deardiaryineedatherapist
Dear diary, I need a therapist
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it felt like strawberries
warm, bursting under my
toes in the garden
and the wind
shaking the tops of
trees, green in summer storms
shifting with the words
pooling in my ears, tickling
hairs at the nape of my neck.
I roll my shoulders -
throw back my head,
pulling my chest open to the sky.
I couldn't tell if my heart,
was swelling or sinking,
if this was joy or sorrow
only that I was suddenly
unable to control my breath
and i wept
until the feeling got
tired and
went away
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"go start to the car, the keys should be in it"
i turn, pour my coffee, take deep breaths as you
head out the door
on the ride you are anxious
worried we'll miss your flight,
the boarding call, or hug too long at drop off
i swallow all urge to ramble in the car
you are a stone anyway
focused mightily as if concentrating will speed us along point A to B
i let you be ...
resolved to the truth that i wont feel your softness again until you are where your agenda says
rigidity replaces everything and you stiffen under stress
call it apathy, listen to an audio book on the road on how to react even less
but whats real is i needed you to hug me harder
longer
like you knew you wouldnt see me for months
like the words we didnt speak of missing each other before getting into the car could be transferred now at the last minute
you say your love language is physical touch but you didnt pull me into your arms to make up for how your words would not be enough
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“you burrowed into my skin - itching, keeping me awake and restless through the night
How many times do I have to wash these goddamn sheets
it takes three days for all the mites to die off your clothing just
wash in scalding hot water, vacuum seal, seek professional help, burn photos that still make you itch, it can be helpful to block them on social media.
They make prescriptions for that sort of thing, you know? Honey if you’re having trouble, why don’t you just go to the doctor? It can be hard to get rid of them alone - you know how these things seem to linger.”
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“you set me on fire
every night around the same time you come
into my bedroom
slide across the threshold
along the baseboard
slip into my bed and flick the sheets into flames
you consume me
every night when the night goes still
you have trained me
to think of you
and grow thirsty in this heat”
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“We are always heading in opposite directions
I would love to be in your passenger seat or for you to be in mine instead of the pile of clothes I took off last night as soon as my feet hit your bedroom floor. It’s early and I have the taste of your coffee in my mouth. You drink it without sugar but you add milk to cool it down so you can drink it faster. That’s how you take it. And I was never too fond of coffee until you shared yours with me and I think that maybe that’s how I take mine too. And I’m thinking about your taste in my mouth and your smell on my skin because I’m wrapped in your clothes or maybe it’s because we laid beside each other all night and there’s a possibility that you smell like me and you’re driving in your car this morning filling the cab with my smell thinking the same thoughts.”
- ( I haven’t told you that I love you yet but you said it that time you were drunk before you hung up the phone and when we were in my car crossing that bridge looking at the sunset over the water and I pretended I didn’t hear you because how could that possibly be what you said? )
#four years ago#he made me coffee that way not long ago#he thinks i still drink it that way but i dont
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