still here, barely.

I need professional help. Otherwise I'm gonna end up killing myself.

Happily never after I guess.

I'm so worried about the future. If I ever have one.

Is it okay if I'm sleeping again with my teddy? I've been having so many fearful thoughts lately and specially tonight.

For the last few nights the only thing that keeps me somehow calm is my teddy Carl. I need the comfort from holding him & feeling safe.

Last weekend I went to met this dude I've been chatting with for the last year or so. He bought something to drink (whiskey) and I told him I wasn't gonna drink a lot cause I don't drink that much snd I don't like the feeling of it afterwards so I only accepted the first one.

The night was going smoothly, nice chat, we where talking about anything really, whatever was coming on topic, until he decided to pour me another drink & since everything was kinda okay I accepted the second one & only halfway of the drink that's when he decided to get sexual with me. I didn't mind it at first but I wasn't enjoying it either, until I started to feel sleepy and he got mad, little by little but still mad that I was falling asleep.

At first I thought I was just tired from all the work I did that day but then I started to feel not only sleepy but dizzy and I started to sweat a lot, a weird feeling I felt once before years ago and it came into my mind that I've been intoxicated with that second drink, and, remind you I only drank half of it -thank God, otherwise I don't know if I would be here writing this down- so I decided to call an Uber to go home as quickly as possible. Then this guy started to heat up when I told him I needed to go home cause I didn't felt well. He keep telling me to stay, just to wait a few more minutes and offered me a sleeping pill. Excuse me ? A sleeping pill ?!.

By that moment I already knew his intentions with me, not only he wanted to hook up with me but to rape me while I was unconscious and knowing a friend of his was waiting upstairs for me to fall asleep so they could do it together.

Then my Uber came, like super fast, that was a first really. I ran outside, went inside the car and told the driver that I've been intoxicated and needed to go home quick. I came home feeling like shit, throwing up the alcohol & also blood...

I was scared, alone & my body went into a hypothermia state. I really felt like I was gonna die and I had no one to ask for help. I felt embarrassed to even do it and I know why; because I didn't wanted to feel judge, after all it was my decision to go meet this guy. But it wasn't my decision being drugged.

Now my mind is in such a dark place right now cause I only feel like a toy people can use and throw and I don't wanna feel like that. Im scared that the next guy who talks sweet to me is gonna do the same thing.

I know I was lucky "nothing" happened to me, but I'm a really sensitive person and it affected me on another level. I can't stop thinking about it, I can't stop feeling the fear that I felt that night.

Why is this happening to me ? Do I deserve it? Or is it just a cruel joke?.

I just want this to be over.

how do a make my head stop thinking about everything ? every bite, every calorie.

Post shower b/c i guess

Haven't posted a b/c in a long time. Been feelin like shit

[Photo is me]

I don't wanna think about it

but I do it anyway

and it haunts me

and he won't leave me alone

until it has empty my mind

from every other thought

except him

and the pain he gave me.

please make it stop

depression is an old friend

make this feelings stop.plesse.

not smart enough, not handsome enough, not manly enough, not productive enough. not skinny enough, nothing, I'm just a parasite in this world.

I just can't please myself, I'll never be good enough for myself and that drives me crazy.

The feeling of loneliness woke me up in the middle of the night. I feel like I don't matter and that I don't have any value. Why is that ? is it the after effects of the MDMA or am I just worthless and I am just realizing it now ?

I just wanna be happy.

My blog is for:

Coping with my mental stuff

Getting my disordered thoughts out of me and not letting them eat me up inside

Seeing other ppl with similar issues to not feel so alone, possibly making friends with them so they don’t feel so alone

Making me not feel so crappy

My blog isn’t for:

× For promoting mental disorders

× Promoting self harm

× Putting others down

× Telling others to do what I do

I keep fighting my inner demons, but idk why if I agree with them