I'm at a point where I've decided to stop talking about my mother with friends and anyone (so lonely and about to burst) because after years of conversations (for some).

Recently I'm so frustrated with a friend I knew more than half my life. She accused me of not wanting to move on but I contacted her to talk about solutions not whys and all she talked about were the whys and how she has told me to move out all the years and oh I'm finally tired of living life under control of my mother, and simply giving a half asked solution like simply declare my motives to the mum and be "nonchalant" about it (which was never a choice because she is the type that I can gray rock and still she comes up to me and stirs the shit out of me). It is absolutely fine for her to say no, I'm busy with child rearing or I'm totally sick of your nonsense instead of oh what do you need I'm here despite my busy schedule vibe. It's like when I tried to commit suicide by hanging which ended up me still alive, but you told me to look at the rope and face the devil anyway.

And then another guy who was patient to listen to my problems. Except he can't read the atmosphere. For example, if today I told you my mum is dead, I believed that you won't make a joke about the situation dealing with death and funeral. So it's really unkind to blame it on the lack of tone in messages or say its a INTJ personality issue which isn't, it's really just how much you care about me as a person. It's also very convenient to say that "I hope you know I didn't mean anything bad" but not everything can be made a joke because you feel like the mood. I feel like my wound is opened and not only did you put salt on it but also rub it intensely.

Thank you all for your accompany all these years. But I don't trust anyone to just listen anymore. I have live my life for more than 3 decades and people think I can change with a snap of finger? Maybe it was just a surface talking all the while. It doesn't make sense to ask for solace from people who's never been there. Or tell people of any next plans. All we want is to feel good. Let's just keep up with the facades.

I was called out by the mother once again for my seemingly bad attitude.

Because I acted like a room renter, I don't talk to her, gave her half asked answers and put my sadness on my face like someone has died. Apparently I should have act like I'm the most optimistic and happy person in the world because that's what it meant to be an adult and adults don't bother other adults with their emotions. Ah so then it became a lash out, whether my depression was due to my grievances at my last job (I was laid off in a ugly manner), her disapproval of dating a Japanese foreigner or moving to Sweden for a seemingly worthless masters. She asked me if I thought she control too much at 33? She thought family meant to discuss things, if so why is she intimidating me that I lost my freedom of speech. She asks for the truth and denys them anyway! Enforcement is not discussion. One sided view (your view) is not discussion. Bringing an ally your son into the mix is especially unkind, you mf. You ate my voice so now you can scream at me and be righteous about it.

I don't know what I did wrong, she said a family is to listen and discuss things not like me hiding in my room I don't know what is respect too, when she thought I was 17 too young to enter the divorce hearing but her 19 yo son was okay? Or her husband my father was a foreigner (and now I can't find a foreigner to date) or the fact she had a bf that slept over on my birthday? (Like some notification pls?). Please don't tell me what is respect is. Or tell me to say this, my kindness has been trampled.

Tell me what I did wrong. Oh yes mum, thanks for accusing me of throwing out stuff, WHICH we of course found it 10 minutes later. I guess throwing out stuff is better than hoarding a batch of nonsense you don't know what you have or when they expire first. And it was very convenient of you to "forget" what I told you. Gaslighting!

I’m so overwhelmed right now. And in the phase of processing my thoughts by blogging with all those shadow work. I wanted to grief the death of a parent even while she is alive. I kept bouncing between should and should not, filling up any space in my mind with info, talking to free therapy sessions which just confirmed the helicopter, gaslighting and emotional blackmailing and obviously did not make the process smoother. It’s taking a lot of energy and it hurts my head a lot - I’ve never known any better to walk away. I don’t think anyone understands why moving out is not a choice for me in this small country; I’ll rather move far away.

All I know is I don’t want to be told what to do, how to feel and who exactly to love. I don’t steal, I don’t murder, I give money to my family. She loves me conditionally and only when I “behave”. I think I was searching for a way to minimise the impact, but if I can’t have a honest 1 to 1 without shouting and blackmailing nothing will work. I was thinking a note you know, like a short suicide note. Or a few lines sms text like this: “Hi Mum, I love you but I gotta go. I know you will be fine but I’m not. I head hurts so much, so I have to go to a monastery to fix my mind. Bye.” I don’t want to be influenced to do otherwise. I'm so scared and fearful I can't even run and easy to intimidate me.

Planning estrangement.

I’m in immense pain, my mother continues to control my life. Everyone mostly lives with family in this society until marriage and it is so hard. I was the same as when I was 26, nothing has changed 7 years later. Meanwhile I worked on my shadows, and I took back the duffel I was planning to leave at midnight that 26. I envisioned myself overseas living the best version of myself, she wants to keep me here in the motherland, a local man to marry at best, slogged forever and just die. She don’t want me back if I leave for overseas or moved out. I don’t want anyone to dictate who I love beyond nationality, colour, race and what’s nots. I don’t want to be told what to do and how to feel - my feelings are valid. It was 4 and more people counting now who mentioned narcissistic and toxic. When I was young, I always thought she would commit suicide when I left and now maybe I’ll die instead. Desperate enough to spend some expensive dollars for psychotherapist before, I was told I had subjugation schema.

In one of the video clips I kept in my phone, the story was like this. There was a mother who was 90 years old and daughter 70 years old. Daughter was never married, have children or her own life. And there she was in a emotional classes teaching to get away from the mother, and it didn’t happen. She told the counselor of sort that she rather the mother die. And then she died anyway, but there was no relief because what does she has left? This is me.

I’m preparing for monastery 3 month, 6 months or more, I’m not sure when I’ll back. I don’t want a confrontation, it is futile. I don’t know if a letter necessary because neither I have no excuses nor it is received anyway. Planning….. to blindside because I don’t have a choice. HELP. No guilt trips, violence, shoutings, influence or understanding. My voice is missing and I don’t have confidence for anything so it is easy to intimidate me. HELP. No amount of research makes the pain lesser. Someone said it best, stay for more abuse or leave and be followed by guilt.

[a past blog post](https://dearcosmosis.tumblr.com/tagged/subjugation)

I went cold NC bc if I explained what I was doing it would turn into one of the typical cycles. For my family dynamic it did not make sense to explain myself since it would just cause more distress. It’s ok to just stop contact as long as you hav things in place to support yourself

Do what you have to to get out. You deserve to live your life!

Hugs!! You are powerful and strong. You are amazing and deserve all the joy on earth. Fight for yourself and your future. You got this 💪🏽💪🏽 use your fear/ anger to fuel you forward.

Go. Your fear, guilt and resistance will only strengthen with time. I wanted to go NC 25 years ago but stayed because of guilt and manipulation. Then learned last month my parents lied about my biological father for 50+ years, meaning my instincts that they are toxic/deceptive were accurate. Trust yourself and your instincts.

Departing words to who it may concern,

You're right

Mental health

Crazy

Bye

Thank you

Monastery

Be well

I'm full of anguish, disappointment and heartache that I do not have the energy to move on in life, neither in vitality nor in zest.

I will surrender my heart to anyone who believe in me, that is despite of.

Today in the face of a silly overseas masters, I confirmed my mother's lack of empathy and reaffirmed her selfishness to want her children beside her for her convenience. No, I don't need anyone's blessing to go on this trip, and you are a bully. I am aware that my voice has been stuffed out and my confidence as a person has been eaten away so much that I cannot function as a human, neither can I believe in the goodness nor the good luck to come my way. This is what i was groomed to set up in life? I think my soul is worth anything under the stars.

I refused to take in you calling me selfish and didn't put family affairs into the picture, when you didn't put my happiness and well being in the first priority ever, you never thought I could make it in anything. First I was abandoned by my father, next another time for Japan and now for Sweden. You know in a drastic case, in your passing the outcome is going to be the same. And perhaps you take pride in the glory of my years being gone. You are just comfortable in your little bubble. But that is not me, that is you; and we are not one. If my parents threatened me that often, I shouldn't have so much endearment left me. Oh money. What about peace and those stupid respect? What is excruciating to me is your desire to hurt in your seemingly world of righteous view, even in the face of your children. Then you’re just holding on to your parents to feel good. You continue to clip my wings and push me down endless cliffs.

We never have proper conversations, you like mechanisms by means of extremities and I’m a trained coward. You might want to listen to my response but midway of my sentences you declare them lies and excuses. You stuff words into my mouth and dictate what I should do. When you accused other parents of attempting to control their children, maybe you need to learn to loosen your grip and deal with your own empty nest syndrome. I can very well name my own emotions and don't teach me to get by with MY life. All you told me was don't go to your funeral when you're dead if I exited from the house door, whether to overseas or moved out. I'm not you, your parents or your husband. Using past sacrifices and feelings to gaslight me is not fair. No one has put a gun to your head.

Children? I'm so afraid that they will have a bit of you because the subconscious always knows, which is unbound and free, despite my careful nurturing and empathy. My mother, I am broken to know that my prescene was not enough for you to grow.

Dear myself, I want to slap you so hard but I hope someone will still love you the way you are anyway. Unfortunately no one will save you from anything…no mama there must be someone who will not hurt me and love me for who I am.

I have never tried to be someone else other than being me. But who am I now? Set my soul on fire. I need to find my voice back.

I also realized that I was afraid I was not lovable for this lack of action.

Dear Father

* This is a letter to my father to express my hurt. *

---

Dear father, how are you? I think about you sometimes. I cried for you nights before. But I never seemed to feel a lot of emotions these years. I think I have gone through the motion of your loss but would still want to mourn for what could have been, maybe. I want to be vulnerable so that I can feel the aliveness in this lifetime and be tender as a flower.

When you left in front of me, I saw dejection and loss of hope. I mourned for the loss of your presence for three years then, every night in my sleep. The adult world is an ugly and crazy place, how come all anyone cared about themselves? You made me feel unloved and small. In the meantime, I lost confidence to do anything and could not pick myself up thereafter or smile at all. You wanted to be free of burdens, I wanted a huge big shoulder for support, and be told that it is okay to lose control. I never love anyone again. I spend so much time working that I became hard.

I realised that I didn’t want to be happy, that everyday is a troubling day and everyone wanted a piece of me, when am I me? If you were here, would you stand up for me for Japan? Sometimes I feel like I am a substitute as you for mom and I don’t want to be.

Sometimes I feel like running can be a solution too, like you. Because that is in our family paradigm. But I don’t want to make excuses for you as a father, I did nothing to deserve this. How did anyone have the courage to be responsible for someone’s life, whether in good or bad? If you are healthy, I know you will hold my hand and give me permission that it is actually okay to lose control.

I forgive you still. I have grown up and can overcome this. I will remember you as a sailor who will never return home, lost at sea. Perhaps the day when I have a family of my own, all forms of hurt will dissolve, and my heart will open once again. If tomorrow I pass away, I know today I am alive and understand cherish. When I look into the mirror, I still see you inside of me.

I've got you.

I'm sorry for pulling away.

Please teach me how to receive and feel peaceful in my body.

I'll hold you.

I'm sorry for how distant I've been, for how difficult I've been, judgmental which prevented me from being close to you and expecting love should be in a certain way.

Please tell me how to trust and let love in.

Hi Lovely Child

* This is a letter from my imaginary mother to myself. *

---

Hi my lovely child, how are you? By now, you are already in your favourite country, living a lifestyle you have imagined. I am really happy for you, you totally deserve this, your falu house of dreams. It was your hard work and persistent that brought you there.

You wear your heart on your sleeves and I admired you for it. It is not easy to put your heart there for the sun and rain to shower on them, without knowing you'll be reciprocated. I feel like I see the real you, and I appreciate you for letting me into your authentic self. I'm over here, you're over there.

When your father left us, I went down a abyss of black hole. I turned into an angry person that refused to be consoled. I am sorry that I had to run away from home to roam the streets so that you do not have to see my tears. It was all that I was capable of, outside a lifeless mundane routine of slogging my soul for money. I was lost and had to turn to a bf to have money to bring food to the table. It must be awful to see me and him together in our house. It was not his house and I did not ask your permission too. In my bitterness and absence compelled you to grow up faster than you needed to. I am beyond words to know that you wanted to kill yourself and am ashamed that you never found it in yourself to tell me that - it seemed like you were too overwhelmed by my depression to smile again. But know this, my glass must be full before I can take care of other glasses. Beneath all these I love you for your bravery to mother yourself - I never have to worry about anything so that I can be me. You've been taking care of me and I've allowed it - but no more. I love you for who you are, you don't need to do anything to earn my love. You are not empty beautiful lady, because it is always in you. 

One thing I am truly apologetic is that I never had the strength to learn controlling my emotions, and using you and your brother as pawns to feud with your father. You know, you are my youngest child, my lucky star, I never found it in me to bring you to my divorce hearing, because I saw the torn family photo and thought this will break you apart. But as if anything, all emotions must be processed and taking that away from you was my mistake. My unresolved anger had the best of me, that it blinded me beyond knowing your genuine self. I had not able to face my own pains until now. What's mine has been with you. Its time for them to return to me, where it nelongs. You are free to be yourself, to feel, to do your heart's desires, to love - the world is your oyster. I promised to influence but not coerce your choices. Take a step back now until you can feel your own life flowing back into you.

When you wanted to go independent in Japan, I was immature and insecure, suffering from a serious bout of separation anxiety. I was lonely, had no money and no confident of dealing with all these along my financial stresses. It clouded me beyond believing in your potential, even though you really did not need my permission to do so. You were such a sweetheart to think so, thank you for staying by my side even though all we did is to spear and fight. I know you will heal and fly far. You are worthy and capable. I am with you and I approve of you. You are you, and I am I; you are your own person. You're my child, and you're separate from me. My feelings do not have to be your feelings. I've been too close to you, and I see the toll it has taken on you. It must have been overwhelming with all my needs and emotions, which had made it difficult for you to have space for yourself. I will step back now so that my love doesn't overpower you. I'm staying over here to take joy in watching you live your life.

My coerced intentions and purchases were me trying to compensate you for my blunders. I am small and weak. If you want to fly far and away from me, you can and will. From now on, I will try to listen, to impact and not influence; to support not bridge distance. I will be my own hero, and I choose to support you on your journey in life. I needed you to be happy for me to be happy. This is my choice of life. I am working on limiting my helplessness and my coercive power to uplift me to be a better person. I let myself live for you to live. That is my true north. We are standing in the way of light.

Getting over control of others

I try hard to be free spirited, laidback, interesting and fearless. The main reason people like me is because I am truthful and can get things to work. Other people don’t appreciate how much I give them in an attempt of an unrestricted camaraderie without expecting anything back. I always have to be the one who reach out a hand, to make a compromise I don't want to. I’ve tried to be the kind of person who can be mostly optimistic, but I never was the way I was when I was 10.

I wasted so much time worrying about things that can go wrong. But what eventually went wrong were not things I worried about.

I wish other people were more calm and secure in themselves. Why is it so hard for people to work on their emotions and not force people against their will? For a change, I would love someone to treat me like I'm fragile, and hold me tight till I suffocate of love. Maybe one of these days I’ll find someone who will treat me like I'm their world yet still be secured as their own person. In an ideal world with good people, other people would fill like they want to be part of that community.

Nurturing

Ways my parents met their own needs

- My father left the house without any care

- My mother left the house often to roam the streets to "take care of her emotions"

- My mother prioritized her fear to be alone and imposed her intent over my need to go independent as an adult, saying going overseas is wrong.

- My mother cannot control her emotions and often lashed out on me.

- My mother controls everything about me without respecting me as a person

Ways my parents take care of my needs

- My mother cooked, fed me and nursed me to health.

- When I was young, we were often together.

Ways my parents failed me

- I was not treated as if my needs mattered or have a right.

- I was told my feelings do not matter, that I should not cry or be upset and angry.

- I was controlled and threatened into submission (to move out, to jump down, to throw things).

- I don't really remember any ways they taught me to take care or comfort myself, validate my feelings.

Ways I take care of my needs as an adult

- Candles and aromatherapy

- Journalling

- Meditation

- Decluttering

- Guided songs to cry

- Eat

- I know how I feel and can put an emotion on it

Dear Mother

* This is a letter to my mother to express my hurt. *

---

Dear mother, how are you? We lived together even till now, I don’t think we have ever been that much apart. You think close proximity equals to tighter knitted hearts. It’s such a pity even if we hang ourselves out in the air, our hearts will not get an inch closer.

When my father left us and refused providing living expenses, causing you to work ceaselessly, it led me to believe that I am insignificant and unlovable, because you were never there for me for anything. I thought money was everything, but it is painful to access it. In the meantime, I acquire the habit of eating to fill my emptiness. I also cried every night for three years and tried to kill myself but I never let you know, because you were already ghost. You wanted me to grow up myself, be good and less fussy and left me to fend for myself. I wanted praise, to be told it'll be alright and to be guided even a little but you are too busy being a ghost. I was the adult then and now. Now I could not delay gratification, I need love now and I want it now, I cannot eat properly.

Then you finally divorced him, and brought my brother to the hearing. You said I was to young to be there, causing me to feel rejected. I believed that I am abandoned and undeserving of being part of a major family event. You wanted me to be protected from the harm you thought I could not handle, but I wanted to be there to process the hurt both of you impacted on me since the shouting days. It is unfair to be excluded and be expected to share my deepest thoughts. You don't choose to do everything you want and be given, that is dictatorship. I don't think I can trust or love, like the vulnerable and majestic love we will give anything for. The world is really just too noisy even now. You tried to protect me but I cut and find ways to destroy myself.

I was heartbroken when you read and denied my letter I placed in a hongbao, because I attempted to convince you that I wanted to study in Japan. It seemed to me that was without much thoughts. I think it was about this time when I no longer love red, a colour I vividly remembered to favour around 10. The disapproval led me to believe that my needs are not important, and my eventual to my low confidence. You wanted financial stability because you don't have much, you didn't believe I could make it then and will incur you money to compensate. I wanted you to believe in my potential, a chance to heal my suffering so far and to increase my confidence in language and get a foreign education, as well as to solidify independency. I tell myself I cannot make it, I am not capable like the way you implied. I felt my wings are clipped and heavy. As if every child, I wanted her approval and blessing. But I felt like a teenager, that I needed permission. But I am now an adult, as I was then too. I am able to make my own decisions and be responsible for it and I am ok now without her approval. I am not an extension of her and I am filial whatever she can claim.

Across the years, you bought me things that I did not want and explicitly mentioned;  at times you imposed your intentions and thoughts on me, without giving me a chance to express, shouting at me and demanding me not to cry because you are not yet "dead". I do not need to be judged for a foreign bf that I had, to apologized for that. When my mother expected me to stay in SG near her, it led me to my life is her property and it made me horrified. I was powerless and again my needs are not important. You wanted me to fit into your jigsaw or right what you could not for your own life, but I wanted to be me regardless of anyone even you. You placed your love to me on conditions. I told you, people are driven foremost by their own needs even parents. You agreed. I am not a teenager, I deserved to be happy, even when my choices do not align with you. You may do motherly things, but I do not believe in sacrifice. My thoughts are sacred and no one gets to tell me how to feel or think. You did not how to love, but that's is your topic to deal with. As I told you, no one can save oneself. I believed that my needs are not important, and I do not have the strength to overcome that. You are you, and I am I. You can make you own choice to not to approve me, even if there are so many ways of living in this vast life.

Despite all I was an adult, why did I let myself coerced into this mess? No, you had your say, this is my letter. It seems like a midlife crisis that never seem to end. You were a young little girl in a household where boys are treasured, forced to grow up fast and devoid of your education, emotional and soul. You passed your helplessness, loss of speech and freedom to me. I wake up so every often imaging myself on my deathbed, wishing I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not what others expected of me.

I forgive me, because tomorrow I might not wake up. You are forgiven. I am love. I am abundance. I am alive. We are all going to be okay, and in the light. We are light and free. When I look into the mirror I still see part of the goodness in you.

List of things that irritate, annoy and bother me

Most

- Not leaving motherland

- Not in a romance

- Not being brave and going forward with my values and decisions

- My mother imposing her intentions and thoughts on me, without giving me a chance to express

- My mother shouting at me

- My mother demanding me not to cry because she is not "dead" yet

- Not quitting my job

- Not working for myself

- Not being disciplined for drawing, languages

- Being indecisive, swaying between my guts and reality

- Being treated unfairly at work

- Being let go at work

Least

Ways I criticize myself

I'm looking at a mirror as I do this exercise, so that the pain body intensifies and the image is real. I feel unenergetic and loss of lustre. I am not happy with my face. I especially dislike the nose with its many pitted scars, which are remnants of my youth that continue to haunt me. They make me feel insecure, that I am not beautiful. The darkness underneath my eyes makes me look tired. I don't smile pretty as well, coupled with my RBF. It reminds me very often of my mother, she was always so depressive and angry, she wasn't happy that much in our younger years.

I think I have an okay eye and brow set. I like to think they can speak and is genuine. Probably the eyebags sometimes make me younger. I used to not like my 5'4 frame, because it does not make me charismatic. I am over it. I don't think I ever need to use that height anyway. My hip is doable, it makes me look good. Someone once said I am hairy too, and I shaved ever since. But I don't think I was scarred by him, I just hastened the process and that did make me feel beautiful. My mother told me that I have thick thighs when I was 7ish. I am not sure if I took that seriously but I do mostly feel fat and honestly I can do better. I am most insecure about my bust. It made me feel unattractive and not feminine curvy. I may need to also find a way to deal with my unkempt and dry hair, they don't make me feel good at all to wear them. My body acne is unlovable. Thankfully I don't look like either parent, which make things really more easier. Maybe I can be my own person.

I originally exercise to feel energetic so that I can do my hobbies, but I don't feel it through the years despite my determination everyday. I thought maybe it is majority my lack of drive in life. That is something else.

Manifesting

Manifestation is making me dream.

The scene opens with a stranger who holds my hands as he looks at me endearingly as he whispered "Hi, my love". I feel feverish as I drown into his deep bluish eyes, my own welling up as I sign a relief, exclaiming "I don't know you but I missed you".

The next few days we saunter alongside the trees, busk under the sun and learn about each other under the starlit sky, falling into deep slumbers with his warmth within my reach...

As days pass, I see his niece, his sister, his parents and his friends; we grow our own vegetables; we make our own woody furniture; he holds my hands when we are in deep conversations as frequent as he looks into my eyes...

In a falu red self-built house, a toddler runs to me whispering "Daddy asked me to give you this rose because you're his forever love". The lump that arises up my throat confirmed that I have never been so much in love with life itself! That scene where I clutch the toddler's hands, his father holding his sister in the arms as I lean my head onto the broad shoulder is ever so comforting.

Dream a little dream tonight. Dear stranger, being us is the best thing I’ll ever be. I love me when I'm with you but I love you more because it is you.

27

It’s 5:30 am. I’ll stretch right after waking up from the arms of my handsome lover, stirring up my sense to a session of meditation. I pray for a day of fulfilling my three priorities of the day and that I’ll meet gentle people. Then I’ll drink a glass of water before proceeding to read for thirty minutes. I think of myself living a farmer lifestyle - Sleep and rise early; it’s a wonderful day! I’m so glad to be alive!

I’ll write stupid poems and whatsoever without jumping up, no longer the yelling across the rooms or creativity shocked into convulsions. Everyday I will do plenty of strolling at my own pace. 1, 2 and 3, breathe. Let’s do it again at the count of 1, 2 and 3. Perhaps I’ll see a grandmother on the way and decide to talk to her. Poor granny she lives alone with her cat and is always in smiles. With her, I won’t have to hide, we interact genuinely and laugh heartily. I visit her at her home when I do it’s because I want to.

I won’t have to eat when I don’t have to. Perhaps a little hunger is best to make us yearn for something more, to work a little harder than yesterday. Probably I’ll wake up at 3 am to watch movies gorging on ice cream. Then I’ll sleep in my undergarments waking to dawns welcomed by the wet smooches of my lovable dogs. At times my lover and I will take road trips, climbing the mountains, basking in the solace of ferns and woods and your embraces. What’s more amazing than living in a house of my own and being passionately loved? Life is simple like this, it’s all I ever wanted - I’ve never tried to be anything other than me. Any thing else fades as anxiously as it appears, only to leave behind nothing resembling a sweet orange scent.

I’ll light a candle in a jar, pretending it’s romantic. Writing an reflecting of the day, I’ll appreciate the passing of each day and hope for the awakening of tomorrow’s dawn. This reverie is ending.

I saw her standing there.

We all spend time fantasizing about the great life and my time has come. When I was young, I dreamt of being an innovative scientist, an established writer and being the wind that chase after wholly exotic countries. Well, a little fantasizing can’t hurt. If it can sugar-coat the goals and make it feel a tad bit better.

Before my long stretch of fantasy can unfold, I need a place to dream. Of the white clouds, the vast blue sky and the green lush meadow. Near where I stand, my two stories house shone in the face of the sea, maintaining its cheerful deposition. I want to live near the sea because I love the smell of salt, and constantly feel the abundance of unknown it can bring. I like it being always forward moving, no matter the circumstances. This is sometimes like life; we may not know what the future has in hand for us, but still if we move ahead riding on the tides the sea brings, it will surely bring us to a meaningful path of light.

At this point, I lived by a new legal name, because I felt that if I could make myself happy at the superficial level, eventually I could pacify the creases underneath it. In my house, I lived alone, but I am never lonely. I lied between pieces of my favorite vintage and natural furniture, which I sometimes felt as if I am living in the forest. Getting in touch with the nature was an important habit to culture, because I hoped that by doing that, eventually I could find back the gentleness that I used to possess, and this was so important to me; it brought peace to me, it sustained me. Besides having a job and be in a winery business I had so much passion for, at other times I could study my favorite languages, learned and took photos, as well as to indulge in travelling and cultures. All alone. I really love doing things alone as I enjoy utmost privacy and freedom; I’m like a wild spirit that cannot be restrained. Then sometimes I could visit my friends who were always happy to have me around, loved me for who I am and genuinely enjoyed my companionship. When I want to be alone, I go to my swiss cottage for a clear headed moment. When I feel like it, I study where I like in the world to pick up a skill or two.

This is the free-spirited mind; this is the way to be actually living. And I’m never returning back to the place that rains so much it is unbearable.

It’s 5:30 am. I’ll stretch right after waking up from the arms of my handsome lover, stirring up my sense to a session of meditation. I pray for a day of fulfilling my three priorities of the day and that I’ll meet gentle people. Then I’ll drink a glass of water before proceeding to read for thirty minutes. I think of myself living a farmer lifestyle - Sleep and rise early; it’s a wonderful day! I’m so glad to be alive!

I’ll write stupid poems and whatsoever without jumping up, no longer the yelling across the rooms or creativity shocked into convulsions. Everyday I will do plenty of strolling at my own pace. 1, 2 and 3, breathe. Let’s do it again at the count of 1, 2 and 3. Perhaps I’ll see a grandmother on the way and decide to talk to her. Poor granny she lives alone with her cat and is always in smiles. With her, I won’t have to hide, we interact genuinely and laugh heartily. I visit her at her home when I do it’s because I want to.

I won’t have to eat when I don’t have to. Perhaps a little hunger is best to make us yearn for something more, to work a little harder than yesterday. Probably I’ll wake up at 3 am to watch movies gorging on ice cream. Then I’ll sleep in my undergarments waking to dawns welcomed by the wet smooches of my lovable dogs. At times my lover and I will take road trips, climbing the mountains, basking in the solace of ferns and woods and your embraces. What’s more amazing than living in a house of my own and being passionately loved? Life is simple like this, it’s all I ever wanted - I’ve never tried to be anything other than me. Any thing else fades as anxiously as it appears, only to leave behind nothing resembling a sweet orange scent.

I’ll light a candle in a jar, pretending it’s romantic. Writing an reflecting of the day, I’ll appreciate the passing of each day and hope for the awakening of tomorrow’s dawn. This reverie must end.