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death0has0nothing0to0steal-blog · 5 years

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Silence.

They say heartbreaks are silent. That you can’t hear your heart exploding into fragmented pieces. That you can’t hear your soul ripping into itself. That you can’t hear your mind locking all those thoughts and memories away.

He thought she was a dream when she approached him during a celebration in the streets of Velaris. Her hair was half-up and half-down, with wisps of fine, golden hair framing her lovely face.

“Azriel.”

It took him a moment to realize she was really there, and really talking to him. She had always called him Az in private, but things had changed. The war against Hybern was over. Injuries of all kinds had healed, and everyone was happy. Except him, he supposed. He still had battle scars. And the ever-festering wound that was his heart.

“Morrigan.” He replied with an even tone, showing no emotion.

She blinked, looking crestfallen. Under normal circumstances, he would have done anything to make her happy. But he had sensed there was something wrong the moment he had seen the pity in his High Lady’s eyes.

“I need to tell you something.” False hope hit him in the gut, but it left him just as quickly. What were the chances that she loved him the same way he loved her? She knew how he felt, and had toyed with his emotions too many times to count, most recently with Helion. He had heard them, and she had known, and it was too easy to remember the guilt on her face when she saw him the next morning.

He nodded. They were in the Rainbow, watching Rhys, Feyre, Cassian, and Nesta enjoying themselves in the open market. They were mingling with other citizens, and gulping down champagne and finger food. He turned from the happy scene and stepped into a cobbled alleyway, climbing up some stone steps leading to a private terrace overlooking the festivities. She followed, keeping her distance. His shadows tightened around him as he noted the downturned curve of her mouth and her flickering, hooded eyes.

Leaning over the railing and staring down at the city, she started.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” A long pause.

“I know how much you love me, Azriel. And I love you too.”

His ever-present shadows lightened, weaving around him. He turned to stare at her, astonishment in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but she continued without meeting his gaze.

“But not in the way you want. You’re my family, Az,” she said, voice breaking. “And I have led you on and on and on because I didn’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t be with you like that.”

And she explained to him why exactly that was the case. How she preferred females, how Helion and others were to keep anyone from looking too closely and to keep him from wondering why she wouldn’t notice him. How she hadn’t been with Cassian because he was unsuitable, but because it would mean little to him and buy her a shot at freedom. How she had taken a lover, a human queen, Andromache, and fallen in love with her. Tears were streaming down her face as she spoke, staring out into the distance. She turned towards him, finally, and dealt her last blow.

“I love you enough to want you to find someone who can truly love you as you deserve. And I love myself enough not to want to settle until I find that person, too. I’m sorry for leading you on. And I couldn’t tell you because I was terrified of facing you and ruining things between us. But I am the Morrigan, and my gift is the truth, so I couldn’t ruin your life by letting you live without knowing my secret and still holding on to that hope.”

He was so cloaked in his darkness that she could barely see him. His eyes were open, however, still staring at her. And that’s when he knew they were right about the silence. He felt his heart breaking, receding inside of himself and locking away all his feelings. But he understood. The things she had gone through, the sacrifices she had made, he would endure his broken heart to help heal hers.

“I think I knew. Or at least suspected.” He spoke softly, as if he was afraid that she might shatter too. “But I want you to know that those 500 years, and the pain I’m feeling right now, are nothing compared to what you’ve gone through. If I am your family, then you are mine too.”

And with that, his shadows evaporated, and he wrapped his arms around Mor as the tears started to fall again. He was broken, but for her, he would heal. Because after all, he loved her, and he always would. She was his entire universe, and a piece of his heart would forever be hers. Now he knew that even though his broken heart was silent, his love would never be.

[revised version]

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death0has0nothing0to0steal-blog · 5 years

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