May 2, 2020

Dear Diego,

I’ve been so anxious the past couple days, first, because we didn’t talk at all yesterday, and second, because I’ve been waiting to see you since Monday and we had plans for tonight. I thought maybe if I was on my best behavior and did everything right, that somehow you would want to be with me again. I’m beginning to realize how wrong that is. I’ve tried so hard to be what you want me to be, to twist and tangle myself in various shapes that you’ll like and approve of, but nothing I do is ever good enough and being stuck in uncomfortable positions just hurts after a while and when I unentangle myself, I’m left in tears and I know that crying is always the wrong answer when it’s around you.

I just want to meet up tonight and tell you that I don’t think I can do this anymore. We don’t even have to meet up. But I don’t know if you’ll talk with me. It’s been over a week since we’ve had a conversation that went further than small talk. I’m having trouble putting all this behind me. I just want to start fresh. Erase you. Forget you ever came into my life. I can’t, but I want to try, anyway. I’ve started talking with strangers on the internet. Not about relationships or anything of the sort, just college in general. It’s nice to have people to talk with. Guys you wouldn’t approve of me talking to have been texting me much more frequently than you. I’m not trying to say this to make you jealous, I just think you should know that I need a lot. A lot more than one person can give. And you don’t even seem to want to give anything. I’m really bending over backwards trying not to say anything, waiting for you to always say something first, trying not to send two texts in a row. I can’t put up with all your tests anymore. This isn’t some game to me. This is my life. And it was stressful enough before we started dating.

I was just so in love with the idea of being in love, I just wanted to commit to someone and vice versa, that I forgot that maybe I deserve love and respect, too. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’ve given you everything I can give.

I’ve never felt so alone as I was when I was with you. Crying on the floor. You were there but you weren’t really there. You left me at the worst time. I think you tried to make up for it half a week ago, when I was crying on the phone. But I don’t think you actually want to try to make this work. I don’t think you want to give anything to this. And that’s okay. We don’t have to be something. It doesn’t seem like you want to, anyway. You are good enough and if you want this and are willing to fight for it, I’ll be there with you every step of the way. But if you want to give up and leave now, I understand that, too.

This might be “goodbye” but I will always love you. I hope that wherever you go and whatever you do, you end up happy with your choices and your life.

Love,

Iris

April 27, 2020 (night)

Dear Diego,

I was so anxious about seeing you and then hearing you say, “I already told you; I just want(ed) to be friends” broke my heart a little.

I told you I missed you and you told me, “it’s only been a few days!” You said you’re always enmeshed in relationships and you didn’t want to repeat that.

I’m sorry for stressing you out. I’m sorry for making things so bad. I wish you would just let me smother you in love like my dog does to me.

I love you and I want to support you in whatever way I can.

Love,

Iris

April 27, 2020

Dear Diego,

I’m trying, okay? I’m trying so fucking hard to not talk to you all the time, to talk with other people instead so I’m not overwhelming you, to give you space that I think you might need. But it’s hard. It’s really hard for me. I don’t even know if we’re together or not. It makes me feel like ripping all my hair out. Everything I do is to try to show you that I care and that I love you but I just don’t know if that’s enough.

I was so excited to see you yesterday and then you told me you had a midterm you wanted to study for and I decided to rearrange my schedule for seeing you in the evening and then you told me “tomorrow” and I tried to be understanding of that, too. But now I don’t know when the next time I’ll see you is and I’m freaking out that everything I’m doing is wrong and I’m trying to be there for you and I realize that you aren’t there for me and that’s okay because sometimes you need someone more than I need someone and I’ve got some friends I’ve been leaning on but I miss you so much and it’s so hard to be stuck in my apartment without any other humans and I’ve seen someone in person every day since you left, well, every day except today, and maybe that’s why I’m freaking out a little more than normal but I’m also just... I’m so exhausted. I just want things to be okay between us. I want to stop having to try to win you over and for it to be okay that I make mistakes and not have to worry about making one that will make you leave forever.

I feel like I’ve already lost you and I’m sad. I’m so sad about it but I don’t feel like I can talk with anyone about it because I don’t know what’s going on and you won’t talk with me. I miss being able to call you and see you and I miss you reaching out to me first and I miss feeling like I mattered and was someone that you wanted in your life. Now I just feel like a problem you’re trying to deal with and put away.

It’s hard because I have all these feelings and thoughts and I can’t talk with you about them but you’re really the only person I could talk to about them because you’re the only one I can sort these things out with. Don’t get me wrong, I have a handful of friends I could call and talk to on the phone, but nothing would change without direct communication with you. And you don’t seem to want that right now. Or maybe ever again. And that’s really hard for me deal with.

Anyway, this whole time I’ve been rambling and crying, I’ve got a dog by my feet and it’s nice. It’s so nice. And I can’t wait for you to meet him. And I thought you would on Saturday. And now it’s Monday and I’m still not sure I’ll see you today. So maybe I’m a little upset about that, too. I just wish I knew what was going on with you. I wish you would open up and talk with me the way that I talk with you. I know it’s hard. But I’m here for you. And I’m going to try my best to listen and be there for you.

Love,

Iris

April 26, 2020

Dear Diego,

I’m so nervous about seeing you tonight. I’m worried that I’m going to make the wrong move and that you’ll never want to talk with me again or worse, that you’ll leave me hanging forever like my ex.

I miss you a lot. I have a million things I think of throughout the day and you’re the first person I want to tell them to.

I really miss being around people but more than that, I miss being around you. I miss taking classes together and you reaching out and touching my hand or you coming to find me when I’m practicing dance in the spare bedroom. I miss sleeping next to you. I still have one of your blankets. I might pretend I don’t just so that I can hold onto something of yours. I also have a pair of your socks (an actual pair, not just one sock) that I found in my dirty laundry and I’m washing it right now.

I wish I could have seen you earlier today. I’m nervous about seeing you late at night. I think it will just make me want you more. I don’t know. I guess I’m not nervous about that but more about what if you want me to but you don’t want to be with me? That’s what I’m worried about, I guess. Giving myself to you again only for you to leave afterwards.

I’m glad you’re focusing on school, though. I know the last time we talked, you told me you were probably going to fail all your classes so knowing that you’re studying for a midterm must mean things are getting at least a little better.

I’m really excited for you to meet my dog tonight. He’s a little nervous around new people and maybe I should tell you about him before you come over but I kind of want to keep it a surprise. I think you’ll be happy that I have a dog. He’s been really great for me. He woke me up this morning (and I assume he’ll continue to do so forever) and it was so nice to wake up to something padding around by my bed and hearing a tag wailing. The only downside is that he snores way louder than you or my mom or anyone else I know. That’s okay, though. I’ll get used to him being loud at night and then I won’t even notice if we sleep together again and you start snoring.

I told one of my friends yesterday that I got a dog and he replied, “well, no one can say you’re not spontaneous.” I don’t think it was really a spontaneous decision though. Maybe a little impulsive but I’ve known I wanted a dog for years (and I’ve been trying to convince my parents but they didn’t think I’d take care of it) and then I started school here in the fall and I knew I wouldn’t have time to take care of a dog but now that everything’s online and everyone’s antisocial, it’s the perfect time. He really likes other people (as long as we’re not on a short sidewalk with them). We went on a long walk to Arch Graveyard today and he was so pooped after. I still need to get him some more toys but I think I’ll wait until tomorrow because I have two quizzes I need to study for. I guess I’ll go and do that now! I hope you’re having a good day. I think the beaches are still open and I’m going to take him next weekend. He loves the water. We could go together if you’d like. I think it would be nice for him to be around more people. But I understand if you just want space now and don’t want to have to deal with me. I love you and I’ll be here for you whenever/if ever you decide things are okay again (and even if things aren’t okay, I’ll still be here for you).

Love,

Iris

April 25, 2020

Dear Diego,

Today I got a dog. I went to the shelter and met him and he was perfect and just what I wanted. I was supposed to call half an hour before going on and when I did, I asked and they said someone was looking at him but he might still be available when I came. My heart sunk a little that he might get adopted before I could meet him (and at the time I was at Target looking at dog bowls and dog beds and dog toys and dog food...) but I figured if he really liked the other person and vice versa, then they would probably be good for each other and maybe I could return all the things I was buying at Target. (I don’t know if they still have a decent return policy or if they’ve changed to be more like Whole Foods, where they don’t do returns anymore.)

Also, this morning I woke up to a text from your roommate and it was very sweet. I forgot I had texted him last night. He said everything just the right way and I wondered if you had coached him on what to say (but I also know that he’s older/closer to my age so he might just be more experienced in talking with people than your other roommates).

My mom told me that she sent a few packages that were supposed to be delivered to you today and I said I hadn’t heard anything about that from you yet so I thought I’d text and ask you but you never replied. I don’t know. Maybe you’re taking one of your super long afternoon/evening naps. Maybe you didn’t really sleep last night. Maybe your phone died and you’ve just been too busy to charge it. Or Maybe you don’t want to talk with me. (But I really don’t want to think the last one is true so I came up with a million other reasons.)

Anyway, it’s really nice having a dog. He’s very well-behaved. He doesn’t really bark. He follows me around everywhere. I was supposed to do laundry today but I’m going to wait until tomorrow because we’re only going to go out one more time today and I don’t want to leave him alone yet. He hasn’t left my sight since I brought him home.

I wonder what you’ve been up to. I wonder if you’ve been laying in bed all day or going out or doing something with your roommates. It’s really hot out. I still wish we were going to the beach. My dog loves the water. I’ll show you some pictures if/when you decide to talk with me again. I miss you a lot. (That probably sounds stupid and I’ll probably keep saying it in every letter I write to you so I hope you’re okay with that.)

I know I’ve been talking a lot about what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been feeling. I wish I could ask you the same. But I don’t think you’d like a letter with a million questions. I don’t know, though. Maybe you would? I wish I could ask you if I should ask you more questions.

I talked with one of my best friends from back home today. She reached out to me a couple days ago. So did another girl from back home. (I think I told you about her already, though.) It’s been really nice reconnecting with people. Anyway, it’s been a few years since we last talked and we caught up on everything. I told her about you and our relationship and we talked about working things through. I said you cared about me a lot but you just didn’t know how to be there for me. I also talked about how I stressed you out because I was relying on you too much to be my main/only support system up here. Anyway, I have a dog now so you don’t have to worry about that anymore. He’s great and I love him.

Love,

Iris

P.S. Here’s a totally unrelated thing I want to tell you: I bought non-vegan food for the first time today. It was dog food but still. I haven’t bought any non-vegetarian food since before I went vegan. Okay, that probably wasn’t that exciting but I really miss talking with you and I just have so much that I wanted to tell you. I love you. I hope you’re doing okay. I’m really worried about you and that you haven’t replied yet. I’m trying not to take it personally but I know you usually reply relatively quickly and that you don’t spend much time away from your phone because you think people should always have a way of contacting you in case of an emergency. I hope you’re doing okay and that nothing’s happened to you. I miss you a lot.

April 24th, 2020

Dear Diego,

Today is the first day since we’ve kissed that you haven’t tried to say anything to me and I know it’s my fault. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m always such a mess, so impulsive, so reckless, so emotional. I’m sorry I can’t hold everything in all the time like you can.

Everything was going okay and then everything started falling apart. I felt like I was finally in a good place to start dating again. I’m sorry I was too much to handle. I don’t blame you. No one’s been able to be there for me when things get really bad.

You’ve done a lot of really sweet things for me and you’re a good person. It’s okay that you can’t be there for me when I’m a mess. You tried to reach out to other people. (Although I wish you had chosen my friends instead of figures of authority.)

If we were still talking, I’d tell you I totally nailed my last dance piece. I think you’d really like it. I was running out of time and it was really late and I did one take and looked at it and knew it was the one I’d post so I didn’t even bother recording a next one. Also, my feet were bleeding and I started to notice there was blood all over the floor so I thought I should stop and clean that up. Then the police came and... they said my boyfriend called. This might sound kind of weird, but I really liked that they referred to you as my boyfriend. As if we’re still together. Who knows, maybe we are. I don’t remember you breaking up with me last night. But maybe you did. I don’t know. I was drunk.

Anyway, none of that was stuff that I really wanted to tell you. What I really wanted to tell you is that I’m going to the shelter tomorrow to look at a dog. I found one that doesn’t eat sheep, attack cats and other animals, or bite people. At least, the person I talked with on the phone didn’t mention any negative qualities and just said that the dog was found abandoned. My mom said a dog from the shelter is going to need a lot of extra work and training but I think that’s okay because so do I. Plus, I think it would be good to have something to do with my time besides sit in my thoughts (and start blogs where I write essays to you). I’m really excited to see him tomorrow.

I hope you’re doing okay. I know you’re going through a lot right now, too. I’m sorry you never felt like you could share what was bothering you. I could tell you were holding things back, holding them in. I don’t know if it was to protect me or yourself.

I miss you a lot. That probably sounds stupid because it’s only been a day and I’m pretty sure you never want to see or hear from me again. I’m still thinking about spending NYE with you at my family friend’s house. Also, I’m thinking about all the packages I’ve sent to your house that will arrive within the next week or two or three. I wonder if you’ll say something to me or if you’ll get your roommates to do it for you. I don’t think they want to see or hear from me again, either. I wouldn’t blame you. Or them. I’d like my stuff but more than that, I’d like to have you in my life.

I would try to be friends if that’s what you wanted. I would try really hard. I’d probably end up spending most of my time trying to convince you to love me again by seducing you but I would try really hard not to.

I hope you’ve had a good day today. I know we were talking about going to the beach this weekend. I still wish we could.

Oh, and that assignment that I needed help on? I asked the girl in charge of it and she went over everything with me via Zoom. I think we spent about an hour on it. I felt like I was about to burst into tears at any moment but she helped me through everything. She was very patient and understanding. Also, my professor delayed our first project to be due next Wednesday and she went over a lot of the steps today in class. I’m still really worried about everything. I wish I had you by my side. Not necessarily to help me or anything, just as moral support. Anyway, I guess that’s why I’m going to go look at a dog tomorrow. Maybe if I get him you can come over sometime and meet him. If you still want to see me again.

I love you. I’m sorry if I’m bad at showing it.

Love,

Iris