On being a good man

Sometimes i feel there are no benefits being a fair, kindhearted, forgiving man in this world. Although being a cynic, truth sayer, egoistical man also does not work well with me, partly because this was not my nature, not really what i am accustomed to, what i know how to behave to. I am not saying that i am a paragon, sin free man, but i do my best to forgive, and trust people who are dear to me. But as it progresses in my life, people who truly appreciate my soul and truly understood my actions can only counted with one hand. The rest of people who are dear to me, and i do truly did my best to help, only crushed my trust, playing it like a damn fiddle, they sure does not care nor understood what i did and what i feel for them, and it is just so painful to see, as i am truly a sensitive man inside. Yes, i know this is a reality, my reality that i need to face, and everyone also needs to face the same reality in their lives. But i just feel so tired, trying to live a positive life philosophy of trusting people, while what i see around me, are just people living like what Machiavelli or Hobbes said as a human nature. My roots may not be strong enough and may be corrupted as i can feel that it is beginning to falter as i live and breath right now. But i hope my branches could be strong enough to hold on my entire tree, when it falls down, and i hope it could grow new root, that is stronger with nothing that corrupts it anymore.

Yuyun : Who is to blame?

The rape of Yuyun, 14 years old student in Bengkulu, Indonesia. Rocked the Indonesian twitterverse (not the major news media, as it is not as profitable as covering for politics, this belongs on another in depth discourse). Long story short, Yuyun was raped by 14 teenagers, and then killed and thrown to a gorge. 

Who is to blame? Several comments blamed the failure of the state to uphold the law, some blamed masculinity and their need to express their male domination, and most of them blamed alcohol as the source of wrong doing, and i see that this event will become their leverage to tighten or ban alcohol altogether.

It is easy to say that alcohol push these teenagers to torture other people, resulting in banning alcohol in Indonesia, while banning legal alcohol is an easy task for the government, it isn’t the same case with illegal alcohol market, as long as there is demand, there will always be supply, and it is a very basic economic tenet the senators who pushes the banning of alcohol to always seemed to forget. Not knowing the field condition, I can always imagine their access to alcoholic beverage, through illegal seller, mom and pop peddlers, or even making their own alcohol, in other words there are always thousand roads to Rome. And banning legal alcohol wont help teenage delinquency at all. 

Instead, we must question our own society, the smallest institution of all, family. Lack of parents authority is in its fullest demonstration here. Parents being their closest role model, might worth to be put under closer spectacle, not just these perpetrators parents, but parents everywhere.

Second, This is a basic story of left alone teenagers seeking affirmation, i might side a bit with the feminists here, affirmation of a male domination, and this case affirms how a male dominated society felt threatened. This case adds on a problem on how patriarchy and male virtues are in question, felt threatened. Another showcase of this problem might be shown with Kemal Pahlevi’s video asking women their bra size, showcasing men domination over women. 

Does men virtues have fallen so deep, and lost forever already?

Weak

The life itself was not a waste,

However we find how worthless we are.

We bring light to the world, however faint it is.

We caught ourselves in conflict with each other,

Because their light has different colors, making ours weaker.

We got threatened and helpless, as a bearer for our color.

If we could bear and bring the same color, 

We would not be special.

No struggles that makes us human.

Written in a bored mood sometime in February, 2016.

#Dia number 5

He chases. Then he instantly falls. He stopped for awhile, turn around and go with the wind. He would never ever chase and fall anymore in his life. It feels better to go with the wind. The wind is never wrong. The wind only fills the emptiest places and blows its touch to the right place. Free from needs, free from the chains of feeling.

For years already he went with the wind and all of these times, the wind never fails him. The wind is always right, the wind is always soothing for him. Then one day, the wind stops blowing, as if it was tired of being chased by him all of these times. He immediately stops chasing the wind too, although this is the best time for him to touch the one thing he chases all of these years. Instead, he looked around him, looked at all the things that chases the wind. Just like him. The wind attracts everything that feels better just to chase its movements, to follow without thinking. It was a plethora of dead things, leaves and branches. Suddenly he feels that this is really the place where he should be. Chasing the wind with these friends. He could chase the wind forever, without even thinking about losing track and the fear of falling anymore.

He is very happy to found out that these are his friends on his journey of chasing the wind together. To feel the soothing touch of the wind. From this brief rest of the wind, he also looked at around the place where the wind rests. Full of sadness, disappointment, just like himself. He kept on being happier and feels good to choose this choice of chasing the wind. He knew he will feel the same as this place had not he chases the wind.

I’m very grateful for you, wind, he says. But the wind will never stop to hear his gratitude, something he knew all along. The wind then started to move from its rest and started to blow, searching for the place that needs its soothing touch. The wind moves, he and his friends started to follow the wind too, chasing the wind.

The wind, the strength giver, with the soothing touch it always had started to blow harder, harder than it always been. He and his friends started to be quizzed by the wind strange behavior. Why would the wind become this harsh? The wind was always calm and soothing for them, giving the things they always wanted in ther lifes. Calamity. But why would the wind changes?

They started to looked further and saw bigger gust of wind around them. Right then, the wind started to talk to them. Stop, says the wind. I am tired of being chased by you. I am tired to carry your weights. I am tired to keep on giving you those calming touch. I am tired, and i do have a place to go. Not once in my gust, in my blow, in my touch do i forgot my destination. And that is my destination, those bigger winds is my destination, and i have to be with them. There will never be me anymore, as i will be together with them, there will only be us, the wind. Stop, there is no place for you there.

Goodbye. He falls again. Worser than ever. He thought he would never be afraid with the wind in front of him, but here it is, the same thing happened again. And it is more bitter, because he doesnt have any clue where to go next. The wind left him, disappoints him too.

From faraway, the wind blows hard, unites with its friends. The wind knows that he left his chasers to depression. But, the wind has the bigger responsibility. It has to share its touch and calming blow to farther places. At its last seconds, the wind knows, one day, this bigger wind will still touches them. And also other smaller wind that is still searching for its destination.

Time for early morning ramblings

Good morning. As the holiday here in Indonesia is ending (the idul fitri holiday) there must be some things that still stuck in our mind as one of desperate holiday seekers. I will point out some of it in my own world. 1. I still misses my girlfriend so bad, i havent met her this holiday. Because i spent my holiday fully with my family. This really drives me crazy because i do misses her so much. And i really mean it, in fact the reason i wrote this on my early morning flight is because when i woke up on 3 am (she even woke me up by phone) i feel so blessed of having her, and i can feel my body shivers with the mere feeling of missing her and it drives me so mad! God how i missed her! Even though this makes me crazy, i will still be able to channel this feeling towards my working spirit this week because i already planned to meet her on the weekend! I cant wait for saturday to come. I missed you SFL. 2. A week of holiday with the family is a long time, however i still feel that i still wanted to be with my family, spend time with my brothers and sister, my mother and father. In fact i always feel sad after leaving them, i might look uncaring, but deep down inside, i just dont want to leave them, i want to be with them... i just try to forget it because it is very saddening to keep thinking and feeling like i dont want to leave them. So please god, keep them safe for me. Thats's it. I have to run for my morning flight! Bye!

Voices in my head

Sometimes, if you stay still in an empty room, there are voices talking to you. Voices that makes you happy or depressed which you will never know which one will come to you and feed your mind. Well, all i can hear nowadays is depressing voices, feeding my mind with endless fears. Fear of the future, fear of being alone, fear of everything, it is really scary if you ever feel the same with me. Well, i always smile. I rarely complain in public, i rarely admit that i am scared, but i think now i have to admit that i am scared because it's getting more and more intense, even the slightest time im alone i feel scared and its eating my body. Its hard for me to have a sound sleep nowadays, i stay up late, i woke up early. It feels like i just dont wanna be alone, i really need someone to hold and hug. I just want the depressing voices disappear. I want my happy voices come to me again. If somebody i know read this. Please dont treat me any differently, that will just make the voices come more often. Just hug me. That will do. You dont need to know why i feel like this, just hug me.

Holes

Jakarta.

In the end, I think the relationships that survive in this world are the ones where two people can finish each other’s sentences.

Douglas Coupland (via blue-voids)

I waste so much time already, i suck at this. I am stupid, confused and naive

You are not too old. You are not too young. You are not too poor. You are not too sick. You are not any of the things that stop you from doing what must be done. You are right here. You, are just right.

I Wrote This For You: The Golden Locks Phenomena (via kari-shma)

A classic Jaguar, i forgot the time it was built. i think it was around 1960 or so?

Red Impala