04/09/20

I was turned down in the last stages of an amazing internship, that would have furthered my career chances immensely. I'm incredibly disappointed in myself and quite pessimistic about the future. This wasn't the only place I applied to, but I wanted the internship quite badly. Life could be worse but I'm definitely not in a good place.

10/14/15

Sometimes I dream of drowning

I hate hate hate my mood swings

And recently I hate this city. 

I have already swallowed everything of value for me up and want to move on.

Leave the city the people everything.I feel close to unraveling, what if those two people meet that know me under completly different persons? I want drugs I want someone to love me so I can own them completly.

protagonist gets up puts on her panties and goes back to sleep

so relatable. who can sleep completly in the nude?

when women say “i hate men” they mean it in the “stop hurting me and my sisters” kind of way, not the “i want to rape, murder and oppress you” way. you know, the way men hate women.

Joyce Manor | Five Beer Plan (x)

Were I not completely aware of my duty to my family and my country, I would not have come tonight. Or indeed ever again. ( Roman Holiday, 1953 )

Why don't you

Try going to sleep knowing I’m in bed with another man?

08/27/2015

So the boy came back and so far I have been good about not texting/keeping some distance. He asked me a few times if I was angry with him, because I haven't been acting like I usually do and that's fine by me. I cancelled on him yesterday because I wanted to take a bath and was too tired afterwards. I have to keep trying to not be the only person who puts so much effort in any kind of relationship. One of my coworkers is really beautiful and I spend yesterday with her and it was insane. Like there wasn't half an hour without her getting hit on. I had so much mixed feelings about that. On one hand I felt really bad for her because she was clearly uncomfortable and wanted to get away most times, but on the other hand I can't help but wonder (and be a little bit envious) how it must be like, being that pretty. But I'm also glad that while it made me doubt myself a little bit, I didn't have any bad thoughts about her. I've been trying to be less judgemal and negative about my thoughts about others and I feel like I've been doing better this year.

Lindsay Lohan | Richard Phillips | 2011

Watch on UbuWeb

💀

I think I’m falling in love and I hate it. I have commitment issues (big time hah) I don’t know why, but I’ve become such a bitter mistrusting person.

I’ve never let any guy close to me or put myself in a too vulnerable position. I’m a virgin (whatever that means to you) by choice. I’m just honestly just so disgusted after I get what I want (mostly just someone to bide time with) that I can’t do it. I recently started something with a guy because I wanted the emotional balance. Sometimes on the next morning when i remember his warm big hands I get thrills.

I can hate men so much that it scares me sometimes. I don’t trust them. I’d rather be the person who fucks them up, than be the one getting fucked. Sometimes I’m so vicious and when other people (that I care about) notice I get a thrill of knowing they saw an uncontrolled version of me. I hear some of them talk and just want to let go.

08/17/2015

Sometimes I want to tear my body apart. My body image has suffered greatly since I started this new chic diet called being poor :)) and lack of workouts. I just want my body to rot. I have to get back where I was before. It doesn't help that I'm surrounded by so many beautiful people. I feel like shit. I wanted to work more but it has been slow going and I hate it. I fucking need that money.

🚫

I have the feeling that I have to put my life on hold, because I don't have any money. This is so weird for me. My family doesn't have a lot of money but I have been working since I've been 14, so I almost always had some amount of money. But now.

08/13/2015

Today was better. I have an awesome coworker who cheered me up a bit (and three coffees - I usually drink like one every two weeks).

¤ Cleaned the whole flat ¤ Prepared for customer meeting tomorrow ¤ Exfoliated ¤ Did a hydrating mask ¤ Skyped a friend

I’m still super anxious about money and my field of study. I put myself in a bad place financially and I’m too scared to ask my parents as they already sacrifice so much for me. I’m constantly changing my opinion. I need to focus more on me and my future outlook.

I didn’t pass an exam and now I have to retake, which I didn’t have to do until now so I don’t know how that will go.