like me, I don't know. Or maybe it wasn't true what was said, you have to listen to stuff like that. Misse, maybe my movie will be playing at home soon, write honestly what you think, don't be afraid, I've said what I thought myself. Lars Hanson plays for Sjöström ---? Went and everyone talks about him that he wants to be something special. Karin takes care of the household and no movies at all. Then there is nothing to tell here as usual. By the way, I have to learn to ride ladies' saddles for the next film and it's terribly difficult. Try it, you'll see the fun. You can fall off as often as you want. If you want to write to me soon, I will be happy and don't forget to tell me details about yourself. Say hello to Nisse that he owes it to be healthy now for all time when he's got my girl. Also say hello to Gösta K. Take care darling and don't forget me. ———-Gurra"