It feels like your heart is freezing and burning, both at once.

plainwater: essays and poetry — the anthropology of water: kinds of water, anne carson

[ID: “I feel so lonely, like childhood again.” end ID]

Darling, Dearest, Dead,

Breaking news: I’m not having it.

Love, always.

take me with you, take me with you and let me follow

love will always find you. Both threat AND promise

Oh god, how this immense love to her can be a sin?

DADA “Light My Fingers” candle by Claire Olshan

“Let everything happen to you: Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”

— Rainer Maria Rilke, Go to the Limits of Your Longing

Imagine telling a kid you're devastated, if he's a smart kiddo he would guess from your facial expression/tune of voice that you might be angry or sad, but he will never understand what devastated means until he gets really devastated that he can feel it in his heart, that's when he will try to name it and remember the closest to what he's feeling is devastation.

The different definitions and meanings in all dictionaries could never explain to someone who never experienced yearning what it means.

I would never have guessed that yearning feels this way.

You will never fully understand poetry until you experience it, to go through insurmountable love, loss, diminishing and let it all pass through you, to feel it in your bones.

Alain de Botton, Essays in Love [transcript in ALT]

Strange how we can just recreate multiple versions of ourselves, none is like the other but they are all real.

Sometimes I get amazed by the shift I notice in my feelings and myself, as if I'm living an out-body experience, looking at myself wondering if I was faking it all or was it true?

أحب العودة لأشياء أعرفها. لأني أري الأشياء كما لم أدركها بالمرة الأولي كإدراكي بأني أحبك عندما تشرح الأمور بجدية بمنتهي العذوبة. أجد صعوبة بالغة في الجلوس مع رأسي. كأنني قد أجدك هناك، لو انتظرت، انتظرت طويلًا سيفتح باب كبير وأراك.

تعلمت أنه ليس هناك أسوأ من مواجهة أشياء ساكنة/ التي لا تكتسب معني الا من خلال الدور الذي تؤديه في الحياة. وحين تنتهي تلك الحياة تتغير طبيعة تلك الأشياء وإن بقيت علي حالها تغدو موجودة وغير موجودة في أن معًا. أشباح محسوسة. الأشياء في حد ذاتها لا تعني شيئًا إلا اذا تكلمت أنت عنها. تمر أوقاتي بصعوبة بالغة. لا أستطيع أن أكمل جملة واحد�� دون أن أفقد تركيزي.

Darling, Dearest, Dead;

‪Sometimes I feel like there are too many tabs open in my brain. I just wanna finish a thought.‬

Love, always.

Darling, Dearest, Dead;

Well, I don’t feel lovable. I think I have an unlovable sort of… I have a coldness about me, I’m difficult to like.

To disintegrate, to sleep no more.

Love, always.

ig: zeihanjuan