desdemonafictional
My Love Is Consumption
A fanfic only blog for Desdemonakaylose || regular memes and reblogs @sauntervaguelydown
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a scene from chapter 12 from a little more comedy (by @sauntervaguelydown ), an absolutly amazing fic that ive reread quite a few times. Its such an importanf story to me but specifically this scenes been bouncing around in my mind recently so of course i drew it. also it gave me an excuse to draw a city scene, i had fun with the perspective
i wish i had the vocabulary to describe how important this story is to me aaaaa qwq
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Alejandra Pizarnik’s (1936 -1972) handwritten poems “Nue” (”Naked) and “à toi” (”to you”)” from “French Poems”
“Nue. Sommeil du corps transparent comme un arbre de verre. Tu entends près de toi la rumeur brutale d’un désir inextricable. Nuit aveuglément mienne. Tu es plus loin que moi. Horreur de te chercher dans l’espace rempli de cris de mon poème. Ton nom c’est la maladie des choses à minuit. On m’avait promis un silence. Ton visage est plus près de moi que le mien. Mémoire fantôme. Comme j’aimerais te tuer –“
“Naked. Fatigue of the body transparent as a glass-tree. Near yourself you hear the brutal rumor of inextricable desire. Night blindly mine. You’re farther gone than me. Horror of checking for you in the screams of my poem. Your name is the disease of things at midnight. They had promised me one silence. Your face is closer to me than my own. Phantom memory. How I’d love to kill you – “
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I don’t want to write it but I AM thinking about a megarung scenario where Megatron is on a self imposed no-overload regime which he justifies to himself as being “devoted” and “unselfish” and “praxis probably” but it’s actually just him being sooooo horny about the idea of denying himself things and being a service top. He doesn’t tell Rung about this, he just eats him out twice a day and then stops having sex as soon as Rung overloads because he’s a mess and frankly the dick is so good Rung doesn’t even notice for weeks
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one thing I will say for my very clumsy, pretentious 32 chapter story written in 2009: the wedding chapter at the end actually manages to still make me smile
also I am so fucking aromantic it kills me, I was literally out there writing wedding vows about how nothing was going to change in their relationship and the characters weren't even going to sleep with each other afterwards
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this is the horror. You remember, and it makes you a better person. You know what you are fighting for. You know that every moment matters, that every action matters, that what you do can make a difference. You remember making a difference. You will make a difference. You will take the thing that went wrong and you will grasp it in your hands and you will pull until the knot is revealed, and you will--sweating in the dark at the bottom of this pit--unravel the swollen salty calcified mass until only the clean perfect line remains. Above you, the world is changed.
You will climb up into the light. And once you are there, you will not remember.
You will still exist. But you will be Worse.
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Marissa: Care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our apartment?
Thundercracker: They're golden retrievers, Marissa. They retrieve gold. I did this for us.
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Post canon WIP (Scene 1)
“I’ve been thinking,” Kabru said.
Annoyingly, Laios did not look up from the encyclopedia he was flipping through. He’d had a wistful, almost pained expression on his face for the last several minutes as he paged through the book that Mithrun had leant them. It was a detailed record of monsters known in the west, their appearances and habits and weaknesses, aimed at an audience of future Canaries destined for the dungeons of the outside world.
At first Laios had been thrilled, commenting constantly on this fact or that fact, and the quality of illustrations, and points where he happened to know the encyclopedia had gotten something wrong. But bit by bit, he’d gone quiet. And now he simply sat there, with that look on his face, as if the book hurt him to touch.
Kabru sat down on the edge of the table and placed his finger over the page.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said again.
Laios looked up.
“I know this life isn’t the one you wanted,” Kabru said. “We’re all grateful… I’m especially grateful, for what you’ve done. And I know… how it is with desires, I’ve seen what it costs to give up a part of yourself. But I’ve said this to someone else before—maybe the thing you used to want is beyond you now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have new desires. New interests.”
Laios gave him a tired look. “You’re talking about my curse,” he said. “Kabru, it’s fine. I’ve made peace with it. At the end of the day, there’s still books and things.” He gestured at the encyclopedia, as if it hadn’t just been making him miserable. “Just because I can’t see monsters up close anymore doesn’t mean I want to forget about them.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Kabru said. “I meant—without giving up on monsters, you can have other, different things as well, right?”
He slid the book aside, carefully marking the page before closing it.
“Let me teach you about people,” Kabru said. “People are really interesting! A human bite is functionally poisonous, and humans are actually very difficult to kill despite having no natural weapons—the things a human can do, not just dwarves and elves but tallmen too, and halflings—we’re amazing animals, incredibly adaptable, physiologically and mentally.”
“I don’t know,” Laios said, “humans are…”
Kabru considered him for a moment, appraising his uneasy, twisted expression. There were bits he’d learned about Laios, here and there, that suggested a story that Kabru had never dared ask directly about.
“Let me guess,” Kabru said, “and tell me if I’m wrong. Humans are something other to you, right? Something irrational. Alien. Humans took your childhood and destroyed it. Humans drove you from your home, hurt the people you loved. The harm came out of nowhere, without explanation, and you were powerless against it. You lived in fear of them, and even now, in some ways, you’re still afraid. Deep down, you find the idea of them revolting.”
Laios’s face was white. His fingers clenched in the fabric of his trousers, bloodless.
“Am I making the comparison clear enough?” Kabru asked.
“I don’t…” Laios said. “You’re not revolting to me.”
As much as he’d like to say otherwise, some small part of Kabru was relieved to hear it. Laios had said he liked him, had called him a friend, but Laios was so difficult to understand sometimes. And Kabru worried. He had always worried, ever since he met Laios.
“Thanks,” Kabru said, making light of it. “You’re not so bad yourself.”
Laios didn’t smile. “The Winged Lion said some similar things to me,” he admitted. “And it’s true, there have been times in my life when I hated humans, when I wished for—um. Things that would probably scare you. But I also… know that I can’t ever really give up on being a human. Not just because of the curse…”
Laios ran his fingers through the downy feathers at the neck of his cloak, as if he was soothing himself.
“When I was a kid, I wanted to stop being human so badly it hurt. But when I was transformed, all I did was kill—I didn’t recognize anyone, not even the people I wanted to save most in the world. What I really wanted, all along, was to have it both ways. To be a monster, and also be myself.”
Taking a chance, Kabru reached out and took Laios’s hand. Broad and narrow, pale and dark, but they had the same callouses. He gave a squeeze.
“If you look at it the right way, I think you can have it both ways,” Kabru said. “Sort of.”
Laios frowned up at him.
“Let’s think about humans as a kind of monster,” Kabru went on. “What are their habits? Their strengths? What drives them, what makes them act like they do? I’ll teach you. Like I said, it’s really very interesting. Humans are driven by instinct as much as any other animal. They have predictable behaviors, once you understand the mechanisms.”
He squeezed again and then let go.
“Hunger, attraction, territoriality—We like to think we’re different than other creatures, but we’re really not,” Kabru said. “We’re just a bit more complicated, because of language.”
He opened the encyclopedia back up and paged through until he found the direwolf Laios had been chattering about earlier. “You said direwolves have a social family structure, just like humans. And just like humans, they can have abusive family dynamics, right? If the lead female bullies the younger females, the younger ones might rise up and kick her out of the pack, isn’t that what you said? So then, sometimes they don’t rise up. Why only sometimes?”
Laios blinked at Kabru’s finger. “You were listening to that?”
“I told you,” Kabru said. “I want to understand. When I watch you, I believe that there must still be some value in monsters. If you see something beautiful in them, then there must be something beautiful in them.”
He considered the illustration for a long moment, each tuft of fur with its own graceful motion, the detail rendered so closely, with such care of knife against block print.
“Things that are frightening can also be beautiful, don’t you think?”
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Chapters: 2/4
Fandom: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Alice “Wazzer” Goom & Mildred Froc
Characters: Alice “Wazzer” Goom, Mildred Froc, Sacharissa Cripslock, Otto von Chriek, Original Characters
Additional Tags: Politics, Plot, Religious Discussion, Visions
Series: Part 6 of Six Months Passed.
“Thank you, general,” Alice says, clutching the letter to her chest, “but I… I must ask you for more.”
Froc watches her, saying nothing. She’s smiling.
Alice bites her lip. It was easier to ask for things when the Little Mother was telling her what to ask for, when there was someone with her. This, she asks for alone. “When the troops arrive tonight,” she says, “I request that you bequeath to me one regiment, which I will take to the town of Cröen, for the purposes of finding and shuttering a women’s workhouse, which I believe to be there.”
Froc continues to watch her. She has stopped smiling.
Alice folds her hands on her lap, because she has finished speaking. She stares back, and she waits.
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IDW Dead End/Megatron/Drift
Coffee Shop Baristas and the Regular They Make Fun of
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hello! im in love with the way you write - dark and twisty but oh so lovely. i love how you put so many intertextual allusions too - do you have any reccs (literature, poetry, song, fanfic anything really)?
This is such a compliment and also a cool assignment. Let me see. What are some things I can share…
This art ^
Cyrano de Bergerac (1990 French film). If you’ve never seen it, it’s a beautifully costumed rendition of my favorite tragedy. I’m not usually much for tragedy but this one really satisfies me. The English subtitle translation renders the poetry parts well.
“Windmills of your Mind” A song
freshly turned soil by the hydrangea bush, by s.s.
A video essay about a play through of a video game about a book about a house
“Su Prabhat”, a violin piece
With some caveats about violence and mental illness in media, I usually recommend both the Fight Club movie and book. The book especially has a kind of disjointed but evocative prose I think really holds up to analysis.
If you’ve never read it before, I also recommend “Small Gods” by Terry Pratchett. Wonderful mix of comedy and philosophy. Influenced me a lot, in kind of the opposite way that Voltaire’s “Candide” influenced me a lot
Also “The Goblin Emperor” (abused & exiled prince learning how to be king) and its sequels which aren’t really sequels but ARE fantasy world consulting detective genre. These are really not anything like my style, I just like them. 
I hesitate to recommend fanfic because it relies so much on prior context; and if it doesn’t, then when you get into the fandom you’ll realize belatedly that it really isn’t reflective of the source material at all. That said, here are a couple that moved me:
“Excerpts of a 123-year love letter from Gotham to London, (ongoing).” Yes, they mean the cities themselves
Total au, time period setting and even gender. Professional wrestling, lesbians, and misunderstandings.
The existential horror of being caught in a franchise where you are the antagonist (and you will do it forever). The existential horror of being in love (it will take all of you).
An AU where the doctor character who is always on the good guys side takes the other path and joins the franchise bad guys, The Decepticons. Only, in the very beginning of a revolution, all that good and bad stuff isn’t yet set in stone.
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The thing about worth turning into a vampire is that you KNOW he's gonna realize at some point that there's a whole new world of insane bdsm to try now that he literally can't die by suffocation and bodily injury, and I think unfortunately for the wellbeing of everyone around them Conrad would need very little convincing to indulge him on even the most deranged shit
#good post buddy#conrad low key REALLY excited to waterboard his husband#gonna attach his ass to an anchor and throw him in the sea (erotically)#remove some organs and [censor] [censor] [censor]#conworth#hannapocalypse
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i totally understand why ppl ship Laios and Kabru, i get the appeal, but to me that doesn't probably capture depths that their Freak Behaviors would create if combined in such a way
Kabru has just enough sense to not stick his dick in (that particular brand of) crazy, but he is still studying Laios like a bug. imagining him in situations. rotating him in the fantasy microwave. etc. he's thoroughly observed Laios in his natural habitat (dungeon), currently observing him in his unnatural habitat (civilization). he's seen Laios' family dynamics, has been sucked into his friendship circle, subtly interrogated fellow victims. there's only one thing left
he's never seen Laios Fuck
is this, perhaps, the singular aspect in life in which Laios is normal? is he his normal abrasive self or a conscience and tender lover? what does Laios think foreplay is? would he even register someone making moves on him in the first place? are dog collars involved at some point?? oh god what if the dog collars aren't even a sex thing for him--
imagine, you are an elven government spy here to seduce state secrets out of the mysterious king of the golden kingdom. months of pretending to care about his special interest are starting to pay off. after a banquet (you specifically were chosen for the job because of your immunity to poisons) he shyly invites you back to his chambers. this is it! the two of you are being shadowed, as would be expected for the king's first illicit encounter with a foreign dignitary, but you've finally done it!
Some Guy just walks in and starts taking notes while giving you the world's most intense Weezer Blue stare. you nervously, yet seductively, try to ask the king if he likes being watched or something~ ;) "haha yeah Kapru likes 'studying my habits' sometimes :)" oh god this isn't even a sex thing. with every second the Guy becomes increasingly distressed. Laios is just happy to be here
#hi you remember the fic I just wrote?#this post is the accidental sequel to the fic I just wrote#this is their future#dungeon meshi
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So like [twirls hair] what if Laios was already king when Kabru came to kill him For The Greater Good but ended up falling in love with his autistic swag
Kabru maybe being a canary adjunct, or maybe just someone on the mainland who heard the rumors of a Dungeon Master who ousted the legal governor and set up on the surface—no one has ever done that before, it can’t be good, everybody outside is terrified and nobody knows what to do—Kabru decides that he’s going to do something about it, and by something, he means murder
And then he gets there and Laios is like :) hi :) do you like my monster town? We have lots of new immigrants because there’s food here. Oh you were helping those refugees settle a dispute? oh thank GOD come help me settle more disputes. Can I just leave this all to you? Okay great remind me your name again
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FIC - Rodimus/Magnus (IDW1) - Sunk Costs (4k, rated M/adult)
Title: Sunk Costs
Fandom: Transformers (IDW)
Rating: Mature/adult
Wordcount: 4k
Relationships: Rodimus/Ultra Magnus, background Drift/Rodimus and Rodimus/Whirl
Additional Tags: asexual character, bad sex, sticky sexual interfacing, unhealthy attitudes towards sex
Summary:
“Who says that their partner must not like sex just ‘cause he couldn’t get them off, huh?” Rodimus scowled. “I mean, you wouldn’t think of Mags as having an ego problem–”
“So was he bad, then?” Drift asked. He had put the leg down and was rubbing his plating off with a microfibre towel, head bent as he worked the condensation out of his plate seams.
“I– no.” Rodimus shook his head. “He was, you know.”
On AO3.
---
I don't want to admit just how long this has been in my google docs WIP folder with like. Four hundred words to go. Ahem.
This fic is based off a short segment in @neveralarch's fic A Miracle Opened Wide, though reading that fic is in no way necessary for this one as it is standalone. (You should, though. It's really fun Jazz/Ratchet!) The section in question is the one where Jazz texts Hot Rod, if you would like to go peruse it.
(Note: that fic is generic G1, this one's IDW specifically because. You know me. I love my IDW rodimags. Roll with me here.)
Anyway, here's a fic about sunk cost fallacies and trying to be mature about the realisation you might have had a lot of very bad sex for no actually good reason.
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/54495490
Fandom: ダンジョン飯 | Dungeon Meshi | Delicious in Dungeon
Relationship: Kabru & Laios Touden
In honor of getting to the end of the manga, I have written queer-platonic yearning. I wanted to write the things that I love in shipping, but from an aromantic perspective.
Takes place in the post-canon setting, although it doesn’t have a lot to do with the particulars of the plot
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[DAZED FROM BLOOD LOSS] hey not to kill the vibe completely but i think i am in love with you
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