Relationships are a two-way street

hmm..ito na naman. I thought ok na ko dito, or tanggap ko na or I made peace with it. Hindi pa rin pala. Ganito kasi, I struggled for months na mawala ang sama ng loob ko sa hipag ko and byenan ko kasi ayaw ko talaga sa kanila, lalo sa ginagawa nila kay sef. nageeffort na nga ung tao to reach out to them, pero balewala sa kanila. I prayed for months na mawala sama ng loob ko and eventually it did. Until our recent visit sa bahay. We have to vote so we have to go home. Ayaw nga ni sef, kaso sabi ko I can't bear na magkasala sa Ama na pwede ko naman magawan ng paraan. So aun umuwi kami. Sympre dumalaw sya sa nanay nya, aun dun na nagsimula. Kung ano ano sinasabi tungkol sa kin ng byenan ko. Na kesyo di ako nanganagamusta, na kesyo sisingilin ko sila pag nagpunta sila dito. Like what? araw araw ako nagttext sa kanya ok granted automated un pero dedma sya. binati ko nung bday nya and mother's day wala dedma. tapos ganyan? di nila ako binati nung bday ko, ok lang sa kin kasi nga baka busy sila. and yes nagtampo ako nung di nila ako binati so nag experiment ako how would they feel if sa kanila ginawa. di ko binati hipag ko, and guess what? defensive sya about it. ako alam ko kung bakit di ko sya binati e sya? hahaha nakakainis she made it about her na naman. namababaligtad. and the issue na sisingilin ko sila if andito sila sa cebu like when ko sinabi un?? wala akong sinasabing ganun. ung byenan ko ung nagsabi na pag kasama ko si mama noon sa pagkuha ng laptop isoli ko raw ung per sa kanila e. nakakainis kasi sila lang dapat tama pero pag sa kanila ginawa hindi pwede. unfair. pero sympre choose to be the bigger person kasi kami nakakaunawa e. no matter what nanay at kapatid pa rin ni sef un and malaki rin naman naitulong nila sa amin. pero grabe naman ung palayasin mo anak mo at di na pakainin kasi pinagtanggol lang nya asawa nya? kasi di sya nagaagree sau? ano un? itatakwil mo anak mo kasi magkaiba kayo ng opinyon? di mo matanggap na mali ka kasi magulang ka? unfair sobra. naawa ako sa asawa ko. di nya deserve un. porke di kami nagbbgay ng pera pwede na nila tratuhin sya ng ganun? lalo na nageeffort asawa ko to reach out to them? napaka toxic. kaya ayaw umuuwi ng asawa ko :( e di naman pwede andun family namin :( sana matapos nato. duwag naman sila sa confrontations. ayaw ng difficult conversations. sabi ko wag na padaanin kay sef kasi nagchat ako sa hipag ko kasi nga para idefend sarili ko kay sef pa rin nagchat. duwag. un pa naman pinakaayaw ko sa lahat. kung di lang sila pamilya ng asawa ko, never ako magttyaga sa kanila talaga. anyway sana matapos so we can all protect our peace.

may issue pala sa kin di ako kinausap. ano un ako lang dapat mag effort? pano ko malalaman na may issue sila kung di nila sasabihin? pano nila malalaman na di tama assumptions nila kung di sila makikipag usap? tapos nageexpect sila ng mga bagay na di nila ginagawa? ano un? like I said relationship is a two-way street. di pwedeng isa lang mageffort, isa lang makikipagcommunicate di un magwworkout. mga duwag hahahaha

Midlife crisis

I think I understand this now.

You are in the middle of your life, and you realize, you’re getting old. With that, everyone around you also gets old. Worst thing is, some of the people you know starts dying. And it sinks in.

I have been struggling with these thoughts for months now. I mean, I know we cannot evade death, but it scares the hell out of me. The thought one day, you will be alone freezes me. You see, I always have this idea that I will live forever, because judgement day is close. But what if I don’t live long enough to witness that? Am I ready to die? Am I ready to be alone? These thoughts plague me endlessly. I mean, if I am going to die one day, para saan pa mga ginagawa ko?

Then, I realized, I have to have a purpose. I have to have goals. Your purpose should not be tied to this world, because eventually, the world will end. And this is where I realized that my purpose is to serve God, while I am living in this world and in the eternal life He promised us. It is imperative that you have faith, else, you will be driven mad by depression. I am grateful to be steadfast in my faith because I know God will guide me. He is the true living God who created everything and everyone. 

I also read my goals and that made me perk up. As long as I have goals, that will keep me going. 

I really hate I am going through this phase in life. I guess, I have to so I will become stronger and wiser. I am not giving up without a fight. I know I matter, I know I am love, and I have a God who will save me. 

My USA trip

hmmmmmm.. where to start?

All I can say is, Europe and USA are very different. 

Ok, I’ll start with my trip.

My trip started at Cebu (May 19, 2023), then Korea, then LA, then Chicago, finally, LaCrosse where the hotel is a 30 minute drive.

The trip itself went for 36 hours, probably because of the long layover in Korea which is 8 hrs.

I did not enjoy the airplane trip at all. It was looonnggg and uncomfortable. On top of that, I got diarrhea. Ugh, so disgusting and inconvenient. I have a sort-of rule, not pooping in public places specially in an airplane. I broke all those rules, that’s how upset my stomach was. I blame the food I ate. Dumplings with Chilli garlic in cebu, penne alfredo in korea, nachos in korea and bibimbap. Never again.

Once I got in the USA, my luggage was delayed a day. I have no clothes. All of my clothes are in my luggage, and the hotel has no robe. So I used a sheet to be a dress haha! Oh, upon checking in, the concierge said that our hotel is not paid for. Huh. I mean, there I was, worrying about my luggage, stomach and ass about to burst, and they are saying we cannot check in?? I was like NOOOO. hahaha but it all turned out fine. We paid for at least 2 nights for the meantime and finally, I was able to take a bath because I feel so gross, and finally had proper toilet time. I was not able to enjoy that first day in US.

Saturday, I have to have clothes. So, I wore my old clothes, went commando, and went to Target. I think I have spent 145 usd for my clothes haha! I bought 3 days worth of clothes in case I will never see my luggage again. I have a dinner with my colleague Sara that afternoon that’s why I bought clothes. Fortunately, when we were about to leave the hotel, my luggage arrived! YAY! We went to Freighthouse and I had the filet and it was sooo good! I also had my first Shirley temple and I liked it.

My stomach is still upset, but it got better by Sunday morning. That afternoon, we also have another dinner meeting with Sean. We went Mexican. I was feeling normal, but apparently Mexican food does not agree with me. I had Enchilada by the way. So Monday morning at 2:30 am, my stomach is hurting so, so bad that I went to the bathroom. Then there it go, another serious case of diarrhea. I was not able to sleep until it was time to go to office. Needless to say, on my first day in the office, I was nauseous and my stomach hurting as hell. Oh, and it was training day too. I want to work in the hotel but apparently the training does not have teams meeting so I have to be there. Fortunately, Sara introduced me to pepto. It helped me a lot in the morning and I was feeling quite better until after lunch. I ate a sandwich and soup, and then my stomach hurt again. I was able to brave it until 5pm, which I did number 2 in the bathroom because I cannot hold it in anymore. I hate wiping my ass but what to do???? So I did not eat any dinner, just saltines, gatorade to hydrate and some ginger ale. It helped a lot because the next day, I was feeling a whole lot better.

The next day (Tuesday), Sean took me to Hillside fish house. Lynuel were supposed to go with us but he fell asleep ( and he still denies he has jet lag). I had the best ribeye ever! But since my stomach is still not great, I did not eat the whole thing. Which I regretted, but hey, health comes first.

Then Wednesday, we went on a river cruise. Watlow sponsored it Yay! It has drinks and pizza as snacks. It was an hour and a half cruise and it was fun. It reminded me of our Bohol trip. The Loboc river cruise.

Thursday was uneventful but that’s ok because I was able to pray to God because I missed Church that day. :(

Friday, we went to Peter’s house for grilled brats and smores! I love Smores!! It was really good, I like Hershey’s more than Reese’s in my smores. Reese’s are too sweet. I have met Peter’s wife, Amanda, which is a charming lady, and his 2 kids. Sawyer (3 years old) and Dawson (1 year old). We had fun and went to Garvin heights.

Saturday, we were supposed to go hiking, but I got my period. So I spent Saturday and Sunday at the hotel, doing laundry haha! Yes, the first ever hotel I have experienced doing my own laundry. Oh this is when I bought a pair of sandals on impulse. Flittop. goodbye 80 usd huhu.

Monday came (May 29, 2023), and fortunately for us, it’s a holiday! It is called Memorial day. So we went to Mall of America.  Sara and I bought matching crocs Sandals haha because if you buy one, you can get another pair with 25% off. I told her I want it but I don’t want to spend 60 usd for it. She liked the pair I liked and she decided to get one too hahaha enabler hahaha! I bought a Victoria’s secret bra because I’ve seen Penny and Amy (big bang theory) buying their underwear in there so I want one haha! I was able to find one around 20 usd (which is cheap) that has my size! I was ecstatic! I also bought mama perfume in there, it smells really nice :) I also bought my stash of bath and body works, 2 aprons and a magnet for my ref haha as souvenirs.

Then we went to IKEA to look at furniture. I did not like it that much, but it was nice to look at. Then we finally went to the outlet store. I got Gem and Ryan and the Kids GAP outfit. Oh my gosh I forgot about Tito Herky!!! All GAP items are on sale!!! I only got the Shark family outfits there. I did not like most of the items there since they are only t-shirts and denims. Then we went to the Converse store where I got a pair of sneakers for only 24.99 (1300 php)!! that’s dirt cheap! I planned to get only budz a pair but I decided to get one too so we are matching. It’s yellow, and so cute!

Then we went to this Italian restaurant, I didn’t like it that much, then finally went home.

Tuesday was uneventful.

Wednesday got interesting. Peter took us shooting haha. I almost backed out of it because I feel scared. But went on with it and I glad I tried it. We shot a rifle and shotgun. It feels surreal for me. I never held a gun before. I have seen one, it was Ninong Arnold’s. I feel uncomfortable around it, and I really did not care for the feedback. I always get surprised the moment I pulled the trigger and hear the shot and feel the kickback all at once. It is a rush yes, but I don’t think I will want it as a sport. Lynuel enjoyed it a lot (may pagka criminal siguro sya) haha!

Thursday, we went back to the hotel early because Sara has to get Kara and Peter was not around. It was also raining haha! So at 2:30, we are already in the hotel which I was grateful for because I will have more time to do laundry, packing, dinner and praying. I packed all of my things already.

Friday, today. I was awakened by a phone call with an unknown number at 2:30 am. Then I went online to see if there were chats from my family to see if they were calling and gem had a message with Teh then 3 crying emojis and I panicked. I called her but she didn’t answer so I called mama, which is not online so I called kuya who answered. Thankfully everyone was fine. Gem is just dramatic because she accidentally bought a SB tumbler and wants to borrow money. Oh my goodness. I tried going back to sleep but anxiety overwhelms me so I decided to turn on the TV and listened to MTV classic, which thankfully were playing 90s music and not noisy rock. I was able to go back to sleep. The morning went by and I had coffee because I feel tired. We are about to go to Sara’s for thanksgiving dinner. We went to an Italian place for lunch, I had aglio oglio, I didn’t like it because I can cook that way better than them but I enjoyed the tiramisu and cannoli. Later today, I do not know what to expect but I hope we have fun and we can go home early because we have a very early flight tomorrow. I’ll update this again.

What to do?

It happened last Sunday, which was 4 days ago, a friend of mine chatted me that sometimes he thinks he wants to kill himself. He does not know how long he can hold on.

To give a background on what he went thru, typhoon odette damaged their client hotel. This meant he is not getting paid. Then, a client of his didn’t pay him for the website he did with my husband. Then, he lost a newborn child, a twin. The other twin lived, but the other one died.

I know what grief is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone even my bitterest enemy. It consumes you. It makes you don’t want to live anymore. Weeks after my father’s death, there are days where I wish I will not wake up. But, of course, I didn’t do anything about those thoughts. Because I pray. I have a God.

But my friend does not have a God. He doesn’t have anyone he believes in. And that will surely suck the hope out of you. I tried to console and comfort him, but he refuses to listen. I don’t know what to tell him that will get through him. I concluded he should help himself first before anyone can help him right? Like why are you telling me this? What do you want from me? What do you expect me to do?

So that was Sunday, the Tuesday came. Here he is again, snapping. He was talking to my husband instead of me, but this time I was really stressed. He and my husband is in a project and he wants to quit because of the various reasons, which for me are selfish reasons.

I was so mad at him. The stress carried on until Wednesday and I felt it physically. My head hurts, and until today, Thursday, sometimes I find it hard to breathe. That is why I decided to create this post to let it go. I am mad because maybe I cannot accept that I misjudged his character. I pride myself in correctly identifying one’s character by my gut. The first time I met him, I didn’t get a vibe that he is a weak, coward, selfish jerk. But yeah people change. Maybe that’s why I am mad. Why is he being like this? Doesn’t he love his family anymore? He has a son, a newborn baby and a wife. What would happen to them if he kills himself?? Also, he dragged my husband to this project. My husband resigned because of this, and I absolutely loathe it that our livelihood depended on his mood. I am absolutely livid. But it is not good to my health anymore. I really should let this go. I have to accept that he is what he is and we can’t do anything about it. We can only influence him, but it is still totally up to him how to live his life and I shouldn’t care about it. Except I care because he is a friend. But if this continues, I don’t know if I still want to be his friend. I mean I want to support him and everything but I cannot do it if he doesn’t help himself first. We are all have our own battles to fight, and your energy is limited, so I decided to not give him the spare energy I have if he won’t listen. Does that make me a bad friend? I don’t know. But I know that I have to take care of myself first before others. I feel bad for his wife. She has to deal with him everyday on top of caring for their children. I really hope he can stay afloat above his grief. I hope he can come to his senses for his family. People make terrible decisions when they are scared, angry or desperate. That is why we have God. But since he is not religious, I don’t know what to tell him. I think what makes me mad also is that I have to be nice. I want to lash out at him to make him see sense, but I cannot do that because I don’t know him very well. I don’t know what will push him over the edge and I really don’t want be the reason he went over the edge. What I can do is pray and leave this to God. To give me patience and a pure heart that I hope can guide my friend.

Update:

Apparently this guys is really unhinged. Out of nowhere, after attending two meetings when he seems fine, he chatted my husband that we didn’t show him an ounce of compassion that’s why he is quitting with finality. Apparently, there’s a separate gc where reina (the investor who quit because he is egging her on) is bad mouthing him and nobody told him what she said. The nerve right? 1. He created his own ghost and now he is scared by it. 2. There’s no gc!!! Even if there was, my husband is not in it! 3. We didn’t show an ounce of compassion?! That’s all we ever did to him!!!!!!!!

I don’t know what his deal is, and I am so upset that I was wrong in judging him. When I met him since 2021, he seems ok. We chat in messenger and met in person but I didn’t get the vibe that he is crazy. But he lost a child, and maybe that changed him. So, I blocked him. I don’t want to be associated with him anymore because he is really toxic. I blocked him in fb and LinkedIn too. He is really unstable and erratic. I humbly accept I was wrong with being friends with him and it will never happen again. I will still trust my instincts, but I will be very wary this time.

Common courtesy; or is it?

Is common courtesy really common?? Seems not like it anymore.

Last week, we had visitors. They are our teammates from the US. The ones we always interact with. So, on their last day, they decided to have a city tour here in Cebu. So we all went, along with my teammate who is a cebuano, and our team lead in the office, who is also a cebuano and our designated driver.

The whole trip in the car, which started from 9am and lasted until 3pm, my cebuano teammate is talking non-stop. That would have been great right? But he is talking in BISAYA. Which I could not understand, and specially the americans we are with. He just keeps talking to his fellow cebuano who is driving us in their local dialect, without any regards for us. He knows how to speak in English, he just chose not to. RUDE right?

I mean what is his problem?! If he can talk that long without stopping, at least share us the topic right? Speak in English damn it! Maybe we can contribute to the topic. Even our driver is not talking to him anymore haha he just says yes or nods. But he just kept on and on and on. I don’t know it seems like he is trying his best to make us feel out of place. It annoyed me a lot. Why did he do that?? I mean I know it’s a struggle to speak in english, but all I am asking is he try. I am not expecting him to talk all day in english to them, but at least talk to them. I mean if I am the only one in the car and we don’t have visitors, that’s fine with me. But what he did is really, really rude. I really don’t want to travel with him anymore. He really disgusted me.

I am ranting it here now because I have no choice but to talk to him because he is my teammate. I need this to get out of me for the sake of our office relationship. But one thing is clear, this made me like him less.

Kind of feeling depleted at the moment. Need to recharge.

Yeah, 100 💯.

My husband is so in tuned with me. He senses even the slightest shift of my mood. Sometimes, he can tell something is wrong just by looking at me. Seems like he can read my mind. I love it, and sometimes it freaks me out haha! I love that I can tell him everything, and how he can make me feel better. I am grateful for him. ❤️

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

— (via amargedom)

Looovvvvveee this hahaha

anya humbling damian with her punch

Overwhelming Disappointment

Today, my teammates Sara and Barett arrived to the Philippines from the US. I am equal parts excited and stressed about this. Excited because finally, I will be able to meet them in person, and I have this huge crush on Barett (giggles) but at the same time stressed because it’s my first time being a host. It’s a big deal for me for them to have a great time. I really want to create a great impression.

So now, we have this plan to go the beach on the weekend along with the rest of the cebu team. I invested on this. Meaning, I go to their excursions before with their visitors. So when the time comes that we would have visitors, they would do the same.

Suprise, surprise! No one wanted to come. Except for Elmer and Mam Malou, the rest will not join. What f is that??? Why??? Don’t they like me? Is it because I am a Tagalog?? Why?? Yes, I taking this personally. I feel like they don’t like me enough to put in effort the way I did for them. I think that’s what annoys me the most. They would not even try. I tried. Why couldn’t they?? I haven’t interacted with Kyle at all but I came to that stupid Island hopping and shelled out cash. They also have these bullshit reasons like prior commitments where in fact Dahlia sent the invitation a week ago. I am furious.

Will it be too much to ask? They will just bring themselves. The day pass already has lunch included and the previous excursions even costed more. Also, Dahlia will book the day pass and they can pay her on our payday or even in July. So I don’t get why they don’t want to come and that’s why I am taking it personally. I am frustrated and disappointed. I thought they genuinely like me. Apparently not, or not enough. Maybe I am not friendly enough. Huh. I’ve done nothing but to be friendly to them. They just don’t want to put in the effort. Also, Lynuel. He does not care at all. All he cares is going to the US. He could have asked how is Sara and Barett, but no. Huh.

Well, then I won’t make efforts again. I will not come to their excursions anymore. Even if it’s Roly or Xin. To hell with them. Never again. Or maybe until I am satisfied with my vengeance.

Although, I don’t want to feel this way for long. I will suffer for sure. I like my job. I like their culture and environment. I also like how close it is to our house. I don’t want to resent them until I resign. So here I am ranting. I just want it out of my system. I’ll get over it. Eventually. When is the question. I want to get rid of this feeling right away, but knowing my self, I have to steam more for a while before I can let this go. I just have to accept they don’t like me enough to care and put in effort the same way I did. Good thing, when I talked it out with my husband, I feel lighter. Maybe tomorrow, hopefully, it will be gone.

Fruits basket reboot 2019

Warning: This is a rant which contains a lot of spoilers. Read at your own risk.

Ok, where do I start? 🧐

I have mixed emotions right now and was not able to sleep. I am equal parts happy, sad, disappointed and pissed. Wow, mostly negative emotions 😅

I have heard of this anime way, way back. Back then, I am obsessed with Cardcaptor Sakura so I was not really interested in this anime. Maybe that was my instincts telling me to stay the hell away from this anime. I have listened to it before, should have kept listening to it.

My husband and I were surfing netflix for a series to watch and we came across this anime. We got curious because one, we were surprised it’s on Netflix when in fact it was an old anime and second, the zodiac curse intrigued us.

So we watched this anime, and I was hooked! You know why? Because of Yuki and Tohru. I shipped them so hard so when we were done with the first season, I researched where to watch season two and to my ecstatic joy, found it on my favourite anime site. I was thinking, yey, more Tohru and Yuki!!

Season two is still ongoing, last episode is episode 20. You have to wait every Tuesday for the new episode. Needless to say, I gobbled up season two in just a day, not needing sleep. 😂

In episodes 18-20, I have this inkling that my ship is about to sink. Since Rin came aboard, deep down, I know that Tohru will not be for Yuki. Why? Because when Yuki saw Rin and Hatsuharu kissing, he was wondering how it is to feel to have someone to like. Which got me thinking “Eh? Aren’t you like that with Tohru?”. Then another evidence, when Rin wanted to cry to Tohru like a child to her mother, Yuki realized that Rin and him yearns for the same thing. Ouch.

So in episode 20, the cliffhanger is Yuki telling Kakeru what he yearns for Tohru. I couldn’t wait until next Tuesday, so I read the Manga. Stupid me (Watashiwa baka des).

And I have confirmed, that Yuki yearns for a mother in Tohru. And I was like, “what?!”. I kept trudging on the Manga, having this delusional hope that I misunderstood it or there might be a chance that they will be involved romantically. And I regretted that decision very much.

Reading the chapters when Yuki and Tohru are finding the love of their lives are simply heart breaking for me. I am so sad, disappointed and angry. Kept questioning why? Why? Why???? Why couldn’t you two end up with each other?? Why Kyo?!Why Machi?!

Yeah I know it’s on me, since It’s my decision to keep reading. My curiosity got the better of me and I also wanted to know what will happen to the curse and the rest of the gang. So I read on, despite the pain in my chest for not having my Tohru and Yuki. Despite watching them getting farther apart, romantically.

Until the last chapter. Yuki was able to confess to Tohru how he feels (like a mother) and finally calls her by her first name. He said thank you and shaked her hand. And I was like, “WTF?!”. You know, I could have settled for a hug, but no. They shaked hands!!!

Why?! A hug could have been good there right? Since the curse have beem lifted already and they can hug all they want. All throughout the manga, Tohru and Yuki never hugged. She hugged Kyo instead, even if the curse is still not yet lifted. Ugh.

I just hoped they hugged, for the last time. They were parting ways and would not see each other for a long time. I believe that calls for a hug right? But no. They shaked hands. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My heart is not happy at all. I am glad though that in the end, they were all freed from the curse. Even the most twisted one, Akito, turned over a new leaf after meeting Tohru and experiencing true kindness and love from her.

What I can conclude in this anime, is that the curse was a side story. It was about how these characters healed and moved on from their horrible pasts and learned how to love, hope and look forward to the future, all because of Tohru.

Still all of me wishes that Tohru ended up with Yuki.

I should have done this! 😭

I legit stopped reading fruits basket cause a friend of mine told me she picks kyo

I been sick recently and I finished reading fruits basket and I’ve been in the mood! Diviantart: clairethehumhog

Manga : Fruits basket <3 

Just omg I love this manga <3 

I don’t care what everyone says, but Yuki and Tohru should’ve been a couple.

I ALMOST ship it

Yuki and tohru! That’s it for me.

Relationship

Yuki Sohma and Tohru Honda (Fruits Basket 2019)

Alterous attraction, huh? 🤔