I love this. Great work!

Archon Abraxas and Aeon Sophia from Gnosticism, but as Japanese students. Commissioners come up with the wildest stuff sometimes and I love it.

Thank you a lot for 3k followers and also for all the commissions and reblogs/likes on my art (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

To celebrate this milestone, I’m gonna be holding an art raffle! Here’s how it works:

Reblog this post to enter (only one reblog counts)! You also have to be following me.

There will be two winners (and another two on my Twitter).

The prize will be a full-body picture!

Normal commission rules apply (no nsfw/furry/mecha, I’m not super strict about it, but it’s something to keep in mind).

The raffle will end on March 31st.

I think that covers all of it. Thank you once again and good luck :>

Musings of a Mind Addled by a Cold

I’ve suffered from a head cold for the last 24 hours, and so between catnaps have had time to indulge my love of Fate/Grand Order, and I have come to two realizations. I love Fate, just as a concept. Yes, it is dumb. Yes, it is anime as hell, but the entire idea of utilizing historical figures and legends as Pokemon is just so fun. My one gripe with it, is its fixation on 3-4 time periods. We will have every single Knight of the Round Table, every warlord and notable warrior in the Warring States Japan, but will we even get Orlando or Oliver so Astolfo can get his bros in the Twelve Peers back together? I doubt it. My second realization is I really dislike the entire conceit of event-limited temporary characters in gacha games. I get the reason why. “Oh, you like them, right? Well, why don’t you play more, spend more, to permanently add them to your party?” Honestly, I’d much rather work to get a welfare character than have them placed before me like a confused adult swinging keys to entertain an infant. Just my two cents. Lastly, Nobu is adorable. That is all.

Unbearable [Reversal 1]

This certain project actually has two protagonists; the fiery-minded Bea and the dutiful, glamorous Victoria. Bea has had her turn, so now it is Victoria’s. I hope you enjoy her as well.

Also, I must put to bed a query as to whether or not I am dead. I can assure, to the best of my knowledge, I am not. I appreciate the concern, though.

[Reversal] The Emergence of the Strawberry Goddess of Absolute Success!

Victoria Ludovelga, 9th Degree Executor strutted through the pristine alabaster halls as a vision of beauty and grace. Unlike her peers, she lacked the sallow androgyny usual with maidens, where without her robes and cowl, she easily passed as a young mother; fit, glamorous and coquettish, and even on one occasion, did so. Oh, did so very furtively, as memorable as her face was, but she strode through the streets, even the mentaks and the peasant mothers gawked at her, causing her to titter with glee afterwards. Still, she tossed back her strawberry blonde bangs out of her face, there would be time for happy remembrances after she talked with Maestra Martha. Stopping her walk along the marble corridors of the central chapel to the goddess Libertas,  finding her mentor, the raven-haired gran maestra standing there, a pillar among the gossiping first and second degrees gathered around her like ducklings around a mother duck. Spying Victoria, she smiled warmly, before turning to her charges,” Alright, children. Go on ahead. I must speak with sister Victoria for a moment. It shouldn't take long at all,” she called, before turning to Victoria.

“Maestra,” Victoria bowed, as Martha gently held her face.

“My flawless jewel, my protege, how do the days find you?”

“I am well. I have been blessed by Libertas, and I seek to spread her will to the peasants,” Victoria replied.

Martha beamed, “That does my heart well. Unfortunately, I must inform you of grave tidings. Constable Lucretia Valence was defeated while in Rintoun. A new martial artist has appeared.”

“One of the rebels?”

Martha shook her head,” No. The way she reacts to the activities around her suggests she is a lone operator. The pressing issue with her is her Orgone. Unlike other rebels, her movements are erratic and somewhat bizarre. I doubt she is aligned with the Coalition, but she still is a thorn in our side, acting against the Regime. Find her, and root her out.”

“As you wish, Maestra,” Victoria bowed.

Clarion trumpets swelled through the hall as Martha sighed, kneading her brow.

“What? What is it?” Victoria demanded.

“I suppose you wouldn't know yet, my dear, but this is the danger of being a high-ranking Executor,” Martha sighed.

“What's that?”

“Be silent, and you will see,” Martha replied.

“OH, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTHA?”  the floor shook as the nearby gates swung open violently as a gigantic palanquin shuddered forward, hefted by a team of a dozen low-grade maidens. Upon the palanquin lounged a corpulent giant. Dressed in a gilded leotard that did little to hide the sprawling woman's expansive flesh. With garish orange eye shadow and golden coifed  curls in her hair, she was a distinctive sight, a bronze buddha surrounded by adoring maidens feeding her grapes, waving palm fronds and massaging her as she stared down at the two maidens,” My, my ,my, who is this delectable sight?”

“This is my protege, Victoria Ludovelga. She is a 9th grade, so you'd not be interested in her Tribune. Now, what can I do for you?” Martha asked.

“Ahahaha, but she's so cute! I wouldn't mind sharing my chambers with her for a night, no matter the grade,” the Tribune replied.

“I'll lend you some of my students, Tribune, but I will say this, I would very much frown on you taking her. She is my crown jewel,” Martha replied with an air of finality Victoria never heard in her teacher's voice.

“Ah, too bad, then. I would make it worth your time, but if that is how you feel,” the tribune shrugged, “Now, to more boring issues, the Dragons would like to speak with you about the Coalition's activity in the Zeatt-L region.”

“Why is that? I have no jurisdiction in this area. Why are you not discussing this with Maestras Ethel, Jane, and Paige ?” Martha asked.

“Because the Dragons have disclosed to me that you are in the process of being chosen for the position of magister maestra,” the Tribune tittered, as Victoria sucked in a shocked breath. Magister maestra? The most senior and exalted of positions within the Executors?

Martha smiled at this,” I am eternally flattered at this, but I must decline. My place is here, training my dear little flowers till they blossom into the beautiful maidens I know they are.”

“Your dedication is duly noted, Maestra. However, you should discuss this with them. As for your little protege, I also have a little gift to your mission,” the Tribune leered.

“Oh? What do you have in mind?” Martha inquired. The Tribune tittered, as she snapped her fingers and the door opened once more, as a large green chair lumbered through of its own accord.

“What is the meaning of this?” Martha asked as a pair of eyes opened on the backrest of the recliner, with a leering grin opening from the seat cushion.

“Why, hellooooooooooooo, Sweetheart!” the chair declared in a wheedling, piping voice, sidling up to Victoria as it extended an armrest,” A pleasure to make your acquaintance!”

“An animus warrior?” Martha snorted,” I—Oooh, that's quite nice.”

Sensing Martha's derision, the chair rushed up behind her, and tossed her back onto its seat.

“Do you see now its ability? This is Sconehound, one of the finest animus warriors of the Regime, and a perfect counterpart to Victoria here. I have read the reports. This new Coalition fighter is a mother who flaunts her womanly power, correct?” the Tribune sneered,” What better way to defeat someone who waggles their ass about than a chair?”

“Indeed, my Tribune! I, Sconehound, am an avid scholar of the human bottom! Derriere I say, I am the leading expert! Even other animus warriors cow to my immense knowledge,” Sconehound mocked,” For instance, Maestra, with how you sit upon me, you had a cold within the last month, did you not?”

“I did, actually. A small head cold, but one nonetheless. How did you know?” Martha replied.

“It's quite simple! How you tense your muscles, your heartbeat, the scent of your sweat, all of it gives away your health!” it explained.

“Martha quickly hopped off Sconehound, “Very...cute. I must thank you, Tribune. I'm sure Victoria will be greatly assisted by your warrior. Now, Sconehound,” she turned to the chair,” Victoria will be departing at dawn tomorrow. Be prepared.”

“Aye-aye, Maestra,” it called, as it saluted with an armrest smartly before returning back inside the door.

“Very good, Maestra. Now, sadly that is all the time I can afford you. Do take care of this Coalition fighter, will you?” theTribune yawned,”Take us back inside, lovelies!”

The maidens grunted as they hefted the palanquin, returning back inside the gate as well, as Martha kneaded her brow in frustration.

“Never get involved in politics, Victoria. Such things are too much trouble for their own good,”  Martha sighed.

“But, I wish to be a maestra myself, Teacher! I want to follow in your footsteps!” Victoria protested.

Martha looked up at her with a warm smile,”How blessed I am to have such a dedicated and thoughtful student as you! Now, do get prepared for your deployment. And remember, Victoria, you are an instrument of Libertas' grace.”

“Roger!” Victoria saluted, and walked off smartly. A pillar of stability and grace as she walked through the corridors, she kept Martha's words in her mind, pausing only at the sight of a sobbing young maiden, beside a bored looking sixth grade, while a group of other maidens gossiped with each other nearby.

“Come now, you're holding up the others,” the sixth grade chided.

“B-but--” sobbed the maiden, rubbing tears from her eyes.

“What's going on here?” Victoria asked.

“Oh, Line Officer Ludovelga. I'm overseeing the low-grades providing ministrations to the eastern villages, and this one is going on her first trip. Someone must have spooked her because she's been like this all day,” the sixth grade explained with a sigh. Victoria nodded; she understood entirely now.

“So, this is your first ministration deployment?” she asked, kneeling before the sobbing maiden. The tiny maiden nodded, wiping her eyes with her cowl, as Victoria tutted gently, handing her a handkerchief.

“Mmhmm. Meastra Jane told me ministrations hurt! That mentaks use it as an excuse to hurt you! They get away with it, while you have to live with the scars,” she explained, as Victoria frowned.

“There, there. It's not that bad. You get used to it, and you have to think about it from a different way. Instead of fearing the mentaks, think of your ministrations as a way to help people, so they don't think of hurting people,” Victoria offered.

“That's easy for you to say. The goddess blessed you,” the maiden pouted.

Victoria shook her head,” That may be, but I still went through ministrations, just as you do now. Yes, it sometimes hurt, but I also helped many, and sometimes, wonderful things happen. I met my betrothed when I was in ministrations, so it's not all bad. Just focus on that, and remember that even if things go bad, you can turn to your sisters in the Executors,” Victoria smiled, as the maiden nodded. Standing up, she bowed to both Victoria and her superior.

“Thank you, Senior. Um, I'm ready to go now,” she said, as the sixth grade looked from her junior to Victoria, clearly impressed.

“You are most blessed indeed, Line Officer. I've been cajoling her for almost an hour now. My thanks to you,” she bowed, and led her gaggle of maidens away.

Victoria smiled as she recalled her own ministrations. True, it wasn't something she'd jump to return to, but one day, as she, then only a mere fourth grade, a lanky young man with a unkempt blond mane and a nervous smile, entered her tent. After a tense exchange that lasted only a few minutes, Victoria sighed, as she counted this as merely yet another mentak she aided, until he kissed her afterwards.

“Thank you,” he called. And left without another word. He left such an impression on her she sought this young man out once her tour of ministration ended, and discovered his name and residence, and from there, it was like a dream come true!

“Ah, Nichol,” she sighed, pausing at her apartment, punching in her door key and entered,” I'm home!”

“Oh....Hello, Victoria,” Nichol called. Still lean and muscular, he now possessed bronze stubble, and even though Victoria wished he'd grow it out, it remained mere shadow,” How...was your day?”

Victoria smiled. Sweet, dear Nichol. He was always so nervous around her, even though she doted on him. Even so, she still found it adorable.

“I am doing quite well, Nichol. I talked with Teacher today.”

“Oh? What does Maestra Martha need of you?”

“She needs me to deploy tomorrow. I may be gone a few days.”

Nichol grimaced,” What does she having you do?”

“I will be hunting down a fugitive of the Coalition,” Victoria replied,” Do not worry, though. The Tribune has given me an ally. I won't lose.”

“That's not what I'm worried about, Victoria,” Nichol sighed,”  You keep going on these missions. I'm just worried, where will this leave me if something goes wrong?”

“I understand, and I'm trying to make it happen! I've applied for a teaching position, where I'll be off the front lines, and I can be home more. On top of this,” she smiled coyly,” Instructors are a fast track to tenth grade; to Gran Maestra! If I can achieve that, then we can finally start a family together!”

“Oh...Of course,” Nichol nodded, looking away.

“Oh, don't be like that,” Victoria beamed,” Here, let me make it up to you...”

Nichol snored, collapsed in their bed, as Victoria showered. Lost in her own thoughts, as the drizzle fell off her, she flexed her fingers along the wall as she sighed.

“Why couldn't I have been born a mother? To be a maiden; a woman and yet not. Such a  waste,” she grumbled, as she nodded. No matter what, she would take care of Nichol. It was the least she could do. Joining Nichol, Victoria drifted to sleep, freeing herself from her worries in this moment of peace.

The next day, Victoria rose early, dressing herself and set out, affording herself only a peck on Nichol's cheek as she departed. Approaching the outer gate, she found Sconehound already there alongside a Executor skimmer prepped with its crew at the ready.

“Gooooooooood morning, Victoria! I trust you slept well?” Sconehound called.

“I have no complaints. Now, let's not waste time,” she replied, hopping aboard as the driver, skinny, mocha-skinned maiden in glasses saluted to her.

“Executor, fifth grade, Laura Hyrdegard, ma'am! I'll be your driver today! According to our intel, the rebel fighter is currently hiding nearby Tack Ohm. We will begin the search there,” she explained, as Victoria absentmindedly nodded, and the skimmer rose, rapidly gliding over the terrain. Even though this wasn't her first time on a skimmer, one never really forgets the rush of the wind flying at one's face Even Sconehound was enjoying the ride as it stuck its tongue out into the breeze.

“I never knew that a seat could also be a dog,” Victoria called, as Sconehound smirked.

“Be careful how you speak to me, dear Line Officer. I have more influence than my fluffy exterior may lead you to believe.”

Victoria snorted,” At least I'm not a chair.”

“Ah, but that you are. The difference between you and I, though, is that I was made like this, forced by human technology to become what I am now. You, you were trained to become a seat for others to lean on,” Sconehound replied.

“Silence, sofa!”

Sconehound snickered,” Do you know what they call you Executors within the safe space of the inner sanctum, Line Officer?”

Victoria shrugged, “I've never been. Maidens are not allowed in the inner sanctum of the Tribunes.”

“They call you 'Butterfly Witches', strange, unnerving monsters who shift from their ungainly state to something unnatural and beautiful; to possess the heart of a woman and yet not be; forged into  perfect weapons.”

“What is your point?”

“My point, my dear Executor, is that it is you who are the pawn here. I will utilize your pretty face to raise my own position in the inner sanctum and soon, I will be the headboard of all animus citizens!” Sconehound cackled. Victoria rolled her eyes, focusing on the city looming in the distance. As they approached, she noticed the milling masses of mentaks as they hefted great bundles of tubes onto large trucks, which, when loaded, zoomed off towards the city.

“What is all this?” Victoria asked the driver.

“Tack Ohm is a mining city, Line Officer. You know the Spidernet? The great processing tubes used for it, that connects each home terminal to the main net are forged here. It is because of this that the city is all the more critical,” Laura explained, as Victoria nodded. She wasn't particularly technically skilled, but who didn't know of the Spidernet and its ability to connect every member of the Regime, from lowly mentak to the highest Dragon?

Hopping off the skimmer, Victoria stood before the working mentaks as they paused, staring at the vibrant strawberry goddess before them.

“Mentaks of Tack Ohm! Your efforts are to be commended. I come not to punish you but to protect! I am searching for a young mother who uses Orgone without a license. She is dressed in an odd and shameless fashion; some sort of gown, I believe. If you kindly tell me where she is, then I can remove her and be on my way.” The mentaks looked to one another, with none moving. Victoria sighed. She expected this level of cooperation from them. Clearing her throat, she continued,” If you all cooperate, I will arrange for a second deployment of ministration for you all.”

“D-d'ya mean it?” One mentak asked, as Victoria nodded. The crowds looked at each other darkly, before opening a path to the central complex.

“She's inside, Executor!” one mentak explained, as Victoria gave him a warm nod.

“Thank you. You all have done well,” she waved. Inwardly she sighed,” I figured I'd have to resort to such bribery. Horny mentaks.”

Stepping inside, Victoria sucked in a breath as instead of merely the machnery and endless materials, she found a series of crystal clear pools, Technicians pored over them with intruments, some even dipping sensors or glass stirrers inside, s large rings hummed above each pool.

“What even is all this?”

“Well, ever since the collapse of the Brotherhood of Evil and the rise of the Council of Dragons, the accumulation of raw resources is a dangerous, dirty task. Metals, once found n deep in the earth, have all been ripped out and were used to build gigantic, disgusting structures only to glorify their own greed and lusts. Now the only reliable way to find metals is to scour the earth's water and draw them out using magnets and sieving technologies,” Laura sighed. Victoria nodded, taking in the strange machines around her.

“How are you so knowledgeable about all this?” she asked, as Laura giggled.

“Because, ma'am, I want to be a pilot. To become a licensed pilot requires years of testing and certifications, so I just have picked up it all in so doing,” she explained.

“I see. I wish you success, then,” she replied.

“Thank you!”

As the trio walked forward, they found a crowd of mentaks gathered around one pool, as chuckles and banter arose from the center. Pressing her way through the crowd, Victoria's eyes widened at the sight. Unlike the other pools, cream-colored mud filled his lake, and in the center sat a single mother, like a brown shrub planted there, she sat shoulder deep in the mud as she chatted with an elderly man as a wiry mentak lounged nearby, picking his ears. About them, the crowd sat, chatting and laughing with each other.

“So, you were trained by Mornington and Windsor? Gods, it's been years since I heard of those two,” the old man chuckled, as the mentak ceased cleaning his ears and sat up.

“Wait, so when she said she was raised by bears, she wasn't joking?” the mentak sputtered.

The elder cackled,”My boy, you've never heard of Windsor and Mornington? Damned fine fighters, the both of them. Each time they met, the town or mountain was destroyed. Although, I suppose it makes sense. The only fighter close to their skill in recent memory was Alexander the Sage, and he was captured.”

The young woman perked up, standing from the mud excitedly,” You know Alexander? Can you tell me where he is?”

It was then the elder noticed his visitors, as he leaped to his feet,”Ah, I—err, Miss Executor! What can I do for you?”

Victoria looked from the grovelling elder to the young woman bathing in the mud, “I believe I am here to arrest that mother. Step aside, if you please, Elder.”

“Please, Miss Executor! This girl has done no wrong!”

Laura gasped and Sconehound snickered. Victoria looked down at the Elder darkly.

“I will ask you this once,  Elder. Did you just assume that mother's gender?” she roared, raising her open palm and striking the Elder on his shoulder. Her hand flared to life with golden Orgoneflame, and he crumpled under the blow, collapsing to the ground.

“Ugh, my old man hip,” he wheezed.

“Elder!” the mentak cried, rushing to his aid, as the woman stood there in the mud, her own Orgone erupting menacingly.

“So, what? You're to get revenge for that one blue-robe from before?” she demanded.

“I am Victoria Ludovelga, 9th Grade Executor. Face me, rebel, so we can get this over with,” Victoria called, as the woman snorted.

“Fine. Name your battlefield, then/ I'll take you blue-robes on anywhere, anytime,”

“Bea, please! These guys don't mess around!” the mentak warned.

Laura sucked in another breath, as Victoria gritted her teeth, “You really don't learn, do you!” Lunging forward at mach speed, Victoria's hand lashed out once more, striking the mentak with her blazing palm as he grunted in pain, collapsing back.

“Your language sickens me, Mentak! You are under arre--” she huffed, before Bea kicked her in the cheek, sending her flying through the roof, skidding to a halt outside amid the crowds of mentaks working outside. The crowd around her paused, as she hopped to her feet, feeling her cheek.

“Oh, dear. I hope I don't bruise,” she lamented, as Bea stomped outside, her Orgoneflame a bonfire. Ignoring the mud still caked to her person, she stood before Victoria defiantly. Victoria eyed her enemy's limb and her eyes widened in shock.

Noticing her opponent's stare, Bea smirked, flaunting her wounded leg,” A gift from your compatriot. She sought to seal my fists. However, I'm not so easily defeated.”

Victoria stared, unsure how to respond, as Bea jumped forward, Spinning about, her bottom glowed with power as she hurtled towards Victoria. Victoria froze, shocked at this assault, as Sconehound burst from the complex like a graceful ottoman swan, interposing itself between the battling pair, deftly catching Bea midflight.

“What just happened now?” she asked,” Am I in a seat?”

“Ooooh! Oh! Such tone, such power! You truly are a potent warrior, Miss!” Sconehound cackled,” However! No bottom can flatten a seat! Such is just the nature of things!”

“Was this part of your plan, then?” Bea angrily demanded, turning to Victoria.

Sensing an opportunity, Victoria stood tall and laughed haughtily,”Of course I did! From the intel I gained, you are quite a potent force, but with your main weapon sealed, you ought to be no trouble to me!”

Bea gave her a look,” Really? You?”

Victoria giggled, spreading her arms wide. Bea blinked as her opponent stood before her, a blonde goddess wreathed in golden flame. It took all she had to not leap into her arms, even if the temptation weighed heavily in her mind. Leaping off the cackling animus warrior, Bea lashed out at Victoria with a thunderous kick.

“Bear-Knuckle-Boxing; Bear-Sole Beat!” she roared, as Victoria smirked, grabbing her foot and spinning her about like a spindle before tapping the sole of her foot with a single fingertip. Bea shrieked in pain, flying back, landing in grip of the lounging mentak from earlier.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Oh, I'm fine, Lad. I just have a chair attacking me, and now this blonde bimbo. Today's just a bang-up day,” Bea complained, as Lad stared at Victoria, before rushing to her side.

“It is you! I wasn't sure, but now, it has to be! Miss Victoria! I'm a huge fan!” he grinned.

“Lad, really? You know this woman?” Bea asked.

“Who doesn't know Victoria? She's the Strawberry Goddess of Victory! She defeated the General Grosanthamus of the Lord's Revolution rebellion, and a superb martial artist! I, err, even bought your photo collection,” he admitted.

Victoria blinked. True, she had admirers and many fans among the mentaks, but this was a new one, “I am...very flattered by your kind comments. I apologize, I don't have my pen for autographs, but would a hug suffice?”

“Of course!” Lad nodded eagerly, and embraced her roughly. He squeezed her too tightly for her own taste, but smiled through it, only releasing him when she saw Bea leap up again, aiming a kick at her head. Lifting Lad up bodily and shielding herself with this witless mentak, both Bea and Lad were shocked by this move, leaving Lad face-down in the dirt, with Bea standing over him.

“Look, you idiot! You harmed that mentak!” Victoria yelled.

“Me? You tossed him in the way! You apologize to his soul so he can rest in peace!” Bea demanded.

“I'm...not dead,” Lad groaned.

“Poor, poor mentak! This cruel mother harmed you so! Here! Let me avenge you!”

“But you were the one to hurt hi--” Bea offered.

“Fist of the Deceitful Trap, Burning Love Subschool; Careless Caress!” Victoria intoned, rushing ahead, just as Sconehound scampered ahead himself, scooping up Bea out of Victoria's path. Victoria careened to a halt as her blazing right hand fell to the ground gently as a fire exploded on the spot.

“What is the meaning of this, Sconehound?”

“MWEEHEEHEE! Victory is mine! Thank you for your help, Line Officer, but this kill is mine!” Sconehound exulted, clenching Bea between its cushions and squeezing her like a vice. Clenched in the middle of this vice, Bea's face betrayed her confusion and worry, as Victoria growled at her impotence.

“Sconehound, this wasn't part of the operation! We ought to work together!” Victoria cried, which only served to increase the chair's cackle.

“Ah, but that it is, my dear Executor! We are disposing of a terrorist and a known threat to the Regime!”

Victoria cursed under her breath, as Lad shakily rose to his feet.

“Why-why aren't you getting out of this, Bea?” He groaned.

Bea shot him a look,” W-why do you suddenly care? Isn't that blonde one more your type? It's because she has bigger boobs, isn't it?”

Lad's cheeks burned red, “Now isn't the time for that, Bea!”

“Isn't it, though? I'm about to be crushed to death! You might as well tell me!”

Lad, now stuck in a vice of his own, looked to the onlooking mentaks and his idol, before grimacing and shouting something he knew he'd regret, “ Yes, I like Executor Victoria, but between her and you, I'd much rather have you! You saved me! You talked to me like I was a person and not just a mentak! Even if her boobs are bigger, I think that's more important!”

Silence rang throughout the yard, before Sconehound finally called,” That was a foolish thing to say!”

“You mean that?” Bea asked.

Lad nodded, his face hardening into the grimace of a man who has made peace with his own death,”Yes, every single word.”

Bea sighed with relief, as she wriggled out of Sconehound's grip in a single spinning flourish, standing on its seat,”So, seat-thing, you said no butt could harm you, right?”

“Yes, that is true,” Sconehound conceded.

Bea then slammed her foot right through Sconehound's base, punching a nice-foot shaped hole through the animus warrior,”Then, it looks like I need to dance all over you then!”

Sconehound whimpered and collapsed onto its side, as Victoria sucked in a shocked breath, while Bea hopped off the deceased recliner and ran into Lad's arms.

“Well, there's that, then,” Bea mocked,” You still wanna dance, Blondie?”

Victoria merely smiled,”It's a beautiful thing you two share. The budding blossom germinating between you two.”

“What are you talking abo--” Bea demanded, as Lad fell limp at her, covered in thorny vines.

“Haha! It finally germinated! When that mentak touched me before I decided to perhaps utilize him for later. However, I never knew I could capture you so easily,” Victoria chuckled.

Bea growled, hefting Lad even as the vines dug into her flesh,” I promised myself I'd never use this power. It sickens me.”

“Oh? And why's that?” Victoria asked.

“Because it's my sister's power. Bear-Knuckle-Boxing: Right to Bear Arms,” Bea huffed, leveling her hand at Victoria as she pulled back a finger and flicked it at her opponent. Victoria blinked.

Then it hit her.

A torrential cyclone of wind slammed into her leg, slicing off her limb at the thigh. Collapsing to the ground, she howled with pain, clutching the useless stummp. Blinking back tears, she tried in vain to steady herself as her head pounded with pain and shock As she cursed her opponent while they hobbled away, and with mentaks and Laura rushed to her aid, she fell into unconsciousness...

Unbearable Chapter 1

This is why I need to get some sort of mental blinders on when I write, so my mind doesn’t wander and I make more work for myself. I’m in the middle of Photon Breaker and this spills out of my mind and onto the page. I am sorry for the number of puns contained within. Wait, no, I’m not! In any case, I hope you all enjoy.

Emergence! The Messiah of the Dystopian Regime Era!

There was no helping it, the trial was a mere formality. The whole of the quiet farming village of Rintoun gathered around the trial with great interest, with the arbiter off to one side, while the bailiff and the accused stood before him.

“Let's get this over with,” the arbiter, a rather handsome looking kangaroo dressed in the dark robes of his station lazily declared, turning to the accused, “Mentak Lad Bodach, you stand before us, accused of a grievous crime indeed. How do you plead?”

The accused Lad, a young man, barely of sixteen summers, cried,” I didn't do anything wrong! I swear! I would never assault anyone, least of all a mother!” His protest ended when the bailiff, an androgynous bespectacled woman with a page cut the color of the sky, blue robes draped over their form held in place with a broad silk belt, smacked him upside the head.

“We shall see,” the arbiter muttered,” Bring out the first witness.”

“The victim of this heinous crime; Mother Third Class, Mia Qlpa” the bailiff called, as a thin woman wearing a similar gray work uniform to the accused.

“Please, madam, tell us what happened,” the Arbiter asked gently.

“You see, I was minding my own business, counting the kale bricks brought in from the processors, and this hooligan approaches me,” she recollected as tears welled in her eyes,” Then...Then....”

“Please, ma'am, if you need to take a break....” The arbiter offered.

“No, I'm fine,” she replied, wiping her eyes,”I need to do this.”

“So stunning, so beautiful,” the crowd cooed, as  Mia continued.

“And it was then when this fool dared, dared I say, to touch me! Oh, how can I function in my duties now when I am assaulted so?” she sobbed, as dangerous muttering swept through the crowd. Lad swallowed. Things looked incredibly bad for him, eyeing the bailiff as she licked her lips. Averting his gaze, he dared not even give the bailiff ideas.

“Such a dangerous crime indeed. What is your rebuttal?” the arbiter asked.

“Yes, I did bump into Mother Qlpa, but I never intended her any malice! It was an accident,” Lad protested, as the Arbiter and Bailiff looked at each other.

“So you did admit you touch Mother Qlpa, then,” the Arbiter asked.

“Yes, I did, but--”

“I've heard all I needed to. Lad Budoch, by the authority vested in me by the Regime and Libertas who reigns in Heaven, you are sentenced to death via electro-hanging. As you are mentak; without issue or mother to claim you as spouse, execution will occur immediately,” the Arbiter declared, waving his hand,”Bailiff, if you please.”

“With pleasure,” the Bailiff grinned,”Executors!”

The crowd muttered to each other as other maidens of the Executors, also all in slinky blue robes identical to the bailiffs, brought forward a large wooden platform with attached hook and cable noose. Erected in place, Lad gulped as the noose hummed with power. Grabbed by the bailiffs vice-like grip, belying her experience in the Executors, she pushed him forward to the terrifying mechanism before him.

“Any last words, mentak?” the Bailiff called, not very interested in the answer.

“I'm sorry! I won't do it again, please--”

“I daresay you won't. Goodbye, you little turd,” the bailiff sneered, pushing him forward. Lad shut his eyes, resigning himself to his fate, as the bailiff paused, her glasses squawking.

“WAR-NING! WAR-NING! NEW BATTLE POWER DETECTED!” the glasses screeched in an atonal mechanical voice.

“What's the matter, Bailiff? Finish him off!” the arbiter demanded, as the bailiff looked up.

“One moment, I--” she began, as the crowd exploded with complaints and coughing. Out of this conflagration walked the most unlikely of saviors. Taller than the bailiff, with unruly curls the color of fresh earth billowing around her face, she reminded Lad of the icon of Libertas back in the village chapel; fit, curvaceous and full of life, so unlike the skinny, furtive girls he flirted with. Dressed in a white gown down to her thighs decorated with the word 'BEAR' festooned over her chest, she looked entirely unfazed by the stares and the chill of the morning surrounding her.

“Oh, am I interrupting something? I'm sorry,” the young woman called, as the Bailiff sputtered.

“Executors! That mother has displayed unlicensed Orgone! Seize her at once!”

Orgone, the life energy of all beings, one of the powers used by the Executors to ensure their dominance over the mentaks and mothers of the Regime. Its users were stronger, faster, and more durable than a hundred people combined, and yet, as he gaped, Lad couldn't believe there were two people capable of wielding it before him.

The other Executors charged at the newcomer, as she sucked in a large breath, before her foot lanced out. The Executors paused, clutching their sides as they collapsed groaning.

“Bear-Knuckle Boxing: Bear Foot in Mouth,” the newcomer commented flatly.

“Bailiff! What's the meaning of this,” the arbiter demanded.

“I've heard of people like this. Either they hide from my sisters, or they wander in from other worlds; Rebels,” the bailiff leered,” One moment.” Leaping from the platform, she pointed at the invader,” You! I am Lucretia Valence, fifth degree Executor of the Regime! I would know your name before I kill you!”

“Me? I'm Bea. Bea R. I'm a student of Bear-Knuckle Boxing. ” the newcomer replied.

“Oh, a martial artist? Then I won't feel bad for using my training: Fist of Deceitful Trap,” Lucretia sneered, as a glowing green heat haze billowed about her form.

“Ooooooh,” Bea whistled with admiration as she stepped forward, before exploding violently.

“HAHAHAHA! My Fist of Deceitful Trap is that of the Annihilating Landmine subschool! The ground itself is my weapon!” Lucretia mocked, as Bea's gown, now blackened and torn, drifted to the ground. Lad's expression fell with his hopes, only for Bea to leap down before Lucretia, hammering her with a blow to the ground. Lad sucked in a shocked breath. Bea stood before him naked save for a pair of bloomers. She didn't seem to mind, as she flexed her fingers. Despite the titanic blow she suffered, Lucretia rolled to her feet, growling with anger.

“HOW! How did you survive? My landmines kill even bull elephants hopped up on maddening amphetamines! Tell me!” she roared.

Bea shrugged, pinching her cheek,” Bear-Knuckle Boxing: Bear Skin. My skin can take all sorts of damage and leave me fine.”

“Fine, then! Deceitful Annihilating Landmine: Limpet Lure!” Lucretia keened, as flat metallic devices materialized around Bea's wrists.” Surprised? Now, if you get within ten feet of me? BOOM! Those explosives I conjured can burn through armor a foot thick! It doesn't matter how, be it Orgone or regular armor, you're going to lose your hands now!”

Bea sighed,”Bear-Knuckle-Boxing: Bear My Heart.”

“Bare your heart? I'm not sure you can with udders like those,” Lucretia mugged, as Bea jumped upwards, spinning about as her bottom glowed with purple light. Small, round animal ears poke out from her crown as a tiny furry tail sprouted from the small of her back, just in time for her to look down at her opponent, before the glowing light roared to life, slamming Lucretia with a beam. Landing back on her feet with a hop, she turned around, finding Lucretia still alive, albeit now burned and broken, inside a heart-shaped crater.

“S-so that's what you meant,” Lucretia groaned, collapsing backwards, out cold. The crowd looked to one another with fear. The Executors were fearsome enforcers, and yet this newcomer defeated even a fifth-grade member handily!

“And that is Bear-Knuckle Boxing,” Bea said proudly, donning her gown off the ground once more.

“We can't allow this monster to range free!” one roared, as more and more cries in agreement rang out. Pitchforks and hatchets raised, and the crowd approached Bea as one.

“I—Oh. Well, time to go, then,” Bea muttered, grabbing Lad as she scampered away, off into the long, endless fields of kale around them.

“Wait, wait, wait! Why me?” Lad complained.

“Did you want me to leave you back there with them?” Bea asked.

Lad thought about this for a moment,” Please take me with you,”

“That's what I thought.”

The sun hung high in the sky as two opponents eyed each other in a forest glen.

“I never expected our final battle to be like this. Still, Mornington, prepare yourself, for you will meet your death this day,” a brown bear dressed in a red gi declared to his fellow, a grey bear dressed in a blue gi The pair of large animals stood opposite one another in the clearing, as Mornington raised his paws into a fighting stance.

“I'm afraid such won't be the case, Windsor. Master Jean may have been vague when he named the successor, but it is obvious who Nature and Time chose to be the next Bear-Knuckle Boxing master. I have the stronger paw, the faster lunge. I am clearly the better fighter,” Windosr declared, rising from his slouch.

“And that's where you're an addle-pated simpleton, Mornington,” Windsor replied, “I'll let my claws reply to your soft words.”

“We'll see, Windsor, we'll see,”  Mornington mused,” HAVE AT YOU!”

The two bears charged at each other, but with grace and dexterity belying their mastery, the pair leapt back, both looking aside as a small human girl ,no older than seven, wandered towards them. Staggering, she held her stomach as she looked at the pair with pained eyes.

“What is the meaning of this, Windsor?”  Mornington demanded as Windsor scoffed.

“You think I would resort to such cheap tricks? Ha!” Windsor countered, “How do I know this isn't one of your gambits?”

“I don't need to lower your guard to defeat you, you mongrel!” he snapped, as the girl whimpered.

“I'm so hungry....Do you two nice men have any food?” she asked meekly.

The pair looked at each other, before Windsor finally spoke,” Youn lady, why are you so far away from human settlement? The nearest human village is over ten miles away.”

“My village was destroyed,” she explained,” Strangers in blue robes came and captured everyone. Anyone who resisted, they killed. Momma, Papa....” tears welled in her eyes, as Windsor sighed.

“Well, come on, then,” he motioned for the little girl to follow him,” You won't find any food here.”

“What is the meaning of this, Windsor?”

“I can kill you anytime, Mornington. Our duel need not be immediate. This little one needs care.”

“No! How dare you claim her like you're superior!” Mornington snapped.

The two men stared at each other; violence hanging in the air like humid electricity before the pair shook paws.

“We will raise this little one together,” Windsor declared. “Together is the only optimal way,” Mornington agreed.

“And that's how I found my two dads,” Bea explained.

“That's not what I expected when you quipped “Two bears” raised you,” Lad muttered,” So, that's how you can do all those things?”

Bea shrugged,” Pretty much. They taught me all I needed to utilized Bear-Fisted Boxing,”

Lad's stomach rumbled. Bea charged off into the scrub wastes escaping Rintoun, not letting up for several hours as she effortlessly carried him in her grip, only stopping when he demanded a rest.

“Ugh, I need some food,” he muttered, pulling out a green brick from his pocket. Pulling off a chnk of the brick, he nibbled on it as Bea blanched.

“Oh, I'm sorry, do you want some?” he offered, as she shook her head.

“Food shouldn't look like that. What even is that?” She eyed the offered brick with intense suspicion.

“This?” Lad looked at her with confusion,” This is a kale brick; kale pressed into a helpful box shape with protein. It's the most nutritious thing on earth.”

“Is that so?”

Lad continued chewing, deep in thought,” Well, there was one other thing. Before the Regime, in the ancient times, there was an even more nutritious food available. This ambrosia was called Soy. It was so good, the ancient evil, the Brotherhood, destroyed it, poisoning all soy gardens, so that as they died, the Regime would not access to such a powerful tool. It was a serious blow to the infancy of the Regime, and many died because of it.”

Bea snorted,” That can't possibly be true. No plant could be so nutritious.”

“I'm just saying what I learned,” Lad admitted,” One question, though.”

“Hm?”

“ Why did you save me?”

Bea shrugged,” You reminded me of myself when I was younger. You were weak, but you were still fighting. I had to do something. My dads always told me,”Life is hard, but you should keep fighting.” That's why I did what I did.”

“I...Wow, well, thanks,” Lad admitted.

Bea rose,”Thank me later. We have company.”

Lad looked up, spying a skimmer crewed by a squad of blue-robed figures. He recognized one as the Bailiff, flanked by a number of younger maidens. A tall Executor wearing a silken cowl stood at the back of this company. Raven bangs dropped from her hood, and despite her haughty composure, her almond eyes and pursed lips reminded Lad of a worried mother.

“We found you. You thought just because you can utilize Orgone and run well, you thought you oppose us? Just because you're a mother won't mean anything!” Lucretia roared, as Bea shrugged.

“Oh, it's you again Are you okay?” Bea asked.

“You fool! You may have gotten the slip on me before, but I'm now here with Maestra Martha. I cannot lose now,” Lucretia mocked, as the hooded Executor nodded.

“Do not disappoint me, Lucretia,” she called, as Lucretia cackled.

“Of course not, Maestra! I am at 120% now! Now, traitor! Annihilating Minefield School: Walking on eggshells!”

Immediately a glowing grid appeared along the ground, as a grinning maniacal facsimile of a face hovered several feet above Bea's head.

“What's all this?” she asked.

Lucretia laughed,” Careful where you step! One wrong step and your life will end!”

Bea looked up at the head as her foot reached out. The face's grin grew manic and distorted as her foot shifted above various spaces, before she stepped onto the space to her right. Sighing with relief, the ground then exploded as Lucretica cackled.

“I told you! I told you! You need extreme care!” she mocked, as Lad looked at the space, then the grid.

“Bea, the face is the key! It's telling you what space are safe!” He called, as Lucretia snorted.

“Silence, mentak! I'll deal with you soon enough!”

Bea's face screwed up into a furious scowl,” Don't mock him!”

“And why not? He's just a mentak! Unmarried, unbred, male,” Lucretia's voice dripped with disgust,” He doesn't even have the good grace to take the garters. An absolute disgrace!”

The purple heat haze of Orgone surrounded Bea again, as she leaped into the air, her bottom glowing again, as Lucretia frowned, leaping back as the distinctive hammering beam of “Bear-Fiststed Boxing: Bear Heart” slammed into the grid, exploding it in a single impressive display. Lad flew back, buffeted by the blast, as he staggered to his feet, watching as Bea landed before Lucretia.

“OH NO, YOU DON'T!” Lucretia keened, her fingers flashing, as limpet mines materialized on all four of Bea's limbs,” I've taken this time to add double the mines. Now, no matter the limb you use, you'll be down a limb if you so much as think about striking me!”

Bea bristled, her round bear ears and tiny tail on end as the heat haze around her churned like a tornado,” YOU WISH!” she screeched, spinning about into a heel kick leveled at Lucretia's groin, exploding spectacularly. The Bailiff gagged, eyes bulging, as she crumpled to the ground. Bea wheezed, staggering with her ruined leg, as Lucretia's gown fluttered, and Bea's eyes widened.

“A pole and two cannonballs,” she gasped, staggering back, as Lad rushed over and caught her.

“That idiot,” Martha sighed, removing her cowl and handing it to one of the maidens before leaping off the skimmer and deftly landing beside the fallen Bailiff. Breathing a sigh of relief when she felt the collapsed Executor's pulse, Martha rose, her raven hair fluttering in the wind like a dark flag, as Bea snarled at her menacingly.

“So, are all of you blue-robes like that....freak?” she demanded.

Martha slowly nodded,” The only thing freakish about Bailiff Lucretia was her inability to see through your ploy. Do not worry, she will be reprimanded for her lack of foresight. If you mean her wardrobe malfunction, well, all Maidens are thus in their bodies. We begin life as mentaks, it is true, but thanks to the wonders of modern animus therapy and gene technology, we emerge from our cocoons as maidens; superior to mentaks and stronger than mothers.”  Bea growled, leaping forward at Martha, as Martha caught her fist with a single finger.”Why the aggression? If you hadn't known, would you have treated her any different from any mother, like yourself?” Martha asked.

“It's not natural! Be happy with who you are!” Bea roared, as Martha chuckled.

“That is quite an amusing thing for a mother to say. Still, I understand you are not of the Regime, so our customs may seem alien to you,” Martha mused.

“YOU!” Bea winced, clutching her wounded leg.

Martha sighed,”  Go along now. Lick your wounds. There is a town to the south about five miles from here. Leave my jurisdiction, and stay there.”

Bea glared at her, before retreating with Lad in tow. The pair hobbled off, as Martha sighed, bodily grabbing Lucretia and tossing her onto the skimmer's deck.

“I-is this truly alright, Maestra? To just let them escape?” one of the maidens asked.

Martha laughed,” My dear students. You will find things not quite so cut and dry as they initially seem. Lucretia may not have completed the job, but she has offered us an opportunity. Get Line Officer Victoria on the line.”

The maiden nodded, as the squad of maidens returned to the skimmer, and Maestra Martha returned back to the citadel of the city.

“Busy, always busy,” Martha thought, grinning in spite of herself.

Amazing Quest 2: Chapter 3

Things get a little Down Under

Chapter 3: Fatal Feathery Fowl Fearsome Four-way Fight!

The camera pans down with Dood and company laying in a smoldering crater. Suddenly, some tiny, yellow birds scurry over to them.

Kiwi: Ah. Hey bru. Ya 'kay bru?

Genki: Oui, missour. We appear to have landed on something soft.

Kylie: And full of organs. Dood: Mrf. Kiwi: You fell from the sky. You wus hoigh az, bru!

Dood: I. Um. Yes. That. What you said.

Kiwi: I saw you fall, and there was a bug explosion! So I had to see what it was, bru. Scared our kuds, right out, it did.

Dood and the party get up.

Dood: Sorry, we didn't mean to scare any cuds. We were thrown by accident.

Kiwi: Well, no harm done, bru. Do ya need anything?

Dood: Maybe just some directions to town.

Kiwi: Oh, that's easy, bru! Follow me!

The Kiwi hurries off-screen and we're allowed to begin exploring the new area. You can still encounter some monsters, as this area is shared to a dungeon area we'll explore later, so just hurry to the side to reach the overworld and not far away is the Kiwi Village. Here, we can get the Kiwi Set of gear for everyone, including the memetic KiwiDrss for the ladies, except Dood won't get any weapons here, oddly enough. The inn holds an amusing timesink card game Dood plays against a kiwi wearing a sun visor, which has very unclear rules, and the town square holds a statue which tells, in laborious detail, the tale of The Great Emu War, where Kiwis and Kangaroos joined together against a vile avian threat. It is worth reading. In the same area, there's a sad-looking kiwi. You can tell she is sad by the fact she has large, watery eyes.

Kiwi: Oh! A-bloo-bloo-boo! I'm sad, bru!

Dood: What's wrong? Is it something I can help with?

Kiwi: My kud, bru! Those dirty ostriches! They kudnapped 'er!

Dood: I'm sorry? Kiwi: They broke into the village a few nights ago! They grabbed 'er right out of 'er bed, bru!

Dood: … I'm struggling to understand.

Deliost: Surprising no one.

Kylie: Dood, she's saying her child was abducted by the ostrich tribe!

Dood: Oh! Why didn't she just say so? Geez.

Kiwi: Oh! They want 50,000 lobsters for 'er and the other kuds!

Dood: Uh. Translation? Kylie: Sorry, even I'm off the menu on this one.

Kiwi: Y'know! A million clams! Dood: I had no idea ostriches were so big on seafood.

Genki: Ah, she means that they are held for a great ransom. Not food, money.

Dood: Oh! Man, I am learning so much about culture today. Money, of course! Kiwi: Whazza matter there, sonny?

Dood: What? I said “money”.

Kiwi: Yes, what's wrong with it?

Dood: … Huh? Kiwi: Ya knee. You keep talkin' 'bout yer knee.

Dood: …

Genki: Err-hem. Let us focus now.

Kylie: Where are the ku-- err-- kids, being held.

Deliost: Did you almost say it too? Kylie: No! … Yes.

Kiwi: The ostriches have a large base sex mulls south of here. They took over a castle there. See, it's an instunct thing for them – ostriches are fated rivals for well-to-do nobles.

Dood: I see. That makes perfect sense! Deliost: It... does?

Genki: Pardon moi, but how far is sex mulls?

Kiwi: Ye don't know mulls, bru? Almost tin kays.

Dood: Tin kays. I fully understand!

Genki: You do? Dood: Yes! Let's go save the cud from the cows! Deliost: Ostriches.

Dood: Poh-tay-toe, pah-taw-toh.

Genki: I 'ave literally never heard anyone call it a “pah-taw-toh”.

So, now we can leave town and head south, which follows a small stream down to a large castle. If you go here, an amusing cutscene plays, as this is actually not the castle we need. At the door, we meet emus.

Emu: G'day, mate. Can I help you? Dood: Are you a cow? Emu: No, 'fraid not.

Dood: Are you a dragon? Deliost: DOOD! Dood: I'm just asking!!!

Genki: That's racist!

Emu: Sorry, cobber?

Deliost: We're looking for the ostriches.

Emu: Oh! Ya must'a come from the kiwis. Silly buggers. The ostrich fort is six miles from here. Ya only come six kays.

Dood: Ooooh!

Emu: Strewth, you guys have no clue, do ya? 'Ere, 'ave a tinny and let an old codger you 'bout the war!

Dood: Cool!

Deliost: Sorry to take up your time, sirs, we really need to get a move-on. Thank you!

Here, we can actually go inside anyway despite what the guards say. Once inside, we can find a set of item shops that don't sell anything the kiwis didn't, but it doubles as a rest stop. If we go to the throne room, we can begin an optional side quest. There's an emu here rushing back and forth frantically. Speak to him.

Emu: Oh? G'day, mates. I'm sorry, I didn't even hear ya come in. What can I do fer ya?

Dood: You look worried about something.

Emu: Oh, too roight. Hm. You don't really care 'bout that, though, do ya? H-how about a tour of our beloved EmuFort?

You can then pick from a Yes/No prompt.

-If you pick Yes-

Emu: Good! Great, even! Follow me!

He then takes you into the, uh, only other available room in EmuFort, the town square.

Emu: Now, see... we have, uh, item shops! They're great. … I like them.

Genki: Is this entire town three item shops that all sell the same items and an inn? And your throne room? Emu: … Tour's over, mates! Please, come and see me again!

-If you pick No-

Emu: No? But I have some great item shops I can show ya...

Deliost: What's the matter, sir?

Emu: Ah, it's a bother, I reckon, but if ya must know... I'm the prince here. Soon to be the King even.

Kylie: That sounds like a good thing, though.

Emu: Ah, it would be. But, uh, I've a small problem on my wingtips and I just don't know how to start with it.

Dood: I can help you! It never hurts to meddle in other peoples' affairs!

Emu: … Alright, I'll tell ya. But this stays between us, mates. See, I have fallen for a fair maiden.

Kylie: A love story?! Oh, how wonderful~!

Emu: Roight, well, turns out that the sheila who stole my 'eart there was the Princess of the Ostriches.

Genki: Oh my.

Emu: So you see how I got a problem now. Can't go near the place without hearing the blighters shouting jokes about me mum, let alone get inside to see 'er. Apples it ain't. She waits for me, though. She's a 'opeless romantic, she is.

Genki: Ah, a forbidden romance. Je suis monte~!

Dood: We're going there anyway. We can just take a letter for you.

Emu: I wish it were that easy, mate, I really do. Problem is the ostriches up and moved 'er into the tower out to the east of 'ere.

Dood: We can still go there. Even if it's guarded, we'll get in there!

Emu: Ya'll take a letter for me?

Dood: I'll do you one better! I'll break her out and bring her here to you!

Emu: That's roight mad, you realize? Dood: No, I'm happy!

Kylie: He was... probably dropped on his head as a child. Please forgive my ward...

Emu: Well, if'n ya can manage it, I'd be eternally grateful. But please, don't put yourselves in unnecessary danger on my account.

Dood: We won't! We'll just bust her out of the tower! Let's go, mates!

So, with quest in hand, we can now move east out of town to cross the bridge there (which would've remained off-limits had we not spoken to the prince) and head towards the tower there. Here, you'll have to force your way in past some Ostrich Knights, which are hearty HP-wise, but only pose a threat to those woefully under-powered for this stretch. Inside, they'll continue as random encounters, which is annoying as the staircase to the room above is long and arduous and the door at the one-third, half, and two-thirds marks are blocked by lazy ostrich guards. They won't fight you, but ask for arbitrary food items, which they explain can be found in the hold in the basement. Well, that's not as easy as it sounds, as you find the basement itself is a maze-like series of hallways, with certain ones ending at different mini-boss fights. The first guard wants a Roach Roast, which you have to battle a giant roach for. The second asks for a Cicada Shake, which mandates a dance-off minigame with the Cicada King, done in the style of a DDR game using the control pad. And the last requests a Grass Wrap (Weed Gyro in PAL regions), which you can get by fighting the Burrito Bison that appears in the deepest hallway. The guards, once bribed, step aside and fall asleep, allowing you access to the princess' chamber. Dood heroically throws the door open.

Ostrich: Oh my! Are you here to kidnap me?! Again? I am overdue...

Dood: Um. I mean, kind of? Is it kidnapping if we kidnap someone from being kidnapped? Maybe THAT'S what “cudnapping” is!!

Deliost: Facepalm

Genki: Mademoiselle, we have come to free you at your beloved Prince's request!

Ostrich: Oh! You're heroes here to liberate me!

Dood: Yeah, that!

Genki: Speaking of, have you any valuables to... liberate?

Ostrich: Well, not really. But the big guard who patrols the stairwell might!

Kylie: Wait, we bribed the guards in the stairwell.

Ostrich: Yes, but did you bribe the big one?

Dood: Which one's the big one?

The area shakes briefly, then stops. Then once again.

Genki: Que?

Deliost: Wait, that's not even--

The wall blows open as a colossal gorilla clad in ornate, the stone armor blows surrounding area down.

Gorilla: HUZZAH!!!

Dood: Oh. THAT one is the big one!

-Boss Fight!-

Gorillian Horse-Powered Gorilla

LP: 5800

MP: 0

Gas Tank (Hidden)

LP: 1200

MP: 0

This massive monkey is all about power and his individual blows are devastatingly strong, none moreso than his “Lance out for Cranbe” attack where he spins in circles, dealing medium physical damage across the party line. If you want to go toe-to-toe with him, by all means, have it. He barely has more HP than the chapter boss from the previous story segment and we're much more powerful now. However, there is a way to cheese him. By using Genki's “Look! An eagle!” technique, Gorillian will become stunned and turn his back to you, revealing the gas tank on his back. If you attack it a few times, it'll ignite and blow Gorillian clear out the opposite wall, immediately defeating him in just a few turns!

-Boss Fight!-

Dood: Yay!

Deliost: That was non-sequitur.

Genki: Oui-oui.

Ostrich: You agree emphatically?

Genki: Non. I need to use the lady's room.

At this point, we can freely leave and the dungeon as a whole ceases being accessible as most of it is now rubble. If we try to leave now, a giant, sentient block will inform you the princess takes priority--

Block: Princess Priority pretty much prompts protagonists to proceed plot-wise plodding platitudes.

Kylie: I zoned out half way through that.

Dood: Peh pehpeh pehpeh pehpehpehpeh.

Genki: Oui, missiour, now you are speaking my language!

Dood: What language is that, Genki? Genki: Sometimes I lay awake at night and stare at the ceiling, wondering that. … What is a language? Is there a God? Dood: … Do you need a hug?

Genki: Badly.

--And force you back to EmuFort. Go to the throne room to run into the Emu Prince.

Emu: Ah! Y'all're back. Yah alroight, mates?

Ostrich: My love~!

The Ostrich Princess rushes the Emu Prince, easily pinning him to the wall.

Emu: BARF!

Kylie: Y'know it dons on me only now just how much bigger she is than him...

Emu: My dear princess! You're safe!

Ostrich: I am! Thanks to our strange, featherless friends! We must reward them, darling, somehow!

Emu: I agree! Unto you, I will bestow the Four Legendary Treasures of the Southwest!

Genki's eyes become a dollar and a yen sign, respectively.

Genki: Oui, your generosity knows no bounds~!

Emu: Here, sport.

The Emu prince approaches Dood and Dood gets the KiwiSwrd, OstrSwrd, KngaSwrd, and EmuSwrd, completely replacing his old set of weapons. These not only bolster his attack and defense but also bumps up his speed. This set became quite popular, to the point where in AQ6: Puddingnomicon, this was the first set of weapons Dood can unlock after his default.

Dood: Thank you sir! I will be sure to use this as responsibly as I possibly can!

Deliost: Which, based on our efforts at the Ostrich Tower, likely mean they'll be shattered within a week.

Emu: Ehh. Whatcha gonna do, I mean, really? G'luck to ya now, mates.

Now we can head south again. Now we can actually get to the Ostrich Fort in the south – presumably tin kays worth. If you go to the grotto on the right, you can get the much-loved Kangaroo, Kangaroo, and Kangaroo genes for Kylie (one for each part of her body) for her Aussie Form, which can learn “BoxJly Psn”, “FnlWeb Slw”, “Taipn Strk”, and “Daytime Drnk”, the most potent status-ailment dealers we can get at this point in the game and for some time after. Afterward, approach the gate of the fort, and you get a mini-cutscene as Dood and co. approach the ostrich guards.

Dood: Hello!

Ostrich: Um. Hi.

Dood: Can we go in? Ostrich: Um. No can do, kid. If we just let you in, we'd be setting a precedent.

Genki: Come now, Herr Ostrich, can you not make the tiniest exception on... our part?

Genki leans over, revealing yet more of her sizable chest.

Ostrich: Um. I'm sure that's supposed to be impressive, but I'm a bird. Genki: Oh. So you are.

Dood: Um, it's just, we want to save the... cows.

Deliost: Kids. Also, are you sure you want to just be saying that to the ones who kidnapped them?

Ostrich: Oh, I wish you hadn't gone and said that.

Dood: Why? Ostrich: 'cuz now we have to kill you.

The ostrich guards rush forward, hurling the party through the air to the map.

Genki: Mein Gott! Such rude little bird-brains!!

Kylie: Yeah, that wasn't super smart, Dood.

Dood: I'll show them! I'll build my own fort! And it'll be cooler than theirs! And they won't be invited to come in either!!

Deliost: Dood, focus! We need to save the children!

Dood: Yeah! That too!

Kylie: Yeah, but how do we do that...?

Now back on the overworld, a robed figure appears off to the side. Speak to him.

Dood: Hi.

Man: You... you have an interesting aura about you.

Dood: Genki says I'm a tent.

Man: Good for you! Say, are you trying to get into Ostrich Fort?

Deliost: We are. How did you know that? Man: As luck should have it, I was just happening by when those muscle-headed guards sent you sailing through the air. More airtime than they ever had, nyuknyuk.

Deliost: Do you... know a way inside? Man: I do, as a matter of fact. See, the race relations around here are a little unstable, due to the Great Emu War. The Kiwis and Kangaroos battled the Ostriches and the Emus... many lives were lost.

Dood: Really?! Man: Well, no. It was a humiliating and crushing defeat. BUT! I have a means by which you can turn this historical failure into your trump card!

Kylie: What's that? Man: See, in a nearby grotto, kangaroos live freely. All you need do is distract a mama kangaroo, and nab her joey. Take it and run for the fort full-speed! In no time, you'll all be inside and victorious!

Dood: That makes sense.

Deliost: It's a scary place in your mind, Dood.

Dood: Says the one who continued calling me “Dudu” well after the first chapter ended.

Deliost: Did... did you just hold a grudge? Dood: I like pie.

Deliost: …

So, we return to the grotto. During this event, we cannot get the Kanga-genes. We'd have to come back after the fact – which there is no point in doing otherwise – and thus these tend to get missed a lot by newcomers. Head inside and you'll need to find a Kangaroo with a joey in her pouch. When you inspect her, you'll get a small battle with a Wild Kanga & Joey monster, which functions as one unit. When you defeat her, you'll get the message “Better move fast!” as you return to control. All the kangaroos, joey or no, will aggro on you and you need to be in motion if you don't want to spend the next 45 minutes of your life fighting your way through them all. Rush back to the overworld and then to Ostrich Fort. When you do, Dood slides in and pitches the joey baseball-style into the fort's open doors.

Dood: HEY! LOOK! THEY CUD-NAPPED YOUR BABY!

Ostrich: Pardon?

The Kangaroos rush onto the map.

Kangaroo: Blimey, mates, the ostriches are taking pages from the Emu's playbook! Time to show them what-for, gents!!

The kangaroos suddenly don green helmets and open fire with their massive, mounted machine guns. The ostriches laugh hysterically and rush inside their fort as the kangaroos continue firing. If you speak to them, they mention how they'll not suffer another loss to flightless birds, or how they'll not continue to maintain a 1000:1 ratio of ammo expended vs. targets eliminated. However, the door is left open and we're allowed to get inside. Inside, we find the internal layout is just a series of hallways, dotted by ostrich soldiers. If you head left, then up, then left again, you'll find an ostrich in a lone bedroom, staring a poster.

Ostrich: I really admire Soggy Teacher's style!

Dood: Kay!

This baffled fans for years, up until the era of the internet, when we learned a bit more about Mrs. Hironbu Sakaki, or as the ostrich says in Japanese, “Sakaki-sensei”. Reports indicate when this blunder was shown to Sakaki herself, she actually had her drink spray from her nose.

Anyways, the remainder of this dungeon is very droll and shares its tileset with the Ostrich Tower, meaning this is going to look awful same-y. If you explore towards the right-hand side in the second stretch, you can find a jail. Go ahead and let the people inside out (this'll pay off later in the game). And for a bit of an Easter Egg – the last one you let out is a tall, buff guy who thanks you quietly and departs. This guy is actually a shout-out to the side manga, Orange Ravine: it's Fellow G. Individual! Though nothing in the game mentions his name, JeffCom+DTK has admitted that it's him. In the GBA re-release, you get a scene with him later in the game, though, which is nice. If you press on past the third area, we'll get to the proper boss: the Ostrich King.

King: I see... since you're here, I have to accept that you're here! Dood: … Wow, that didn't even make sense to me...

King: You're here to avenge those damn marsupials! Well, you shall not do that which you came to accomplish!

Kylie: … Um?

King: Now, let us engage in our fight of battle!!

-Boss Fight!-

Ostrich King

LP: 6000

MP: 3000

Ostrich Vizier

LP: 3000

MP: 6000

The King comes at you with his adviser, the Ostrich Vizier, in tow. The King is a raw physical attacker and has the ability to buff his attack and debuff yours. The Vizier is much more crafty, being a mage, and can inflict mute and red on the party with his all-hitting “Ostrich Feather Storm” technique. Since he can also heal, it's prudent to remove the Vizier as quickly as you can.

-Boss Fight!-

King: Ah... the irony is overwhelmingly ironic. A king meets his death by regicide...

Dood: You talk funny.

The scene dims slightly as the Ostrich King rushes forward, trying to run Dood through with his talons, but as he does so (and his party shouts out his name), Dood vanishes from sight, then reappears on the other side of the King.

King: I... I...

Dood: No, no, no. Wait for it. Waaaaaaaaaait for iiiiiiiiiiit...

The King is suddenly rendered de-feathered as his cartoonishly naked form sheepishly covers his crotch and he hurries out the door.

Dood: And that's the end of my attack!

Genki: Mon cheri, that was incroyable!

Dood: Sometimes I just do in-crawfish-able things. I'm cool like that.

Kylie: I think, strictly speaking, that shouldn't have been something a normal person could do!

Dood: So, where's the cud?

Kylie That's true... we haven't seen them so far, have we?

Dood walks over to the wall and opens a door, as he's buried in an avalanche of tiny, adorable, yellow fluffy chicks.

Dood: MRF!

Chicks: Bru? Bru! Bru... Bru!

Deliost: I guess that answers that...

The scene will resume at Kiwi Town, now with the parents reunited with their children.

Kiwi: Well, look at you, lil' bru! Ya brought our kuds right home! How can we ever thank you?

Dood: Aww, we just wanted to help out!

Kiwi: Well, you brus will always be welcomed az!

Dood: Heh-heh~!

We can now leave, as a new bridge has appeared south of the now-ransacked Ostrich Fort. This will actually take us to the next town: Flounder, and the next coliseum, as we were promised - Southfort Monster Girl Monster Association! When you approach the coliseum at the far north end, Kylie breaks off from the party to admire a poster.

Kylie: “For all Monster Girl Battle Maniacs – are you a bad enough dude to beat the competition and reach the All-Star Special?” But THAT spells out--

???: Ballzy!!

Kylie: Oh, crap!

The camera pans over as we see Balzac and his Cat-oblepas walking towards the door.

Cat-oblepas: Ballzy! I'm tired! Balzac: We're here. Once we rest up, we'll win for sure and--

Balzac gestures wildly.

Balzac: --In this TWO VS. TWO BATTLE, WE SHALL BE UNBEATABLE!

Cat-oblepas: WHAT?! You have another monster girl?! Balzac: I DO! Meet... Dog-maggeddon!

A girl with floppy, dog ears and a tired expression walks up.

Dog-maggeddon: Woof woof, barf barf barf.

Cat-oblepas: FSSSH!!!

Cat-oblepas frizzes up and leaps atop Balzac, causing a cartoonish cloud of smoke and dust as she beats the stuffing out of him, then flees from the scene, allowing Balzac to collapse where he stood. We then regain control. We can even speak to Dog-maggeddon.

Dog-maggeddon: That Cat-monster got scared and ran off. But not before she pummeled our master. That was ruff.

Dog-maggeddon: Dog gone it, how long is that cat going to hide in that tree?

Dog-maggeddon: Gives you paws for thought, doesn't it?

At this point, we're supposed to go over to the tree and speak to Cat-oblepas.

Cat-oblepas: No way! I'm not coming down!

Dood: But why? Cat-oblepas: I don't know if you noticed or not, but that thing is from the dog tribe! Dood: And? Cat-oblepas: I don't exactly get along with dogs, obviously!

Dood: But why? Cat-oblepas: … Am I going to just be stuck here with you asking me dumb questions the entire time? Deliost: Yeah, probably.

Cat-oblepas: Okay, I'm coming down.

The party returns.

Balzac: Hmph! I suppose I owe you a tiny debt of gratitude, but I will not be going easy on you! We shall meet in the ring again! Dood: I like him. He has spirit.

Kylie: That's one way to put it...

Inside, we get to register at the counter, and we'll get to pick one additional party member plus Kylie. This cues up the chapter boss battle.

-Boss Fight!-

Cat-oblepas

LP: 7500

MP: 5000

Dog-maggeddon

LP: 8500

MP: 3500

These two are a formidable battle indeed. Cat retains all her moves from the previous encounter, but now also gains WafleIrn as a follow-up, and a move that inflicts sleep called “Hypnotic Butt Wiggle”. Dog, meanwhile, uses support abilities in addition to pretty strong normal attack. I prefer using Dood and Kylie for this match and try to run them down quickly, but try what works best for you.

-Boss Fight!-

Amazing Quest 2: Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Going Back to School, or How I learned to not worry and love Diamonds~! And, since my associate didn't really explain this, here is PotatoCanon1171 once more, with this excellent analysis on Kylie's abilities. “Kylie is my favorite character in 2, not only for her flexibility, but also because her origins, which we learn later, show one of the earliest hints to the origins of Chimerae and the Puddings themselves. The important thing to remember is the armor sections, Head, Body and Legs, are the important bits for Kylie. True, her tail is important, but it doesn't affect her skills any, just increases her stats like weapons do for other characters. To acquire skills, you have to experiment with combinations until something comes up. As said earlier, any gene can be placed in any slot, so, experimentation is key here. For instance. Head: Womanticore Body: Munchkin Legs: Jelly nets you the excellent Wabaru Wabaru skill, or “WoblBobble” in English, which hits for regular physical damage, and ensures a counter attack if hit in the next round, and costs nothing. However, should we rearrange these same genes.... Head: Munchkin Body: Jelly Legs: Womanticore We get Blue Sweaty Spurs, a magic attack that deals non-elemented damage, but also has a high chance of inflicting Drunk. Apparently, Kylie can get venom glands filled with booze. More importantly, it's worthy to note that not only the gene combinations are important, but also the order. Once you find them, you can retain skills by meeting their experience costs. Once you're accumulated enough exp in battle with those genes, you'll retain that skill no matter what genes Kylie has equipped. ...” And since my dear friend, PotatoCanon doesn't give any gene combinations for skills, I'll throw you, dear reader, a bone, and give you some to get you started, but I also feel like PotatoCanon is on the money here, and the real fun with Kylie is experimenting to find what you can. Anyways, here they are: Head: Munchkin Body: Womanticore Legs: Ostrich Nets you the SktrScatter Skill, which allows you to run from any non-boss fight. Head: Tyrazaurus Body: Frog Legs: Ostrich Nets you the Jeffbirdr skill, which deals massive physical damage, but also cuts your LP by 33% of what its current value is. Head: Jelly Body:Frog Legs: Jelly Nets you the Spnfl Sugar Skill (Called “Roll with the Changes” in Japanese), which grants you LP regeneration and the one I'm sure you're begging for, you little power-gaming schmucks Head: Tyrazaurus Body: Jelly Legs: Munchkin Nets you the terrifying “Beam Gaze” skill, (Burning Smile in Japanese), which allows you to use the Beamchisaurus' from AQ1's eye beams, dealing massive light-based damage to all enemies. However, the trade-off is this skill sucks MP harder than your gamewatch does batteries, haha! “But where do I get all these genes?” I hear you ask. Return to the Coliseum area, and now that July is dead, there is a merchant to the left which offers the Munchkin, Frog, Ostrich, Jelly and Tyrazaurus genes. The latter will cost you some serious currencies, but it is very much worth it. If you want to get one more, return to the usher, and he'll mention that the fights are starting up. If you join in, you'll be pitted against three random encounters with just Kylie, and if you beat those, then, you'll be allowed to move on to the next boss.... Announcer: And, the opening match in the newly re-opened Coliseum, reigning champ Balzac versus....some girl named Kylie! Dudu: Hey! We won that fight! Balzac: The International Monster Girl Battling Judges deemed the fight invalid due to the sponsor being a demon, so I keep my title! NYAKNYAKNYAK! Enki: Now, I know we're all feeling a little tense now, but, we need to remain calm and collected. But, Kylie.... Kylie: Yes? Enki: I'll give you a candy bar if you win. Kylie: (Eyes glowing) Roger, MA'AM! Dudu: Whoa! Even Enki's fired up! --Boss Fight!-- Cat-Oblepas LP: 1800 MP: 600 Balzac must've been main-lining her energy drinks since you fought her last, as she's much tougher. She still has her Cat Eye skill, she also has the Cat O Nine Tails, which deals 1-9 hits of light physical damage, and her Cat Man Du skill allows her to heal. Ugh, deal with her as you will. If you have even the most basic genes, you ought to find some way of dealing with this Cat-astrophe of a boss. --Boss Fight!-- Cat-Oblepas: Meow you did it! You scratched my hand! Ballzy~! I can't fiiiiIiiiIiight! Balzac: Wha-HUH? We've been training and practicing? How did they beat you! Kylie: A diet of candy bars and masochism. Also, about 5k in monster girl genes. Announcer: You heard it here, folks! Eat whatever you want and spend money to become a champ, just like KYLIEEEEEEE! Kylie: Thank, you, thank you! Balzac: Oh, fuddly, I guess I ought to try to rank up in Southfort Monster Girl Monster Association Kylie: But that spells out-- Announcer: SHOW'S OVER FOLKS, GET OUT! Now, you can go to the OTHER attraction in Corset, the Magic School! The students here are probably why the Coliseum is able to stay afloat, financially speaking, as many of the magical lessons you can listen in on concern magic for seduction, magic to make yourself more attractive or the infamous “Magical Group Tactics” classroom, where a nondescript female professor describes in increasingly uncomfortable lengths tight formations, long combined thrusting assaults, and other various innuendo. That classroom is, thankfully, empty. Remember it, though, as it is important later. Anyways, once you're done horsing around, head to the large office on the third floor. There, you'll find an old man sighing loudly. Indeed, he even has a snuffly MIDI sighing effect with his sprite. Dudu: What's the matter, old guy? Enki: Dood! Erm, Dudu! That's not polite! Um, sir, are you alright? Old Man: Oh, hello, children and homonculus, I'm sad. Kylie: We can see that. Anything we can do about it? Old Man: Well, maybe about my sadness. You probably can't do anything about what's CAUSING me to be sad. Enki: Ah-huh... Old Man: See, I'm the Headmaster of Corset Magical Academy, and therefore responsible for the Academy's fine wealth of magical treasures. However, I got this letter with my tea, and it's ruined my entire day thus far! I'm not sure if I can even muster up the strength to teach my afternoon ,” Use Magic to Increase your Beard Power” class. Dudu: Wow! Magic must be amazing! Enki: Let me look at this letter. “Dear Mr. Bearderson, I am the infamous cat thief known throughout the land, and I will be vising your Academy this evening. I'll be stealing your most precious pieces in your collection, the gemstones known as “Queen Ozma's Tears.” I'm sure they'll go well right next to my Nu Waa Egg and Philosopher's Stone. Cheers, Genki Sake. “ Ooh, that's awful! Dudu: Yeah, if only there were some people who could help you.... Headmaster: That's it! You all clearly have nothing better to d—I mean, are surely expert anti-theft personnel! You could ensure Genki Sake can't get to the jewels! Enki: And how do you propose we do that? Headmaster: I dunno? Traps? I gotta go. Oh, thanks, kids! I feel a lot better now! (The Headmaster walks off, whistling) Enki: DOOD! SERIOUSLY! Dood: I'm sorry, Deliost! Kylie: Wait....Those aren't your names... Deliost: Eh-heh, well.... (Deliost comes clean) Kylie: I see. Well, that's a lot to take in, but I can't very well abandon you now. Plus, you helped me get stronger. So! I'll stay with you and protect you, at least until you go back to your families! Deliost: Thank you, Ms. Kylie! (The two hug, and Kylie gives Deliost a peck on the forehead, as Dood looks on, mystified) Dood: Is this...Love? Kylie: What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. We need to get to work! Dood: Okay! You now can wander the halls of the school, finding items that can be used as traps. You have ten minutes of real-time to find items and set them up after talking to the Headmaster before a new scene interrupts your child-like whimsy of domestic terror. (A black shadow zips through the halls, past the traps, moving like a flash, laughing in a flute-like voice.) You now have to hunt down the intruder. Be wary, though, the traps you put up will now trigger, inconveniencing you. Looks like setting up traps willy-nilly wasn't the smartest plan, eh? While this seems like a fool's errand, you can ascertain what level the intruder is on by the fact that she'll laugh in her flutey voice if you're on the same floor as her. When you manage to catch up to the dark shadow... Dood: Hey! Give it up, thief! (The shadow disappears into nothingness) Deliost: Magic? Dood: We need to check elsewhere! (He turns around, running right into a white-haired woman in a catsuit. Since Dood is so short, he runs right into her cleavage, with comedic “Boing” sound effects.) Cat Burglar: Oh, my~. Such a bold gentleman! I think I might fall in love! Deliost: Dood! Are you alright! Dood: UWHAAAA! COULDN'T BREATHE! Kylie: Excuse me! But that's highly irresponsible! Adults shouldn't fall in love with children! I'm sure there's some lovely man out there for you, Miss. Or woman, if you're into that, I guess. I really don't know you, so.... Cat Burglar: Oooh, and the Chimera nanny thinks she can lecture me when her pups are out and about so late? Kylie: I'm a womanticore. Cat Burglar: Eh? I don't care if you're Queen Toruble herself! I won't let anyone get in the way of my elegant burglary! --Boss Fight!-- Genki Sake LP: 2100 MP: 700 Genki is fast, so the first course of action is to lower her speed. If you have it, WoblBobble works wonders here, as does the GluShoe spell that Deliost can learn at level 12. If you can lower her speed, then she's not much of a threat. While she does have “Mana Staple” skill which cuts your LP whenever you use spells, focus on regular attacks to bypass this situation ally punishing move. --Boss Fight!-- Genki: Urgh! You may have beaten me, but I still have the jewels! Now, I, Genki Sake, will bid you cute kittens and a slightly older kitty, adieu! Dood: Excuse me! Do you mean these? (He presents two large aquamarine gemstones) Genki: (Her face turns white with shock) How did you get those? Dood; Your shirt is zipped down so low, they fell into my mouth when you bumped into me. I guess we won, AND we got the jewels. Genki: URGH! (She teleports away) Return to the Headmaster in his office, who is smoking a bubble pipe. Headmaster: Aw, you return. Tell me, did you catch the thief? Dood: No. We beat her up and got these, though! (Dood presents the gems) Headmaster: Oh, I see! Well, good work, my boy! The Tears of Ozma are a great treasure indeed. However, I wish to give them to you all, for a job well done! Kylie: Is that really okay, Mr. Headmaster? Headmaster: Of course! They have no intrinsic power themselves, and all they seem to do is attract evildoers seeking to steal them. Therefore, my best option is to pawn them off on some su--, I mean, give them to pure-hearted people, like yourselves! Deliost: Thank you, sir. We'll take care of them! Headmaster: Yes, yes, now, run along, I have a seminar I need to attend on the Seventh Space Fold. Kylie: ...Let's go, children.... Dood: Is he going to be alright? Kylie: As long as he doesn't eat his own beard during his trip, I should think so. (The party exits the Magic Academy, as Genki Sake reappears) Genki: I heard everything! Dood: UWAGH! Deliost: So, you're back to steal the Tears of Ozma, are you? Genki: Non! I'm merely here to help! You all are on a journey across the world, are you not? I could help you! I have many skills that will assist you! Kylie: I'm not so sure... Genki: I heard you speaking to the children. A caretaker who is but two years old? How dreadful! Why wouldn't you want the help of someone who is old enough to drink in most countries? Dood: Aw, she's okay, Kylie! She was just grumpy from being too hot, before, right? I mean, why else would you have your shirt unzipped so low? Genki: Oui! You are truly a intelligent boy! Dood: Hehe, she said I was a tent! Deliost: … Genki Sake joins! She is fast, and has a variety of ninja skills and tools to assist you! I found that, with her, Deliost has much more time to focus on healing, as Genki can assist with her elemental prana skills. With her in the party, head east from Corset to the sleepy town of Geed Wulld. There, you can see a large church, along with a rather expansive inn. Apparently this is a pilgrimage site for a new religion. (A rather large man in a priest's alb appears, bowing to the party) Priest: HELLO, MY LITTLE LAMBS AND LICHENS! THE CHURCH OF ST. SETHAN IS OPEN TO ALL! DO YOU WISH TO GAZE UPON THE VISAGE OF ST. SETHAN? Kylie: Um, no, thank you. We do require a place to stay the night, though. Priest: THE INN THERE IS QUITE THE REPUTABLE ESTABLISHMENT! TELL THEM PADRE SLAB SENT YOU. THEY WILL SURELY ASSIST YOU AS THEY CAN! Deliost: Thank you, sir! Slab: TAKE CARE, MY SLABOTRONIC CHILDREN! Sure enough when you mention to the innkeeper that Padre Slab sent you, you get to spend the night for free. The party eats and drinks their fill, well into the night, until you can hear a knock on the door, and Genki's face turns sheet white when she sees who enters... (A pair of beavers in blue suits with black glasses both enter) Beaver 1; 'Ullo, Miss. I had heard through the duckvine that a certain no-goodnik thief-lady was spending the night here, yup. You wouldn't have seen her, would you? Beaver 2: She upset our poor, undeserving superior, you see, and we, being the upright beavers we are, yup, we cannot let this stand, yup. (Genki slowly hides behind Deliost, as the party stares at her) Deliost: What did you do? Genki: I may have sort of been hired by the Beaver Mafia to steal the Tears of Ozma. Now, they probably think I stole them... Kylie: So, you tricked us to help you hide from them? Genki: ….Yes, but I really do like you all! (The beavers slowly amble to the party) Beaver 1: We can see you, Genki, yup. Beaver 2: Yup, yup! You really shouldn't hide behind a young girl when you're a full grown woman! Just hand over the gems, and we can be on our way! Dood: Haha! She can't do that! Because she doesn't have them! I do! Also, even if she did, then Genki could escape by flying away! Genki: (Kneads her brow) That's a stereotype, Dood! I can't fly! Deliost: Dood! That's not nice, please apologize! Beaver 1: That's right, apologize to her, now, boy! Beaver 2: Yup! That way, we can kill her all proper, yup! Kylie: Let me get this, straight, though, Mr. Beaver. Racism is bad in your book, but murder in the name of your Don is-- Beaver 1: A-OKAY, YUP! Kylie: Oh, I see (Sips her tea thoughtfully) Genki: Can we PLEASE just fight them off now? --Boss Fight!-- Beeba LP: 2400 MP:340 Beebo LP: 2400 MP: 230 This fight isn't so hard if you're strategic. Beeba (The tall one with a hat) is fond of brute force attacks, using both his regular attacks, Waffle Iron, and Qualer to stomp his opponents, while Beebo (The shorter one with a pompadour) is fond of status magic and healing, raising Beeba's attributes and healing him as necessary. I recommend taking out Beebo first, as he can drag out the fight with his healing. --Boss Fight!-- Beeba: Ugh! This is no good, yup! We need to get more help, yup! Beebo: Good thing we set fire to that church beforehand, yup! Dood: Eh? (The party rushes outside as the Beavers flee, finding Padre Slab unconscious in front of the church, which is now a giant bonfire) Dood: Mr. Slab! Is he okay? Kylie: (Bends over him, as her tail feels his neck for a pulse) He's still breathing, although, I recommend wee take him away from the fire! Genki: Look! (A figure rises from within the church, eyes glowing far greater than the fire, as a smile spreads across its face.) Deliost: I smell evil magic within that building. Oooh, I can't take it! Dood! Please, do something... Dood: I...I....I... (A new scene where Dood sees this scene, and turns, to see a horned girl in front of him, where she pokes his forehead) Horned Girl: Be the hero I know you are, Dood. Remember, both in body and soul! Deliost: Dood! Dood! Are you alright? Dood: (His body erupts into a brilliant white light, growing into a powerful white pudding form) GO! PUDDING THE GREAT! Figure: So, it happens once more. HAHAHAHA! Come! Show Alpbara, the Herald of GeoTerror, your progress, Pudding Saint! --Boss Fight!-- Alpbara, Herald of GeoTerror LP: 5400 MP: 1000 This fight might seem daunting, considering his masive LP count, but it's really there to show how overwhelmingly powerful Dood's pudding forms are. His default form the Vanilla Angel Food, is the form he's using, and has a passive LP regen, so even if Alpbara's cornucopia of flame and darkness attacks manage to hit, they won't do much to him. Finish Alpbara as you see fit. I'd also be remiss to mention that Dood's theme song, “GO! The Pudding Saint Overflows!” Blares throughout this fight to pump you up. --Boss Fight!- Alpbara: I-Impressive! But know that GeoTerror has you in his palm, boy. Nothing, not even the legacy of your blood and that damnable traitor will save you! Deliost: Dood! You did it! You beat that demon! Alpbara: (Explodes) Dood: I...Ooops... (The entire party is blasted away, to the far-off kiwi woods, on the far continent. What will they find there? Find out...NEXT CHAPTER!)

Amazing Quest 2: Chapter 1

The sequel to Amazing Quest. Honestly, I think this one is better.

-Controls-

Have you played an SNES-era JRPG before? Then you already know this.

-Cast-

Dood Z. Ma--

Wait, you haven't played an SNES-era JRPG before? Sigh. Okay then.

-Controls-

Control Pad – Move your characters or your cursor around, select things, etc.

A Button – Check/Speak/Confirm. You'll be using this a lot for obvious reasons.

B Button – Cancel. In battle, you can set this as a shortcut for Defend.

X Button – Open/Close Menu. In battle, you can use this to shortcut to your items menu. In the strategy guide, it lists this being used to launch things called the Push-of-War and the Dynamite Trigger. This is clearly not true, and has since become memetic in the fandom, where newcomers with questions that should be obvious are met with jeering posts of “Use the Dynamite Trigger!”

Y – Hold to dash on the overworld. In battle, this shortcuts to the Skill/Spell menu.

L/R – Rotates party members in order either back or forth.

Start – Pause the game. Also, in certain circumstances, unpauses it too.

Select – Opens the world map. Runs a 1/8126 chance of showing a pixelated green and black scene of Dood talking to some old man with a beret, who tells you to “SEEK DA TROOF”.

-Cast-

Dood Z. Male

Element: Light

Class: Pudding Warrior

Weapon: Swords. Four to be exact.

Special: Pudding Morph

Dood, as later side materials would go on to reveal, is the descendant of Hiro from AQ1, though with Pudding powers not dependent on the presence of others. Guess eugenics lost the bet on that one. Dood, like all AQ protags, can transform into the powerful Pudding Forms, but his have three-turn limiters where his MP is rapidly consumed away, however, this can be prolonged by feeding him MP restoration items. His stats are bolstered very, very high during this period, and can thus be a very potent character if built right.

Deliost Nu Toruble Element: N/A (Fire after her mid-game Time Wasp shenanigans) Class: Magic Student Weapon Type: Spoons Special Technique: Magical Assault

The quiet, reflective princess of Toruble, who is kept locked away from public viewing, due to her ever-growing chimeran traits (manifesting as kawaii cat eats and tail). She is a powerful offensive magic user, who only grows more potent as time goes on. However, she personifies the phrase “glass cannon” and has very low LP and Con scores for the duration. Also of note is her impressive figure, which I'm sure is an ancillary detail (You perverts.)

Kylie

Element: Earth (Default Form); Changes with Form

Class: Womanticore

Weapons: Variable Tail (Equippable Genes)

Special: Multi-Form

Kylie the womanticore was the result of a “DiY Womanticore Kit” project launched by the recurring miniboss fight, Balzac, who ended up escaping her captivity and mastering a life in the forest. Kylie is a “build your own” character, where she can equip up to three genes at a time, one in the “Head” slot, one in the “Body” slot, and one in the “Leg” slot. Her default form has middling stats and only a few skills it can learn on its own, but once she learns a skill from a particular gene, she will retain it forever, even if the gene is unequipped later on. Fans really like her, for... multiple reasons. Don't look! She's only 2 years old!

Genki Sake

Element: Wind

Class: Cat Thief

Weapons: Hair Clip

Special: Steal

Genki is of the kunoichi tribe (presumably of some relation to Kimyawa of AQ1, but that's just fan speculation), and strives to be the greatest cat thief of all time. In a very literal sense even, as her suit includes cat ears and a cleavage window you could lose mid-sized dogs in. Her weapons are hidden in plain sight, as she uses his hair clips as both weapons and tools of her trade to unlock doors and chests. When she's on point, she'll even automatically disable traps and she'll stop before running over trap floors. She has high attack and speed stats, but somewhat lacking in defense. And, to put the obnoxious fandom argument to rest, Sake is her family name and Genki is her given name. Now, stop fighting about it!

Chester D. Beaver

Element: Water, yup

Class: Beaver, yup

Weapons: Fish Guns, yup

Special: Spray, yup

Chester is quite an odd bucket of fish – literally and metaphorically. Being of the beaver tribe, he has a rather distinct means of punctuating most of his sentences, and as a mob boss over the beaver crime syndicates (which exist, apparently) he commands respect in such social circles. His spray attack allows him to make his normal attack target all enemies, which calculates damage akin to how all-hitting magic spell variants are done, and his bizarre fish gun series of weapons is always a joy to see in motion. He has high, all around stats, but very few skills to his name until almost at the endgame.

Deima the Immortal Element: N/A Class: Furry (Just Kidding) Weapon Type: Staves Special Technique: Magical Genocide

The eccentric and powerful chimera sorceress and eternal Pudding ally, Deima appears once more as a secret recruit you can find at around the midgame. She learns spells much faster and much earlier in the game than anyone else and has, bar none, the highest magical potency of the game and the biggest MP pools of any of the party, in particular her Hissatsu Zeikei Suki attack. Her field ability will also turn any animals you can hunt into burnt meat automatically, so, try not to use it!

Jaydea Varas Schoen Element: Dark Class: Pudding Noble Weapon Type: “Heaven's Blades” Guitars Special Technique: Regal Pudding Form

The Penultimate boss of AQ1 returns thanks to her gift of eternal life bestowed on her by the Goddess of Destruction. She retains her insane Pudding form, the Figgy Pudding Queen, and her love of Rock n' Roll. If you go out of your way near the tail end of the game and get her her fez and a Black Cow, you can have her join you, doubling your effective Pudding-related firepower. She has a stat build not unlike Dood's, but a heavier emphasis on defense, presumably reflective of her immortality. She does not want for offensive options, though, and will hold her own quite handily.

-Chapter 1: I'm Born! ~ Lone Idiot & Cub-

The game starts with a narrator speaking over a black screen.

Narrator: Nearly a century has passed since the legendary Hero-King of the Puddings sealed away the wicked goddess, Hulst.

JeffCom's translation team was not on point here. She was called Halst in the first game, Hulst in the second, and it wasn't until AQ3 where they finally got her actual name, Holstein, in the game correctly.

Narrator: When the red star appeared in the night sky, people called it the “Eye of Calamity” and said it was an omen of dark things yet to come. The people were without the heroes of legend and uncertainty took deep root in the tumultuous times. As a result, the Church of Sethan became home to many, seeking peace of mind and a road to hope, but not all was as it appeared to be.

Then, the image of a deformed skull appears on screen, in the center of what should be the forehead is a large, pulsating eye.

???: ****! Be careful!

Skull: I shall bring forth my revenge. Your efforts to stop me are in vain!

???: Oh yeah?! EAT THIS!

The Skull gets a large slash across its face. Uh, skull. Whatever.

Skull: Insolent Puddings! This is the will of the very stars themselves!

???: This is too dangerous! It's destabilizing!

???: But we're so close, ******! We can stop it now! ???: There's no time. Go on without me!

Skull: Trying to escape?! I won't let--

???: NOT WITHOUT A FALL GUY, BITCH! GLADIATOR!!! Skull OH SHIIIIIIIIII--!!!

The screen whites out then comes back in, late in the evening as some young boy in ragged clothes, with four sheaths around his belt stumbles into view.

Boy: … Huh? Wait... where...? Oh, I don't feel so good...

The boy shakily takes a few paces before falling flat.

Boy: Ungh! My face is in the dirt, isn't it?

The boy lies there for a moment as a well-to-do girl walks on screen, clad in a yellow ribbon and matching dress.

Girl: ! What?!

She hurries over to him and, for a moment, looks like she's going to help him up. Instead, she whips out a stick and begins poking him in the head.

Girl: Hey, are you dead?

Boy: …

After a moment of this, an elderly man in a suit, identified only as Butler, walks over.

Butler: I see. M'lady, allow me, if you would.

The butler, quite violently, kicks the boy.

Butler: WAKE UP, TWERP! THE LADY HAS DEMANDED YOU ACKNOWLEDGE HER!

Boy: OH GOD, THAT WAS MOST CERTAINLY ONCE SOMETHING VITAL!!!

The boy leaps awake and steps away from the two.

Boy: What was that all about?!

Butler: It's rude not to reply to a lady's inquiry! You vagabond!

Boy: Your... mom... is a bag of bonds...

Girl: What's your name?

Boy: I'm Dood.

Girl: I'm Deliost. Want to be friends? Dood: Sure, why not?

Deliost: Fantastic! Daddy always said I need to make some friends! And the last time I tried to make some, it didn't pan out so well.

Dood: Why not? Differences in hobbies?

Deliost: No, I tried to literally make them. Like build them. Out of straw and rocks. My therapist says I'm making great strides, though!

Dood: Great...

Deliost: I don't really get to go out and do much. Even when I do I have to stay close to the castle.

Dood: There's a castle? Deliost: Indeed. I am the princess of the kingdom of Toruble.

Dood: … What's a Toruble?

Butler: Shall I teach the boy a lesson, m'lady? Deliost: Please, do.

The Butler socks Dood in the face, knocking him out cold.

Deliost: BUTLER?! Butler: There. Lesson learned.

Deliost: I meant open a history book and tell him about the Toruble Kingdom! Butler: Oh. … Bully. Now I just feel silly.

The scene fades out, then returns with Dood laying in a bed.

Dood: Boy, I sure hope I get to maintain consciousness for longer than 10 minute intervals today. That'd be swell.

Deliost walks in.

Deliost: Dood, are you okay? Dood: I'm fine. I think.

Deliost: That's a relief!

A tall man in regal splendor walks in.

King: And this...? Deliost: This is Dood. You said I could keep him!

The King goes to Dood and eyes him.

King: You'd better take good care of my little girl, you got that? One step out of line and--

Dood: Sir. I'm pretty sure I'm like 10 years old. Probably. 10-ish.

Suddenly, some guards rush in.

Knight: Y-your highness! Monster attack! King: What you say?!

The scene cuts outside, as we see a knight get knocked down by some munchkins.

Knight: No!! Knight 2! He was the finest mind of his generation!!

Dood suddenly rushes outside.

Deliost: Dood, what are you--?!

Dood: It's fightin' time!!

Dood leaps into battle with the munchkins. This works as your tutorial, with the game briefly explaining Attack, Defend, Skill, Item, and Flee options that any RPG veteran should be very familiar with. If you try to flee from this battle, the munchkins hold up a pistol to a teddy bear's head and Dood insists it would be unjust to leave it as-is. But as Munchkins die to one attack each from Dood and his high offense build, it'll only take a moment. If you ignore the tutorials for Defend, Skill, and Item, and keep attacking, the game will let you do so, but scold you for not paying attention.

Dood: Hyaaa!!

Munchkins: Run away! Run away!!!

Deliost: Whoa, Dood... that was so brave! How did you do that?! Dood: Oh, it's easy.

Dood takes out one of his swords and points.

Dood: The pointy end is the business end.

Deliost: That's... not what I... okay. Sure. Alright.

Knight: That was incredible swordsmanship! Who taught you? Dood: … Um...?

Knight: You... do have a teacher, right?

You then get a prompt...

My parents!

My Master!

The Sun!

What's a teacher?

If you select My parents!

Dood: My parents!

Knight: Who are you parents? Dood: …

Tears well up in Dood's eyes.

Dood: Uwaaaaaaaah! I'm an orphan?!

Deliost: You didn't know that until just now?!

If you select My master!

Dood: My master! Knight: Who was your master?

Dood: … My Master. Obvs.

Knight: Yes, but what was his name? Dood: Mr. Ster.

Knight: You don't remember his name, do you? Dood: No.

If you select the sun!

Dood: THE SUN!!!

Deliost: What?

Dood: I stare into the sun and it fills me with power! Deliost: Dood, you really shouldn't do that...

If you select What’s a teacher?

Dood: … What's a teacher?

Deliost: Something you appear to be in dire need of...

Knight: … Well, your skills are undeniable! Maybe you should take up some work at the guild!

Dood: Work sounds good. Then I could buy MORE SWORDS!

Deliost: Um! Um! Yes, Dood, let us go and do good by the people!

Deliost grabs Dood's hand and pulls him off-screen as the knights idle. The camera soon catches up to them on a small dirt road.

Dood: Where are we going so fast?

Deliost: Anywhere! Now's our chance to get out and get away from the castle for a bit! C'mon!

Dood: Um. Okay!

You're then whisked away to FirstTown, where you're free to go around and talk to NPCs at your leisure. Here we can find a basic item and weapon shop, alongside a place with a sword and shield icon, wherein lies the guild and the plot. Inside is a lady in a dirndl is stationed at the counter.

Woman: Welcome, I am the guild stewardess. I'll post side miss-- I mean-- important jobs that you can accept here at the counter. In fact, there's a guild location in every city of the world, and due to our lightning-quick messaging services, we can relay information and jobs from all over the world to any location in a very convenient fashion!

Deliost: Ooo. What kind of work can we do here?

Dood: I wanna kill a dragon.

Deliost: Dood... do you know what a dragon... is? Dood: No, but I know I wanna fight one! Stewardess: No dragon slaying today, but I do have this. This might be a good test of your abilities.

Dood receives quest: find lost dog.

Dood: A lost dog?! That's... the saddest thing... I ever h-heeeeeeeeard!!!

Dood bawls.

Deliost: I had no idea you were so in-tune with your emotions, Dood! You're kind of like a puppy yourself...

Dood: I am? Deliost: Yeah. Like one of those small ones that never really gets terribly smart, and sometimes pees the floor out of excitement, but they mean well.

Dood: Aww, that's nice of you to say!

Now we can access the nearby inn, or leave town and see the world map. We're sort of stuck on a linear path for the time being, but we ultimately need to head to the north, near the mountains, but I wouldn't recommend going there until you're level 3 or 4, just to be safe.

Dood: I think it went this way!

Deliost: You can determine where the dog went... how?

Dood: Well, it's easy. To find a dog, you gotta think like a dog.

Deliost: You can do that? Dood: Watch me.

Dood gets down on all fours.

Dood: Woof! Woof! Barf, barf, barf!

Deliost: …

Deliost puts a hand to her mouth, trying not to laugh. You're then free to explore the mountain road. As you do, you'll see a deer munching grass.

Deliost: Dood, wait a sec.

Dood: What?

Deliost: Look there.

Dood: … Is that a dragon? Deliost: … Huh? No! Dood, it's a deer.

Dood: I'm-a kill it anyway.

Deliost: What?!

You then gain control of Dood and you're prompted to tap “Y” when near the deer, which you can sneak up on if you time it right. Dood will slash with his sword, turning the deer into large, cartoon meat on a bone. Deliost does her best impression of The Scream as Dood picks up and presents the meat.

Dood: I killed a dragon! Deliost: Uuuugh... I suppose hunting is a way to get supplies when our coffers are low... but... oh, Dood...

Now, when a random encounter concludes, there's a chance, depending on what map you're on, that a hunting event can occur, where you can kill some wildlife to get items. Dood hits with his sword, and will usually yield a meat, an item that restores health usually, and Deliost throws a small spark of electricity which is good for taking down small birds which Dood can't hit. As you go through the cave here, there's a healing spring.

Deliost: This is... it is. If we drink this water, it'll refresh us, body and mind. It's just like a good night's rest, Dood. … Dood?

Deliost looks over. Dood is shirtless.

Dood: So, we bathe in it, right? Deliost: KYAAAAAA!!! PERVERT!!!

Deliost gets a violent nosebleed, then smacks Dood in the face with her spoon. This sends Dood careening back into the wall.

Dood: BARF!

Dood and Deliost learn their first dual skill: Dood Toss, where Deliost swats Dood in the back, hurling him into the enemy for large damage. From here, you should grind at least a little, then proceed to the end of the cave. As you exit the cave, be sure you save, as not far from the entrance is the boss. Dood and Deliost walk a bit before the creature crosses their path. It's a duck with horns and large, pronounced feet.

Dood: Is that...?

Deliost: It is! It's a--

Dood: DRAGON!

Deliost: Dood! No! It's a Jackoduck!!

-Boss Fight!-

Jackoduck

LP: 500

MP: 100

The Jackoduck is strong, only because it's HP is very high compared to what you're likely used to at this point. However, it doesn't have many abilities of note, mostly involving its Duckaphony attack, which will hit you both for small damage. If you heal as needed, there shouldn't be any issue here, especially as at level 6 Deliost gets the first lightning spell, which deals good damage against it.

-Boss Fight!-

Dood: Whew. That wasn't so ba--

The Jackoduck gets up and bites Dood's arm

Dood: Oooooh nooooo! Deliost! Shoot it! Shoot it!!! Deliost: But it's still connected to you! Electricity will--

Dood: I don't care! Just shoot it! Deliost: Well, okay.

Deliost raises her hand as a massive storm of lightning drops down on Dood and the Jackoduck.

Dood: BARF!!!

The Jackoduck explodes and Dood drops.

Dood: I killed a dragon.

Deliost: Sigh...

You're then free to leave the mountain and you'll exit on the other side, whereupon you'll find... a frog.

Frog: Ribbit.

Dood: Is it--

Deliost: It's not a dragon, Dood!!!

Dood: No, obviously, it isn't.

Deliost: Oh, thank goodness...

Dood: It's the dog we've been looking for! Deliost: Say WHAT?!

Dood got... dog? Now we can head back to FirstTown. Once there, go to the guild.

Dood: We saved the dog! See? Frog: Ribbit.

Deliost: I'm sorry, he's slow on the uptake.

Stewardess: Ehn. Seems legit. Here's 500 currencies.

Dood: Yay!

Deliost's jaw falls and hangs open.

Dood: What next? Stewardess: Nothing right now, I'm afraid. But if you're curious, there's a new monster battle ring in the west where they've got a really neat lineup for the Monster Girl Festa.

Deliost: The... what?

Dood: Sounds kosher. Let's go!

You then can travel westward and enter into Corset, the mini-town that surrounds the coliseum area. Inside, you can't actually access the coliseum, due to a huge herd of people clamoring to battle with the monster girl champ, Balzac. Everyone in this town will tell you that to be anybody in this town, you have to win big at the coliseum, and that if you don't have one, a few stray monster girls run wild in the forest. You can tell this was a 90's RPG, as this, alongside a noteworthy minigame in AQ1 was wildly lambasted by Amelia Sardinian as the reasons why JeffCom+DTK and all its affiliates should, and I quote, “die horribly”. Anyway, we can go out into the forest and enter a little maze area where the enemies just love to spam poison as an ailment. The Mushroom Men, Dire Sparrows, and Vorpal Earthworms are indeed annoying, but if you brought lots of antidotes with you, it shouldn't be awful. At the end of it, you'll reach a clearing, where something considerably larger than you is leaping around the canopy, circling you.

Deliost: I don't think we're alone, Dood...

Dood: How can we be alone when there's two of us?

Deliost: I mean there's someone else here with us, Dood!

Dood: I didn't see anything.

The shadow blazes overhead again.

Deliost: There! Didn't you see that? Dood: Sorry, I can't see anything. I'm busy checking my eyelids for cracks.

Deliost grabs Dood's head and yanks it so he's looking up, just in time for the shadow to ninja past them again.

Dood: Whoa! There's someone here! Deliost: No, really?!

The shadow leaps down before them, revealing a curvaceous monster girl with large claws, long hair, and a long, scorpion-like tail.

Dood: It's...! It's...!

Deliost: Dood! Do not say “Dragon”!

Dood: … I'm still gonna think it.

The woman roars.

-Boss Fight!-

Womanticore

LP: 800

MP: 300

This is your wake-up boss fight. She follows up almost all her attacks with “Waffle Iron”, where she strikes with her claws after her normal attack, or she'll use “Mode Change” where she'll change color and use an elemental strike. She also has a huge pool of HP by comparison to anything we'd encountered. When her health dips below 25%, she'll give up using Waffle Iron, and grab one of your two characters with her tail, immobilizing them until the other hits her a few times, forcing her to drop them. This can be super frustrating, so heal early, heal often.

-Boss Fight!-

Monster Woman: Graaaaa--!!!

She falls.

Dood: I KILLED A D-- I mean... nothing.

Deliost rolls her eyes. The Monster Woman suddenly begins flailing, pounding her fists, feet, and tail up and down on the ground.

Monster Woman: Nooooo! It's not faaaair! I'm so hungry! All I want is a candy bar! But all there are to eat out here are bunnies and squirrels and they're TOO CUTE TO EAT! And the berries, good lord, the berries empty me out!!! A-bloo-bloo-blooooo!!!

She begins crying, with exaggerated anime water fountain tears and everything.

Dood: I can safely say I was not expecting that.

Deliost: Oh dear... maybe we should apologize to her?

Approach and speak to her, but all she does is continue her tantrum, reiterating how much she wants a  candy bar. For now, we have to leave and return to FirstTown's item shop, which just got a fresh batch of Candy Bar items in, which we can buy on the cheap. For zenny vs. healing, candy bars are actually more economical than mundane potions, amusingly enough! Anyways, take at least one and go back to the Womanticore.

Monster Woman: W-w-what do you want? Sniffle. Hic.

Dood: Here!

Dood gave her the candy bar!

Monster Woman: … Ah! A candy bar?!

She hurriedly unwraps it, break it in half, and feeds half to her tail and eats half with her mouth.

Dood: … Pssst! Deliost! She just ate that with her butt! … Does she poop out her mouth?!

Deliost: You're not whispering, you know. She can hear you just fine.

Monster Woman: I'm Kylie. Who are you? And why are two little kids wandering around the forest?

Dood: Oh, this is Del-- Deliost: I'M ENKI AND THIS IS DOO... uhh... DUDU!

Dood: … Huh?

Deliost: (Dood! I'm a runaway princess! We can't just go around telling everyone who we are! They'll take us back to the castle if we do that!) Dood: (Yeah, but, why do I have to be Dudu?) Deliost: (You started talking about pooping out your mouth, so it just popped into my head!)

Until it says otherwise, Dood is listed as Dudu and Deliost is listed as Enki, even on the menu screen.

Kylie: How... old are you two? Dudu: I'm... 10-ish? Yeah, let's go with that.

Enki: I'm 11.

Kylie: Hm. Well, I clearly have to be the adult here, seeing as I'm 2!

Dudu: That makes sense! Enki: It... doesn't really. But we can just tell people she's 20 and they'd believe it...

Kylie: I'll go with you! That way we'll be safe!

Kylie joins! She is a customizable character, who starts with three copies of the “Womanticore” gene. As you get more, you can customize her, which changes her Head (her hair and horns), her Body (mostly her arms and color palette), and her Legs (which alters her legs and tail). This has made her very popular, as some late game combinations can be game-breaking, due to any gene being able to slot into any of the three options. Her starting skill is Roar, which ups one character's offense for a few turns. At this point, we can return to Corset and the crowd huddled around the door to the coliseum has dispersed. Inside, we can now register for the battle!

Receptionist: I see. Entering the Monster Girl battle with this Womanticore, eh? Well, if you want to do so, you'll need to pass our preliminary match against our director of monster resources!

Dudu: Kay.

Kylie: Me?! But aren't there younger, prettier monster girls you'd want to enter?!

Enki: Actually, I'd be legitimately surprised if there were any monsters here younger than you...

Now we can head over to a small dungeon-like room, to find a horrifyingly muscular man, whose head appears to be too small for his frame.

Dir. Of MR: OH YEEEEEEEEEEAH! Dudu: … I think I peed myself a little in reflective terror.

Enki: Me too.

-Boss Fight!-

Director of Monster Resources

LP: 500

MP: 0

This guy is a joke boss, if his LP didn't tip you off. He just shouts “AGE?! SEX?! LOCATION?!” at you and punches, which barely does any damage. There's literally no reason you should lose here if you're trying.

-Boss Fight!-

Dir. Of MR: OH YEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!

Dudu: I guess we passed?

Kylie: Yay!

At this point, you're invited to speak to the manager, July.

July: Ah, the new rising stars here to challenge Balzac, I presume? Dudu: I don't know why but the answer is “Yes”!

July: Lucky you, your opponent is a girl, so it'll be easy! Kylie: But... I'm a girl too... what's that have to do with anything?

July: Well, the truth is... the outcome is already set.

Enki: What? The fight is a farce?!

Dudu: And it's fake too?!

July: The cruel up-n-comer, who wants to win at any cost... slowly tortures her enemy... and kills her for the sick entertainment of this crowd! … I expect very high ratings.

Kylie's face goes pale, as her tail turns downward and actually vomits.

July: There is no way you will lose, Dudu. During the battle's climax, we will fire poisoned darts at the enemy monster. She will die and you will win. The ratings will explode through the roof as the old champ is unseated, and we will become very, very rich...

Dudu: We... uh... need to... go... place... now.

July: Be sure to get your advanced payment from your locker room!

Go there, and you'll get 1000 zenny. Immediately head out and deposit it in the bank, then return and try to go into Balzac's prep room.

Dudu: Balzac! Balzac!!

Enki: Dudu, what are you doing? Dudu: We have to warn him! We have to protect his monster girl!

Balzac: I can't sign autographs right now! I'm, uh, preparing my girl for battle! Y-yeah, that's the ticket.

Kylie: It's no good. We'll have to do something else.

Kylie paces back and forth as her tail scratches her head.

Kylie: Ah! I got it!

Kylie's tail snaps like fingers as a light bulb lights up over her head.

Kylie: Dudu, let me borrow your coin purse!

Dudu: It's a coin pouch.

Kylie: Now's not the time to argue over your fragile masculinity. Hand it over!

Dudu gave Kylie all his money.

Kylie: I'm gonna get two antidotes. When I fight his monster, we'll both take one and then we'll be safe! Dudu: Great idea!

Enki: Be honest. You're taking all his money so you can stock up on candy bars, aren't you?

Kylie's tail nods.

Kylie: No! … Yes.

She hurriedly walks off screen.

Enki: Aren't you upset?! Dudu: Not if she gives me one!

Enki: Ugh...

You then take over as Kylie solo. At this point, you now have two antidotes in your key items, so you can get your money back and do any prep you need to before the fight. When you're ready, go inside and go to to the arena floor. There, a huge crowd excitedly cheers. Opposite you is a strange, cyclopean cat girl creature.

Kylie: Hi! I'm Kylie!

Monster Girl: Hmph! You're goin' down!

Balzac: Yeah! What she said!

-Boss Fight!-

Cat-oblepas

LP: 600

MP: 800

While Cat-oblepas (ugh, the puns) lacks the raw hitting power of Kylie, she has the ability to turn her to stone for one round with her “Cat's Eye” technique. In itself, this does no damage, but it gives her an opening to hit you before you can act again. If you leveled her a bit, Kylie should have the “Lick Wounds” skill which restores HP to one target, and is generally more efficient than the healing items you'll have access to at this point. This is a war of attrition and you'll be going back and forth and sometimes the random off-chance that is Critical Hitting or Counter Attacking can shift the tide, resulting in some infuriating lucksacking scenarios. Just be patient and you'll win!

-Boss Fight!-

Dudu: Kylie! Knock her out! Quickly! Enki: What he means is SHOVE HER OUT OF HARM'S WAY! The way he's saying makes it sound useless and vague, as she's already unconscious!

At this point, you have a few moments to act and push the KO'd Cat-oblepas out of harm's way. If you do, Kylie immediately chugs an antidote (one for her tail, one for her face) and presents a hearty thumbs-up to the player. If you don't, she force-feeds an antidote to Cat-oblepas and drinks one, but faints and you'll have to take on the next boss without her. Either way, this event gives Kylie her first customizable gene – Poison! The next scene is just the party walking to July's office.

July: What's the matter? You didn't like my script, Dudu? Dudu: MY NAME IS NOT DUDU. I AM DOOD.

Enki: Because that's so much different...

July: Come at me, bro, I'm fekken ripped!!

July bursts into smoke as the boss fight cues. An amusing point, Dood's name in Japanese is read as “Doo-dii”, so what he's actually screaming is “I AM NOT DOO-DOO, I'M DOO-DII,” because apparently JeffCom has 13 year olds as writers.

-Boss Fight!-

July

LP: 1200

MP: 500

If there was really a battle that you run the risk of losing in chapter 1, it's this one. He hits like a truck, can use Waffle Iron, can hit the entire party with ice damage, and also, you can accidentally end up fighting him and be a party member-down! So definitely come here with Kylie. Deliost should also have her fire spells at this point, which you'll want to use liberally here, as they'll do maximum damage against this guy. Dood should stick to attacking, and have Kylie use whatever buffs she has at the ready when you arrive. If she's a sufficiently high level, she should have “Proud Cry” which ups defense, which Deliost should definitely have cast on her. This guy doesn't have any weird tricks or gimmicks. It's just a heavy clash of titans here. Do your best.

-Boss Fight!-

July: N-no way! My script... run through the shredder?! Impossible...! B-but don't think for a second that just knocking me down will stop our God's wrath!

Kylie: You try to murder and deceive, yet speak of God?! What deity does one as sick as you worship?!

July: BARF!

July explodes.

Kylie: … I wasn't expecting that.

Dood: Wow. July was a real monster over his profits! Deliost: That joke sucked!!

And you then leave, concluding Chapter 1!

Slidelands Extra 21

What’s this? More Photon Breaker Zechs after like 6 months? Yes. I wasn’t lying when I said I had this in the back of my mind even with this laying low. I want to ensure I wrote the best stories for you all. In any case, here is another Class Profile, for the elusively rare Grail Fisher Tank class.

Grail Fisher

Type: Melee

Role: Tank/Support

Available Weapons: Great-swords, Scythes

Available Armors: Scale, Plate, Ancient

The Holy Grail, that mystical relic desired and researched perhaps more than any other. This is the core of the Grail Fisher, a cursed knight who uses their own blood to hurt enemies and heal allies. Unlike other Tanks, who seek to accumulate Aggro, the role of a Grail Fisher is to maintain high levels of Blood. This abstraction is a resource gained either by enemies harming the Grail Fisher or the Grail Fisher's use of their skills. Each Blood point grants the Grail Fisher passive aggro from enemies and in turn allows him access to a variety of different skills. Utilizing the Grail the class is named from, the Fisher can heal the party and remove status ailments. However, this also in turn lowers their Blood pool. To ameliorate this, the Grail Fisher then uses their Roseblade skills, which grant Blood points, and also increase aggro to the Grail Fisher. It is this delicate balance of managing Blood that the Grail Fisher is known for, and the demands of being mindful of the enemies, your allies, and you blood that gave the Grail Fisher a reputation as a demanding if not useless class. This is unwarranted, as the Grail Fisher possesses a great deal of synergy with several subclasses offsetting the extreme need to maintain one's Blood. However, this stigma persists, making Grail Fisher a rarity across Slidelands. Lastly of note, this is one of the few combat classes that gains one's benefits to gathering, as much like the name implies, Fishing Skill is one of the classes' inherent tool skills.

Known Grail Fisher Skills:

Blood for Blood

Holy Elixir

Blessed Liqueur

Break Bread Together

Thorn Blade

Wicked Lash Slice

Beautiful Blade Dance

Plucking the Petals

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 9

The final chapter. Thank you for reading!

Chapter 9: Together, as One, We Will...!

When you're ready, warp back to Toneland. Any island will do, really, but Toneland is large enough that  it should serve your purposes. The point now is to wait for Zytroph to go near the island and leg it until the sprites touch. Doing so will prompt a new scene:

Hiro: This is it, guys!

(Zytroph looms ahead of the party as a flock of glass cranes with chimes on their wings fly around him. In the GBA version, this entire scene is rather beautifully animated with sprites, while in the SNES, it's all done with a single still image. )

Zytroph: The time is nigh, mortals. Abase yourself before the Mother of Strife.

Hiro: NOT WITHOUT A FALL GUY!

--Boss Fight!--

Zytroph the Dragonfish x1

LP: 88000

MP:9000

Zytroph is tough, but with the Final Fusion Swirl, Noble Neopolitan, he's a cakewalk. His high defense and magic defense are naught to the gigantic attack buff and  removal of defense that Noble Neopolitan allows. If you don't use it, then you'll find that Zytroph has access to all tier-3 spells and his own skills, like Gran Aero Spiral, where the cranes rush the party for heavy air and earth damage, and Dragon Palace Whale Lullaby, which will inflict sleep, drunk, or red randomly.

--Boss Fight!--

Zytroph: Very well, you are strong enough to cross onto my back. Perhaps you will overtake the other who has crossed over before...

Hiro: Jaydea...

Zytorph: I know not their name. All mortals look alike to mine eyes.

Loyroll: How very unfabulous.

You find yourself in front of the giant ivory tower on Zytroph's back. The entire floor rumbles, and the chimes stop, which, with the lack of music makes the entire area deathly quiet. Something terrible is on the way. That, combined with the unearthly enemies, like the Monstrkin, the Mermyth, the Scalawag, and the Eudaemonaia, which is notable for being able to inflict Deep Haze, a status unique to it that forces a character to not act for five turns, even if the fight ends before that is up. Thus, speed is the name of the game here. Progress up the tower, which is a simple spiral, before you get to a floor with a large courtyard and a closed door. Inspect it and you'll be told it's a dead end. Do this ten times to proceed.

(The dead end shifts into the now-familiar form of Kord)

Kord: Geez, you guys! I thought it was someone important! Lady Jaydea told me to keep this place off-limits! I thought I had put a sign up!

(He turns around, where a “Do Not Disturb” sign is hanging off his back)

Ozma: (Giggles)

Kimyawa: Rock-san., your sign--

Kord: Hrm? My sign? It's Aquarius. Why do you-- Oh, here it is. It's on my back. Whoops. Anyways, now that we have THAT out of the way...You'll all have to die.

Hiro: Really?

Kord: Well, no, but I prefer being paid to not, y'know?

--Boss Fight!--

Heavenly King Kord x1

LP: 90000

MP: 12000

Kord is relentless. His defense and magic defense are higher than Zytroph, and he can actually go toe to toe with Noble Neapolitan as his hits can pierce the defense buff that the fusion grants you. In addition, his “Rocky Road Ripper,” and “Kordian Knot” skills will shred your LP over time with earth-based damage and lower your action speed, so don't feel bad if he actually defeats you. Lay on the hate and you ought to come out on top!

--Boss Fight!--

Kord: U-urgh, dammit! Even with all my amicable character moments, even the Stone Lord, must fall. I guess it r-really is time for me to gather moss....

(Kord falls over dead, where Deima kicks him off the tower, presumably into the ocean below)

Deima: And now, not only does he get a burial at sea, he's out of the way, too!

Hiro: ….

Deima: What? Le'ts go!

Continue up the stairs, where you see Jaydea leaning over a large mosaic on the floor of a blonde woman with wings, with the five talismans inset into the mural.

Jaydea: (Turns to the party) It is done. I have unlocked the Goddess, but...You know what she asked me? Are you sure? Do you want me to grant you this wish? Of course I answered yes, but seeing her, and now you're here. All I've done. All Zoddon aspired to, and now, all my friends and allies. They're all gone... Light Pudding, no, Hiro...You do not have the will to stand up to that evil, and you. Cannot. Kill. Me. What will you do?

Emilia: Bullshit, Jaydea! I'll rip you apart myself!

Jaydea: No, you cannot.

--Boss Fight!--

Dark Pudding Queen Jaydea x1

LP: 65000

MP: 9500

Do not let her low LP count fool you. Jaydea CAN and WILL stand up to Noble Neapolitan. She'll engage her Figgy Pudding form, and then begin what can only be considered a barrage of torment, as she abuses Wenceslas Breath, Sun Downer, and Soul Survivor, to lower your action speed, inflict heavy light-based damage, then scythe away your MP so you options become increasingly limited and thereby force you to spend turns refilling your MP with items. However, thee is an easy way to beat her and a hard one. The hard one is actually trying to inflict enough damage to beat her normally. The other is to last twenty turns. Either way, you'll win.

--Boss Fight!--

Jaydea: (Clutches her shoulder, which is badly burned and bleeding, before smiling coolly, and her wound vanishes in an instant.)

:Deima: You didn't...

Jaydea: “Do you want this? You will watch all your friends and loved ones grow old and die, and then the world, until all the stars go out, and you will float endlessly in an ocean of blackness.” That is what Halst asked me. Yes, I am now invincible, unkillable by anything.

Emilia: You're wrong, Jaydea. You're not invincible.

Jaydea: Oh? I fail to see what you're getting at.

(Emilia motions for Jaydea to walk closer to her, where Emilia claps her on the shoulder)

Emilia: We go back a long way, Jay, so this is gonna hurt me more than it does you.

Jaydea: I don't think so, but--

(Jaydea cannot finish this, as she's slammed on the ground, and kicked off the tower by Emilia, complete with MIDI falling scream)

Emilia: YOU MESSED WITH MY LITTLE BROTHER, YOU BITCH! That was where you failed!

Hiro: (Visibly tears up) Emilia....

Loyroll: While this is excellent work in reversing years of abuse, we really do need to hurry up and save the world.

Hiro: R-right!

Go through the door. Where you'll find another garishly decorated room with mosaics all across the walls and floors. However, the most striking feature is the little girl in the center of the room.

Hiro: She seems strangely familiar...

Little Girl: Hello, Mister! Do you want anything? Money? Fame? Power? Women? A set of balls?

Hiro: EXCUSE ME?

Little Girl: GYAHAHA! A little divine humor. Seriously, though, Let me heal you, first!

(The party is fully healed!)

Little Girl: Now, what can I, the Goddess of Strife, Halst, do for you?

Hiro: Can you please go back to sleep? The world is really nice and y doesn't deserve to be destroyed!

Halst: Mmmmmm, you raise a good point. Okay! I will go back to sleep!

Hiro: R-really?

Halst: I need to get some exercise in first, though. No sense in getting up before doing some stretches~!

Deima: Be on your guard, Hiro!

Hiro: !!!

--Boss Fight!--

Tiny Goddess Halst x1

LP: 100000

MP: 33000

This form of Halst is unnerving since she'll giggle in an autotuned MIDI voice and do little else for five turns before she uses the “Goddess Halst cried an evil spell!” and the party will be dealt half health in dmage instantly. This is when you realize this form isn't meant to kill you, but troll you to waste healing items. She'll continue doing this, but never do more than scythe away your health with percentage attacks.

--Boss Fight!--

Deima: Hiro! She's just pretending! Inside that cutesy exterior is the heart of an utter monster!

Halst: Ohohohoho, so you do remember. Chimera Witch Deima, shall we begin our deadly dance once more?

Deima: Nuh-uh! I'm taken already! (Grabs Hiro, as Ozma and Kimyawa both tense violently)

Halst:...Of course. Very well...

(She bulges, before erupting like an insect molting out of her little girl form, standing as a stunning adult version of her earlier form. She kicks off the fleshy bag as a pair of winged munchkin cherubs fly by and drop a halo over her head)

Halst: Now, Puddings! Welcome to TODT!

--FINAL BOSS BATTLE!--

Halst, Goddess of Destruction x1

LP: 120000

MP: 45000

She'll remain  in her initial form, while Deima will yell at you to “Use Noble Neapolitan to stop her Spinning Narrative!” When you do so, Halst will jerk back in terror, and her form will shift to that of a gigantic winged-snake form of herself. She still has her human top half, though, so, go topless final bosses, I guess? It doesn't affect her life any, but it does make her much more aggressive, allowing her to use Divine Light of Terror (Heavy Light-elemented LP-based damage, translated as Shining Slayer Cross of Evil later), Sacred Verdict (A large chance of inflicting all status ailments), and all tier-3 spells to hurt you in all sorts of ways. My best advice is to abuse Noble Neapolitan's best skill, Shining Zephyr of Friendship, or as it is translated in the localized version, Shining Rainbow Connection. If you're deliberately going for the bad end, hit her as hard as you can without Noble Neapolitan... That's all I can say.

--FINAL BOSS BATTLE!--

Halst: URGH! I'm...I'm beaten? Light Pudding, I will return to sleep. Be warned, though. As long as Evil persists, I cannot die...(She melts away)

Hiro: We-we did it!

Emilia: I knew you could do it!

Hiro: Really?

Emilia: S-sure! (She looks away and coughs for a moment) Anyways, we got a lot to do, let's go home!

(You're then treated to the ending credits as the party slowly walks back through the various towns that still remain intact, as the party members all wave goodbye, dispersing one at a time, until Emilia, Hiro and Ozma remain. They stop at Toruble Castle, and Emilia turns to the other two.)

Emilia: Well, I need to do some, uh, stuff, at, uh, place. I'll catch you two kids later!

Hiro: Huh?

(Hiro and Ozma stare at one another)

Ozma: Wanna see my sock puppet collection?

Hiro: A'iight.

The good ending has a mural of the heroes, except Moore (Fuck that guy), which ends in Hiro and Ozma raising a sword together to Halst in her angel-snake form, while we get one last scene..

(Hand on a beach, clenches)

Jaydea: I...I told you...I cannot die, Light Pudding. I-I'll be back in the sequel! (Cough, cough)

(Bad End)

Halst: (Clutching her face) I...I was beaten by the Puddings, but they ignored Big Sister's warnings, and now....

(She turns to a a pair of babies on the nearby floor. One of which is a dark blue boy with red streaks down his face, and the other is a blonde girl akin to Halst)

Halst: Auntie Deima will meet YOU two~! Mweeheeeheehee~!

Amazing Quest 1: Pudding Warrior....END

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 8

Here it is, the penultimate chapter. Only a little bit more!

Chapter 8: Collect-a-thon! Alright, team, ready to get all the items necessary for the best ending? Of course you are! The first and most important thing in this chapter is that we can get Hiro's ultimate weapon now. We actually need to go back to the small, otherwise-useless lake near Toruble Castle and you need to go noodling a few times and then sit and wait 5 real-world minutes. Go ahead and grab yourself a drink or a sammich or something. Hiro: Doo-doo-dee-doo~ Hm? Suddenly, the water in the lake glows and a lovely, buxom lady rises slowly from the light. Hiro: What the heck--?! Woman: Fear not, Hiro of the Pudding Tribe, I am Eroustei, goddess of light and mercy. Eroustei then presents two swords, one a glimmering gold color, and one with an ornate hilt and silvery blade. Eroustei: Did you drop this Sword of Power, or this Gold Blade? Hiro: But I didn't drop a sword. I have mine right here. Eroustei: … Let's try this again. Did you drop a sword that will grant you great might, or this sword that will bring you great fortune? Hiro: Oh, I don't need either of those. I have my friends. So long as I have them, then I don't need to rely on artifacts and legends to find my way. Eroustei: YOU BITCH!!! Eroustei very angrily winds up and hurls both swords at Hiro, who bash him with their hilts. Hiro: GYAAAAH! Hiro is knocked flat. Eroustei: YOU THINK IT'S EASY DOING THIS LADY IN THE LAKE THING, YOU INGRATE?! Hiro: Owww... Eroustei: YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, YA JERK! Eroustei drops back into the water and out of sight. Hiro gets: PdngSword and GoldSword! Hiro: Wh-what just happened...? Hiro's best sword is, obviously, the PdngSword which is a huge step up from any other weapon in the game for him. The GoldSword is, in itself, useless (Loyroll can equip it, but it's not terribly strong), but leads to our next quest! We have to find the little encampment to the south of ToneLand's island, which can be a little tricky to get to. But once we're there, we'll meet an old man. Old Man: Hey there! I'm the weapons maniac! I dedicate my life to things that cut others short! Haha! A little dark humor there! Hiro: That's pretty dark alrig-- Old Man: Hey, is that a sword made of gold?! M-may I please see it? Hiro: Sure. Not doing us any good anyway. The Old Man takes it, admiring it lovingly. Old Man: The sheen. The weight. The beauty... Loyroll: The inability to retain an edge? Old Man: I... I must have this! W-what if I traded you for something of equal value?! Hiro: Um. I guess... that's fine? The Old Man runs into his tent and returns, giving the party the TinFlStar, the strongest weapon for Kimaywa! Kimyawa: Yatta! Old Man: This weapon is deceptively powerful. Treasure it always! Hiro: Um. Well, one man's trash, I suppose... At this point, wander around and get into a fight with Kimyawa and Loyroll in the fray. Have Loyroll use the Mirror of Ki and you'll be treated to an amusing scene where Kimyawa's new weapon gets caught in the fire and all the enemies get incinerated. Kimyawa: Nii-chan! Baka! You nearly cooked us all! Loyroll: Even after all this time, this legendary artifact of our ancestors contains fabulous secret powers! Perhaps we could harness this more constructively? You've unlocked Kimyawa and Loyroll's strongest dual tech: Over-Arcing. This deals huge light-based damage to all enemies. And now it's time to revisit an old friend: you have been taking care of Stinky the Griffohump this whole game, right? Well, if you have, by now, he's likely evolved into his adolescent form, where his wings are more developed and his mismatched eyes have evened out. Once all his stats are over 500, which should happen around now-ish if you've been taking good care of him, he'll evolve into his adult form, where he actually resembles a majestic creature of myth and even has a Pudding Warrior Knot on the side of his head, like Hiro's. Hiro: Yes! I knew you had it in you! You were just like me – you just needed a guiding hand to help you out! At this point, the rancher from before walks up. Hiro: Have a look! It's all thanks to you! Rancher: Who'd have guessed you'd really do it? Well done. Hiro: The last of his kind, the proud Griffohump~! Rancher: Oh. Right. That. Yeah, no, he's not the last of his kind. Hiro: W-what? Does that mean... you found him a mate? Rancher: … Dude, Griffohumps are everywhere. They're overpopulated in most regions of the world where they live because nothing wants to eat them. People that try usually end up in the hospital from food poisoning and depression. Hiro: … Rancher: We tell people they're the last of their kind to give them some kind of marketing appeal. I'm genuinely amazed that you made something of him. So I guess the joke's on me. Hiro turns to Stinky as the rancher walks off. Hiro: You and me. We are more alike than you know, my friend. Now with Stinky fully grown, we can ride him around on the overworld map! This not only moves us faster and reduces the encounter rate, he can even fly short bursts when you get a running start, allowing you to clear mountains and get into areas previously inaccessible, including one north of the ocean of Mermania to get Mancala's ultimate weapon, the Abacus of Ages. But as no one uses Mancala, who cares? There's also a neat, but ultimately useless trick you can use because the game maintains Stinky's speed regardless of turns, so if you have him run back and forth over two spaces rapidly, you can cause him to fly anywhere at any time. This is dubbed by the fans as The Stinky Shuffle. Anyways, now it's time to address a particular plot thread that's been dangling since chapter 2. Return to Toruble and speak to the King. King: Siigh... Hiro: … King: Siii-iiigh... Ozma: … King: Siii-iii-iii-i-- Ozma: What's wrong, daddy? King: Oh! Ozma! When did you get here?! See, I've just been a little melancholic lately. Can't quite shake it. It's just been so quiet here in the castle without you running around randomly braining people. Ozma: I have never done such a thing!! … Recently. … in the past few months. King: I just wish I could shake these blues. I haven't been nearly so proactive in banishing people recently either! Hiro: So some good has come of this at least. Ozma: Seems that way... The party exits and fans out. Kimyawa: Dame desu. This is no good. A king can't rule his land like this. Moore: There must be some means by which to cheer him up. Loyroll: It seems more severe than just having a rainy day. Perhaps he is coming down with a bad cold? Ozma: There's a doctor we could ask for help from, I suppose. Let's go have a chat with him! So, now it's time to return to the Mountain of Outcasts. Thankfully, this time, the Dreaded Mountain Maze is in rubble due to Ozma's last temper tantrum here and we can take a shortcut through it and monsters no longer spawn here. Once on the other side, there seems to be quite a change: there's way fewer NPCs here than last time. Eh, probably not important. Go back to the doctor's house and Ozma will knock. You go, JeffCom, reuse those art assets for great justice! Ozma: Doc, it's me. Please open up. The door opens a small bit. Doctor: W-what do you want?! Oh. Princess Ozma. Ozma: Daddy's been really down in the dumps lately. Would you please come have a look at him? Doctor: That's... not really a very good idea. Reasons, you see. Valid reasons, mm, yes. Ozma: I... what? Please, I'll talk to him about overturning your banishment and-- Doctor: No, no, quite busy here, please, and thank you! He slams the door shut and there's a sound of many, many locks being slapped into place. Ozma: W-what...?! What's he trying to pull?! Why that! I'll turn this door to splinters!!! Ozma winds up and slams into the door. When she hits it, she's stopped cold and overblown, comedic tears rush down her face. Ozma: … G-gimmie a hand, please! Hiro: Right. Ozma: On the count of three. Ozma backs up a few paces and counts on her fingers with an accompanying “click” sound so the player knows when to go. If you mistime it, Ozma will back up and count again, signaling you when to go again. If you both hit the door at roughly the same time, your party will go plowing through it and enter into a cave-like bedroom. Ozma: Alright! Doctor, now you listen here-- eh? Hiro: No one's home? Ozma: He couldn't have gone far. C'mon, how deep could these caves go, anyway? Let's find him! There's a bed you can rest in and a save point here, which is a none-too-subtle hint that this is more than just a town. You venture deeper into the caves and monsters start appearing like Banished Munchkins, Outcast Ostriches, and Willow Whips, ghostly plant-like monsters. Most monsters here fear fire attacks, so Kimyawa and Loyroll are excellent choices. A few floors down, the caves change and suddenly have crystal structures laced in the walls, giving this place a weird sense of style. Around here, new monsters like the Crystallis Caterpillar, and Wind-Up Golems start appearing around here and despite looking very rock-like, they're weak to earth attacks. Go fig, right? A little further in and the caves are completely replaced by metal corridors and what looks like a lab setting. Ozma: W-what in the world is this...? Loyroll: This is no mere hide-a-way for the untouchables. Whatever is happening here is happening on a grand scale. You can then go forward, but the puzzles here get a bit dickish. There's one room where you have to rush into a library and sort out books via Dewey Decimal System in a very short span of time, otherwise the room resets due to “Radiation” as a nearby sign will say. After that, you play a minigame not unlike the board game operation, and failing at it causes the miniboss monster, Chimantera, to spawn an infinite number of times. At least, in the SNES release. In the GBA remake, it'll only spawn once and win or lose, the door to the next room opens. Here, you play hopscotch against a kangaroo to cross electrified floors. There's a reason fans of the series call this area “The Cut Content Dungeon” as there doesn't feel like there's a unifying theme here. But once you're past that, you can then go to the last area here, a massive, circular room with a large tube in the center of the room with a woman inside of it and the doctor standing before it. Ozma: Doc! What are you doing?! Doctor: Gah! H-how did you get here?! Ozma: We let ourselves in. What is this? What were all those weird things we passed to get here?! Doctor: N-now that you've seen this... my, you've really put me in a bind... Ozma: What is that...? Oh my God! Is that... my mom?! Party: Say whaaaaaaat?! Doctor: … Well, since you're here anyway and you're so damn curious, I'll enlighten you. Your father hired me to save your mother from her unfortunate condition. At first I thought it a fool's errand – to find a cure for Disney Parent Syndrome! Preposterous! But... as I began my work, I started making breakthroughs and discovering new things... things previously completely unknown to modern medicine. Curiosities in the genetic structures of what we once believed to be ordinary humans. “Golden Tribe” indeed, I must say. Ozma: What are you...?! Doctor: I don't suspect a silverback gorilla such as yourself could appreciate it, but I've been wanting to tell someone about these discoveries for such a long time and I'm about to kill your asses here and now... well, let's just call this two birds; one stone. Hiro: Ozma! Ozma: I'm fine... Doctor: You see, true humanity is no longer with us. They haven't been with us in eons!! The mitochondria here indicates that there was an extinction event of some magnitude. Deima: Cough-cough-hack! Doctor: And now, modern chimerism is nigh-omnipresent! Every tribe! Every person! It's just a matter of dose! Ozma: I don't get any of this! And what's any of that have to do with my MOM, you creep?! Doctor: As I thought, you don't appreciate the meanings of the truth I've discovered here... very well. Let us cut to the heart of the matter then, shall we? The King tasked me to save the Queen... and abandoned her. I was the only one there with her in her twilight years! I realized she was... perfect. Ozma: Oh God, please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going... Doctor: She had to be... preserved. By any means necessary. Ozma: Oh God, it is!!! Doctor: She was too beautiful. Too pure... Ozma: Oh God, I'm gonna barf... stop lusting after my dead mom, asshole!!! Doctor: Dead? Dear girl, she is not dead. She is alive and well and I was just putting in my finishing touches on her new, perfected chimeran body! Ozma: You... you what?! Doctor: Arise! Perfect Human-Chimera 01! The tube's glass slides upward into the ceiling as the green goop pours out. In the Japanese version, the nude woman falls flat before standing up and throwing up some of the green fluids. This was removed entirely in the international release and she was even given a white towel from out of nowhere she clearly did not have previously. Woman: Where... where am I? Ozma: M... mommy?! Woman: O... Ozma? Is that you? You're so tall now... And, um, buff! Like, um, damn. Doctor: Oh-ho-ho... her memory is perfectly in tact too. Seems the “donations” made by my fellows here on the mountain weren't spent in vain! Loyroll: Stand down, you dastard and know when you're defeated. To flail about helplessly is disgraceful. Doctor: You think I am helpless? I'll show you the fruits of my labors, such that even simpletons like yourselves can appreciate them! The Doctor runs to a control panel and messes with buttons. Hiro and Loyroll advance, but the Queen steps into their path. Hiro: Y-your majesty?! Loyroll: Heh. Truly, this is not the first time a naked woman threw herself at me. I'm just not interested. Queen: H-help! I can't control my body! Doctor: Haha! Yes! It's better than I could have dreamed my perfect woman, my perfect creation, and your perfectly beautiful demise! Hiro: You're sick! Doctor: Prepare to die! Ozma: No! Mom!! -Boss Fight!- PHC-01 LP: 70000 MP: 6000 This is a dangerous fight as her stats are not dissimilar to Ozma's, having very high physical stats with very low magical abilities. Equally so, Ozma cannot attack directly during this fight, as you get the unique message “Ozma can't bring herself to do it!” so she's either benched or on support during this battle. Oddly enough, if you invoke her double techs with another character, this circumvents this – so punching her mom is a “no-no” but slapping her with a fish is A-OK! Focus on Kimyawa's elemental abilities or have her and Loyroll use Over-Arcing, use any attack items you have (which are calculated vs. magic defense) and heal often as her physical blows are enough to drop the likes of Mancala in one blow. When her health dips below 25%, then you have to worry about her special attack, Chimeran Rage, which hits the entire party for physical, melee damage and runs the risk of reducing physical attack and defense stats in the party. If this happens, you must heal quickly or she'll just reduce you to paste. -Boss Fight!- Queen: Ah... something just snapped. Doctor: No! Dammit! Move! Move! Queen: I'm free. Ozma: Mommy! Queen: My Ozma. You've grown so strong. And you have such wonderful friends. I couldn't be more proud of you. Doctor: This is an unforeseen turn of events. I didn't think they could go toe-to-toe with Perfect Human-Chimera 01!!! Queen: And as for you... The Queen turns to face the Doctor. Doctor: Oh... shit. Queen: My name is NOT “Perfect Human-Chimera 01”! My name is Valerie Po Toruble, Queen of the proud nation of Toruble! And as its Queen, I must establish justice within the boundaries of my beloved nation! Submit yourself to the court and beg for mercy as your sins will be dredged up before the light of day! Hiro: Um. Wow. I better take notes... Ozma: Mommy!! You're so cool!!! Doctor: Very well, Plan B it is. The doctor messes with the control panel again. PA: Emergency! Self-destruct sequence is initialized. This entire mountain is about to be leveled to the ground in 60 seconds. Have a nice day! Hiro: Quick! Grab him! There's time! Queen: There isn't. You lot get out of here. I'll ensure the evil of this place never spreads beyond this God-forsaken mountain!!! Ozma: Mother! Queen: Ozma. As the Princess of this nation, you must never forget... your heart gets a vote, but your brain has veto authority. Tell your father you love him, dry your eyes, and continue on your journey. You are our beloved land's future! Ozma: Mommy! No! Not without-- Hiro and the others restrain Ozma and pull her out the door. Queen: That's right. Be a good girl and listen to your mother. The Queen turns around, then just puts her entire arm through the Doctor's body. Doctor: BARF!!! Queen: This is the way it should be. The past is in the past and the future, set free into tomorrow. Farewell. The screen whites out here. In the SNES version, the party is returned to the overworld without further delay, but there's an extended scene that cues in the GBA remake when the party enters Toruble again. The House Man we saw briefly before walks in through the ruins of the lab. House Man: My, my what a loud explosion that was... He moves around, exploring the ruined boss chamber. House Man: Hmm... his research was thousands of years behind my own... but I must admit, he had some good ideas. I could probably put these to some good use, even if it takes some time. House Man chuckles to himself, as he uncovers a charred remains of one body. House Man: But then again, I have all the time in the world~! The party returns to the throne room of Toruble. Ozma: Daddy, I-- King: Oh-ho! Ozma! How good to see you! Ozma: Huh? Daddy?! King: I don't know why, but... it seems that funk I was in has been lifted from my shoulders! I'm ready and chipper and ready to start some banishing! Ozma: Ugh. Father... King: Oh, before I forget! The King goes to Ozma and gives her the Queen's Knuckles. Ozma: What on Earth? King: These were your mother's. I found them while taking my little trip down memory lane. I'm sure she'd want you to have them! Ozma: … King: What's the matter, dear? I thought you'd be happy! Ozma: I... I am. I have great friends and my whole future before me. I love you, daddy, but my travels aren't over just yet. See you soon! King: Do your best! Now Ozma has her ultimate weapon and unlocks her final attack “Regal Rampage” where Ozma bequeaths royal beatdowns, which hits six times and runs the chance of lowering one corresponding stat with each blow! Hiro: Your mother had a set of custom brass knuckles? Ozma: Yes, why? Hiro: No reason... And now, the only character without their ultimate weapon is Moore. At this point, we need to return to Moore's hometown and they'll mention a “legendary weapon of the miners” had recently surfaced and that a weapon's expert had it. So that's your cue to return to the weapon maniac from before. Old Man: Oh, hello. Here to discuss weapons? Hiro: Sort-of. We're looking for the legendary weapon of the miners. Deima: If this just ends up something dumb like a shovel, prepare for pain, old-timer. Old Man: No, no! Not a shovel! Much more sophisticated than a shovel! Moore: W-what? What is it? Please, tell us! I'd do ANYTHING to be not be rock-bottom tier in this game! All: … Moore: It's never going to happen, is it? Hiro: A-hem. Show us the weapon. Old Man: Can do! Got: Rusty piece of crap! Deima: Okay, so clearly, you want to die... Old Man: Eep! I just dug it up! If you want to see its true power, you'll have to go see the Old Lady Weapon Maniac! Deima: There's another one of you?! Old Man: Just head east from here! You'll find her there! Well, this is just a damnable lie. You need to go WEST from here to find the small hut in the middle of an island that's otherwise quite easy to overlook. Going east is useless as that section of the map is impassable. When you go there. Old Lady: Good morning! Are you here to ask about my weapons collection? I do love weapons! Moore: Sort of! This is... Old Lady: Ah, yes, the legendary weapon of the miners, unrivaled in their tribe as the pinnacle of design and form. Moore: So it can be repaired? Old Lady: Yes, yes! But I'll need the POLISH. Hiro: Special polish? Old Lady: Yes, but you're saying it wrong. It's POLISH. Hiro: Of course it is. Moore: Where do we find it? Old Lady: A merchant in Mermania has some! Mancala: Sounds simple enough. Let's go. So head to Mermania and speak to the merchant guild merman. Moore: So we're looking for the, uh, POLISH. Did I say that right? Guildmaster: Well, you're too late. I just sold the only POLISH I had to a man in Toruble! Hiro: Is this weapon really that great? Moore: It must be! It's the very best weapon of my people! Deima: Yes, God forbid we overlook the tallest of the dwarves. So head to Toruble! There, we find a wealthy looking fellow. Merchant: Oh? You want this POLISH? It cost me quite a lot! Moore: You don't understand, it's a matter of pride... Merchant: Hmm... okay! I'll give it to you! Moore: You will?! Merchant: But first-- All: ugh! Merchant: Bring me a Lucky Rabbit's Foot! Moore: Just... a rabbit foot? Merchant: No, ding-dong, the LUCKY RABBIT'S foot. The Lucky Rabbit only lives on Mushroom Island. Moore: That doesn't sound so hard. Let's go guys! So now, you need to head north-east-ish until you find a newly-made bridge and cross over to the previously-inaccessible island. There, you'll enter a cave and see a large, white rabbit sitting in front of many, many mushrooms with different spot patterns. Rabbit: What-ho! Welcome to the sacred ground of the Rabbit Clan! How can I help you? Moore: um. I am of the miner clan. I wish to request you for, uh, a Lucky Rabbit's Foot. Rabbit: That's all? That's not really a problem, but would you mind doing something for me first? Deima: HISS!!! Rabbit: Go to the top of the hill here and find me a mushroom that looks like... this! The rabbit places down a mushroom with a particular spot pattern. What pattern this is varies in each playthru. You then head up the mountain dealing with Mushkins, Hedgeshrooms, and Ecobandits, all of which can inflict poison. At the top of one of the four staircases are sets of mushrooms, so one of the 12 mushrooms up here is the one that matches Lucky Rabbit's request. Take it back to him. If you bring the wrong one, he'll scold you for being “dumber than a miner” and show you the one he's after once again and you'll return. Once you get it right, he'll speak to you again. Rabbit: Oh, frabjuous day! Here you go! Obtained: Lucky Rabbit's Ruler. Hiro: What? But this is a ruler and-- oh. Wait. I get it. Lucky Rabbit's... foot. Moore: Let's go guys! You then return to Toruble and speak to the merchant. Merchant: Excellent! Just what I needed! Hiro: Odd, I thought you wanted a, y'know, like a foot-foot. Like the Rabbit's actual hind-quarters leg. Merchant: Eww. You're weird. And gross. Here, take the POLISH and get outta here, ya weirdos. Hiro: Grumble... Then head to the Old Weapon Lady. Old Lady: Awright! Now I'll apply the POLISH and... there! Moore: Is it ready?! Old Lady: Almost! Head back to the Old Weapon Man and he should apply the finishing touches. All: Ugh! Moore: C'mon, guys! For all this work we're putting in, this weapon is going to be the best! So return to the Old Weapon Man. Old Man: Why, you lot have been busy. Now, let me just use my RUST REMOVER here and it'll be ready before you can say “Done”! And... Do-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooone! Got: Pickax! Moore: Of course!! Where a shovel fails, the Pickax prevails! All: … Deima: That tears it, everyone dies. Moore: But-- Deima thrusts her hand skyward and the Old Man's tent is blown away. Old Man: Oh noooooo! Moore: Cough. Cough. W-well, on the bright side I got my best weapon in the ga-- wait, does this mean I only HAVE two weapons in this WHOLE GAME?! Hiro: … The Pickax is... a little better than his shovel, I guess? But now that we have all the legendary weapons, we can finally go to that random forest in the north stretch of the game, with the healing spring in it. When we go to heal in it this time, Hiro and the party just jump into it. You'll then follow a spiral staircase downward until you reach a Pudding Shrine at the bottom. “But wait!” I hear some of you call out, “How the hell were we supposed to know about this?!” All I can say is: Player's Guide Sales! Go inside and Hiro will pull away from the party. Hiro: The final shrine... A small, strange, hairy creature appears before him. Hiro: Um. Lulz: Greetings, Hiro. I am Lul Invictus, but you can call me Lulz for short. Hiro: Very short. Lulz: Oh, the wit. Never heard THAT one before! You do remember my voice, do you not? Hiro: Um... Wait... you were the one who spoke to me when my powers first awoke! Lulz: Indeed so. Your journey is nearing completion, Hiro. You will need the fullest extent of your abilities now. Do you know what I mean by that? Hiro: Yes! My friends! Lulz: Indeed! You've learned much! I now release the limitations on your abilities and bless you with the mighty power of the Final Swirl Flavor Fusion! Hiro glows brightly. Hiro: Thank you, Lulz. Lulz: Fare thee well. And remember: Pudding is meant to be enjoyed! Not contained! Keep those snack packs a popping! Hiro: The more you speak, the less I understand. But I'll do my best despite that. Hiro returns to the others, draws out his sword and poses. Hiro: Do that which is right, live your life for others, and never, ever give up! That is the oath of the Light Puddings! Ozma: Heart~! Kimyawa: Sugoi, Hiro-ni-chan! Loyroll: Well said, friend! Deima: Heh. Hot. Moore: Mm! Mancala: Ooo, we should copyright that phrase and make mint after the war's over! And with that, the last optional quest is finished and we're ready to get us the best ending of the game! It's time to enter the next chapter, with our heads held high!

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Heart of a Pudding

(You find yourself exactly where Chapter 6 left off, with Kord mumbling to himself about his incompetent peers)

Hiro: So, are we cool, or....

Kord: Oh, yeah, man, we're the best of buds!

(Kord gives him a slap on the back that sends him flying)

Kord: Oh, uh....HAHA! TAKE THAT!

(He does the same to the rest of the party)

Kord: Ha! No one's the wiser! Kord, my man, you are one smooth operator!

You land nearby a gigantic looming tower with a unique sprite and a large city. Welcome to Gemadne, and ironically, this is only about 2 screens northeast of where you were! Yeah, you could've walked here in five minutes, even if you factored in the random encounters.

--Gemadne, the City of the Dark Puddings--

This place is gloomy and not at all enheartening. The locals mention how the winters are cold, and that food is stale and tasteless, being grown on the irradiated plains nearby. If you talk to an elderly man in the pub, he mentions how in ancient times, a battle between two goddesses warped the land and caused their current misfortune, but considering this is next to a clown doing a juggling act who yells “KATZU BICYCLE SOUP!”, you can take that for what it's worth. However, you need to go to the large dome on the northeast side.

(Man in a robe): Hey, you guys are new....and that scar! You must be the ones.

Hiro: Are you going to fight us?

Man: Naw. I'm on your side. Kind of. You can call me House Man (No, seriously. This is his name in Japanese as well. His name was translated into German as Hausen Mensch, and, the series director liked it so much, she kept that as his name. And now that I've sufficiently raised the blood pressure of veteran AQ players...) So, you want to challenge Zoddon? He's tough and wise, but you can do it. However, I'd recommend going in here first. You'll need this, though (He hands Hiro the PAPER)

Hiro: Is this just a piece of paper?

House Man: NO! It's PAPER

Hiro: Ooooooh.

In any case, head over to the door, where a guard awaits us. With the PAPER, we can now pass, lest the guard turn us away for being unqualified.

Guard: Papers, please.

Hiro: (Presents PAPER)

Guard: Ooh, nice!

Hiro: Eh?

(Hiro looks at the PAPER, and realized there's a picture of a woman's butt on the other side)

Moore: Nice!

Loyroll: Eeeeeh.

Hiro: I...I'll be going now.

Welcome to the Pudding Shrine

--Pudding Shrine--

This area is a stark marble building, with robed monks and nuns slowly processing through. Don't attack them (You get the option if you talk to them), as they do nothing but pray as you hack them down, and really, it's not worth it, as they give pittances of gold and exp. Continue on, and you'll see various portraits of apparently famous people, and on the west side, you can see a trio of large statues, one of Zoddon, one of Jaydea, and the third being a woman whose face is cracked and marred, making it unrecognizable. On the east side, you find a giant slab titled the “Wall of Memory, and all the Dark Puddings you killed are marked here. However, as soon as you stop reading it...

Armored man with flared eyebrows: Impressive, is it not?

Armored woman with a flash of white in her green hair: The Light Pudding, so weak with his P-Centage, and yet he has bested five of our siblings.

Man: PRAETORIAN LAA

Woman: PRAETORIAN TII

Laa: These halls, where the ghosts of our comrades cry out, is a fitting locale for our duel. Now, draw your weapon. You must answer to your ancestors!

Tii: Say your prayers to the finest of Zoddon's Praetorians, Light Pudding!

Hiro: Who are you guys again?

Laa: LET US DO RIGHTEOUS BATTLE!

Hiro: Seriously! Did you listen?

Kimyawa: Hiro-nii-chan, they just introduced themse--

Tii: AAAAARGH!

Loyroll: Let it go, sis

Hiro: HIYAAAAAAAAH!

Kimyawa: S-sumimasen...

--Boss Fight!--

Praetorian Laa x1

Praetorian Tii x1

Laa

LP: 36000

MP: 3500

Tii

LP: 36000

MP: 3500

You're probably thinking, “Oh, these two won't be so hard. None of the other Praetorians were that hard. HAHAHAHAHA....HA.  No. These guys don't let up. Laa begins the fight by “Flaring up a Storm,” and then casting 'Storm Shield, that cuts all physical damage by half. This includes Pudding Forms. Tii, on the other hand, will begin by engaging her Pudding Form, and attacking with “Frozen Custard Tart” which inflicts water damage and also has a good chance of Depression. As if this weren't bad enough, when you defeat one, the other will “Steel their brow” and then being to use “Pudding Braver,” a move that hits all party members for large water and air damage. Press on, and you can do it!

--Boss Fight!--

Laa: Urgh, e-even with our combined power....

Tii: I'm s-sorry, my siblings....

Laa and Tii: (Explodes)

Hiro: Just like the others, they all are willing to sacrifice themselves for Zoddon's ambition. C'mon! We need to stop him.

Ozma: YEAH!

Kimyawa: HAI!

Loyroll: Hear, hear!

Mancala: Yeah, whatever!

Deima: C'mon, then!

Hiro: YEAH, I...

(Hiro hears a squeaky noise he hasn't heard since--)

Hiro: WAIT!

You then have to search around for the noise, and cannot leave as Hiro cites “This is super important,” the source of the noise is the upper right corner of the room. Inspecting it now will open a hidden door. Go down the stairs to enter a caged room where someone we haven't seen in over thirty hours now is sitting.

Hiro: EMILIA! YOU'RE ALIVE?!

Emilia: Oh, hey, I thought you were the guard. They gave me tacos last night, and YECH, my bucket needs to be changed.

Hiro: I WAS SO WORRIED, AND—Oooh, urgh, yeah, you're right.

Emilia: Sorry. Who are all these people?

Hiro: These are my friends! We're here to save you and stop the Dark Puddings!

Emilia: Stop them? You?

(A clanking noise begins as a feminine robot appears)

Robot: YES, HOW AMUSING, STOPPING THE DARK PUDDINGS. TIME FOR YOUR DAILY MEAL AND BATH, EMILIA, AND FOR ME TO TAKE OUT THE RUBBISH!

--Boss Fight!--

Nannydroid x1

LP: 43000

MP: 4500

After the Praetorians, this is nothing, She's fond of “Hell Duster” a hit-all earth based move, and “Take out the Trash,” a move which can instantly kill one party member while inflicting Drunk on another, both of which are randomly selected, but she isn't too tough.

--Boss Fight!--

Emilia: Anyways, You...You came for me. I thought you were going to curl up into a ball and Ladd or Lady would come, but you...I'm proud of you, bro! And, you also got yourself some nice friends.

(Turns to the party) Look, I see where you all are coming from, but he's emotional and  naive. If ANY of you break his heart...No monster, devil or sealed ancient death goddess will stop me from tracking you down. GOT IT?

Party: ….

Nannydroid: M-must take out trash. Executing final cleansing routine

(She explodes, vaporizing the entire building, leaving the party in the rubble of Emilia's cell, with Emilia huddled behind a wall.)

You then can talk to her, where in Japanese, she'll complain of a draft. In the Localized version, she yells at you for not having stopped the Nannydroid from self-destructing. You see, the blast very clearly blew Emilia's pants off, even in the Localized version.

Emilia: Goddammit! Hiro! You can't leave me like this!

Hiro: I'M SORRY!

Emilia: I'm staying RIGHT HERE until you fix this!

Now, the trick to rescuing her, and making her playable is not what you'd imagine. The canny among you would scour the globe for “Pants” armors or items. The amusing thing is, the solution is right in front of you. You know, how you pay Loyroll to use better swords? Well, if you get to his tenth sword, the Plasmium Blade, you get the option of upgrading again. If you do so, he'll upgrade to Emilia's Saber, that energy saber Emilia used in the opening fight. How Loyroll came across this, we'll never know. However, if Loyroll has it, and you talk to Emilia...

Emilia: Oh, hey, one of your girlfriends has my sword, give it here!

Loyroll: My dear lady, I'm a ma--

Emilia: Yeah, sure, whatever, toots (Steals the sword out of Loyroll's hands) I'm pretty sure I've kissed girls more manly than you.

Hiro: Wait, WHAT?

Emilia: What happens in Girl Pudding Summer camp STAYS in Girl Pudding Summer Camp!

And with that, Emilia leaves her wall, and joins the party! Yes, she wasn't complaining about her lack of pants, but her lack of a weapon. Go fig. Anyways, you now can explore the ruins of the Pudding Shrine, where if you go near where the three statues were, the one with the broken face is still mysteriously intact. Go behind it, to go down a hidden flight of stairs, where you'll find a blue-haired woman in a robe.

Woman: Halt? Who dares challenge the wielder of the power of....Emilia? Hiro?

Emilia: Wait, MOM?

Hiro: I...I thought you died?

Mom: No, I was taken here by those damnable brats years ago. However, they couldn't kill me. So, they locked me up here! However, I can see it in your eyes. Your quest of vengeance! Very well, if you wish to wield my power, you must battle me!

Emilia: Hiro! This is it! We must fight as one!

Hiro: R-right?

--Boss Fight!--

Saint Cocoa x1

LP: 50000

MP: 6000

You only get Emilia and Hiro for this fight, but that's all you need, if you're smart. If you proceed with brute force, you'll get destroyed, as Cocoa will engage her Pudding Form, and more or less go Super Saiyan. She'll blast you with “Pudding Stream” a powerful magic attack that ignores magic defense, and “Rich Flavor” which will raise all her stats based on the last digit of your gold. Yes, YOUR amount of money powers up Cocoa. When she gets down to half health, she'll begin abusing “Cut your teeth,” a move where she randomly punches the party ten times for physical damage. This can be dangerous, especially if she focuses on Hiro. However, if you are strategic, and abuse Emilia's Steam Breath in her Pease Pudding form, you can win!

--Boss Fight!--

Mom: Emilia, Hiro. I-I'm so glad I could see you before I pass on...You are both members of the Royal Pudding Line, and within you is the power of [Golden Choco Majesty]. Realize it within yourselves, and it will be you's! Now, with that, farewell...

(Mom collapses, dead)

House Man: (Claps) Excellent! I knew you could do it! Now, you can fight Zoddon on even terms!

Hiro: Uh, thanks?

You can now proceed to Gemadne Keep. Well, you could do so before, perhaps advisable, to acquaint yourself with Emilia's skill set, but you would be hard pressed to be able to beat Zoddon as you were.

--Gemadne Keep--

This gigantic fortress is just as gloomy as the town it stands before, with “Dark Pudding Veterans, Dark Pudding Survivors, and Dark Pudding Centurions,” all as common enemies. Funnily enough, the GBA version retains an amusing programming error, where a certain corner of the third floor has a tile which always queues up a battle with three Veterans and a single Dark Pudding Rookie, the kind that you'd fight in Ddimopint, way back in the first section of the game. The fans loved him so much, he shows up as an Easter egg in various places in later AQ remakes,  known as Dark Survivor Zechs.

Returning to important matters, the trick of Gemadne Keep is the elevators, as each goes to only certain floors and you need to find the right ones to proceed. Basically, my best advice is to go left to right as far as you can, and those elevators will be the ones you need to use to proceed.  When you get to a single large room, you're where you need to be.

Zoddon: (Sitting in a large throne) Light Pudding. You arrived. I am genuinely impressed. You have a cut a path through my subordinates for your own ambition. However! Your burning passion and my own can not coexist in this world! Whose will be doused?

Emilia: OH MY LULZ! SHUT UP, ZODDON!

Zoddon: Hm? And the Sword God has been freed? You are a truly implacable man. Very Well! Steel Yourself, Light Pudding!

--Boss Fight!--

Dark Pudding Lord Zoddon x1

LP: 75000

MP: 5500

Zoddon, is, understandably, the hardest boss up to this point, as his LP count might indicate here. He will engage his “Noble Pistachio Pudding Form,”  and then begin his assault. He is fond of using 'Burning Ambition,” a move which inflicts heavy fire damage on one target, and “Towering Presence,” an earth move which deals heavy damage to one target and deals splash damage to adjacent party members. He also rarely will raise his sword. Be wary, as his next action will be the devastating “Pudding Grande Destroy” or in Japanese “Boddhisattva Pudding Ignorance Cleaver,” which deals a huge amount of Light-based damage. My best advice is to use Emilia's “GET BACK” action, which causes all non-Puddings to flee, which might seem bizarre until you see what the Golden Choco Swirl does. It is an androgynous, golden figure with glowing aura and flashing eyes. It screams in an auto-tuned voice with each attack, and has a chance of doing either “Pudding Slice,” a single physical move, “Golden Slam,” a powerful light elemented magic attack, or “Golden Aura Slice,” a physical move which hits all enemies and induces Depression. If you can land one of thees, then you'll most likely be pleasantly surprised to see it shave off 9999 damage off of Zoddon.

“Great,” I hear you say,” Why don't I use this swirl all the time?” because this form is berserk. You can't chose who you hit, and many times, Hiro will take his time blowing away his own friends, drunk on the massive influx of power the fusion with his sister provides.

So, yeah, now you see why I don't recommend doing this fight with everyone around.

--Boss Fight!--

Zoddon: (Clutches his bleeding chest) I...I see. Your will is stronger. Listen to this man's final words, Light Pudding. Light, Dark. These aren't Good or Evil. Nor are they families. They are your Will. Go now, Go with my sister, and forge a world where Puddings rule. We have been trampled countless times in the past, and yet we are the strongest clan on the planet. Your mother aided us, once. We worked together to build this place and free others from the Golden Tribe. With you and Emilia, now, we could wipe away all the chaos and produce a world free of strife. Be that man....

(Zoddon collapses)

Emilia: Goodbye, Zoddon.

Ozma: Is this it? Did we win?

(Jaydea runs in, a look of pure shock on her face)

Jaydea: ZODDON! ZODDON! ANSWER ME! THEY....They killed you!

Hiro: Give it up, Jaydea! Your brother wanted us to work together! Listen to his request! You can't win!

Jaydea: Oh? Do you know what I need to unlock the Goddess?

Emilia: The blood of a Royal Pudding and the Five Talismans, right?

Hiro: And we have three of them!

Jaydea: Hehehehe, correct. And, well, you're wrong, too. Y'see...Do you remember when I let you borrow my razor?

Emilia: Yeah, I cut my le—Oooooh, you bitch....

Jaydea: Yup! And on top of that? Remember that one weekend at Girl Pudding Summer Camp?

Emilia: You bitch, you promised we'd never speak about tha--

Jaydea: (Produces a walkman with a microphone) “I'm lonely. I miss my little brother, and I'm cold, could I sleep with YOU?” Do you want me to continue? If so, I can. If not, give me the Talismans.

(Emilia, face beet red, rummages in her backpack, producing the Talismans as the Party can only look on in shock)

Jaydea: Thank you! (Warps away)

Hiro: (In a squeaky voice) Sister....WHY???

Kimyawa: BAKA BAKA BAKA! WE'RE ALL DEAD NOW!

Mancala: I wonder if I can get a coffin sale going?

Deima: Relax, we can still win! It takes a while to unlock Halst, and she needs to GET to the seal first!

Hiro: Where IS that?

Deima: The Tower of Zyrtroph, the Flying Dragonfish.

(You might have seen a giant floating...thing out in the middle of the ocean. THAT is where the seal is. However, we're going to ignore that in Chapter 8 as we do a roundup of ALL the remaining side missions and fetch quests available.! See you then!)

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Masochism meets Machismo The party is very violently ejected over the horizon. The camera pans overhead some distance to a small island out in the middle of the ocean, where we couldn't get previously, due to a coral reef and a dialog box explaining how there's a migratory wave of sea sponges and that it's highly illegal to interfere with their trek. The party comes crashing down through the roof of the inn, whereupon the innkeeper, a slim woman in a white-n-black horizontally striped shirt and a tilted beret rushes over. Unlike other characters in the game so far, this character and the others in this town have their dialog appear on-screen little by little, accompanied by a MIDI attempting to sound like bongo drums accompanying beat poetry, even if text speed is set to max. Innkeep: Whoa. Like... are you lot okay? Hiro: I... I think so... I think I have the right number of body parts remaining. Why does that keep happening? What even happened?! Ozma: Where are we...? Innkeep: Welcome, my groovy soul sisters, to Toneland. The hippest, most forward-thinking culture on the entire planet. You are safe here. Hiro: Thank goodness. Had we landed in enemy territory, we'd have been overtaken easily. Innkeep: I didn't mean you, man-ling. Hiro: Beg pardon? Innkeep: As I said, we are a forward-thinking culture, free from the restrictions placed upon us by the pale, patriarchal penis people! Hiro: I'm at a loss for words, I'm afraid. Innkeep: Good. Your ungroovy way of speaking is such a downer. Lucky for you, I'm bilingual, but the people of this country speak only Beat Poetry and Interpretive Dance. If you want to get anywhere, you'll need at LEAST a set of bongo drums and a beret. Hiro: … Loyroll, this one's all yours. Loyroll: Hiro, my friend, I'm just gay, not a beat poet. This game was actually considered extremely revolutionary because of this line, fun fact. So, now we can stay at the inn (if we put Ozma, Mancala, or Kimyawa on point to do so. She'll scoff at any attempt made by Hiro or Loyroll.) and if we do so, she'll actually explain our next steps. Kimyawa/Ozma/Mancala: So, where would we get bongos and a beret at this hour? Innkeep: Well, these items aren't just for sale, no ma'am. You'll need to find special, custom-made gear found only in select locations. Whichever Female: What locations are those? Innkeep: You'll know them by their extremely pretentious attitudes and the overpowering smell of overpriced coffee. That's all I can tell you for now. Here, an optional scene can cue, if you opted to raise Kimyawa in the virtual pet game instead of Stinky. Ozma: Okay, you heard her! Can you get the scent, girl? Kimyawa: Yip! Yip! Yip! Ozma: Okay? You got it? Go get it! Kimyawa: Yip! Yip! Kimyawa points to the west wall, with a MIDI of yipping cuing as she does so. Ozma: Good job! Mancala: West? Mermania is to the west... and they DO have overpriced coffee... it's a start... Ozma: One more question? Kimyawa: Hai? Ozma: What DOES the fox say? Kimyawa: It says “DON'T BE RACIST, YOU FUCK!” Ozma: I was just curious!!! Kimyawa then rushes over and climbs up, sitting on Loyroll's shoulder as she pouts. Loyroll: There, there, Kimyawa, I'll get you some ice cream. Kimyawa: Hai! Ice cream, desu! This was likely added to help players along, as this was otherwise a bit of a guessing game. When you leave town, the sea sponge migration has ended here, and you can freely go to Mermania again where there is, indeed, a coffee house. However, we have more pressing matters to attend to, and the plotline in ToneLand cannot be triggered until we do it: remember how Deima left before? Well, we need to go get her again, this time permanently. So, remember where you found her the first time? The Aero Spire? Guess where we're going? This time, however, we can walk in and find her in her bed, asleep. Hiro: … Deima, are you serious? Kimyawa: Deima-chan, wake up! The game devs almost forgot to put you in this chapter! Deima's hand raises up, pointing to a note, on the far wall. Hiro goes over to it. Hiro: It says “I am asleep, due to a horrible curse, and only a noble knight's kiss can undo the spell.” Wait, this wasn't here before! Hiro flips the note over. Hiro: “And no amount of sass will get you around it, either.” This sure was a well thought-out hoax... Well, obviously, it should be... At this point, we're prompted to pick one of our party members. -If you pick Hiro- Hiro: What?! Why me?! I'm not really “noble” and I'm not a “knight” strictly speaking, as that mandates being, y'know, knighted. By, like, royalty. Loyroll: Well, Ozma's royalty. So, doesn't that, by extension, make you her knight? Hiro: Err, well... um... oh, fine. Hiro goes to Deima, visibly taking in a deep breath. Hiro: Only because it's helping someone. It's helping someone in need, right? Kimyawa: (Yeah, helping with Deima's adult needs...) Hiro bends down and pecks her on the cheek. He then rises and waits a moment. Hiro: … ? Did it not work? Maybe I'm under-qualified for the position after all. Deima: Seriously, that's all I get?! Not even on the mouth?! Hiro: … Oh yay. Deima is now safe. Clearly this was in no way predictable. Deima: AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SASS?! I mean-- the note... say about sass! I swear, every frickin' time the world is in danger from some amorphous evil entity, you come crawling to me like “OH NOES, SAVE US DEIMA-SAMA” and then I'm all “A'ight, bitches, stand aside!” and then we win, and then you bastards shack up with the nearest princess you can find and I'm left with reruns of the WWE! There is no justice in this universe!! -If you pick Ozma- Ozma: Okay, baby, here I come! Hiro: Say what? Ozma just grabs Deima's head and locks lips with her rather... roughly. Deima visibly flails her arms helplessly here. After a few moments, Deima goes blue and her eyes roll back in her head as she goes limp. At this point, Ozma releases her. Ozma: Fuwaaa! So, that's what you get for being stupid about this. Deima: uuuuuuuuungh... Loyroll: You do realize that, someday, you will die of a broken pelvis, right? Hiro: What...? -If you pick Kimyawa- Kimyawa: Eeeeeeh?! Watashi?! B-but I've never kissed a boy before! … Wait! She's a GIRL! Therefore, it's alright! Okay! I'll do my very best!! Kimyawa ninja-warps atop Deima's bed. She chucks a smoke pellet to the ground, which grays them out for a moment. When the smoke screen dies down, Kimyawa her has hands on each side of her face, blushing. Deima is sitting upright, a shocked expression on her face. Deima: W-what... just happened to me...? And why am I okay with it? Kimyawa: Kawawawawawa! -If you pick Loyroll- Loyroll: Ugh. Must I? Very well, but you owe me for this... Deima: HEY! ASSHOLE! Kissing me is a PRIVILEGE! Loyroll: Huh?! You want -ME- to kiss -YOU-?! … Fine. I shall do so with the utmost in style and grace, but purely to prove a point. Deima: Huh? Loyroll leans in and a brief animation of him licking Deima's nose plays. Deima: … AAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!! Loyroll: Yup. Still got it. -If you pick Mancala- Mancala: Wait, ME?! Why me?! Ugh. I already told you, I'm only a LITTLE into girls! Fine, fine... Mancala climbs astride Deima and... gets a little too into it. Hiro: You can stop now. It said just to kiss her, not to play tonsil hockey. Mancala: Sorry, I started thinking of all the MONEY this scene alone could make me in the long-run, and it just got my motor going! Deima: Is that all I am to you?! Just a cash cow?! … Well, okay, but I better get a cut too. Loyroll: Something-something-there certainly IS a cow involved-something. Mancala: Trying to cut into MY bottom line? Um, sorry, it's not me, it's you... Sadly, the New Game+ characters don't get their own scenes. God only knows what would happen if you tried to make Deima make out with herself. At any rate, Deima rejoins! This time for keeps. And, at long last, you may return to Mermania. Inside the coffee shop, you'll see a merman barkeep and we'll need to speak to him. Mancala: Yo, barkeep. A thimble of coffee with three layers of foam and cinnamon sprinkled on top! Barkeep: That'll be 25,000 currencies. Mancala: Ooo, must have a sale on right now! Barkeep: What do you want, Manny? Last time I worked with you, I spent 4 months in community service before I could re-apply for my vendor's license. Mancala: The past is in the past! Barkeep: It was FOUR MONTHS AGO! Mancala: God, you're so overly pedantic... I just need to know where I can get my hands on a set of bongos. You gonna tell me or do I need to tell the health department that you spell it “expresso”? Barkeep: Th-there's no need to get violent! You did not hear this from me, but in the kelp fields to the north-east, there's a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy... you can get your damnable bongos there. Now, out. I don't want the fuzz to think I'm still on-board with your schemes. Mancala: Thank you~! Hiro: Mancala, what kind of schemes is he on about? Ozma: Gee, I dunno. Maybe like the time she shilled us and then sold us for chump change to the village head. Mancala: The past is in the past! Let's go to the kelp fields! The kelp fields were an area we could've visited prior to now, but the enemies would've been too strong, and there wouldn't have been anything there but a few mundane healing items in chests for our trouble. Once we have this bit of intel, we can go there and a blue whale, with a beret not dissimilar to the ones seen in Toneland, and Otto the Octopus await us! Hiro: Oh no, not him again! Otto: Thaaaaaaaaat's right~! Me again! Let's welcome our very special guests, the Pudding Hero and his friends~! A burst of confetti rains down as the weird, pixelated fish come on screen, and shake in wild applause again. Loyroll: That will never cease to mystify, will it? Kimyawa: Etto... The fish then retreat to whence they came. Otto: Today's Lucky Bonus Challenge is a competition of luck and reflex to get your very own custom-fit BONGO DRUM SET! Today, Hiro's challenger is none other than Wally Whale. Give it up for our competitors. Hiro: Is this actually happening, or has my life become a long-running fever dream? Ozma: Should I pinch you to find out? Hiro: I-I'd really rather you didn't, actually! Hiro hurriedly runs to the stool on the opposite side of the table from Wally and sits down. Wally: Oh-ho?! You're my challenger, ehh?! Hiro: He just said you're my-- Wally: WELL I WON'T GO DOWN EASY, Y'HEAR?! Hiro: I do hear you, I'm less than four feet away. There's really no need to yell at-- Wally: I WILL CRUSH YOU WITH MY FINS OF IRON AND MY BUNS OF STEEL! Ozma: Do... do whales HAVE buns? Loyroll: The things that keep me awake at night... Otto: Today's Super Lucky Bonus Challenge is... BINGO!!! Kimyawa: Bingo? That boring game obaa-chan liked? Otto: A game of luck! A thrilling game of chance and challenge! Hiro: There's... literally no challenge, it's blind lu-- Wally: YEEEEEEAH! LET'S ROOOOOCK!!! This minigame is... dumb. I hate to say it but... it is. I even tried abusing this with save states, but the RNG is not player-friendly. You begin by picking one of three 5x5 bingo cards with the Griffohump, Stinky, as your FREE space in the center square. Then Otto reads out numbers and you must, manually, move Hiro's hand in order to place blue tokens on your card. You can do this to also remove them if you place them in the incorrect spot (and you will, as Hiro places the tokens slightly lower than his fingers, aimed more under his palm, which the player cannot see for obvious reasons). Otto also does this SLIGHTLY faster than the player can be expected to keep pace, as Hiro's hand moves very slowly during this bit. The devil of it is that if the card is incorrect in any way (such as having a token in a number not called, or not having a token in a space that was called, even if these have no impact of the result of the game) you lose, EVEN IF YOU GET THE BINGO FIRST!!! Oh my God, this is nothing but a colossal timesink! But, eventually, if you keep trying at it, you will inevitably win or go crazy. One or the other. On the bright side, losing just resets the game and you try again. Otto: WE HAVE A WINNER!!! HIRO!!! Hiro: … Um. I'm glad. So, do I get the bongos no-- Wally: NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAY!!! YOU CHEATED! Hiro: How do you propose I did so? Wally: I'LL CRUSH YOU! Hiro: Wait, what?! -Boss Fight!- Wally Whale LP: 12,000 MP: 5000 This battle hits most by surprise, especially as there's random encounters and no save spot in this area, and Hiro is forced into this on a one-on-one here, hence his vastly lowered HP. Wally mostly relies on his single-punch attack which does decent damage, but will sometimes shake it up with his Aquatic Qualer attack, which oddly enough, is coded to hit All Targets, meaning it always deals 75% damage, making it weaker than his punch. Hiro can't use his swirls here, meaning that you'll be just attacking normally. Low level runners typically find this infuriating, however. I guess Jeffcom just hates them. Grinding is love, grinding is life. Using your Rice Pudding form has Wally call you a “Huge Nerd” and bolsters his attack strength by 25%. -Boss Fight!- Wally: NOOOOO-- Wally then explodes. Hiro: … Well, alright then. So, do I get the bongos or not? Otto: Here you go! Hiro gets the key item: Custom Bongos! Hiro: While I'm here anyway, do you know where I could get a ber-- Otto: AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS! Let's have a big ol' round of sound for our champion gameshow hero, Hiro! Cue the shaking, pixel fish. Kimyawa: I will be seeing them in my nightmares, no doubt. Hiro: Are we done here? Otto: That's a wrap everyone! Good job! Otto then scurries off-screen. Hiro: Now what do we do? Loyroll: When the path forward is blocked, the logical thing to do is double back to where we were before and see if new doors haven't opened to us in lieu of the closed one. Kimyawa: Onii-chan, you just mean you have no idea so we need to just try every option until something works! Loyroll: Yes, but I said it more eloquently, dear sister. Ho-ho! And this is the part that drove most players insane. You actually DO need to backtrack. … To FirstTown. Yes. Remember some 20-25 hours ago, where the game started? That's where we need to go next. “Haha!” I hear some of you say, “I've been level grinding and now Mancala has the TownStep ability, meaning I can just instantly warp there! Joke's on you!” well, I hate to break it to you, but you can't do that. You haven't slept in FirstTown's inn. You've either had the elder heal you or sleep in Hiro's bed... which the game doesn't register, on account that the inn was destroyed. “W-well, I'll just warp to the nearest town and, uh...” suddenly, you realize the problem as most of the towns we've visited thus far as now piles of rubble. Some of them because of us! … So, better get to walkin', champ. You'll find the nearest town is Toruble, which isn't as awful as walking there from Mermania, but isn't exactly next-door either, as Hiro got sped there via flight. But when we get there at this point, it's actually rebuilt and has an inn and everything! When you arrive, a cutscene cues even! Hiro: Elder! I return triumphant! With my allies in tow, I-- The Elder is speaking to a young boy, with a sword slung over his shoulder. Elder: So, with our previous “last hope” likely dead and buried, we need you, Ladd, to bravely go forth and-- OH! HIRO! The Elder very quickly kicks the boy into the nearest door and stands in front of it. Elder: Ho-ho! Good jokes! Hiro: … Ozma: Oh dear... I think what little ego he managed to grow over this journey just came crashing down... Do you need a hug? Hiro: Yes. All of them. Bring it in here, you guys. Yes, even you, Loyroll. The party briefly encircles Hiro, who jumps a little. The party steps back. Hiro: Okay, that was super sweet, up until someone pinched my butt. Just... if you raise your hand and confess, I won't get mad. Who dun it? Everyone in Hiro's party raises their hand. Hiro: I lied, I'm kind of mad now. Elder: What a... pleasant surprise to see you, Hi-- Hiro: CAN IT, OLD MAN!!! Do you know what I've been THROUGH?! Do you know how many of my fellow Puddings I've had to KILL?! That kid? That CHILD?! You think he can HACK IT?! I'VE SEEN PEOPLE EXPLODE!!! EXPLODE!!! Can you explain that?! I don't think you can!!! Or are you gonna feed me yet another non-answer, like when Emilia tried to explain puberty to me by calling it a “Witch's Curse” that I'd have to shoulder like some kind of monkey's paw wish?! OH! And the PROPERTY DAMAGE! I hope the world has an insurance policy taken out against me, because Lulz knows they FREAKING NEED IT ABOUT NOW!!! Have YOU even seen a town come caving in around you when you were just minding your own business? It's like the gods themselves are saying “Hey, did you get all the items and side quests from this place? Golly, I sure hope so, 'CUZ IT'S FALLING FASTER THAN THE COMMODITY MARKET!!! Oh, and my PUDDING MORPH?! You guys didn't even EXPLAIN IT TO ME CORRECTLY! Oh my G-- where do I even START there?! My Rice Pudding form LOWERS MY STATS?! And I can FUSE with people?! DID SOMEONE THINK TO EXPLAIN THAT PART TO ME?! NO?! CUZ I HAD THE SOUL OF ONE OF MY ANCESTORS ASK ME TO BARTER MY FRIENDS' LIVES TO FIND OUT!!! Just... Lulz damn it, old man!!! Elder: I don't suppose I could bribe you with a sammich? Hiro: Just... stop talking. In fact, don't talk to me. Ever. You're dead to me, old man. Elder: Oh, poop. I guess I shouldn't tell you about the lost treasures of our tribe then... 'cuz, I had them out on a rowboat, and suddenly, this beautiful mermaid comes out of nowhere and I... kind of dropped them. And due to mermaid magic, they all ended up in different bodies of water across the planet. Hiro: [High-pitched, pathetic whine] Elder: Totally not my fault, though! I was keeping them for, y'know, safe-keeping! So, let me make it up to you by teaching you an ancient pudding technique! Hiro: Sigh. Okay, old man, it's not like I have a choice, given I live in your house. What's the technique? Elder: The Pudding Tribe prides itself on their masterful fishing ability! Hiro: Hm. I could lose a few hours of my life doing this... Elder: And some years too! Hiro: Pardon? Elder: We don't use like, sticks or twine or anything stupid like that. We place our arms in the water and flail them about helplessly until something takes a bite! In which case, we pull them out via brute force! And that's how you go fishing! Hiro: … Wh-why is everything our tribe do STUPID?! Elder: My boy, my boy... have you never considered that, maybe, uh, one cow says unto another... um... w-well, maybe it's the nature of our clan in that we... err... w-well, I bet you'd be PERFECTLY HAPPY being one of our Dark Pudding brothers! Shall I get you your own little jackboots so you can stomp all over the little guy's freedom?! Hiro: Oh, Lulz help me... Elder: Oh, and one more thing. Hiro: W-what? Elder: I turned your bedroom into my exercise room! Hiro: But what happened to my comics and action figures?! Elder: Those were all destroyed in the house fire! Hiro: Noooooooooooooo-- ugh-- my life's a joke. Hiro obtained: Crippling Depression! This isn't a special attack or item or anything. It's a status. Hiro is depressed and this lasts a while. It will randomly interrupt normal attacks with “Hiro assumes fetal position and weeps openly about the future of his clan”. Even Ozma's otherwise extremely potent “Qipao BoinBoin” technique won't cure this, nor will Kimyawa's “Fox Massage”. However, this only lasts a set number of battles before he shrugs this off, so it's better to get this as early as possible and get it out of the way. It's just another reason this fetch quest is considered the worst of all of Amazing Quest's. Anyways, now we can sleep in the inn here, making it so we can warp here at-will and sleep at an inn for just 5 gold! This is also the town where the other coffee house has now appeared and the server here is not only a unique sprite, she eventually returned in Amazing Quest's sister series, AQ: Coke Float, Lady L. Lady: Welcome to the new FirstTown Coffee Hut: FarLucks! I'm the hostess, Lady! How can I help you? Loyroll: I'll have an inside-out pudgy brunette frappe with extra caramel machiatto blasse half caf. Hiro: Uh, did you ask for coffee or a girlfriend? Loyroll: Did I or did I not already explain my preferences to you, Hiro? Oh, I can't stay mad at you... Loyroll pinches Hiro's cheek. Hiro: Bleeeeeeh... Kimyawa: Etto... we're looking for a beret, kinda like the one you're wearing! Lady: Oh, I got mine by getting a dream cookie. Kimyawa: Ettoooooooo... Hiro: So, where do we get one of those? Lady: Oh, it's not that simple. You need the dream cookie, and then you go to the birdhouse at the Edge of Tomorrow. Hiro: Are we SURE this isn't a fever dream? Ozma: I already pinched your butt! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! Kimyawa: Demo, Ozma-chan, dane, dane! Yamate! Hiro: … Uh, right-o then. So, this, uh, Dream Cookie... Lady: Right, you get that by going to the World Tree and sleeping in the cocoon of the Grand Empress Butterfly. Simple as that. Hiro: I... where's... that...? Lady: Just head north and keep on walking. Can't miss it. Hiro: Right. Thanks... So, head north and you'll find a handy bridge linking you to a small island that was previously inaccessible. There, you'll find a huge tree and a path formed from criss-crossing roots you can traverse. Some minor insect monsters appear here, but none are too terribly bothersome. Not that Munchkin Moths, Kittypillers, and Were-Ants are all that threatening to start, but eventually, you'll see a massive, silk structure dangling from a branch above. Hiro: O... kay. I guess this is it. Can I get a boost? Ozma and Kimyawa grab and toss Hiro up into it. Hiro: Um... Mancala: So, how is it? Hiro: Warm, I guess? … Kinda damp? Not so wild about that. But I guess I'll catch a quick power nap... The scene goes sepia, where Hiro is sitting in a field with Emilia, having a picnic. Hiro: Wow. I'm spending quality time with my sister and I'm not being violently brained or ridiculed! This is going great! Emilia: Hiro... Hiro... Hiro... Hiro...! Hiro: WHAT?! Hiro snaps awake, blinking a few times. Hiro: Oh, c'mon! That was IT?! I finally get a NICE sepia tone flashback and that's the extent?! Nothing even really happened! The narrator just claimed some stuff happened! Loyroll: That's not important, my friend, did it work? Hiro: Umm...? Hiro reaches atop his head, where a cookie sits. Hiro: Apparently, it did! Hiro got Dream Cookie. He then climbs down from the sack. Insert joke of choice here. But as he does, a shrill sound plays. Hiro: Wait, what was--? A massive, purple butterfly dives down, engaging the party! -Boss Fight!- Empress Butterfly LP: 30000 MP: 7000 The obnoxious part of this fight is that this bitch can spam pretty much every ailment with its [Ailment] Pollen attacks, which it brandishes with abandon. Ozma and Kimyawa are basically not optional for this fight if you want a chance of not getting ailment'd to death. Its means of dealing direct damage are quite limited, sans its “Antenna Wave” which hits everyone for wind based damage. However, using Ozma and Kimyawa's earth-based techs or Ozma's pudding swirl and exploiting its naturally low physical defense is the way to go. -Boss Fight!- Hiro: That was non-sequitor. Loyroll: There's no helping it. Let us return to the cafe for further clues! And... well, do so! There, Lady will fill us in more. Lady: Great! You got the dream cookie! Hiro: Did YOU have to fight a giant bug to get one? Lady: No, why? Hiro: Just asking. Lady: Now, you need to go to the Edge of Tomorrow. Kimyawa: You mean like staying up all night and playing truth or dare and waiting until midnight? Lady: Uh, no, not so much. I'd be lying to say I didn't try that too, but the Edge of Tomorrow is a real place! What happened in Girl Pudding Summer Camp STAYS in Girl Pudding Summer Camp... A-anyway, the Edge of Tomorrow is the deepest portion of the ocean floor: The Marinara Trench! Hiro: Wait, did you get underwater?! Lady: Oh, that part of the ocean isn't underwater. Hiro: WHAT?! Lady: Did I stutter? It's the MARINARA TRENCH. It's not water, it's tomato sauce. Everyone knows that, geez. Did you fail geography? It's consistently ranked in the top 8 deliciously deadly dungeons to die for! Or in. Either or. Mancala: Actually, I'm pretty sure I know where that is. Deima: Wow, you're gonna help and NOT shill us? Mancala: Hey, hey, I can be a very generous spirit when so inclined. Hiro: That and you're probably afraid of Ozma turning you into a flail again. Kimyawa: Mm. Sashimi desu! Mancala: W-well, you can't be too careful! Let's go! So, thankfully, we can actually warp to Mermania for this part rather than walking again. You then need to head south towards a red cave. If you had tried to come here before, you would be warned that you had not taken your heart burn medication and would be turned around. Venturing in now, however, will start ramping up the difficulty a bit with the likes of Meatball Munchkins, Spaghetti Serpents, and Ravioli Ravagers and they do love them the Red ailment among their numbers. The upside is this is the first real opportunity to level in this chapter, as it's the first set of monsters that are scaled to where we oughta be by now and they drop copious amounts of Cooled Hankies, which relieve red in a single target. The problem you'll face is the cracks in the floor which blast up with, uh, sauce and deals damage if you're caught in them. The dungeon is fairly simple otherwise, if a bit long. When you get to the end, you'll encounter a massive cliff, dropping into oblivion. Hiro: So... where's the birdhouse? The screen rumbles as a massive, golden, crispy squid rises from below, a birdhouse perched atop its spear-shaped head. Hiro: Oh. -Boss Fight!- The Great Calamari LP: 40000 MP: 3500 Tentacles (x2) LP: 10000 MP: 0 This deep-fried fishy fiend is a little tricky in that it's multi-bodied. The tentacles try to swat you, and lower accuracy with their base attack, so they have to go first. If they peg you a few times, don't panic, as the accuracy reduction wears off over time. The head itself has good defense against magic and physical attacks, but none of his attacks are too overwhelming, even his strongest move – Marinara Madness – deals only passable damage. If you take out his tentacles first, you shouldn't have too much trouble, but if they decide to be particularly petulant, this fight can drag out. The best thing to remember is that accuracy is reset if Hiro swirl-fuses or un-fuses with party members. -Boss Fight!- Great Calamari: Heroes of Destiny, you have proven your mettle before the Baron Calamari, and I offer you the Birdhouse of your Soul. Do as you see fit. Hiro: Uh. Right. Thanks. Loyroll: That's pretty deep. Deima: About 20,000 leagues, I'd wager. Hiro walks up to the birdhouse and puts the cookie in. After a moment, we hear a “crunch-crunch” sound and out pops a beret! Hiro: There are no words. Hiro obtains: Beret! Now that we have these, we can return to Toneland and finally start the chapter proper. Oh, and by the way, you've finished all these side quests now, right? Just so you know, there's a shop keeper on the far-right-hand side who sells the Beret and Bongos for a price. Just FYI. Maybe now you'll learn to explore under your own power first BEFORE just asking a guide what to do. But I doubt it. At any rate, we can buy some weapon and armor upgrades at long last, usually themed as Musc[Weapon] and ToneDresses, as the shops do not carry armor for the guys. At this point, we need to go up to the castle in the north end of town and the Queen's Assistant, Nagi. Nagi: Oh, thank the gods! Some sucke-- I mean-- some blessed visitors from beyond the sea, here to aid us in our time of crisis! Mancala: Do we really owe these broads anything? They haven't really been super helpful thus far... Ozma: As princess of House Toruble, I cannot overlook a crisis to a nation that might be in need. We need to hear them out. Nagi: You see, the Queen... she has become completely smitten with a Dark Pudding general! And now she aims to just hand over one of ToneLand's sacred treasures! Ozma: It almost feels wrong, though, to interrupt a young love... Hiro: After seeing the kind of work they do, I have a hard time believing that this “love” is anything but one-sided. Nagi: The one with the poor taste in gender is, and I say this begrudgingly, correct. Hiro: I... didn't have a say in what I was born as-- Nagi: STOP TRYING TO MANSPLAIN TO ME!! God, can you man-lings not go 5 minutes without trying to oppress someone?! Hiro: I-- this is not helping my inferiority complex. At all. Ozma: Casual sexism aside, what can we do to stop them? After all, a woman's heart is fickle, but determined. If she has her eyes on someone, telling her she's wrong will only provoke her to pursue it more doggedly. Kimyawa: Maybe we could, uh, “liberate” the treasure first? What even is it? Nagi: Why, the sacred ancient treasure of ToneLand is (wait for it...) the Wind Talisman! Ozma: Gasp! Hiro: Who even sa-- no, wait, did that joke already. Disregard. Nagi: But it'd be better if you took it, frankly. The problem is that only the Royal Family can access the Royal Vault, using the Royal Tattoo! Loyroll: Sounds very royal. Nagi: It is, my strangely-attractive misogynist! Loyroll: Excuse me? Nagi: The Royal Tattoo is branded on the Princess each generation. Mancala: Oh, like, on her hand or arm or something? Nagi: No, on her ass. All: … Kimyawa: Etto... Hiro: Boy, this turned awkward quick. Nagi: However, there is a way! We must... PEEP ON HER IN THE BATH! Hiro: Actually, I have an idea, if I may: if someone has to tattoo the princess each generation, doesn't that mean there's some tattoo artist on this island that already knows the passcode hanging around somewhere? Nagi: You're saying words, but I do not understand, due to your gruff, oppressive speech. Hiro: I give up. Kimyawa: It'll cause a riot if nii-chan-tachi go in directly. We should cause a distraction instead, and allow the boys to peep properly. Hiro: What? I was thinking that Loyroll and I would be the distraction! Loyroll: Indeed, why are you giving us the boring job, dear sister? Kimyawa: It's funnier and adheres to shounen manga tropes better this way! Hiro: Must I? Kimyawa: Also, it's gonna be hilarious when Ozma-onee-chan gets super pissed off! See, nii-chan and I have a bet to see how many bricks she can break in one punch. I'm thinking 20-ish, but he says it's around 15. So if I get her REALLY mad... Hiro: Ulp... So the party splits here. You take control of Hiro and Loyroll for a grand total of 10 seconds, as you go through a side path that Nagi gestures toward. When you do so, the game suddenly swaps to Ozma, Kimyawa, Deima, and Mancala who move to the right-hand side through a door that was locked previously. When you do, prepare for the mindfuck because the “distraction” portion of this plan is them putting on an opera, recreating the love story between the Queen and the Dark Pudding who is, in fact, Jaydea. Yeah, the localized version of the game leaves this tidbit out, but this is a lesbian love affair (as if ToneLand has anything but, but I digress). In the Japanese version, the point is to pick the line that forms a proper, thematic haiku. This... does not translate well at all, as this instead becomes a one-liner-off between Ozma wearing one of the princess' dresses (stretched to capacity), and Kimyawa in an outfit not unlike Jaydea's (equally at its limit), while Mancala and Deima run around the stage, doing the special effects. The song eventually degrades into a rap battle, with Ozma and Kimyawa trying to out-white-girl each other. It is a thing of beauty and at the same time, horrible. Ozma: Ya, mon! Kimyawa: Aww, hell naw! Mancala: We are getting paid for this, right? Ozma: Naw, mon! Mancala: Dammit. Once you have lost 30 minutes of your life re-doing this segment, because let's be honest: no guide can help you here... you then get a timer for Hiro and Loyroll's segment. The better you did (whatever arbitrary criterion the game uses to gauge that) dictates how much time you have to peep. Hiro and Loyroll crawl behind some potted plants and hunker down. Hiro: I feel like I need to be arrested for this. Loyroll: Think about it this way: you could be playing the SuperWorld Urania games. Hiro: Yes, that would make me feel much worse. I suppose given that, I should be grateful. Loyroll: Ah, here she comes now. Prepare your short-term memory, my friend! Here, the game goes into a... very uncomfortable first-person view, sort of like the movie-made-game, Triassic Zoo, and you have to time when you pop from your hiding spot to get a glance at her rear end. You can't actually SEE the code in this format, as this is the limited SNES rendering capacity, it's more like looking at two peaches combat a Mode 7 block of blue. By, uh... humping the bajeezus out of it. The point is, by seeing her butt, you fill a meter at the bottom and when it caps out, you're done with this quest and the SNES's limited online capability automatically registers you to the FBI sex offenders registry as a convenient step! Welcome to 1992! The internet is already here! Hiro: I feel unclean. Loyroll: Ass do I. Hiro: What? Loyroll: I agreed with you. Hiro: You said “ass”. Loyroll: I did no such thing! Hiro: Butt you did! Loyroll: You just spelled “butt” wrong! Hiro: I did not. I derriere say you're trying to-- Loyroll: Derriere? Really now? Hiro: Dammit, I did say that, didn't I? Loyroll: … Let's agree to never speak of this again. Hiro: Agreed. The two depart and the party reunites back in the main floor area, meeting Nagi there. Ozma: So, that was degrading in ways I never knew possible... Mancala: But we're getting rave reviews! Kimyawa: Did nii-chan-tachi get the code?! Loyroll: We did. In order: Green, Blue, and Red. Hiro: Y'know, we probably could've just... guessed that. Nagi: Quickly, while the castle is still distracted. Now is our chance! Nagi then automatically guides you to the vault. There, Hiro enters the code. Hiro: Alright, that should do it. … Why isn't anything happenin-- Suddenly, four suits of armor that line the walls rush out and surround the party. Hiro: What the--?! A trap?! Nagi: A security measure! That must not be the code... wait, I get it! Because it's on her ass, she has to put the code in INSIDE-OUT! Mancala: Of course! It's brilliant! That way, only by getting her head out of her own ass can this plotline go forward! Hiro: What?! Suddenly, guards and the Queen storm in. Queen: How dare you! You were going to try to steal my sacred treasure, my gift to my one and only Jay-bird?! Mancala: You nicknamed her? Really? Queen: Your entire drama troupe is TOTALLY getting a bad review on Telp now!! Hiro: Listen, your highness, it's just that-- Queen: Look, he's totally oppressing me! YOU SEE IT, DON'T YOU?! Deima: Oh gods above, shut your face. Or your ass. I frankly can't see a difference in the two. And believe me, I got a good look at both! You're so self-righteous and full of yourself you can't even see that you're being played for a sucker! Queen: But Jaydea and I are gonna get Mormonly married and then we're gonna have all of the babies!! Deima: I... I'm ignoring that entire sentence for your benefit. But beyond that, if the Dark Puddings get what they want, you won't have the CHANCE! They're going to bring a great and terrible evil into this world! No one will be getting married and living happily ever after if they get the talismans! Be a good little girl and just give it to us nice and easy, or else aunt Deima is gonna have to-- Queen: You old sow! You wouldn't know what it's like to be loved, you furry fossil! Deima: DA FUQ YOU JUST SAY, HO?! Now, at this point in the SNES version, the screen just whites out and implied Deima cast a spell. In the GBA remake, we actually get an amusing cutscene that accompanies this moment, as we fly-on-the-wall over to Jaydea's crew, riding an airship towards ToneLand. Jaydea: ETA? Guard: About 30 minutes to ToneLand, Lady Jaydea! Jaydea: Excellent. I'll have that Wind Talisman in no time at all! Guard: Ma'am! A quick update! Jaydea: What is it? Guard: The palace, it appears to be... A huge, white laser flies by the side window, evaporating birds that were previously flying in the background. Guard: Exploding. Jaydea: … [Sigh]. Okay, guys. Executive decision. Turn around. We're going back. Forward a message to Lord Zoddon to stop by a MockBuster and rent something steamy for this weekend; no one's getting laid tonight. Guard: The one with the, quote, “Hunky German Guys”? Jaydea: That's the ticket. Back to the party, with the vault room now in ruins. The armor suits are laid to waste and the vault door is just gone now. Deima's hair is erratic and unkempt, as the women are running around the room wildly as Hiro and Loyroll stand a safe distance away. Deima has the Queen in a headlock. Deima: SAY IT! SAY IT!!! HOW OLD AM I?! Queen: T-t-twenty-five!!! Deima: DAMN STRAIGHT!! Hiro: Should... we be doing something? Loyroll: I strongly advise against that, friend. And ruin my hair? Not on your life. Kimyawa: Deima-chan! Stop! Onegai! The whole building'll come down! Ozma: Are you crazy?! Stop it already!!! Deima: I'mma kill this ho! She's more pathetic and pandering than Kimyawa! Kimyawa: HEY! I only pander a LITTLE! … A lot. A LOTTLE! At least I'm not some roided-up amazon! Seriously, who's fetish is she trying to appeal to?! Don't tell me you can get abs you grate cheese on just by doing sit-ups and drinking juice! You should get a cute, smooth tummy like mine! Ozma: The HELL you just say?! You can't even get your top in a top! If you wanna talk about fake body parts... Kimyawa: GASP!!! MY OPPAI ARE NATURAL!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! You bring shame upon Kimyawa's okaa-san! Mancala: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING HALF THE TIME! Are you literate?! Hiro: This is seriously going to Hell. C'mon, Loyroll, let's grab the talisman and just leave. Loyroll: Slight problem with that... Ozma: Where do you two think YOU'RE going?! Stand up for my honor! Hiro: Err... Kimyawa: Onii-chan! SAIKYOU NO SENSHI! Loyroll: Oh dear... Mancala: I'll pay you 30 zenny and three photos of Ozma in the buff if you side with me instead. Deima: Hiro! Be a man! Pick a side! Hiro: WHAT?! Why does this chapter hate me?! The game pull a fast one here by presenting you a five-way prompt, the options being: I side with Ozma I side with Kimyawa I side with Mancala I side with Deima or I have three remaining transformations! But you don't actually get the chance to pick any of these as the prompt is immediately taken away from you. The astute hex editors among you will notice that even if you did try to run the prompt, it'll just cue the next event anyway. The camera pans up a little, above the dust cloud the cat fight erupts into as Ceuri, one of the Heavenly Kings of the Dark Puddings, casually strolls right in and grabs the Wind Talisman from the vault stand. Ceuri: Thanks for the gift! Bye-bye now! Hiro: No! That was one of the Dark Puddings we saw!! Girls! Girls, stop! We have bigger problems to deal with!! Ozma: We sure DO! How do you even stand upright with that frame, you damned coconut tree?! Mancala: Don't talk smack to her, you roid-raging berserker! You have like the second-largest melons in this game!! Kimyawa: Baka! Baka! Jealousy is NOT kawaii! Deima: Hey, all this in-fighting gives me an idea for a new attack! I call this Hissatsu Zenkai Suki!!! Hiro: DEIMA, NO!!! And the entire screen whites out with a violent explosion sound effect. You're then informed that Deima's hilariously over-powered Hissatsu Zenkai Suki attack is unlocked now. The scene fades back in with the party in the castle's traction ward, everyone laid out. Deima: Gela-gela-gela! That was fun! We really needed to get that inter-party tension out! Loyroll: You're insane. You nearly killed us all, y'know... Ozma: But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel rather refreshed after all that. Kimyawa: Hai! Mancala: Now that you mention it... Here, we're informed that the new team-wide attack Girl Power (JP: Lovely Dancing Cherry Blossom Unyielding Death Force) has been unlocked. You can use it when your front line is the four ladies of our party. It deals massive, non-element magic damage to all enemies and runs the risk of inflicting Red on enemies. Hiro: Not my idea of fun. And because we were busy bickering amongst ourselves, they got away with the Wind Talisman! Loyroll: A most un-fabulous turn of events, put mildly. What's the plan? Hiro: This can't be ignored. We'll have to pursue. Nagi walks in from the door. Nagi: We're, uh, awful sorry for the turn of events. Here. Take this. Hiro gets the Dreamcatcher Mirror. Hiro: This is...? Nagi: It allows one to view and to subsequently enter peoples dreams. It is a legendary artifact and treasure of our kingdom and my small way of saying: please, never come here again. You are officially persona au gratin. Hiro: But that means-- Mancala: Shh. Just... let her dream. At this point, there's actually two last areas in this chapter and we can tackle them in basically any order we want. But let's the worse of the two first and get it out of the way. But first, to ease our pain, we can go noodling in a nearby well and find the PDGShld for Hiro. If we travel to the river encircling Toruble, we can also get the PGDArmr for him. There will be more of this later, but it's a tremendous boost in defense and one he can carry to the final boss. Now we need to go to Mermania, go north to the mainland, then head west a ways until we hit the Miner Reservation, Diggould. Around here, though, if you head south through the small forested area, you can find another Pudding Shrine! This one is a little different, in that if you do not have the Pudding Shield, you can't enter here. Inside, Hiro is split from the party by a transparent barrier and meets with a spirit inside. Hiro: Alright. I'm ready for this. Spirit: Welcome, Hiro, Son of Pudding. I am St. Tastius. In order to take your abilities one step further, you must meet my challenge head-on. Are you ready? Hiro: Almost. I have one question first before we do. St. Tastius: Okay. Ask away. Hiro: St. Tastius? Are you serious? More like St. Tasti-less. St. Tastius: You're going to fight a giant emu now. Hiro: Wait, what?

-Boss Fight!- Giant Emu LP: 25,000 MP: 5000 Well, at least he was being honest. Giant Emu is fast and will usually take its turn before Hiro who, as usual, cannot use a Pudding Form worth using and thus must prioritize healing as necessary to ensure the next round is not fatal. The biggest challenge here is that while Giant Emu lacks special attacks, it will sometimes follow up its normal attack with “Pancake Batter”, a follow-up move that deals 80% damage too, meaning Hiro is going to be bleeding LP throughout this battle. Heal often and if you picked up any attack items, now might well be the time to utilize them! -Boss Fight!- Hiro: That was... okay. Well, tell me, what amazing ability fusion has this granted me? St. Tastius: The newest member of your party may now fuse with you to create the Trout Pudding Fused Form. Hiro: Sounds good. What's it do? St. Tastius: It will always deal critical damage to fish-type enemies! Hiro: … And? St. Tastius: What? Hiro: And what else? Fish-type enemies only appear in one area of the game and we've been through there like a dozen times now. What else does it do? St. Tastius: … Hiro: Oh gods, that's it, isn't it? You just used this as a filler dungeon! St. Tastius: Yeah. Sorry. Better luck next time. Hiro: What the hell is Trout-flavored Pudding anyway?! Good grief... Sadly, the description is apt. It will do critical to fish-type enemies, but will not effect other types at all. This pudding power is absolutely worthless. Anyway, now we can go to Diggould proper. Which is a literal hole-in-the-ground. Deima: Ah. Diggould. This is a town filled with miners. “Town” might be a stretch though. “Civilization” is also kinda pushing it. Hiro: What's wrong with this place? Deima: Well, look at it. It's a literal hole. There's not even electricity and A/C! Hiro: But that wasn't even invented until the Industrial Revolution and this is a swords-and-sorcery setting! Deima: Yeah. Sure it is. Cough. Hiro: I really hate it when you guys speak aloud onomatopoeia. Just sayin'... Miner: Howdy, folks. Welcome to Diggould, proud capital of the miners. Deima: Is it REALLY a capital when it's the only city you have to your name? Miner: Sure it is! You could even say... it's a CAPITAL CITY! … Get it? 'Cuz... capital can also mean “good”? Deima: So, as I was saying, I don't like this place... We're then free to explore the holes in the wall that pass as buildings here and even get Loyroll the DigrPNTS to make up for his not getting any armor upgrades recently. Once we explore the room on the right, we see Moore the Miner from before, laying asleep in a bed. Mayor: Oh! Guests! Forgive our poor demeanor. We have quite a pickle on our hands and, seeing as you're here, maybe you could lend us a hand! Hiro: Sure! Deima: [Sigh]. Okay. Mayor: So, our dear Lead Miner, Moore, has fallen into a deep sleep and we can't find means to awaken him! We fear a terrible curse is placed upon him! Hiro: I think we have just the ticket! At this point, the conversation would just very abruptly end if you came here before finishing ToneLand's story line. But as we have the Dreamcatcher Mirror, Hiro insists on butting in. He goes to Moore and holds up the mirror. Hiro: I see... a giant, burning middle finger? No, wait, that's a field. … Lined with skeletons. Kimyawa: Miner-kun was REALLY into heavy metal. Mayor: HEY-YO! Kimyawa: Nani? … Oh. I get it. Heavy. Metal. He's a miner. Mayor: Now you're getting into the spirit of our sophisticated sense of humor. Kimyawa: … Hiro: I see an island and a tower in the north. This is no ordinary dream. It looks as though some terrible force is keeping him locked in his sleep. We may have to use the mirror to enter in and directly intervene. Deima: You better be glad you're at least an 8, or I wouldn't even entertain the notion. Ozma: He's a solid 9, 10 if you get rid of those braids! Kimyawa: Dame desu, the braids are kawaii! Hiro: Hm? Did you three say something? Deima: No, nothing at all. Hiro: Alright. Let's prepare and enter into Moore's Dream! Prepare yourself and check Moore again. Hiro will hand the mirror to a miner NPC, and the team warps in, arriving via a singular bed. Hiro: OH GODS, MY MOST OF ME!!! Why am I on the very bottom?! Ozma: Wow. I didn't know you could even balance so many people on one bed! Kimyawa: Onee-chan! Please to be getting off me now, onegai! Loyroll: What an inconvenient mode of transport. Usually I'd consider the bed a gateway to many wonderful things, but this is not what I had in mind... The party quickly files out and are met by a generic miner sprite. Miner: You have to help! Moore's in trouble! Hiro: Yes. We gathered as much. Miner: His very personality was shattered and scattered across his subconscious mind! Deima: Miner's have personalities? Kimyawa: Deima-chan! Deima: What? You were thinking it too. Miner: This is the settlement of Hartmann, a safe haven. This is once where his entire personality resided, but since the coming of a great evil, they have been sent all across this world. Please, find them and reunite them, so we may form Courage, and fight back! Hiro: Sounds like a plan. Where shall we go from here? Miner: The evil awaits you in Freud's Tower in the north, but without Courage, it remains unassailable. You should go through Jung's Field to the east, and explore Skinner's Hut, and don't forget Bandura's Woods! Hiro: Okay. Let's explore those areas first then. The first area we can go to is Jung's Field... so let's not go there. Instead, hang east a little further to go to Skinner's Hut, a perfectly cubical house. Inside, we see Moore. Moore: Me? I'm not Moore, you fuckstick. I'm Anger! Hiro: I didn't even say anything. Could you dial it back a little? Moore: HELL NO! I'm Anger! Hiro: Oh. Right. So, can you come with us? Moore: You trying to tell me what to do, pretty boy? I'll mess you up so bad... uhh... so bad, that YOU'LL WISH I DIDN'T MESS YOU UP SO BAD! Hiro: Apparently Wit isn't here with Anger. Moore: I WILL CRUSH Y-- Ozma punches Anger in the gut, dropping him like a stone. Ozma: There. We can drop him off in Hartmann when we go there next. Hiro: A little... sudden, but it does work! Got Moore's Anger! Now we can go to Bandura's Woods, where annoying Psyche Munchkins appear, alongside HypnOwls, both of whom can put the party to sleep. This is annoying more than dangerous. If you wheel through the forest a bit, you'll find another Moore within. Moore: A-bloo-bloo-bloooo... Hiro: Um. Are you okay? Moore: I-I'm Sad! Hiro: So I see. Moore: No, I'm Sadness. Like, the emotion. W-without the others, all I can do is hide away and c-cryyy! Abloo-bloo-bloo. Ozma: Hiro, this may require a woman's touch. Ozma goes to Sadness, placing a hand on his shoulder. Moore: A-are you here to tell me that everything's going to be okay and pet me on the head? Ozma: No, it's just your voice is super annoying, so stop crying or I'm gonna deck you. Get in the car, loser, we're finding Courage. Got Moore's Sadness! Now, we can head north to Pavlov's Pavilion. And here's where that insidious international release censorship rears its head in a big way. In the Japanese, the pavilion was a casino, filled with gambling minigames and voluptuous chimera-women who insist they'll sleep with anyone who is up for a “romp” with them. You open the door to the next emotion by gambling enough tokens until you get 250 and paying to access it. In the international versions, however, this place is a technicolor candy land, where penguins, rabbits, puppies, and kittens tell you how much they “wuv” you and give you candy hearts. Once you collect 25 candy hearts, you can ford the Strawberry River and the riverman, amusingly named Branches, ferries you across. Either way, Loyroll will protest the scene, either for being “boring” or for being “too saccharine”, depending on version, and insist he misses killing dinosaurs instead. Either way, the locked door opens and you'll find another emotion. Moore: Ugh. This place is gross. I can't stand it! And YOU! You were frolicking around in there! YOU'RE gross too! Kimyawa: Dame! You act all high and mighty, but you're the one who came here first! If you hate it so, then nandaiyo?! Maybe you're not so “above it all” either! Moore: ugh! You're just spilling out of your top! You're so gross! Have some respect for yourself! Kimyawa: My oppai are proud and bountiful! I represent the abundant harvest of autumn, baka! The emotion YOU need is “PRIDE”! You need to love yourself and surround yourself with those that love you! Then you'll realize you ARE beautiful, and need only live up to your own expectations, as high as you wish to set them! Moore: Ugh. Motivational speeches disgust me. Kimyawa: … [Snap]. Kimyawa grapples Disgust and German suplexes him, unlocking her new attack, uh, German Suplex, a terrifyingly powerful single-target skill that is calculated off her speed stat. Kimyawa: BAKA-BAKA-BAKA!!! Moore: Oooooogh... pretty stars... Got Moore's Disgust! Next, we can head to the small town, Vygotski, in the south where there's a consumable item shop and the next emotion and not much else. Moore: Wow! What a great day! Oh, hi there! I'm Moore's Joy! Deima: The hell're you so chipper about? Moore: What ISN'T there to be chipper about?! I'm in a wonderful town, and some wonderful new visitors are here! This is a chance to make new friends! Hiro: I like this guy. He's as blissfully naive as I once was. Good times... Moore: So, we're friends now, right? Let me accompany you! Hiro: Wow. If everyone in the world was like this, I wouldn't feel perpetually like the world is made of cardboard. And soaked in ethanol. And that the torch was thrust into my hands. Ozma: Hiro? A-are you okay? Hiro: Why, Pudding Elder? Why am I the hero? Emilia's the hero. I'm an accident. I was born because my mom can't hold her liquor. Deima: Oh dear. The weight of reality finally broke him. Kimyawa: Does this mean we have to go into Hiro-nii-chan's head? Loyroll: Let's put a raincheck on that for now, hm? Got Moore's Joy. And now, there will be no more joy, as we have to cross Jung's Field. Ugh. How do I put this... imagine a landmine field with no markers and lots and lots of landmines. The landmines also reset after detonating. And they do this infinitely. And the safe road across is about 2 blocks wide. And the METHOD FOR DOING THIS PUZZLE WAS REMOVED IN THE INTERNATIONAL VERSION! Welcome to Amazing Quest 1's worst dungeon! So, in the Japanese version, there was a yellow face icon that would appear at the bottom of the screen. As you progressed, his eyes would point towards the nearest mine. If you were one step away from a mine, he'd get this psychotic, shit-eating grin, warning you that you were close. You could use this to parse the path without ever taking damage fairly reliably. Why did they remove this? I don't know. Why did Jaydea get drunk on a non-alcoholic drink in AQ2? The world will never know. The sole catharsis to be found here is that at the midway point, we find that yellow-faced smiling jackass and he's the boss of this area. -Boss Fight!- Dost Mine Eyes LP: 35,000 MP: 10,000 Oh, this fight. How do I explain this fight. The short version would just be the words “NOT FUN” repeated about 20,000 times. But to be more exact, DME here not only mocks you throughout with lines like “Are we having fun yet?” and “Take it easy!” as he attacks you. When he says “Look out!” he hurls a series of bombs at you, and like another Jeffcom+DTK series, which shall remain nameless, there is no defense against bombs. They just do craptons of damage. In fact, that's kind of this guy's thing. He doesn't have a means to inflict status ailments, but he has tons of health and his defense is the highest by far that we've yet seen and all his attacks are seriously OP. The one upside is all of his damage is calculated as physical damage, so if you rebalance your defense acKordingly, you can help mitigate the damage dealt. There's a reason this guy became a meme in the fandom for moments of the series that are horrifically imbalanced and not fun. -Boss Fight!- Thankfully, upon his defeat, the mines in the area are cleared out, and we're allowed to move north to the last emotion. Moore: I-I'm not going out there! It's too scary! Loyroll: If you mean the buffoon with the terrifying face, we took care of him already. Moore: The world is too scary! I'm just gonna hide here. I think it's the least-scary place. Loyroll: Boy, listen to me and listen well. Fear will always be with you. It is a phantom that insists on riding astride your shoulder for your entire journey of life. And that's okay. Because the ultimate dance of fates will not be casting fear off, but embracing it as a part of who you are, and mastering it. THAT, in truth, is “courage”! You, as Fear, are not antithetical to bravery, you are, in fact, its very core! Moore: W-wow! Despite being a foppish poof, you make a really good point! Loyroll: I prefer to think of myself as “fabulous”, thank you very much... But you know what I do when I become scared? I freak fear the fuck out!!! Hiro: He's not kidding. That's actually what he does. Moore: Meep! I better get back to Hartmann! I-I think I hear the others calling for me! Got Moore's Fear! With this, we have all of Moore's scattered emotions back at Hartmann! Go back now and you'll see many, many copies of Moore here, including a few not named in the international version. Moore: Thank you all. Thanks to you, we can reunite ourselves and find Courage! Then we'll be able to launch our counterattack on the evil in Freud's Tower! All the Moore pile onto one square as the screen whites out, revealing the completed Moore, Courage. Moore: Alright! At last, I feel ready to go! Hiro: Great! Welcome to the team, Moore! Moore joins the party! … It's just a damn shame his stats are terrible. His physical stats are eclipsed by Ozma, his magic stats are over-shadowed by Deima, and his few skills are weaker versions of Kimyawa's and Loyroll's. His HP is lower than Hiro's and he has only enough MP to launch two casts of any of his abilities! Seriously, JeffCom, are you TRYING to make your fans hate you? At any rate, it's time to visit the unfortunately-shaped Freud's Tower! As the party approaches, they see the tower seems to shift in and out of existence, almost like actually viewing a dream in physical space. Hiro: It... it's growing?! Moore: And it's shaped like a plump helmet! Loyroll: It's really getting huge! Kimyawa: Sugoi... Deima: I've seen better. Enter the tower. The walls shift in and out of visibility here, but retain their solid qualities, meaning that the tiny 1-block-wide paths that you must navigate aren't even in view half the time. This place should be called “Test of Patience Tower”, or perhaps Testy Tower for short. HEY-YO! Obvious jokes aside, you just navigate it until you find an armored man standing in front of some stairs. Man: Ho-ho! You'll not go a step further! Hiro: Did you do this to Moore? Answer, Dark Pudding dog! Man: Dog?! You dare address the great Praetorian Soh as a dog?! Hiro: Oh, geez, not another one of you guys... Soh: The great Heavenly King, Modt, entrusted to me-- wait, did you just say “another”? Hiro: Yeah, there were these other Praetorian guys I ran into earlier... don't really recall their names. Soh: So you are the ones who brutally ended the reign of glory that Praetorian Doh, Rei, Mih, and Faa battled so brilliantly for! My brothers-in-arms! I shall avenge their untimely deaths! Kimyawa: One was a woman! Soh: I was speaking poetically. Now, you shall face the unparalleled might of the Burning Soh! Hiro: What kind of dastardly trick do you have?! Soh: Trick? No. I shall explain my powers in-full, thus that we may fight as honorable men of valor! Kimyawa: And women of valor! Soh: Yes, that too! My power... witness and tremble!! Soh then bursts aflame as he removes his helmet, revealing a chiseled visage and bald, shining head. Soh: Yes! I see you are left speechless by my overwhelming abilities! Many have had that reaction to this unstoppable force before y-- Hiro: So, that's it? You ignite yourself? Soh: I... um... well, yes. It's a very powerful attack. Deima: Actually, we've fought fire-themed monsters before now. Hiro: Didn't that one guy have the power to harden his body like armor? Now that was a power to respect. Ozma: I'll say. Or the guy who summoned lightning. I liked that one, myself. Kimyawa: Jiji-chan, is that why you don't have hair anymore? Did you singe it all off?! Soh: What?! No! I-I have eyebrows! See? And do you have any idea how long it takes to learn to not only set yourself on fire, but not hurt yourself doing so?! A long time, that's what! Loyroll: So, when you shower, does it just become steam? Is every bath a steam bath? Soh: No! That's not how this works!!! Oh, gods, this is not going like I imagined it would... Mancala: Oh, I got one! He must be a... hot commodity! Ooooooh! Soh: That tears it. You're all dead. -Boss Fight!- Praetorian Soh LP: 45,000 MP: 5000 So, Soh is just a so-so battle, so there's really nothing in particular so great about Soh. He can use different fire spells and cause damage over time with burns, but if you got some aloe vera in ToneLand, that's a non-issue. Plus Mancala's water-based abilities and Ozma's ability to debuff defense works as a great two-fer in this battle. Hiro may ultimately play more a support role this time around! So, Soh realizes you reap what you sow! -Boss Fight!- Soh: My brothers... and sister... I'm sorry. I... I have failed you. There remains but two who may reclaim our honor now. The joke's on you, foolish Light Puddings... there is no way out of this maze. You'll wander its halls alongside my spirit for all of eternity... Deima: For a bunch of cowards who chose to pick on people who live in literal holes in the dirt, they retain a high degree of pride. Mancala: Yes, but why? He said this was a direct order from Modt, so there must've been a strategic gain in doing so. We need to investigate further! Hiro: Hey, guys, if we go up the stairs here, we can get out! Loyroll: Seems he was mistaken in telling us there was no means out. What a pointless interlude. The party returns to Moore's room, no worse for wear. Moore: I had... a long, strange dream. Deima: Believe us, we know. We saw it. Kimyawa: We saw everything. Moore: Um. S-so, obviously, the only way to repay you is to join you on your quest! As a miner, I can open holes in select places on the map! Hiro: That sounds selectively useful. Welcome to the team, Moore! Again? Moore: A-are you going to put me on the bench again? Hiro: Yeah, probably, if we're just being honest here. Moore: It's okay. I'm kind of a booty guy myself. Kimyawa: Baka hentai!!! Stare at your own risk!!! We then depart and head hard south for a while. Eventually, it starts snowing as we enter a small hamlet named Heat. Deima: Haha! These people have a great sense of irony! Hiro: I dunno. I've never heard of people bagging on their own town when they named it. Something seems out of place. Old Man: You got that right, sonny boy! This is one of the toastiest tropical paradises on Earth, but since that dastard Modt moved into the Weather Station, we've been in a deep freeze! Hiro: Does... this town only exist to solidify Modt as a proper villain? Old Man: pardon? Hiro: I mean... the first heavenly king was about to bring a countryside to its knees with his mad science chemistry set. But now that we're here, Modt's rap sheet kind of has the sum total of “mild inconveniencing a single guy in a single town”. Moore: Hey... Hiro: Just thinking out loud here. Ozma: Even so, we can't let his reign of... mild inconvenience stand. We should go to the Weather Station and sort this mess out. So, head to the Weather Station. It's on top of the hill, to the south-east. You can access it by going south, then heading north up the slope. The Weather Station is a large, white tower, because that's a unique motif in this franchise. Inside are mazes that try to differentiate themselves from the Freud Tower and fail. Each of them has a different weather motif, like rain, clouds (which has a very nice reflective motif, as the floor is lightly coated in water), and ice sliding puzzles. The problem is that these motifs don't actually add very much and these concepts were done far more interestingly in the Cognami “Our UV Radiation!” series of GBA games. At the top floor, Modt awaits us, floating menacingly in front of a machine not dissimilar to the one we saw in the quake control room. Hiro: Give it up, Modt, you're surrounded and trapped with no where to go. Give up peacefully and face justice for your crimes or we'll resort to violence. Deima: Which would be faster. And... y'know... a lot more fun. Modt: Oh-ho, threatening me, are we? Well, little do you know my true power is drawing things from MY dream world into this reality! Ozma: What does that amount to? Modt: Uh. Hot girls, mostly. Moore: Mm... Moore nods sagely here. Modt: Okay, that's not going to fly here. Very well! I'll try a DIFFERENT TACTIC! Hiro: Say what now? Modt rears back and slams into Hiro, knocking him flat. Ozma: Hiro?! Deima: Dammit, that little rat! He was ready for this! Grab that damnable mirror and let's get after him!! Loyroll flashes the mirror, which fires a laser beam, blackening Hiro's face comedically. Loyroll: Oops. Sorry. Two legendary mirrors and all. Got 'em confused. Loyroll flashes the other mirror, which causes the screen to white out again as they enter... a recolored, slightly-rearranged version of Moore's subcon island... God, I hate this stretch of the game. There's only two landmarks, though, a town where you can rest and buy items, all stationed by copies of Hiro. To the north is... ugh... another white tower where Modt awaits us. Have I mentioned that I hate this stretch of the game? Cuz I do. Anyways, the Tower of Doubt tries some unique maze shenanigans, like spinning the camera randomly (useless as your party remains pointed in the same direction anyway), and teleport maze (which isn't complicated at all) and some other things. What's actually interesting here is that, in various rooms, we see shadows of Hiro and other characters speaking. In the entryway we get: Ozma: Wh-what's that? Shadow Hiro: I'm not the savior of our tribe. I couldn't even save my sister or my hometown from the Dark Puddings. People died because I was weak. Kimyawa: Hiro-ni-chan... Then, in the stairwell: Shadow Hiro: Towns are falling in around me. I can't stop this senseless destruction. Why... why can I not stop them?! Deima: I see... this is the manifestation of Hiro's inner demons. Naturally, Modt would come here to find weaknesses. Ozma: … On the second floor's largest room: Shadow Emilia: You mustn't give up! We can save them! Shadow Hiro: I can't! You know that already, Emilia, so why? Do you just like hitting me that much?! Shadow Emilia: … Well, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a little schadenfreude involved... Shadow Hiro: Just stop it. You're the savior of our tribe. I'm... just a mistake. Shadow Hiro walks away, throwing down a wooden, training sword. Loyroll: Seems our fearless leader is quite the basket case. Kimyawa: He's tearing himself apart... Here, we pick up the key item, Memory of Emilia, from the training sword. At the stairwell to the third floor: Ozma: Is that... me? Deima: More likely, it's the way he views you... Shadow Ozma: I have the weight of a kingdom riding on me... so I must be strong enough to shoulder this burden. Shadow Hiro: If I let her down... then I'm letting down an entire kingdom again...! I can't... I'm not strong enough...!!! Damn it!!! Shadow Hiro falls to his knees. Shadow Ozma fades away, leaving a round object on the floor. Shadow Hiro: Ozma, I'm sorry... Ozma: … Sniff, hic... Hiro, don't apologize... From the round object, you get Memory of Ozma. At the T-intersection on the third floor: Kimyawa: Onii-chan, it's us! Loyroll: This will give us fascinating insight to our relationship. Shadow Kimyawa: Hallo, alter brueder! Ich bin die fraulein mit die grosse brueste! Shadow Loyroll: FAAAAAABULOOOOOUS!!! Loyroll: I feel like I should be offended here, but he did use my favorite word so... Kimyawa: Etto... Shadow Kimywa: I'm never going to give up! I'll remain perky and ready 'til the very end! Shadow Loyroll: The pride of my tribe spurs me on to greater heights! But if you want my best weapons, you'd best pony up... Shadow Hiro: How... you guys are always together, and you never stop trying... but when the chips were down, I couldn't do anything to save my own sister... Loyroll: Ah, Hiro, always making mountains of molehills. Deima: Tee-hee. She said “perky”. And you said “mountains”. Kimyawa: He thinks so highly of us but so lowly of himself... poor Hiro-nii-chan. The two shadows leave behind twin blades, which are Memories of Loyroll and Memories of Kimyawa. At the stairwell to the fourth floor, a shadow of Deima, holding a fish bowl in her hands is there. Deima: Ah, the interesting part! Shadow Deima: I, mighty sorceress and ally of the Pudding tribe, shall aid you for now, unworthy successor. Deima: ! I... never said anything of the sort!!! Is that how little you think of me, boy?! Shadow Fish: HOLLA HOLLA GET DOLLA!!! Mancala: Wait, is that supposed to be me?! That son of a bitch!!! The Shadows of Deima and Mancala leave behind twin rods, which you collect as Memories of Deima and Memories of Fish. That's not a mistranslation, that's the actual item name. With these, we can go to the fourth final floor, which is comprised of two rooms. The first has the last shadow scene. Shadow Hiro: My friends depend so much on me, but I'm just a failure. In the end, I'll just let everyone down again. From the day I was born, no one minded me because Emilia was the destined, chosen pudding hero. Surrounded by people at all times, I have never felt so utterly alone. Ozma: I can't believe he's felt this way the whole time and never told us. Loyroll: Perhaps it was merely that I'm the only one who actually pays attention around here, but he was being pretty obvious about his feelings from the start. Maybe you were just hearing what you wanted to hear. Deima: … Tch. Kimyawa: I-I think that's him up ahead! Mancala: Is Modt already there?! Don't tell me we're too late! I really need to smack him one!!! Ozma: Hiro or Modt? Mancala: Yes. The party proceeds forward after collecting “Memories of Self” and finds Modt and Hiro. Modt is openly weeping and Hiro is talking. Hiro: And that's when I realize that no matter how hard I try, I'll still end up dying scared, tired, and alone – as I lived, unloved and hopeless! Modt: OH GODS ABOVE MAKE THIS GUY STOP TALKING ALREADY!! Ozma: Hiro! We're here to, um... save you? Mancala: Actually, it looks like Modt is about ready to concede. Modt: Oh, thank goodness, you're here! Can you shut this guy up?! Hiro: But, I mean, I figured you were in my head anyway. I figured I'd go ahead and make my internal monologue external! Feels good to get it off my chest! Modt: Oh, to hell with it. I'll just summon your worst fears and crush you all! Some very strange creatures begin raining in from above. Hiro assumes the fetal position here as his eyes bug out. Modt: Wait... what are those things?! Hiro: Oh gods, no! Spiders with baboon heads!! Modt: … what?! Hiro: Emilia told me about them when I was little! They build nests on your roof and slowly inch their way down at night. They steal little kids and take them away to live in jungles and eat spider-bananas! But every time I try to climb I tree, I fall out and hurt myself! I could never survive in that kind of judgmental culture!!! Modt: What?! What is wrong with you?! Why is everything wrong with you?! Ozma: Hiro, it's okay. Hiro: Huh? Ozma: Hiro... come here. Ozma kneels and hugs Hiro. Hiro: … Um. Ozma: Everyone has fears and doubts. And none of us stand alone. We all have our quirks and eccentricities. Some of us are even Loyroll. Loyroll: Heh! Jealousy is unbecoming of you, princess! Ozma: But that's okay. Because we love you not despite your weaknesses, but in part, because of them. Mancala: Except me. I'm still pretty sore. Ozma: These memories are themselves, sacred treasures, and so is our friendship. Stop exalting us by condemning yourself. When you hurt, we hurt. Mancala: Again, except me. Ozma: Stand up, Hiro. Hiro and Ozma rise. Ozma: 'cuz it's time to KICK SOME ASS!!! Modt: Oh, dammit!!! -Boss Fight!- Heavenly King Modt LP: 50,000 MP: 25,000 Here, Hiro will automatically replace anyone you had in the first party slot, so be mindful of your alignment as you enter. As an interesting note, this battle does not actually play the Heavenly Kings' shared theme song: Steel Gauntlet. It actually play's Hiro's theme song: Blade that Shapes the Stars, which was remixed in later games into the better-known version: King of Pudding. Modt is by far the weakest and least-interesting of the Heavenly Kings, befitting his role in the story. He tries to inflict ennui on the party to try to control their movement, but it seems to have a low rate of success for some reason. Your best bet is to use Kimyawa and Loyroll's dual tech, if they're a high enough level to have it, the Double Downward Dog, which deals high light-based damage which Modt has no base resistance towards. I typically use the Chocolate-Raspberry Swirl, and use Hiro and Ozma's combined raw strength, due to a hidden, unexplained gimmick Modt has, as his elemental resistances go up when hit by magic and down when hit by physical damage. However, this is done by a very slight multiplier value, and as his light resist is 0, it will never change. He has no attacks that are major threats to a party that hasn't been running from every other fight. -Boss Fight!- Modt: God... damn... it! Seriously. This is how I die? In the head of some manic-depressive douchebag with an inferiority complex?! This sucks!!! Modt then explodes, violently hurling the party from Hiro's mind, causing them to re-appear in the Weather Station and Hiro to bolt upright. Hiro: EVEN IN MY HEAD?! Loyroll: Are you still on about that? Hiro: Yeah, but, in my HEAD?! Deima: I just checked the console. This looks like it's where the Wind Talisman was stored before it ended up in ToneLand. The damage was reversible and so, I think Heat should be thawed out now. Hiro: Everyone... thank you. I owe you a lot. Mancala: Yes you do. Hiro: Yes. Even you, Mancala. Mancala: Seriously. “Holla, holla, get dolla”? Hiro: In my defense, you did shill me as soon as you met me. Hiro gained: Confidence! Here, the memory items break down and become stat ups which make Hiro's pudding swirl forms even stronger! We now can use the exit warp. When we do, we end up in Heat's town square, which has indeed thawed and now is a tropical paradise! Hiro: Oh, thank goodness. Last time I tried to use one of those, it blew up! The people in town thank you profusely, and if you go noodling in the stream here, you'll obtain the PDNGCape accessory, rounding out Hiro's defenses. Now, we can travel through the waterfall in the south to move through to a new town, Warudo, only to see the inhabitants apparently walk backwards here. Trying to speak to them is useless as everything they say is written backwards. There's only one NPC we can speak to who won't just say “B+TCELES SSERP”. NPC: I returned from a hunting trip a few days ago and everyone is like this now. Talking to them is useless, they don't even seem to see us. Deima: There's powerful magic at work here. They're moving backwards through time, but also in a fixed loop. The only way to free them would be to destroy the source of the spell that put them in this condition in the first place. NPC: Oh, the only magically-aligned place around here would be the Clock Tower. Hiro: Is it a large, white, nondescript tower on a hill? NPC: Yes, why? Hiro: No reason. Loyroll: The Clock Tower, hm? Let's investigate. As there's no items to steal here, we move on to the east to yet another tower because good game design. The tower's primary gimmick are large clock buttons on the floor which run time forward or backward as you stand there. This will cause walls and other obstacles to be built, collapse, or change and you need to seek out the most effective means through by moving the dungeon forward or backward in time. Though, JeffCom apparently got tired of this motif after a while, as the dungeon actually only runs three floors before you reach the top. There, Ceuri awaits us. Ceuri: You! How did you escape my time loop?! Hiro: Uh. We were no where near it when you cast it. And you should know that for a fact, as you saw us in ToneLand when you stole the Wind Talisman. Ceuri: Uh. Um. Yes. Well, details! No one else in Warudo was spared! Kimyawa: Actually, there was one guy. Ceuri: Oh, son of a bitch, how many other people manage to conveniently avoid my spell, then?! Moore: Well, you missed my entire village AND the entire next village over. Ceuri: Yes, well, Modt called dibs and-- Modt's dead now, isn't he? Ozma: Do we even need to clarify that? Ceuri: … Ugh. It's hard to be the only competent person standing. Fine! Whatever. Let me just check in on what the hell's happening... A viewing portal opens in the middle of the room, showing the generic NPC from before. Ceuri: GASP! Hiro: Not you too! Ceuri: It's... it's Bob! Hiro: Who? Ceuri: My only friend from my childhood! Mancala: Oh no, we're going this direction, aren't we? Ceuri: My lady-feels demand I now RIP THE HELL OUT OF SPACE/TIME!!! Hiro: Oh boy... The party is sucked into the rift and very violently deposited out into an open field. Or, rather, Hiro is deposited here alone. In a very long stretch way from Warudo. Also, every single enemy here knows instant-death abilities. Because good game design! So, once you get into one random encounter and party wiped, you'll warp to the save point in Warudo at the low, low cost of half your currencies! I'm so glad chapter 6 is almost done. When you reunite with the others, they begin talking. Bob: Oh, looks like it's Ceuri causing this chaos. Sorry 'bout that. Yeah, she's always been a handful. Hiro: How did she even do this? Isn't that the talisman of wind? Not SPACE/TIME?! Bob: She's a chimera, you see, so she has, like, magic. Hiro: … Magic. Just... magic sufficient to rip time? Bob: Yup. Hiro massages his temples. Bob: Maybe I should go talk to her. Maybe we can convince her to stop this of her own volition. Hiro: Yeah, that's worked well so far. Let's go with his plan. Kimyawa: Not like we had anything better than that... Hiro: I'm being sarcastic. This plan is terrible. Bob: A'ight. Let's go. Hiro: Ugh. So, we traverse the Clock Tower again, doing the same puzzles again. Bob: Ceuri! Ceuri: Bob! Bob: Ceuri, could you... maybe stop? Ceuri: Hm. I mean, I could do that. Hiro: Really? Ceuri: No. Hiro: Figures. Bob: Pretty please? Ceuri: I have my thumb on their very pulses! I could advance their aging instantly and kill them all! Would you want that? Mancala: Shit, this escalated quickly. Loyroll: Wouldn't that also speed up them having marriages and children and just usher in a very fast-growing next generation? Ceuri: No, because reasons. Loyroll: But no matter the speed, wouldn't they still just experience it at what they perceive to be the “normal” pace because everyone else around them is too? Ceuri: I SAID NO! Loyroll: Just trying to help you out... Ceuri: That's it, my lady-feels demand RETRIBUTION! Bob: But our happy childhood that we'll never show the players-- Ceuri: I said NO, God damn it! Bob: Well, 'k. -Boss Fight!- Chimera Ceuri LP: Doesn't matter MP: Ditto This isn't a real boss fight. It just goes on a set number of turns as Ceuri turns into a big ol' gargoyle thing with huge clawed hands and wings. Just block for a few turns and this will end itself. -Boss Fight!- Ceuri: That's it, if you don't GTFO, those people are dust! Mancala: … It's too much. We gotta fall back for now. Deima: Holy crap, the tension is so high that even Mancala has developed a conscience! The party flees, or tries too, but gets put in another time warp, dropping them outside the tower again. The door is locked with the ominous phrase “Ceuri has made this door as closed as her mind is”. At this point, we fall back to town. Bob: This is pro'lly my fault for reasons I won't ever expound upon. Hiro: This would be a lot easier if you could explain your childhood friendship, you know. Bob: I know. But I'm not gonna. But the humans here didn't like her, because she was a chimera. Deima: Wait, is this franchise really going to a “xenophobia is bad” message here? Bob: Yup. Why? Deima: Oh. No reason. Bob: So, they threw her out. But I was friends with her. Somehow. Don't really care to explain any more. Kimyawa: Ah! Maybe a token of friendship from her past! Bob: Maybe Fruit. Hiro: Like a fruit basket? Bob: No, moron. Fruit. The specific one Fruit that's always capitalized. Hiro: So... not an apple or an orange. Just... Fruit. Bob: That's right. Grows on a tree south of here. Hiro: Well okay then... So now, you venture south to the peninsula, where you'll find a Fruit tree. Have Ozma punch it to obtain a Fruit. Now we can return to Clock Tower with Bob. Ceuri: That smell... could that be... Fruit?! Hiro: So she knows what it too? And by scent, apparently. So now we're informed that Ceuri's heart and the door lock have melted and we can go back in for the third time to face her at the top floor. Ceuri: I hurt Bob badly. He won't forgive me. Bob: I'm right here. Ceuri: I'm so tired of being evil. I'd rather be the stock cliché about the one female villain suddenly having a change of heart while her male compatriots are evil, soulless monsters. Hiro: Kinda makes me wonder why we're even here then. Ceuri: Here, take the Wind Talisman. Hiro: I... for serious? Wow. I, uh... I'm not used to things going my way. Or people listening to reason. Thanks! You got: Wind Talisman! Ceuri: Bob, can you ever forgive me? Bob: I've been thinkin'... lot of fish in the sea. … Bye. Bob walks out. As he does, Kord drives on screen. Kord: Heya! I've been talked about a lot, so I thought I'd stop by and-- oh, hey, I think I walked in on something... you guys okay? How's everyone doing? Hiro: Uhh. We're... we're good. Kord: Good! Glad to hear it. But, see, I haven't really done much of anything, except summon the Grim Reaper! And good job on beating him, by the way! Oh, Ceuri? Ceuri: Yeah? Kord: Here, I need to give you this. Ceuri: What's this? Kord: A pink slip. And this. Ceuri: I'm fired?! And what's THIS?! Kord: Notification to your next of kin. See, Jaydea doesn't take bad news very well. So... you kind of screwed the pooch in a big way. Deima: If no one minds, we're just gonna exist stage left. Kord: Oh, yeah, don't mind us! Just ironing out some internal politics! Hiro: But-- Deima: No buts. Go, go! The party arrives outside, and the entire freaking Clock Tower up and disappears. Hiro: … What was the point of this chapter? Deima: To remind everyone playing that this is a JeffCom game. C'mon, we only have two talismans remaining. The party moves off-screen. A moment after, Kord walks out of the crater where the Clock Tower used to be. Kord: Y'know, that was rude. Trying to erase me from space and time. That'd have been dangerous if it had been... y'know... actually dangerous. Stupid bint.

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 5

Chapter 5: My Little Sister can't be this Rig Vedic! (Before we go on, I got this from PalsOwnFire: "The Kimyawa minigame is actually the harder of the two options open to the AQ1 This is because, while it doesn't allow for later paths opened with the griffohump, it does grant Kimyawa massive stat bonuses, and also gives her the "KitsnCllr" an item which not only grants her even LARGER bonuses, but also reveals her darkest secret: That she too is a Chimera. Kimyawa: Since you have spent so much time to help me, I wanted you to know this... Hiro: Eh? Kimyawa: (Produces a fluffy tail) I'm actually a Chimera. My family doesn't like me showing it off. They say I should be a human. Hiro: I don't think much about it. Heck,I don't think there's a true human on our team... Kimyawa: Aaaaaw, Hiro-kun! (The two hug, as Ozma glares from a corner, with "The True Human" flaring over her) "So, yeah. It's kinda cute, not the "Monstrous misogynistic exercise in subjugation" that Amelia Sardinian, that Feminist e-celebrity, posits. Of course, this is also the minigame where Hiro dresses up in a jogging suit and quotes Rocky, so..." (We then get a cut-scene with Zoddon and Jaydea) Jaydea: So, brother. It seems that the Light Pudding dreck has gathered quite the army. He's captured two of the Talismans, and proceeds to trek towards Us even now. He seems quite driven. Zoddon: No matter. We still have the ace in the hole. How goes the Work to sway Toneland to our cause? Jaydea: (Cough) I'm working on it... Voice: GYAHAHAHAHA! Working it, you mean! Jaydea: Kodas! Show yourself! Kodas: Not just me! (Three shadows appear) Zoddon: Ah, your Four Heavenly Kings. Shadow: Four Kings and One Queen. Kodas: Then it removes the entire motif! Just roll with it, Ceuri! Ceuri: (Pouts) Jaydea: No matter, go take care of them! I'll be along in a moment. Zoddon: What exactly are you doing in Toneland? Jaydea: Ehehehe...Well... We then assume control of the party, at the far end of the racign bridge from Chapter 4. There, we're in a large desert. You'll note that the desert saps health slowly so long as you're on the sand. The trick is to go towards a cave to the southeast. Loyroll: This heat is oppressive! My hair is going to go limp! Kimyawa: Aaaaan! Hiro-kun, can't we do something? Ozma: Just suck it up, all of you, we can do this! Hiro: Ozma, you're beet red. Are you okay? Ozma: Erm... Hiro: Anyways, we need something to help us... Mancala: I KNOW! Hiro: You do? Mancala: Yes! It's a great treasure! But one thing. Only I can go to get it. The lands I'd be going to are secret! Loyroll: Ok. Ozma: Go ahead. We'll be here. Kimyawa: Hai! Resty-resty~. Hiro: I guess we're staying here. Mancala: (Pouts) Fine! You then control only Mancala. Proceed to the left, to a pool of water, which connects to the Oceans you were in before. Return to Mermania, and back to the Guild house. There, an elderly merman is crying. Talk to him to proceed. Merman: A bloo bloo bloo! Mancala: Guild Patriarch! What's the matter! Patriarch: Ah, Mancala. You're like a tax hike on my assets on top of this insane revenue cut that already has struck! Mancala: Oh no! Is there anything I can do? Patriarch: I'm not sure how, but my assets are being attacked. The Stone Lord Kord has summoned the Grim Reaper to slay all of my assets and plummet Mer Culture's economy into the Deep Trench! Mancala: OH NO! I must stop it! Patriarch: Psh. I don't see a conniving woman like you acting altruistically. Mancala: Hey! Eh, well, okay. But, I know someone who WILL! And you need me to get them!  Patriarch: I'll give you one hundred gold to get them to fight! (You then get a choice between accepting the money or haggling) Mancala: One hundred ? Pocket change. I'd have to swim aaaaall the way back, and that's hard. Patriarch: TWO hundred! (Another accept or haggle choice) Mancala: Two Hundred? Geez, that's hardly an improvement. I could make that setting up a lemonade stand. Patriarch: FOUR Hundred! (Yet another prompt) Mancala: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh... Patriarch: You're a giant, colossal bitch. EIGHT Hundred! Mancala: Mmmmm, deal! You then have to return the cave. You'll probably notice at this point, that Mancala on her own is pretty terrible in battle, but that's neither here nor there. Talk to Hiro to proceed. Mancala: Well, I have good news! Hiro: You found the item to let us travel across the Desert? Mancala: What? NO! I got us a job! Hiro: Wait, what were you doing? Mancala: Relax, I needed to grease some palms! If we do this, it'll be easier! Loyroll: And whose palms needed greasing? Mmmm? Mancala: Shut up, you greaser reject and help me! (Mancala returns to the party) Enter the pool that Mancala left from and return to Mermania. Talk to the Patriarch. Patriarch: These are your soldiers? They don't look so tough. Mancala: Relax. Where's this reaper? Patriarch: I last heard he was going to slay a Miner in Dun Falafel to the northeast. That miner owes me sixty trillion!  Mancala: We got this! Be sure to have the cash ready! Patriarch: Yeah, whatever. Go north, to the ridges north of Mermania. Follow those, and then go east when you can't go north any longer. You ought to find a cave by the coast. Welcome to Dun Falafel, City of Chimerae. --Dun Falafel-- Dun Falafel has an impressive upgrade set for everyone. Grab a OrichSbr for Hiro, KnklDst for Ozma, NOdhi for Kimyawa and FlSHST for Hiro and Loyroll. To find the Miner, he's in the west house. Chimera Doctor: There's no use. He's going to die in an hour. Chimera Nurse: But, doctor, all you did was check his pulse. Doctor: I think HIS presence makes it a foregone conclusion. Reaper: Hello. Miner Moore: Tell my ma I love her, wouldya? Doctor: Um, yeah, sure, kid. Reaper: Can you guys get this out of the way? I gotta reap this sumbitch. Doctor: By all means, Mr. Reaper. Mancala: STOP RIGHT THERE! Reaper: Mm? You'll try to stop me? But, why? Why stop a natural course? All die within time. Mancala: Why? WHY? FOR MONEY, OF COURSE! --Boss Battle!-- Grim Reaper x1 LP:12000 MP: 6000 Grim Reaper is an annoying jerk, because he spams DEATH, KILL and BREAK, all of which have chances to instantly kill people. Also, don't use any weapons that inflict death, such as the Decap Shuriken from Mermania, as they instantly restore him to full health. Just stock up on Smelling Salts, and he's no trouble. --Boss Battle!-- Reaper: Fine, fine, you crazy people can have him. I'm going to reap some old cat. Moore: Ah, shucks, thanks, folks! Kimyawa: Yatta~! Hiro: Okay, so we did what you asked. How does this get us an item to travel across the desert? Moore: Hello? Y'all listenin'? Mancala: Watch and learn, Hiro! Moore: Oh, y'all are leavin'. Okay, I'll be here...I'll just take a nap. (Return back to the Patriarch) Patriarch: I just heard! Congratulations, you she-devil, here's your cash. Mancala: Ah, here's the thing. I did so much work, so, now, the deal is the money AND the Magic Fan. Patriarch: Wait, what? Mancala: Oh, we can go back and kill that miner if you want? Patriarch: Fine, fine! Here's your fan! Now get the hell out! Hiro: Wow, Mancala. That was...decidedly mercenary. Mancala: Let's go, goons! Hiro: ... You then return to the desert, and entering it, Hiro holds the fan aloft and then switches it on. You now don't take damage, but there's now a large dust cloud flying around the desert. If you encounter it, you'll discover its source: the giant Dark Pudding motorized army. Dark Pudding Soldier: Sir! We found the Light Pudding Army! Praetorian Faa (A woman in oversized silver armor): Splendid! Inform Lord Kord. Dark Pudding Sir! Hiro: So, are they gonna come closer, or... (The Dark Puddings begin firing on the Party) Hiro: BACK TO THE CAVE! You're then returned to the cave from before. Hiro: We can't go back now. Where do we go? Go deeper into the cave. After dropping to the second floor, you'll find a hole. Drop into it to enter the Aero Spire. --Aero Spire-- The Aero Spire is a large cavern with small plateaus the party can walk on. Yu'll get prompts to jump over from one to another. The problem is the swinging blades that damage you should you get hit. On top of that, the enemies shift from the Giant Bats and Cave Trolls to Magik Munchkins and Ghost-o-mancers, magical enemies who love to attack you with party-wide spells. After reaching the end, you'll find a flashing phantom. Phantom: Halt, you cannot pass. Past here is the Ancient Sage. Ozma: Wait, like Ancient Sage that crafted the Talismans in the Long-ago Days? Phantom: Yes. However, to get to her, you need to get past me. Hiro: Seems fair, I guess. Phantom: R-really? Kimyawa: Pretty much, Dead-san. Loyroll: True! Phantom: O-okay, then. --Boss Battle!-- Phantom x1 LP: 18000 MP: 1000 Phantom is nothing new. He enjoys blasting you with light and earth spells, while occasionally striking you with Eghitr, a multi-hit physical skill which also has a high critical chance. Fight as you normally will --Boss Battle!-- Phantom: (Cough) You have proven your worthiness. You may proceed. (Inside is a large bed where a chimera woman is sleeping peacefully) Phantom: Oh, dear. She still hasn't awakened.  (He pokes her, claps his hands, and then smacks her with a pot. Nothign rouses her) Phantom: One second. GHOST! (A palette swap of Phantom appears) Ghost: Yes, Phantom? Phantom: We have Worthy Ones here. Help me wake her up. Ghost: You mean? Phantom: Yes. (The two then assume positions around her, and then blast her with electricity. The Woman jumps up.) Chimera: WHAT! WHO? Phantom: Mistress Deima, we have Worthy Ones here. Deima: Worthy, huh? (Peers at Hiro) Whaddya want, hot stuff? Hiro: Yes, well, um, we were stuck down here because of the Dark pudding Army, and... Deima: Dark Puddings. So, the time has come at last. I assume you're Light Puddings, then? Hiro: Well, I am, yes. Deima: Well, that settles it, then. I'm going to help. What we need is a Lava Worm. Hiro: ANOTHER fetch mission? Deima: Relax! I got it right here! (She produces a brown orb from behind her back) All we need to do is put it in a volcano! Now, the normal thing to do is to return to the surface and go south. NOT, go back to the volcanoes near Zaius and Heston, although that does merit a surfing minigame in the remake, where Hiro and company surf a stone slab over lava back towards the Desert. There, you'll enter Mt. Metalgi. --Mt. Metalgi-- The mountain is home to a good number of fire-themed enemies, including Flame Munchkins, Toasties, and Hella Goodbyes. From the start point, proceed east and north, as you work your way into the heart of the volcano. From there, Deima will drop the egg in. With that, walk out. Hiro: So, how do we know that it worked? Deima: Relax! It totally worked! (The Dark Pudding Army drives up) Faa: Ah, you just don't learn, do you? (The Volcano explodes, and a large writhing worm made of fire descends on the Army) Hiro: I suppose an apology is in order. Deima: Apology accepted. Soldier: OH GOD, IT'S EATING ME! Faa: (ICE SABERs the Volcano Worm, which explodes into steamy chunks) Soldier: I'M OKAY! Faa: GRRRR! MY ARMY! --Boss Battle!-- Praetorian Faa x1 LP: 22000 MP: 15000 Faa abuses Ice Armor and Ice Saber, skills which counterattack with Water-1 and a heavy physical water-themed attack. The best option to counter her is to throw up Kimyawa's Aqua Veil to lessen the oomph of her skills and abuse Loyroll's Whirl form with Hiro. Nothing too bad. --Boss Battle!-- Faa: AAAH! BROTHERS! I WILL JOIN YOU! (Explodes) Hiro: ... Ozma: Nothing? Hiro: No, I'm over it. Kimyawa: Sourpuss. Deima: Well, that's that. If you need anything else, feel free to call. Buh-bye! (Deima then leaves) Now, without any other obstacles, you can then go west across the desert. There, the terrain shifts into greenlands, with farms here and there. If you talk to the villagers, you'll learn that the Dark Puddings were using their technology to restore the desert to arable land, and there was a Dark Pudding Noble in the Hell Garden Keep further on. --Hell Garden Keep-- The overgrown castle is filled with plant monsters, making Kimyawa useful here with her many fire-themed attacks. Once you reach the second floor, you get to a large plaza, where four robed figures were line dancing with Jaydea. Hiro: Jaydea! Where's my sister? Jaydea: Four, five, six, seven, eight! Okay, guys. Looks like they finally came in.  (The four figures take off their robes, revealing a short, fat man in blue robes and a turban, a tall, blonde woman with long razoe nails, a chiseled man without a shirt, and a short, blue man with a monocle) Short, blue man: Biomancer Kodas! Short, beturbanaed man: Dream Magister Modt. Blonde Woman: Star Lady Ceuri. Chiseled Man: Stone Lord Kord. Jaydea: And me, Piedmon! Erm, Jaydea! I've been waiting, Light Pudding! Show us, what progress have you made? Kord: All on you, Boss. Modt: Yes, um, I'm not big on physical confrontation. Ceuri: Yeah, I just painted my nails? So, no. Kodas: I'LL HELP! Jaydea: Yeah, no. (Sigh) Fine, you four... --Boss Battle!-- Jaydea x1 LP: Infinite MP: Infinite Better late than never, this is Jeffcom's obligatory forced loss battle. She'll engage Figgy Pudding, and destroy you with ease. --Boss Battle!-- Kodas: Ooh! Ooh! Jaydea: (Sigh) Yes, you can have them, Kodas. (The party is then seen in a lab, tied to slabs, where Kodas putters about) Kodas: I wonder what would happen if I feed you this shrinking potion? Mm. Whatever, well, it takes a while to take effect. See you in thirty! (He then leaves, as the party begins to shrink) You then fall onto the floor, free. Go north, to a crack in the wall. Inside is a village of mice, who reveal to be escapees from Kodas' experiments. They have an inn and an item shop. Also, in the back, is a mouse who mourns his Panacesean, cheese so good, it cures any illness. He then mentions that the cockroaches took it, who live above them on the next level of the castle. You then need to exit the village, and go east, into another crack in the wall. Continue up, going up the insulation in the wall, until you enter a large, pink room. Follow around the discarded vinyls, books and clothing items, until you see the resident. Hiro: This room seems pretty girly, is this.. (Jaydea walks in. In the US version, she's wearing pajamas, and in the Japanese, she's in a t-shirt and her panties.) Jaydea: Gods above, those idiots. Oh, well. Time to crank the tunes. (She turns on her stereo, and begins to do a dance) Hiro: !!!! You now need to avoid the flailing dance moves of Jaydea, If you get hit, it's an instant game over. Thank goodness for the save point that drops immediately after the cut-scene. The worst, is the fact that, if you take too long, it becomes impossible to exit, as Jaydea plops down, her butt blocking where you need to go. Thus, go as fast as you can, to find another village, of cockroaches. Cockroach leader: Attention all! The Goddess of Destruction has resumed her dance! We will now sacrifice the cheese stolen from those foul mammals to appease her! Hiro: NOT SO FAST! Ozma: WOW! Mancala: My heart! So manly! Kimyawa: YECH! Cockroach cheese? Cockroach Leader: Cockroach Knights! To action! --Boss Battle!-- Cockroach Knights x6 Cockroach knight LP: 4500 Cockroach Knight MP: 2000 By themselves, they're not hard, but together, they tend to run ragged on people. The best option is to whirl with Ozma and smash each knight in turn. If you keep them all alive, they will use "Swarm" on you which inflicts heavy magic damage and a random status.  --Boss Battle!-- Cockroach Leader: Um, let's not get so hasty! Take the cheese! Hiro: Thank you! (The party all eats the cheese, as they grow in size, producing a bang, which gives pause to Jaydea's gyrations, as the party falls onto the floor below) Kodas: Where did they go? (The party falls on him) Kodas: YOOOU! --Boss Battle!-- Heavenly King Kodas x1 LP: 27000 MP: 9600 Kodas isn't so hard at first, casting second tier magic. When you take off half his LP, he then uses the "Kodas drinks the POITON" action and mutates into a horrible, leafy plant monster. This raises all his attacks, and gives him the obnoxious "Viney Winey" attack which hits all targets for earth damage, and also the "Spore" Attack, which causes Red. Smack him down, as you would any other plant-type monster --Boss Battle!-- Kodas: ACK! (falls over and dies) Ozma: So, what do we do now? Hiro: Um, I hadn't thought that far ahead. So, uh... WE JUMP! (The party then jumps out the window)

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 4

The fourth chapter. You know how it is. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 4: 2 Million Leagues Under the Sea!- We get another sepia tone flashback, this time of an only slightly-younger Hiro and Emilia. Emilia: Well… your form is good. But you swing your sword like a little girl. Hiro: I don’t like hurting people, sis. Besides, everyone knows YOU’RE the messiah the Pudding tribe has awaited! I’m only here because mom had that bottle of aged tequila lying around. Emilia: That has nothing to do with anything! You need to have more confidence! … Wait, I got just the ticket! Emilia runs behind Hiro and plays with his hair. Hiro: Um. What’re you doing? Emilia: I’m giving you a Pudding Warrior Knot in your hair. It’s an ancient custom of our tribe that when a Pudding Warrior comes of age, he gets one! Hiro: Oh. That’s pretty neat. Emilia finishes, presenting the now French braided hero, Hiro, we know now. Hiro: Somehow I feel more fabulous than before. Can’t quite place my finger on it. Emilia: It’s perfect! You’ll be beating up Dark Puddings before you know it! The scene fades, then returns, Hiro, Ozma, Kimyawa and Loyroll laid out on a beach. Hiro: Ungh. I wonder why I never dream in color. Hiro gets up and the others join him. You’ll soon discover this area is only one screen wide, so you’re left to exhaust every possibility until you investigate the water. Not just any water, though, the ONE specific square, just to the left of center. Many players wasted HOURS trying to find this event flag, and many people wrongly believed it was an anti-piracy measure. Nope. Just shoddy programming. The mermaid from before surfaces. Mermaid: So, thief, ready to pay up? Ozma: Hey! We don’t even HAVE a thief in this party! Hiro: Just a reasonable facsimile. Loyroll: You flatter me, as always. Mermaid: You yoinked the goods from that place without paying its rightful owner! Kimyawa: Isn’t that technically liberating it? Mermaid: QUIT CHANGING THE TOPIC! Kimyawa: What’s your name, Stranger-chan? Mermaid: I’m Mancala! Call me Manny and I’ll punch ya in the mug, got it?! I’m the number one marine merchant mermaid you’ll ever see in the sea! Ozma: Meh, mehmehmeh? Mancala: Ignoring that. The point is you took stolen property. So I’m gonna maroon you here until you pay up! Hiro: (Great. Now what do we do?!) You then get a prompt which can result in some different dialogue options. 1) Barter 2) Lie 3) Beg -Barter- Hiro: Okay. It was just a few things. Can’t be THAT expensive. What’s the tab? Mancala: Well… since you asked so nicely! Mancala brandishes an abacus and begins calculating. Mancala: The items total net value, plus the emotional damage to this delicate mermaid, plus interest, plus tax not withheld, plus tax withheld, social security, deducting the “asked so nicely” fee… it all tallies up to a measly 36 trillion gold! Ozma: Can I crush her head like an overripe melon? Hiro: T-trillion?! Are you MAD?! Mancala: If you’re nice, I’ll even include the “cute boy” deduction! That would knock it all the way down to 34! Loyroll: And certainly a deduction for yours truly, if I may be so bold? Mancala: I’m not into girls. … Much. Loyroll: Pardon? Hiro: There’s no way we have that much. That price is absurd. I refuse. Mancala: SAY WHAT NOW?! -Lie- Hiro: What if I told you I know of a great treasure?! It’d more than make up the difference! Mancala: Okay, I’m listening now. Kimyawa: Hiro-ni-chan! You DO?! You’ve been holding out on us?! Ozma: Hiro, how could you?! Loyroll: Most unfabulous of you, my friend. Hiro: … Mancala: … Hiro: Err. Friendship is a sacred treasure, above all material wealth in the Pudding society! Ozma: (So it was just a lie…) Mancala: *Sigh* -Beg- Hiro: Please don’t make me beg. I am not a proud man. Ozma, Kimyawa & Mancala: (This is about to get really hot…) Hiro: (Suddenly, my pride is flaring up within me and I don’t know why…) Loyroll: Well? We’re waiting. Hiro: On second thought, I think I’ll just take a moment to absorb the scenery instead. Mancala: (Darn…) Regardless of your choice, it comes back to here afterward. Mancala: This isn’t getting us anywhere! Hiro: Is there no way to come to an agreement on this? Mancala: Well… you could be my servants for a while! Y’know, help with this, that and the other for a bit and we could call it square! Hiro: I somehow get the impression you’re more ambitious than that. Mancala: Aww, you flirt~! Hiro: (Not the intended reaction. Why does it feel like my life is in danger now?) Ozma & Kimyawa: *Stare* Hiro: At any rate, we don’t have the kind of money on-hand to pay. So I guess we’ve no choice. Mancala: Well, you’re in luck! I just so happened to overhear some of the Dark Puddings talking about the Water Talisman. Hiro: You did? Where is it now?! Mancala: In the Octopus Garden. It’s some ancient ruins not far from my hometown, Mermania. Regrettably, those have been locked up tight since far back as anyone can remember. But I just so happen to know some juicy gossip that may lead us to a key. The Legendary Ice Key! Hiro: Sounds like a lead! Ozma: Or a diversion from the main plot. Poh-tay-toe, pah-tah-tow. Mancala: Either way, I need some henchmen and you need the talisman, right?! I knew it soon as I saw that birthmark! Hiro takes a moment to examine himself. Hiro: Okay, seriously, where is this birthmark you people keep going on about and why do I not see it? Mancala: But that whole “air-breather” problem… there’s only one fix for that! Hiro: Oh no, not another racket… Mancala: Calm down, calm down. It’s a Mermaid’s Kiss! Hiro: Oh. Is that some kind of stone? Or maybe a plant? Or— Mancala leaps from the water, her tail morphs into legs, allowing her to glomp Hiro. Accompanying in a loud, cartoonish “SMOOCH” sound effect, which always gets a giggle out of me. Hiro: W-whoa. That was… brusque. Ozma: *Furious* Kimyawa: *Envious* Loyroll: *Yawns* Are we ready to go now? Then we can enter the water and dive to the underwater map. Though, thanks to aquatic canyons, we can’t just go anywhere we want… yet. Our first stop is down south a ways at Mermania, a recurring city throughout the franchise. There, we can get the “Bikni” armors for our female party members, which give a serviceable boost in defense to each. Hiro and Loyroll can get the “Trnks” which are a step up, but not as huge of one. How does an armor that covers less protect more? It is one of the long, lost legendary mysteries of JRPGs. Anyways, if we talk around at the merchant’s guild here, we’ll learn that Mancala has lost her trader’s license 17 different times due to “questionable practices”. The others roll their eyes when they learn this news but refrain from commenting. After talking to enough merfolk, Mancala fans out from the party. Mancala: Okay! We got everything we need? The legendary ice key is held in the underwater volcano! Hiro: I’d question the physical possibilities but somehow I feel like I’d just be encouraging you at this point. Mancala: Oh, don’t be so glum, chum! It’s pretty much a straight line there! … With a few curves and bumps. And a giant, angry dragon at the bottom. Hiro: Ah. There’s the hitch. I was waiting for that. Loyroll: Slaying a dragon? It’s a tad cliché but I think we can handle that! Mancala: Then what’re we waiting for?! Let’s do it! Ozma: What? You mean stroll up to the dragon and punch it in the face? Mancala: … Yes? Ozma: Metal. Kimyawa: Sugoi, Ozma-chan! At this point we can move back to the ocean floor and the cave in the top-right area is open now. Had we gone he previously, Hiro would’ve met the Giant Sentient Block, a really existential gag that plagues AQ players for years to come. In fact, in the early-internet era, whether this pseudo-character even existed was up for debate, as most of his appearances in this game are very easily missed. The cave itself is pretty straight-forward, except about midway, where the current puzzles spell out great confusion for those who tried to brute force the puzzles, which would flush them down a comically oversized pit where you’d battle the Toilet Snake monster, which is obsessed with poison attacks. Otherwise, the local monsters like the Munchkinfish, Seaweeder, and Poof Fish are actually quite weak compared to other monsters around this level. Here you can find a Coral Abacus for Mancala, replacing the nonsense “TmSn” Abacus she comes with normally (the Japanese name is “Termite Snack” and I guess they were okay with letting everyone assume it meant “Thompson” or something!). Afterward, you just press on down the stairs… up until you enter the gameshow chamber. Yeah, that’s not a joke. The party fans out and stands behind a podium as a huge, anime octopus-man plops down in a suit and tie. Octopus: Welcome, ladies and gentlefish to Amazing Quest: The Game Show: The Video Game: Home Edition v. 1992! I’m your host, Otto! And you lucky heroes are in for a treat today! You get to try my quiz game challenge! Win and you’ll receive fabulous prizes! Fail and you get… well, nothing! Are we ready to play?! We then get a prompt of “Squid yeah!” or “Fin no!”, but obviously the game won’t let you progress until you at least TRY, so, yeah… Otto: Question 1 will be an easy one to get your feet wet! What tribe is Hiro from? We get a prompt between “Pudding”, “Protagonist” and “Team Laser Explosion”. The answer is quite obvious. Otto: Correct! Question 2: What is Ozma’s family name? This one is a little trickier, being given the possible answers “Trouble”, “Tohrubble” and “Toruble”. Just be aware of what her name REALLY is, and you’ll be fine. Otto: Great job! Really kraken ‘em up! Question 3: What mystical artifacts, when united, unleash a great and terrible power? The answers this time are: “The DisKord Stones”, “Hell’s Bells”, and “The Talismans”. Interestingly enough, the other options are shout-outs to DOS-era adventure titles, which AQ4 later also shouts out to. Otto: Whooo! Now we’re gilly getting into it! Question 4: What elemental affinity is the first boss of this game? The prompt is just Fire, Water and Pie, so the answer is obviously water as it was the monster in Fog Tower. If you say Pie, Otto’s arms drop to his sides, as he turns to face the player directly and will stare at you for 10 tedious, unnerving seconds before prompting you to try again. Otto: ALRIGHT! Last one and this one separates the squids from the suckers! Question 5: Which of these is NOT an element of magic?! The answer prompt this time is four options wide, including: “Music”, “Emotion”, “Boobs” and “Food”. You’d only know the answer to this if you read the instruction booklet – which specifically references the elements of magic in the AQ universe. This is kind of a jerk move by the game devs, as losing the manual in the early SNES era was a foregone conclusion by all but the most dedicated collectors. The answer is technically food, but the AQ manga series actually contradicts this during the “Great Pudding Cook-Off” arc. Otto: N-no way! What an amazing contestant we had on the show! Everyone, put your fins together for our new winners! A bunch of fish suddenly leap-on screen and shake about excitedly as the SNES strains to emulate the sound of uproaring applause. Then they retreat to whence they came. Otto: How do you feel? Hiro: A little drunk? Otto: YOU HEARD IT HERE, FOLKS! Now, enjoy your fabulous prizes! For answering all five correct, we get 3 “Fishy Hats” which are helmet upgrades that anyone in the party can put on. We’re then booted from the quiz room and resume our trek through for a few more rooms up until we reach the boss chamber. There, there’s a huge hole in the center of the room, glowing red. Hiro: I have to assume this is where the dragon awaits us. Mancala: Better go up and check just to be sure, Hiro! We’ll wait back here, where it’s safe! Hiro: *Sigh* Very well. One moment. Hiro walks to the lip and looks down. Hiro: Deep. But I don’t see anything. Hiro kicks a small stone from the lip down below, then puts a hand to his ear to listen for it. Hiro: … Deep. Very deep. But I still don’t�� The screen begins violently shaking. Hiro: Well, I’ve been wrong before. -Boss Fight!- Trench Serpent LP: 7500 MP: 1000 This gigantic beast is a real threat at last! I hope you took the time to level up on your way here! Your best bet is use Kimyawa’s Fox Flip, if you’re leveled high enough to have it by now, which can briefly confuse the monster to some considerable effect. However, it mandates being quite a bit over-leveled to use here, so she may be money ahead to spam the Mirror of Kii. The serpent’s most dangerous move is “COWABUNGA!” which sends a killer tidal wave over the party – never mind that we’re already underwater during this fight. Your Pudding Swirls should be sufficient, provided you’re not careless. If you monitor your HP burn, you should come out on top. -Boss Fight!- Hiro: Whew… that was surprising. Mancala: Look! The Ice Key! A banana in a block of ice floats down to Hiro’s hands. Hiro: I lack the words. As usual. Mancala: We have it! Now we can go to the Octopus’ Garden! Hiro: Tell me it’s not a quiz game. Mancala: Probably not! Loyroll: Life is far more fun when you never know what comes next, right? Hiro: I guess so. At this point we –can- go on to the next area, if we wanted to. However, a hilarious and easily-missed Easter egg awaits those who return back to Zaius and Heston. The people gather at a neutral ground once you walk into one of the cities. Hiro: Okay. Everyone. Watch very carefully. I’m gonna bring peaceful resolution to this once and for all. Hiro brandishes his sword, then cuts the Ice Key clean in half. Mancala: HIRO! WHAT THE HELL?! Hiro: Just watch. This is going some place. Hiro takes the banana free of the ice, then peels it from center-out on both ends. Crowd: WHAT?! N-no way! No one has ever… how did he DO THAT?! Hiro: See? Now you understand: there’s more than just two ways to do something! And each is equally valid. And now we all learned an important lesson, right? Crowd: HE HAS ANGERED THE VOLCANO GODS! Hiro: Beg pardon? The camera pans out as a nearby mountain erupts into a volcano, the magma pours out and wipes out both villages in a flash. It then cuts back to the party. Mancala: Oh. Right. This place is ruled by the twin brother gods of volcanoes: Rilk and Klir. They also had very particular food habits. And banana peeling was one of their sacred doctrines. Hiro: … How was I supposed to know that? So with two more destroyed cities under our belts, we find the Melted Blade, a new sword for Hiro as we return to the sea for the Octopus Garden. The garden is a 3D maze, using a really curious fixed-perspective isometric view and water spouts that move Hiro up and down as you run through. People have wasted HOURS of their lives here due to the numerous deadends and confusing layout. This is also only the first screen. The second area has moving platforms which Hiro must traverse in order to cross a river. For some reason, this ordeal seems quite nostalgic, doesn’t it? The third area introduces the garden’s true gimmick – the octopus jars and the red and blue octopi. When you get here, the party fans out. Mancala: Ah. I’ve heard of this room. We have to approach it from a certain angle! Hiro: I don’t suppose you know what it is? Mancala: Grandma said this: red octopi are friendly and will pull you near them for a closer look! Blue octopi are shy and if approached, will politely move you away from their homes! But don’t fear – neither will harm you! Hiro: What on Earth does THAT mean?! Mancala: I dunno. Why? Hiro: … Kimyawa: Nii-chan, I think I understand! The octopi-tachi are different colors here. Red will pull us near from far away and blue will push us from near to far. And the room is full of holes in the floor. So, to progress, we need octopi-tachi to move us from one spot to another. Hiro: So the riddle lies in the color and the distance. I see. This is the most head-scratching moments in the game, not due to the base mechanics, but to how fiendishly clever the rooms that lie ahead really are. As explained, red octopi reach out three or four spaces ahead to grab us, but will ignore us if we’re one or two spaces out from them, and blue octopi ignore us at distances of three or greater, and will move us away from them three to four spaces if we approach. Using this knowledge we must move about the map step by step to progress. The first room is very simple and just a test of how each works. The second room adds more walls and holes in the floor to test your critical thinking. The third room adds floors that collapse once stepped on (which reset if you leave and come back) and the final room adds conveyer belts for a touch of twitch-reflex testing! Even with random encounters turned off for these moments, this still routinely gets ranked in the top 5 most hair-pullingly frustrating dungeons in the series. Once you get to the end, we see another pit not unlike the underwater volcano end area. Mancala: Oh? Is this the center area of the Octopus Garden? Ozma: Ugh. Not a recolor boss fight. How uncreative can you get? The area rumbles as a large, purple Trench Serpent rises from below. Kimyawa: Ozma-chan, Snake-san didn’t like that comment. Hiro: Get ready, everyone! Before the battle can begin, something flashes across the screen, and the serpent roars, sinking back into the abyss. Hiro: Wait, what? Who was that?! ?: Light Puddings! Prepare yourselves! Ozma: Uh. Strictly speaking only one among us is a Pudding! A tall, slender man with an oversized tower shield on each arm stands before the party. Man: I am Praetorian Mih! Hiro: Of course you are. Loyroll: I understand your frustration, my friend, but you must admit, he’s got style! Mih: You’ve done enough damage, Light Pudding! It’s time your little escapade— Hiro: Excuse me. Mih: What? Hiro: How are you breathing right now? Did you kiss a mermaid too? Mih: Huh? Hiro: We’re underwater, so I just wanted to know if we did the same thing is all or if there was a better way. Mih: Kiss a mermaid? What are you on about? Everyone knows mermaids aren’t real. Mancala: *Ahem* Mih: Bah! I tire of this. Enough banter! Have at you! -Boss Battle!- Praetorian Mih LP: 8800 MP: 750 Praetorian Mih is every bit the human wall his massive design and dual-wielding shields might indicate, coupled with by far the most LP of anything we’ve yet encountered. The best thing to do is to use Ozma’s Table Flip in hopes it reduces this giant’s defenses and use Pudding Swirl with Hiro and Kimyawa in order to give him the offensive edge needed to compete. Loyroll should use the Mirror of Kii, exploiting Mih’s middling magic defenses. Mih’s most annoying ability will be “Safe & Sound”, a special technique accompanied by an unusually cool trumpet solo which will render him virtually invincible for two rounds before he opens up with a party-wide physical blow. However, if you can weather this, he has a 3 turn cooldown on the ability, so he cannot spam it. You’ll have to play the endurance game just as much as he does, but if you keep it up, you’ll send him packing. -Boss Battle!- Mih: Hahaha! Not bad. Not bad at all. But it will take way more than that to defeat the Human Wall, Praetorian Mih! Hiro: How many more times are you going to introduce yourself?! Loyroll: It seems our unstoppable tempo has met with an unmoving mountain! Kimyawa: Nii-chan, I think you’re mixing your metaphors. Ozma: Don’t give up. I have an idea! But I’ll need your help, Mancala! Mancala: Huh? Uh. Okay! Lay it on me! What’s the plan?! Ozma palms Mancala’s head in her hand. Mancala: Eh? Wait, what— Ozma then hurls Mancala head-first into Mih, who slides back as she impacts, coming to the rim of the pit behind him. Mancala falls flat, stars circling her head. Mancala: BARF! Mih: Hahahaa! You must be truly desperate to resort to such flailing, desperate measures! Ozma: Oh, am I? Mih: Huh? What did you…? Oh no! Mih panics, desperately attempting to run as the cliff below him gives out and he plummets into the pit below. After a few seconds of a whistling, falling sound, we hear a violent crash below. Kimyawa: Yatta! Hiro: That was, uh, a creative way of dealing with that. Ozma: I’m pretty pleased with myself. Mancala: My poor head… I’m gonna feel that for weeks! Ozma: Oh, walk it off. Mancala: How do you walk off a headache?! Hiro: C’mon, guys. The water talisman must be… huh? Do you guys hear something? The area rumbles distantly. Suddenly, an explosion rockets up from the pit, sending the party skyward. Hiro: He exploded?! Loyroll: Not just him! The serpent too! Hiro: BECAUSE THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE, RIGHT?! Something shiny flies among the party. Kimyawa: Sugoi! The water talisman! Guy-nii-chan! Ozma: I got it! Ozma grabs Mancala’s tail and swings her around, causing Mancala to grab it. Mancala: STOP THAT, YOU CRAZY BITCH! Ozma: But it just feels SO RIGHT! How can it be wrong?! Ozma learns the Dual Tech – Fish Slap! She’ll grab Mancala’s tail and swing her about like a flail, dealing great damage to a single target. This move deals water-type damage. And we get the Water Talisman! Ozma: The important thing is that we got the Water Talisman now, right? Hiro: No! The important thing is that we’re ABOUT TO FALL AND DIE!!! Ozma: Such a gloomy gus… The party is then viewed falling, crash-landing in a seaside village on the opposite side of one of the underwater canyons that previously prevented our passage from Mermania. They pick themselves up and survey the town. Mancala: Oh! I know where this is! This is Trackland, the town known for its enormous race track and horrible, crippling gambling debt! Hiro: That seems… informative. Never heard of a place that bagged on their own town when they were naming it. Ozma: Might as well have a look around. I don’t see anything else we can do for now. Here we can buy some upgrades, like Kimyawa’s CatCap helmet, Ozma’s Blaz Knuckles and Hiro’s Shing Sword, provided you didn’t find the Melted Blade earlier. By talking to the locals, we learn the Dark Puddings have already ransacked their town, and now their sole joy remains in the race track – famous for being so long it’s also the main highway to the next town! We then go to talk to the operations manager to find a means down said road. Hiro: Hello. We were wondering if it would be alright to head down the race track to the next town. Ops Guy: No, no, no. You don’t “head down” the race track. You RACE down it! That’s why they call it a RACE track! Mancala: Yeah? Then why do they call something you drive on a parkway and something you park on a driveway?! Ops Guy: Look, I don’t make the rules – I just enforce them. If you try any funny business, I’ll run your butts down and drag you back here for the biggest lecture of your lives! So race properly or don’t race at all! The party leaves the room, then spreads out again. Hiro: Well, so much for the direct route. Ozma: Anyone have any ideas? Loyroll: Why not do what he said? After all, a race sounds like fun! No one can keep up with our tempo! Mancala: We can’t just run the track. We’d pass out from exhaustion before we hit the midway. We need something we can ride. We need a pack mule! Hiro: A town renowned for its race track? Well, there has to be a ranch nearby with animals for such an occasion. Let’s ask around. Heading over to the ranch on the east side of town we can talk to the rancher – a strangely feminine man in a long, white trench coat. Hiro: We need— Rancher: A monster for the race, right? Hiro: Wow, you’re— Rancher: I am pretty awesome. Moreover, you’re wasting your time. The Dark Puddings raided my ranch last month and I’m still putting the pieces back together. Hiro: Isn’t there anything— Rancher: Yeah, if you get a few million going spare, I could lend you one of my thoroughbreds I’ve been raising. Hiro: We don’t have— Rancher: Neither does anyone else, bro. If you want the bargain bin, you’re in luck. This way. Hiro: Are you going to let me— Rancher: No. The rancher leads us over to one particular pen where a sad, squat lizard-like creature with a camel’s hump, two wings and two tails, weighed down by mace-like appendages crawls out. It coughs out dust on Hiro’s boots. Hiro: Is it dying? Rancher: I can only hope. This here is the bottom of the bottom of the barrel. This is the last of the Griffohumps. Hiro: Okay, you’re gonna need to explain that one to me. Rancher: It’s half griffon, half camel-dog. Its eyes also don’t align properly and it’s wantonly flatulent. I’ll let you take it for 100 gold. Take it or leave it. Hiro: Well, that’s a very reasonable price. For an unreasonable animal. I was thinking more of something like a horse… Rancher: Then you’re out of luck, chum. What little I have left other than this guy is for rebuilding and repopulating my ranch. Hiro: Looks like I don’t have much of a choice. We then get a Yes/No prompt, which is entirely pointless as saying no means we just walk around town until we go back and say Yes. In the GBA remake, however, if Kimyawa is level 37 (really, only a few levels higher than the average for this segment) and knows her Fox Inferno technique, this entire segment takes on an entirely DIFFERENT connotation as Kimyawa can replace the Griffohump as our pet in this minigame. But that’s creepy. So I’ll stick with the SNES version, thank you very much. The Griffohump is then dropped into a special Virtual Pet-style menu, which we can access whenever we want by speaking with the rancher. We’re then prompted to name the little guy – his default name is “Stinky”. We can feed it either mundane items, or special items the rancher will offer to sell us, which influence its stats. We can train it in minigames, or by fighting it like it was a monster encounter – which is the most effective means to raise it. Unequip the party and let it beat on the party and its stats will skyrocket, especially if it KOs the party. We can also have Hiro pet it and talk to it, which makes Hiro spout off nonsense jokes that were poorly translated from their original Japanese counterparts. You may persist in doing this as long as you’d like or until you hit the ludicrous 999 stat caps. Really, if you get it to around 150 in everything, Energy, Speed, Acceleration and Defense, you don’t need anything more than that. Return to the ops guy. Ops Guy: You again?! Didn’t you hear me?! Hiro: We’d like to enter the race properly now! Ops Guy: Really now? Well, that’s an entirely different story. Ready to begin? We then get a Yes/No prompt. Select Yes to continue. Ops Guy: Alright! To the starting line! This cues up the race minigame, with Hiro sitting astride the Griffohump, who is barely larger than his owner. The race itself involves running to the right-hand side of the screen as other racers try to jump on/over us. We’re ranked as we go and we must be in one of the top three places in order to win the minigame. Failure to do so drops us off where we started the race and Hiro mumbling something about “Not being on his A-Game today”. Clearing in higher ranks nets us better money and item rewards, but nothing worth freaking out over just yet – but they do get better as the plot progresses. But if we manage to win in 1st, 2nd or 3rd, we reach the chapter’s end! Narrator: And thus, Hiro and his party, riding gallantly atop Stinky, gracefully coast across the valley. What awaits them ahead? Only time will tell… We then get the Griffohump Feather, a key item we can use to access the virtual pet minigame from anywhere, anytime! Don’t forget to feed him from time to time!

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 3.5

The second half of Amazing Quest’s third chapter. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 3.5: We're back! (A Dinosaur Genocide Story) Hiro: So, now we're in the Valley of Giants. I wonder why they call it that? Ozma: Maybe because everything is REALLY big here? Kimyawa: Or, maybe there's a race of cannibalistic giants who eat people, and the people here have to live in a giant walled city to survive! Hiro: Naw, that'd be stupid. All joking aside, the Valley of Giants is a tough area. the enemies here all have the "Giant" trait, making their physical stats massive, and many (Like the Giant Nautilus, Salamand, and Jeffish) all have large magic defense as well. The valley leads to the north, where a walled city resides. Ozma: Oh, my... Kimyawa: HAHAHA! I TOLD YOU! Hiro: Sonnuvabitch.... Soldier on the Wall: HELLO? ARE YOU ALL DINOSAURS? Ozma: Yes! Hiro: NO! Ozma: I'm a sexual tyrannosaurus! Hiro: Ignoring that for a moment, no, we're not dinosaurs. Why do you ask? Soldier: OH, BECAUSE OUR CITY IS CONSTANTLY AT WAR WITH THE DINOSAURS. THEY WANT OUR DIAMONDIUM THAT THEY USE FOR THEIR MACHINES! Hiro: Dinosaurs have machines? Soldier: I'M GOING TO ASSUME YOU ALL AREN'T DINOSAURS. DINOSAURS WOULD KNOW THEY HAVE MACHINES. The gate then opens and you can enter the stronghold of humanity, Wall City. --Wall City-- The people in Wall City are furtive and scared. It seems the the Dinosaurs attacking is a regular occurrence, and when they don't outright eat their captives, they tend to haul them off for god knows what. However, talking to a portly man in the bar yields this: Man: Man, that poncy young man sure did pay well. Kimyawa: Excuse me, did you say poncy? How poncy was this man? Man: He made me feel positively secure in my masculinity. Kimyawa: Uh... Man: I like little boys, just to be clear. Kimyawa: There's not doubting it, then. That's got to be my nii-san! Hiro: Just what kind of man is this brother of yours? Kimyawa: He's a great man! Man: I'd doubt the MAN bit of that, but, he left, saying he's gonna go to the contested zone. Kimyawa: Contested zone? Man: The dinosaurs took control of a section of the outer wall on the eastern side. That section of the city is now being fought over by the Dinosaurs and the Army. Hiro: Kimyawa, I... Kimyawa: He's fine, I'm sure of it. Nii-san is a kenjutsu master! Hiro: And I sure know what THAT is... Head to the eastern side of the city, and an Army blockade is in your way... Soldier: Halt! Civilians can't get through! This area is dangerous! Hiro: Well... You can then pick either Hiro, Ozma or Kimyawa... If You chose Hiro: Hiro: Pretty please? Soldier: D'aaaaw, you sure are a cutie. Sure, if you REALLY want to. It'd be a shame if you got eaten, though. Ozma: (Giggles) Hiro: (Is it my braids?) If You chose Ozma: Ozma: Can we go through, pleeeeeeeeeease? (She leans over, revealing her toned and ripped cleavage) Soldier: AAAAAAAAAAAAACK! (Falls over, clutching his heart) Ozma: Why, I never! Hiro: Hahahaha If You chose Kimyawa: Kimyawa: Onegai, can we pleeeeeeeeease get past? My puppy got lost down a drain pipe, and I would REALLY appreciate it if such a strong, kind man like yourself can help me? (She bends all the way over, leaving what little of her breasts not covered to be on display now.) Soldier: I, uh... Kimyawa: It's fine... (Putting his hand on her bosom) Can you feel my urgent plea? Soldier: (Vomits violently) OH GOD, I TOUCHED A GIRL. OH GOD....(He then collapses) Kimyawa: YATTA! I killed another man with my womanly charms! Hiro: Is that what you call that? In any way you choose, you'll get to enter the contested zone, and what a contested zone it is! The entire thing is covered in craters and the enemies now include Dinosaur Soldiers, Wexler Riders, and Triswordatops. The encounter rate is also stupidly high as well, but this serves to level you up quicker. Now, there are three things you can do here. The first is the northeast, where there's a locked door in the remains of the wall, a locked bunker to the north, and to the south east... Purple-Haired Man: (Dashes past three Dinosaur Soldiers, who then explode) No Probleeeeeeeeeeeeem! Kimyawa: Nii-san! Purple-Haired Man: Oh, Kimyawa, you're here, too. And you found some helpers. I'm trying to find the treasure of our clan. I tracked it to this city, but it seems like the coordinate I was given is in this place. Oh well. Kimyawa: Nii-san, these people and I have been worried sick about you! We need to fight the Dark Puddings, not prance about! Hiro: Wait, we do care? Kimyawa: YES! Loyroll: Well, I DO like prancing, but this is important, Kimyawa. It's not just for the clan, but also for me. I need to...(Preens his hair) Feel my confidence boosted by getting this. Ozma: So romantic~ Hiro: Gross. Anyways, I suppose we ought to help you... Loyroll: I, Loyroll, the master swordsman, will take your help, Pudding! Hiro: (How did he know that?) Loyroll is an interesting and VERY good character. He uses swords like several other characters, but his skills are based off the attack of the weapon he's using. In addition, he doesn't use swords bought from stores. Rather, outside of battle, you pay money to him to use one of his copious collection of blades. I got him to the Silver Saber, his sixth sword, before moving on. Another thing you'll notice, is that he starts at level 5, about twenty levels lower than Hiro and the others at this point. No matter. Proceed to the locked door at the wall, and you'll receive another cut-scene. Loyroll: (Slices the door) The key I have is reacting to this place. The weapon must be nearby! Enter the broken door, and you'll enter a series of catacombs. Random encounters continue on here, but press on until you get to the third floor, where a series of push tiles will warp you around. Continue on as best you can, until you find an outcropping with a drop all around it. In the middle of this is a chest.  Loyroll: (Opens the chest. Inside is a mirror) This....It all makes sense now! The one I should trust in is-- (The mirror flashes and a beam of light blasts Loyroll in the face, vaporizing a hole in the ceiling) Kimyawa: Nii-san! Are you alright? Loyroll: (His face is now comically blackened) Cough, cough I'm fine. I guess our ancestors had a sense of humor to them. Hiro: You sure it's not JUST your ancestors? (Loyroll gains confidence!) This new item, the Mirror of Kii, is a powerful infinite use attack item. Use it in battle and it will either blast a foe for heavy light damage, or spray lasers at all enemies for medium light damage. The catch? Only Kimyawa or Loyroll can use it. I prefer to let Kimyawa use it, as Loyroll hits hard enough as is. With the Mirror in our possession, continue to the other locked bunker, and do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, go to the southeast again. Hiro: I-I can feel something inside... (He tests the door, which opens) (Inside is a large cloaked figure in a magic circle) Figure: HIRO OF THE LIGHT PUDDINGS. MANY PLACE THEIR HOPES ON YOU. I CAN UNLOCK THE POTENTIAL HIDDEN IN YOUR GENES. BUT, YOU MUST BE READY. Hiro: Fine, I accept. My true potential can't be any worse than my weak Pudding powers, nayways. Figure: (Unveils his form as a giant Flan) VERY WELL... --Boss Battle!-- Saint Flavian x1 LP: 6500 MP: 700 Saint Flavian, despite his high HP, isn't hard. He often resorts to “Jiggle,” a minor multi-hit physical move. Even though you only have Hiro for this battle, it really isn't that hard, provided you keep track of your LP. --Boss Battle!-- Saint Flavian: EXCELLENT. NOW, THE LAST TEST. Hiro: Wait, there's more? Saint Flavian: INDEED. I WILL NOW TAKE THE LIFE OF YOUR WOMAN. IS THIS AN ACCEPTABLE COST FOR POWER? Ozma: (Covers her blushing face) O-oh my! Hiro: O-Ozma? NEVER! Saint Flavian: VERY WELL. WHAT OF YOUR CONCUBINE WHO CANNOT KEEP HER CHEST COVERED? MAY I SLAY HER TO GRANT YOU POWER? Hiro: (Blushes) No! Kimyawa is my friend! Kimyawa: HAI! Tomodachi desu! Saint Flavian: ACCEPTABLE. WHAT OF YOUR FLAMBOYANT COMPANION? MAY I KILL HIM IN ORDER TO UNLOCK YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL? Loyroll: Hehe, I am an acceptable sacrifice, am I not? Kimyawa: Nii-san! Hiro: (Sighs) No, not even Loyroll. Look. I'd rather keep myself weak if it means killing someone to get stronger. Saint Flavian: INDEED. YOUR COMPANIONS ARE YOUR TRUE STRENGTH, HIRO. DARK PUDDINGS REVEL IN THEMSELVES AND FORGET OTHERS. LIGHT PUDDINGS EMBRACE OTHERS AND LIVE FOR THEIR SAKE. YOU ARE NO ACCIDENT, BUT A BLESSING. LIVE AS THE TRUE SAVIOR YOU ARE... (Saint Flavian disappears, and Hiro learns the Combo-Swirl Pudding form!) Hiro: S-such power! HAHAHAHAHA! Loyroll: Great, he's lost it. Hiro: I'll show them! I'll show them all! (Hiro strides out of the room, and you are returned outside) NOW, you can enter the southeast. There, a large regiment of Dinosaur Soldiers and a large red dinosaur in a suit of armor are present. Red Dinosaur: GENTLESAURS! We are on the cusp of victory! Humanity is on the brink of defeat, and as the Pudding tribes rip each other to shreds, WE will rise above! COME! The Coup De Grace awaits! Hiro: Um, hello? Did you say Humanity is finished? Red Dinosaur: INDEED! I, Terror Saurus Rex, will be your undoing! Dinosaurs! ATTACK! --Boss Battle!-- Dinsoaur Paladins x6 LP: 1000 Each MP: 250 Each This isn't a hard boss at all. It's largely there as a tutorial fight for the Combo-Swirl form. You pick one character, and get an amalgamated form based on the character you're combining wit5h. Ozma grants you massive strength bonuses and an affinity for powerful physical moves. Kimyawa's grants high speed and a penchant for wind-based area attacks. Loyroll has middling attack and defense, but gives you regeneration and the ability to use his sword specials. Destroy them as you see fit. --Boss Battle!-- Terror Saurus: I-impossible! Dinosaurs Retreat! Humanity is not as weak as we imagined! (The Dinosaurs all flee behind Terror Saurus) Soldier: Hooray! The Puddings have saved us! General: Surely, Lord Pudding, you will surely take the fight to the Dinosaurs! Loyroll: Of course we will. After all, no one can match OUR tempo! Haha, all those Dinosaurs will have sore bottoms after WE'RE done with them! Hiro: You need to stop talking. Ozma: But we SHOULD help them! Hiro: (Sigh) FINE, fine, we'll do it (The soldiers cheer) Exit the city from the hole in the wall, and head northeast, following the valley. Soon, you'll find a large floating fortress hovering over a section of the ocean. This is where yo uwant to go; the Terror Palace. --Terror Palace-- The entire area is filled with dark corners, red flames and bone ornaments. It also has these weird geenrators. Breaking them opens the doors, and replenishes a bit of MP. This is how you progress through the palace. The best thing to do is go down first, as the bottom level has a series of weapons, such as the Grim Gauntlets and Grave Cleaver for Ozma and Hiro, respectively. You also can talk to some captives in a cage, particularly one mermaid, who seems surly about her stolen goods. Was that what we took? Oops.Well, in any case, now ascend the tower. At the top, you'll see Terror Saurus Rex and a new super-dinosaur. Terror Saurus Rex: We have alerted the Puddings to our presence. No choice but to use you, Beamchiosaurus. Beamchiosaurus: BEEEEEEEEAMUU! Terror Saurus: Indeed! Raze that filthy town to the ground! (The Beamchiosaurus begins to charge energy into its head, but Loyroll raises the Mirror of Kii and the Beamchiosaurus' laser attack is deflected back, ripping a chunk out of its shoulder.) Terror Saurus: NO! NOT AGAIN! --Boss Battle!-- Terror Saurus Rex x1 Beamchiosaurus x1 Terror Saurus LP: 3500 MP: 1000 Beamchiosaurus LP: 6000 MP: 700 This fight is the hardest up to this point, and for good reason. Terror Saurus will repeatedly use stat raising spells, such as Ox Build, Fox Raise, Owl Upper, and the like to raise Beamchiosaurus' defenses and attack, while Beamchiosaurus charges' its eye cannons. Thus, your priority should be to use Combo-Swirl form on Kimyawa or Ozma, and then proceed to attack with either the Mirror of Kii or, if you have it, Bennie Jet with Loyroll. Once Terror Saurus is defeated, then the Beamchiosaurus will go berserk, ceasing its charge action to just smash the party randomly. Hang in there, and you can do it! --Boss Battle!-- Terror Saurus: N-no...Is this the Will of the Universe? Will we always be the butt of everyone's jokes? Loyroll: You merely cannot keep up with the tempo of our will, Dinosaurs. Now, die, kindly, please. (Loyroll takes the Mirror of Kii and raises it, blasting the Terror Palace. The entire palace crumbles and finally explodes, hurling the party into the air.) Loyroll: Well, I didn't expect that to happen. Hiro: WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPE-- (The party crashes into the water, as the mermaid from before swims after them, and picks them all up...)

Amazing Quest 1: Chapter 3

The first half of Chapter 3. Thank you for reading!

Chapter 3: The White Devil Dies in Magma! You'll find yourself by a large dam that is blocking the flow of a large river. Approach the dam on the left side, and you'll see a building you can enter.  --Thoreau-Londo River Dam Complex-- Worker 1: Dammit, the water pressure isn't enough to excavate the giant! What is the General thinking? The river just doesn't have the power they need to cut through the solid rock! Worker 2: Redirect from the electricity generation for the towns, then! The generals want the giant ready for Heavenly King Kord! Worker 1: But the towns depend on that to survive! You know their crops can't grow without the generators! Worker 2: Do it! Worker 1: Fine.... (Pushes a button) Worker 2: It'll be fine, you'll see. It's better this way. (The two walk off) Ozma: How rude! Rulers shouldn't abuse their powers like this! Kimayawa: See? See? This is the extent of the Dark Puddings' Evil! This is why we need to rescue my nii-san! Hiro: Hey, hey, both of you, we need to be quiet now. I don't like the sound of that "Heavenly King" guy... You now can freely move in the dam complex, and , of course, it's filled with enemies, namely Dark Soldiers, Pudding Commanders, and Frenzied Conscripts. You'll find that Kimyawa is adept at putting all of these down, but her defenses are pretty much nil, so putting her behind Ozma or Hiro is advisable. Head down, following the pipes until you enter a crack in the wall. You now can get past the dam, and if you follow the pipes, you'll enter the Glacier Valley Caverns. If not, then if you follow the river upstream, you'll enter the town of Heston. It's up to you. I'll describe the process I did here. --Heston-- The locals here all mention a stranger with purple hair and a variety of swords. However, you'll need to talk to the village elder to proceed. Elder: A strange young man calling himself the hunter of swords came by here a week past, going to the Valley of Giants. Kimyawa: What was he doing there? Elder: Legends tell of a powerful weapon hidden there during the Age of Ice. I believe your brother went there to find it and use it on the dam. This dam and the workers there are killing our ability to grow crops. All they ever use the electricity for is excavating dark technology from the caverns downstream. Hiro: As contrived and two-faced as that explanation was, considering you mentioned the weapon in the Valley of Giants as being helpful, but mentioned dark tech in the caverns downstream, are you setting up a "Technology is bad" message, or a "People are Evil" message? Elder: Whatever makes you angrier. Hiro: Well, uh... Ozma: So, how do we get to that valley? Elder: Well, normally, I'd say, go through the pass to the north, but be warned. You'll have to go past Zaius, that town of damn dirty apes. Be careful. So, as the elder said, go north. Sure enough, there's another town to the north, Enter it to get to Zaius. --Zaius-- The townspeople here are all very surly, and several will outright attack you. After interacting with three people, you'll get another cut-scene: Hiro: What's with these people? Villager: You came from Heston, didn't you? Those culturally backwards savages! We're the future! Hiro: Oh, no...I think we just got into the middle of a culture war... Ozma: What's wrong with Heston? Villager: The real question is, what's RIGHT with Heston? They're the reason our continent is falling into the brink! Hiro: You're kidding, right? The Dark Puddings are on your doorstep, they're stealing your livelihood, and you're fighting your neighbors. What reason do you have to do that? Villager: They open bananas on the bottom as opposed to from the stem! That's not natural! Hiro: ... Ozma: Hahaha....uh... Kimyawa: Etto... Hiro: I'm leaving, this is getting too idiotic. Villager: Yeah, well, I bet you open bananas from the wrong end, too, ya deviant! This is important, as the next bit won't occur if you didn't enter Zaius. Also, you may want to go to Zaius anyways, as it has an upgrade in weapon and armor for both Ozma and Kimaywa (Serafuku armors, Ozma's brutal bracelets, and windmill shuriken for Kimyawa.) Now, enter the gap in the mountains to the northeast. (The party is blown to the ground by a lightning bolt, where a large moustachioed man appears) Man: FLASH! A-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Hiro: An enemy! Man: I am the Praetorian Dou. I am here under the orders of Lord Zoddon himself. You are not to get past me! --Boss Battle!-- Praetorian Dou LP: 5700 MP: 450 Praetorian Dou immediately enters Pudding Form, a Vanilla Wave Form, which makes him immune to fire and air magic. Therefore, don't use Flame or Sky Prana with Kimyawa, but instead use physical attacks, and employ Ozma's Table Flip technique, which has a chance of lowering his defense. However, once he gets down to quarter health, his body will solidify, and you'll do no damage, cuing up a cut-scene. --Boss Battle!-- Hiro: Our attacks are doing no damage! What did you do to your body? Dou: Hahahaha, Lady Jaydea's Heavenly Kings are a wondrous lot. For instance, Lord Kodas has unlocked our ancestor's genes and found all sorts of new ways to empower ourselves. This is one such way; Cornstarch Armor Thickening! Ozma: GASP! Hiro: Who actually SAYS ,"Gasp!"? Anyways, we'll be back! You see! Dou: Tata! You're now booted back to the pass. You then should make your way all the way back to the caverns. Enter them to find the Glacier Valley Caverns. --Glacier Valley Caverns-- The Caverns, are, as their name suggests, covered in ice. Thanks to this, the enemies found here (Frost Munchkin, Sneaky Skier, Ice Flies) are also ice-themed, leading to Kimyawa being even more powerful offensively here, as her Flame Prana deals massive damage to anything and everything. Continue to follow the path, and eventually, you'll find the pipes from the dam, which leads to gouts of steam. Be careful, as you'll get "Red" from being hit by them (Hahaha). After the busted pipes, you'll find a stairway. Descending, you'll enter into the solid rock with large machines humming along the walls, as they (Presumably) drill into the rock. Another Swarthy, mustachioed man: So, how is the progress on the excavation? Worker: Ah, Praetorian Reh, the digging is going well, as you can see, the White Devil is nearly completely excavated... (The camera pans up to reveal a large robot nearly dug out of the ice and rock that seems to have covered it.) Reh: Excellent! Lord Kord ought to be very pleased. With this, the World will be under us soon enough. Hiro: What IS that? Ozma: Um...Dunno! Astute gamers will note that that is in fact, a boss creature which has terrorized those who played Amazing Quest: Pudding Quarter, and many sigh a sigh of relief after having to deal with Lee afterwards. Yes, this is the Golden God Bardugos, the mechanical deity created by the Golden Tribe to protect themselves from the Puddings. But, that's neither here nor there. Approaching it causes another cut-scene. (The machine's eyes flash, and the entire complex rumbles.) Hiro: What did you all do? Ozma: Me? Maybe it was you! Kimyawa: Look out! (The machine lashes out with its arms, and rises up) Bardugos: I AM BARDUGOS THE GOLDEN GUARDIAN! SCANNING FOR GOLDEN TRIBESMAN. AFFIRMATIVE. (It leans down to Ozma) AWAITING ORDERS. Hiro: Say something! Ozma: Uh...um....Oh! Destroy the Dark Puddings in the area! Bardugos: AFFIRMATIVE. (The theme of Bardugos, "Golden Guardian of Genesis" blares, as lances of light surge forward, vaporizing the workers and soldiers around the party. Praetorian Reh: Impossible! The Guardian has awoken already? Wait, no! The Light Puddings! Bardugos: CLIMB ABOARD MY CHASSIS. I MAY PROTECT YOU, MISTRESS. (The party climbs inside the robot's chest as Reh approaches, sword drawn) --Boss Battle!-- Praetorian Reh LP: 5600 MP: 450 This fight is a cakewalk, Bardugos regains HP each round, and has stupidly high defense. In addition, its attacks are a spectacle to behold. One or two of any of them ought to slay Reh, but I am particualrly fond of Golden Guardian Slayer Fist myself. --Boss battle!-- Reh: NO! I can't let the Light Puddings gain control of such a weapon! (Reh draws a grenade from his cloak) Reh: LONG LIVE ZODDON! (Explosion that whites out the screen, leaving Bardugos untouched and the ceiling open) Ozma: The Dark Puddings are willing to sacrifice themselves for their goals.. Kimyawa: BAKA-BAKA-BAKA! Hiro: Let's go pay Dou a visit again... You now have access to Bardugos on the overworld, and he makes random encounters incredibly easy. Head north, back to the pass, where Dou will remain. Dou: So, you return? With a...Ohohoho, you have the Golden God that brother Reh was excavating. So clever. Come! Try your luck again! --Boss Battle!-- Praetorian Dou Redux LP: 6000 MP: 600 Dou's stats are slightly better, but that's no problem for Barudgos. Once hit should drop him into his Cornstrch form, and two more hits ought to do him in. No sweat. --Boss Battle!-- Dou: Aaaaaagh! (Explodes) Hiro: SERIOUSLY! Why does everyone do that? Ozma: Ack! Look! (THe explosion has caused magma to erupt out of the earth) Bardugos: ORDERS, MISTRESS? Ozma: Um...Um....Let us off! Bardugos: AFFIRMATIVE...(it drops Hiro, Ozma and Kimyawa) ORDERS? Ozma: Ah, um...Use your special attack! Strike the magma! Bardugos: AFFIRMATIVE (Charges its eye cannons, but the magma causes the robot to buckle and drop to one knee, making its laser fire at the dam, destroying it in a blossom of white light. The river then floods the surrounding area violently and cools the magma, encasing Bardugos in stone.) Ozma: Bardugos... Bardugos: Do not cry for me, Mistress. I have achieved my function...