deadauthordangling
dead author dangling
“This is either 2 writers or some big split personality”
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Osamu Dazai rose from his soft bed and yawned in an attractive way that seemed so fake it was as if he was acting in a movie. He went and looked in the mirror and realized something. At first he thought he may have gained a couple pounds but soon he realized that was not the case. Against all odds somehow he was pregnant!
#written by the cooler kale#bungo stray dogs#bsd#bungou stray dogs#dazai#osamu dazai#bsd fanfiction#crack fic#dazai osamu
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vixenamy was fully conscious laying on the ground, his ego was the only thing damaged. he could hear an incoming motor vehicle from behind him. it was getting louder by the second. he felt something drive over his body, it was chuuya.
#authorkale#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#chuuya#chuuya nakahara#bsd headcannons#chuuya headcanons
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Dazai’s Silly Little Prank part 1
Written and executed by the cooler kale
Dazai has many problems. But one of the worst problems of his is the destructiveness that comes when he is bored. And today Kunikida would be the one to suffer from Dazai’s boredom.
Now Kunikida was having a normal day. He woke up exactly at 8:00 and practiced his martial arts. He was extraordinarily graceful and his style was unmatched. Everything was planned out perfectly so that his day would go smoothly without any wasted time. Nothing could distract him from his schedule. Well.. that’s what he thought. He had forgotten that there existed one man who could somehow manage to ruin everything in a manner of seconds. Osamu Dazai.
Dazai greeted Kunikida with a friendly smile… too friendly. Kunikida knew something was wrong so he ensured that he was always 2 steps ahead. But he forgot that Dazai knew him very well and was already 10 steps ahead.
Once Kunikida sat down he went to check his computer. But he saw that the news had just declared a new global pandemic called deez nuts. Instantly he opened his emergency drawers and grabbed his mask. He jumped out of his seat and started sanitizing the whole detective agency. Atsushi asked what was wrong and he was shocked at his ignorance, “HAVENT YOU SEEN THE NEWS! YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF FROM DEEZ NUTS!” Everyone just stares at him blankly. Then dazai laughs and says, “wow you don’t seem like someone who would be so immature and stoop down to making deez nuts jokes. Pull yourself together Kunikida, we are at a workplace. Be professional.”
How did this all happen? Well you see a couple hours earlier Dazai called up Katai the futon man and asked him to hack Kunikida’s computer so that his news feed would be showing a fake dangerous pandemic. He lured Katai with women. Not any women though but a specific and very dangerous girl. The one who goes by the name Gin. Now normally Gin would never go out with Katai but for Dazai she’d make the sacrifice.
Back to the current time. Kunikida now knowing that it was all a prank is furious. He starts choking Dazai as hard as he can.
Sadly his arm gets tired before Dazai dies. Then against all his morals he decides to do something he never thought he’d do. He pranks back. He runs back to the office and calls Akutagawa. He prepares his audio clips and then Akutagawa answers. Before Akutagawa can do anything Kunikida plays an audio clip of Dazai saying 3 words, “hey. Come over.” Instantly Akutagawa starts fangirling and yells at Higuchi to get him a high speed automobile.
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Written and directed by the cooler kale
Once Kunikida sat down he realized something. A noise had just occurred. A flatulent noise coming from right under him. He checked and saw a cushion which had made it seem like he had farted. He thought to himself, “this is an agency filled with the world’s greatest detectives there’s no way anyone would fall for this.” But as he looked around he noticed everyone was staring at him and backing away. He proclaimed, “guys please I didn’t fart you know me.” But no one believed him.
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before watching bsd I thought poe was dazai on drugs having a mental breakdown
#author kale#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#poe bsd#dazai#dazai bsd#edgar allan poe#anime#dazai osamu#osamu dazai#poe
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IRL BSD lives.
Written by the cooler kale
Chuuya Nakahara 30 tubercular meningitis 1907-1937
Atsushi Nakajima 33 pneumonia 1909-1942
Sakunosuke Oda 33 lung hemorrhage. More likely, it was from a recurrent bout of tuberculosis. 1913-1947
Ryunosuke Akutagawa 35 suicide 1892-1927
Doppo Kunikida 36 tuberculosis 1871-1908
Osamu Dazai 38 double suicide 1909-1948
Edgar Allan Poe 40 congestion of the brain? No autopsy was performed so there’s many theories 1809-1849
Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald 44 heart attack 1896-1940
Ango Sakaguchi 48 brain aneurysm 1906-1955
Fyodor Dostoevsky 59 pulmonary hemorrhage 1821-1881
Mori Ogai 60 renal failure and pulmonary tuberculosis 1862-1922
Kyoka Izumi 65 lung cancer 1873-1939
Edogawa Ranpo 70 cerebral hemorrhage 1894-1965 July 28
Junichiro Tanizaki 79 heart attack 1886-1965 July 30
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Acuteagawa Crack! Part 2
With @bsdwhore
Fandom - Bungou Stray Dogs
Warming - bunch of bsd characters being ooc and stupid
part 1
you're now in the port mafia. Dont ask for the details you just are
you're scootering through the hallway of the port mafia building and bump into tachihara who was singing "did it on 'em" by ninki munjaj
"if i had a dick i would pull it out and piss on emmmmm" Tachihara raps.
"but you do have a dick", you say
"how do you know that?", He smirks then continues , "you wanna find out shawty?"
"ew im with acuteagawa remember?"
"i simp for acuteagawa too", says hicoochie coming out of nowhere
"me three", says tachihara
meanwhile in the ada….
"i miss y/n so much!", dazei cries into kunikida's chest.
"shut up dazei let's do our work", kunikida says while also crying
Atsushi jumps onto kunikida's back and cries into his neck, "i can't believe they left us for the sickly, poorly dressed, bad haircut, fig lover, emo Victorian boy"
fukuzawa walks in, concerned and walks back out. Fukuzawa then sits by his desk and picks up the phone. It's his ex husband.
"fukuzawa donooooo", mori answers, laughing.
fukuzawa huffs, "I thought i had full custody of this child. Would you like to take this court?"
Mori smirks into the phone "You don't need to. I'm a lawyer"
"you're a doctor"
"I'm also a lawyer"
"SEE THIS IS WHY WE GOT DIVORCED. YOU ALWAYS HIDE THINGS FROM ME", fukuzawa shouts.
"What is your point kitty man?", mori sighs
"JUST GIVE ME MY CHILD BACK GODDAMN IT"
"no." *mori hangs up*
Fukuzawa bursts out of his office and announces “We are officially in war with the pm”
“AGAIN?” Yosano exclaims and pushes ranpos head on to the table. Ranpo starts crying.
Back at PM
You and Acuteagawa sit together in room. You stare at him fondly and he makes a face of disgust.
“Acuteagawa, you wanna go on a date?” You ask blushing like dem wattpad shy™️ girls.
“No I want to eat my figs but I still like you dw” he says and starts eating a fig that appeared from nowhere.
Dejected you go to your bff’s office.
“Chuuya I do be depressed” you say bursting into his office.
He immediately hugs you (flashbacks to part 1)
“can you go be depressed somewhere else? I’m trying to do something” he says, still hugging you.
“Fine then, no one cares about me I’ll just run away” you yell and push him away. You fyodor style naruto run out of his office
The ADA break into the port mafia quite easily cause they badass like that.
“I know the way, you know I used to work here” Dazei brags.
“We know you always bring it up” Kyouka says blankly to which dazei cries dramatically.
You naruto run down the hallway when you bump into Acuteagawa.
“Damn bitch y u runnin?” He says, jumping onto a scooter.
You ignore him and run forward, frowning Acuteagawa follows you on his scooter, slowly honking its horn. (I made some visuals, enjoy)
“Damn hoe wait you know I have attachment issues, where you goin’” Acuteagawa yells.
You continue running cause this hallway is endless, when you bump into a tall figure.
“Y/N” the tall figure says, you look up to him.
“DAZEI ‼️⁉️” Acuteagawa and you yell at the same time. It’s dazei and the rest of your old pals from the ADA
“Yes it is me dazei…dazei osamu” he says, striking a dramatic pose.
“Fuck you bitch we know who you are” Chuuya says coming out of nowhere.
You wipe your tears and ask, “what are you doing here ADA?”
“We are here to get you back y/n” yosano says, eating akus figs which makes him cry in on the floor.
“Only cause we weren’t getting any work done” kunikida adds
“And cause we miss you” Kyouka says also eating akus figs which makes him cry harder.
“We have pictures of Kunikida crying” The Tanizaki siblings say in unison.
“And we have lots of candy Da-I mean the director bought cause we are depressed without you” Ranpo adds
“We should all go home now, I’ll introduce you to my cow” Young kenji the most precious boy says.
“I’m just saying something cause everybody got a chance except me and also I love you we are best friends” Atsushi says and then starts crying and joins Acuteagawa on the floor.
then dazei starts singing "WHAT ABOUT US?! WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH???!!!"
you: "AND WHAT ABOUT TRUST?"
dazei: "YOU KNOW I NEVER WANTED TO HURT YOUUUU"
you:"BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEE"
dazei: "WHAT AM I-
chuuya gravity-s him to da floor
atsooshi grabs your arm and steals you away from acuteagawa
bonus+
mori *crying*: I don't understand kouyou. Why would they leave us?
chuuya *also crying*: stupid dazei. I miss my small chick
kouyou: wha
meanwhile in ada:
fukuzawa holding you tightly, giggling: Im so glad i got my lil baby back. Full custody hell yea. I believe in the justice system.
THE END *corpse husband voice…or is it*
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writer kale here, I made this monstrosity in 34 minutes with no revisions. it’s “crack” featuring the other person of this blog and I in a bsd situation + dazai and chuuya. it gets better towards the middle and end
NO WARNINGS!
word count: 738 + a few because I posted this incorrectly the first time
unfortunately, mori-san sent vixenamy and kale out to do his bidding this morning. they had to go to café uzumaki because elise wanted something specific. mori needs to be stopped
“I hate this job,” vixenamy cried out in the street, putting his hands over his eyes. kale was not annoyed, but amused
as they arrived to the door, kale suddenly remembered where they were.
“NO,” she whisper-screamed.
“what?” vixenamy asked, cluelessly, but realized what was happening once he peered in the window.
inside the cafe was a certain suicidal maniac. vixenamy quickly turned around and ran away, tripping and falling, laying face down on the street.
just as kale turned around to run, the door opened with the chime of the bell. she stopped in her tracks, inching forward to run
“ahhh! kaIeste~” the dazai said, grabbing kale’s jacket to keep her from running. at that moment, kale wanted to go limp in his arms. not out of love or anything, it was just a spontaneous thought. but intrusive thoughts cannot win
“why are you here?” kale asked, not turning to him. dazai let go of her jacket, making her balance somewhat unstable.
“shouldn’t I be asking you that😇?” he smiled stupidly. kale wanting nothing more than to punch him, she would never realistically do it, though it was a funny thought. finally turning around, they were face to face. vixenamy still laying limp in the street. would be a shame if chuuya and his motorcycle ran him over
“mori’s orders,” she said, taking a step back from him. he had a weird look in his eye, like he was about to commit a felony. dazai looked over to vixenamy on the ground, but didn’t say a word. I wonder if he died
dazai motioned for kale to enter the cafe, she did because she wanted to see where this was going.
“is this a date?” kale asked, turning to look at the dude as she walked. he chuckled.
“I’m gay” he said as they sat down in the booth.
with dazai across from her, she was forced to look at him. she wanted to kick him under the table, maybe she would, but not now.
the waitress lady came over to them, they ordered whatever plus the thing mori sent his minions for. kale was surprised dazai didn’t flirt with the waitress
“how is work?” he asked, simply. kale, dazai, vixenamy, and everyone else were former colleagues before suicide man went awol.
“it’s fine, I am feeling traitorous however,”
as the conversation continued inside, something outside was brewing.
vixenamy was fully conscious laying on the ground, his ego was the only thing damaged. he could hear an incoming motor vehicle from behind him. it was getting louder by the second. he felt something drive over his body, it was chuuya.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” chuuya yelled, getting off the motorcycle to pick up vixenamy by the collar.
unfortunately this was happening directly in front of the cafe window so kale and dazai could see everything. vixenamy pointed at the window, chuuya turned to see the people inside.
he immediately dropped vixenamy then stormed through the door. vixenamy got up a few seconds later and followed him in
directly before chuuya started screaming, he spotted kale. he doesn’t usually yell in front of kale for whatever reason. he immediately stopped when he saw the two sitting across from each other, hands close but not quite touching.
“you’re welcome to join us,” dazai said, scooting over to allow room. chuuya sat down next to kale instead. vixenamy sat next to dazai, fangirling on the inside. chuuya has the same expression as his premiere episode in season 1, when he was going back up the staircase with knees bent inward.
“this is awkward,” vixenamy finally spoke. dazai put his arm around the dude in a friendly way, vixenamy passed out immediately. he has that affect on men.
he moved his arm to sit properly and let the fainted child rest.
“is this a date?” chuuya asked after a moment of silence
kale finally kicked dazai under the table, but did it in a way that made dazai think chuuya did it.
“chuuya! why would you do that?” kale asked. chuuya got defensive and stood up. dazai leaped across the table to kiss chuuya.
“what about me!” kale exclaimed. but the two dudes couldn’t hear her.
#I know he’s not a suicidal maniac you don’t need to correct me#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#dazai#osamu dazai#nakahara chuuya#chuuya nakahara#crack fic#bsd fanfiction#fanfiction#port mafia your mom
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