oh i cannot wait until the produce section is overflowing with strawberries

i don’t have rizz i have big brown eyes and a loving heart

nothing blander than cishets getting into monster fucking. oh wow you took an emotionally stunted straight man with a superiority complex and gave him blue skin and a cravat? you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

weekends should be like 4 days

anyone around me in any context: my main goal…

me to myself for the next ten seconds: don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

im getting my oil changed and i heard the mechanic go "tee hee hee". whats happening

torture the blonde man some more

they call me paul revere the way my ibs has me bolting out of the new england woods to the nearest town thinking the shittish are coming the shittish are coming

sometimes im like "wow holy shit im being really fucking annoying. i should stop talking" and then i pull out my magic 8 ball and it says "youve always been annoying and your friends chose to talk you anyways. youll be fine" and im like wow thanks magic 8 ball. and then the ogre attacks me

i want to be so so clear- the greatest online innovation is that slider on recipe blogs that changes the serving size youre cooking and gives you the new exact measurements. whoever made that is a king in their own right. whoever made that should never have to work again a day in their life.

btw a fuji will also do it to you

insane what going ham on a single honeycrisp will do for your mental health

the roots that i desire must run deeper than fire :(