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january 6, 2023 - friday - day 5
i spent a lonely night
trapped in the worst corners of my mind.
i sat in the car, taking a beat
so that I wouldn't walk through the doors
of an empty home
and go straight to the medicine cabinet
full of answers.
i let sleep dissolve my problems
or so I hoped
but when I woke up in the morning
that burning feeling of desperation
and all-consuming emptiness was
still there.
I reached out to you,
let you know how dark my night had
Dhshshhs
Dhshsh
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january 5, 2023 - thursday - day 4
things were fine today until they weren't.
we laughed, we hugged, we played
we practiced our scotch doubles
and did pretty okay.
at some point we made a bet
about who could foul less
and you agreed.
then you were like
"wait, what did I sign up for?"
the same thing I always ask for.
and of course, I won.
So when you walked me to my car
maybe I expected a little more...
initiative
or willingness.
but you said something like
"ok well I'm going to go home and get some rest"
and of course, my heart sank a little.
"ok, well you lost"
and you agreed, but still stood there
waiting for me to move in.
I reminded you again that you had to take initiative
since you lost.
and you grumbled and sighed,
but bent your face down low for me
ridiculously low I might add,
your chin was below mine
and I had to lift it up with my hand
as I was kissing you
so I could make proper contact with your lips.
But just as soon as it started, it was gone.
Maybe two motions, two seconds,
and you pulled away.
We said goodnight
and I got into my car, a little numb,
trying to figure out why I wasn't feeling joy
after a kiss with you
and that's when the emptiness flooded me
and my heart broke
and the tears started coming out in torrents.
once again, that feeling of being unwanted
being too much
making you uncomfortable
with things that i need to feel affection.
it was like I was that little girl again
fighting to be loved by people who
were never going to love me.
that feeling of trying and trying
and being rejected.
not enough and too much all at once,
for anyone.
I drove home with tears pouring
the whole time
wondering if I shouldn't just release you
from something you clearly never wanted.
my heart says no
and my brain tells me yes
because I'm an idiot who can't take no for an answer.
so here I am, wondering if this is even worth it
when it always feels like
I am just making you uncomfortable.
my existence feels like such a burden to you
and to everyone else.
this is one of those days where I want to
give up.
Fhshshs
Dhdhhd
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january 4, 2023 - wednesday - day 3
i don't know if my words will sound pretty today
my mind is all tangled in knots
and when I pull on a string to release one
another knot gets pulled tighter.
just when I start feeling secure in one storyline,
one particular version of your feelings and thoughts,
you say or do something that reintroduces doubt -
more knots that tangle my mind
and tighten my chest.
i asked for a kiss today
and you said you felt uncomfortable
more so than usual
not just with the kiss but physicality in general.
and that one moment was enough
to send me spiraling.
i am now asking myself whether it's even fair
to keep pushing you to be in the dating box
to go on the date
or any of those things
when you've said all along
you don't want to date and
you don't want a relationship.
you've been clear on that
(even if you have indulged in actions
that belied those words)
so maybe i am the fool
for not listening all along
to the words you've been saying,
for finding some hidden meaning in your looks
and touches and moments and kisses -
hidden meanings i've obviously made up in my head.
maybe I should have just listened when you said
you didn't want this
because now I fear that saturday will come
and you won't be ready
and you won't be comfortable
and I will have gotten my hopes up
only to have my heart broken
when you can't give what you've said all along
you haven't had the capacity to give.
in the end,
the fault is mine.
i am the fool.
and maybe I should release you.
Dhdjshs
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january 3, 2023 - tuesday - day 2
I keep wanting to tell you
i love you.
the words are racing
to spill out of me
but obviously it is not the time.
it is not the time because
our first date hasn't even happened
(that's 4 more days away)
and so I'm sure
it would be weird to hear me say
i love you
when we're not even in
the "dating box" yet.
but it's true
that I love you
because i've had 480 days
of you
seeing you
meeting you
knowing you
(then really knowing you)
for that love to exist
and grow
and develop
into this.
I spent 339 of those days
knowing you only as a friend
whose smile always lit up the room
whose kindness showed up in every action
whose laugh always filled me with warmth
not really knowing feelings were there
(but who am i kidding, of course they were).
it took day 340
for the dam to burst wide open
to realize that feelings had grown
without my knowledge,
a secret even to me,
until i tentatively opened that door
just wanting to peek inside
only to be hit with
the flood waters of
my feelings for you.
all it took was asking that one question
for the energy between us to shift
to make my heart race in your presence
where before there was only
stillness.
on day 340 i opened that door
and never looked back.
so yes i love you
because i've spent
the last 140 days since
crossing that threshold
sitting with feelings that were
big and terrifying
from the start.
i can even pinpoint the first day
i thought it
(october 4, 2022)
because i was so scared
of admitting to myself
in my head and out loud
that i loved you
but by that point
it was already too overwhelming
to ignore.
so yes,
i love you
and the words are hanging
on the tip of my tongue
waiting to make the jump
just 4 days before our first date
because even if it is only day 2 of this book
it is actually day 480 of you and me
but obviously,
it is not the time...
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january 2, 2023 - monday - day 1
today is day 1 of starting this thing,
a book of sorts, I guess
to commemorate this journey with you.
it is day 1 of chronicling my feelings
in poetry -
not prose or unpunctuated diary entries.
it is day 1 of trying to translate
feelings to words
of capturing the moments - good and bad
as we embark on this
rather square but fluid journey
of the "dating box"
as we call it.
it is day 1 of this book
but it is not day 1 of feelings;
really more like day 140
since that tuesday in august
(the 16th if you were wondering)
that you drove me home
and I dared to ask a vulnerable (stupid) question,
not knowing it would ever lead us
here.
where is here, exactly?
an in-between, a rest stop,
that foggy gray limbo we have been in
for these last 140 days,
though admittedly
the gray is clearer and more focused
than it ever has been.
We are standing right on the edge
of that line
toes already touching the other side
as we wait,
anxiously (for me)
hesitantly (for you),
to cross the threshold in just 5 days.
it only took 140 days
of tentative talks and awkward moments
vulnerability and distance
a lot of laughter and tears
brutal honesty and confusing words
gentle touches and tight hugs
and electric kisses (at least for me)
to get to this moment.
this moment here
on the precipice of our first date
(officially).
I await this saturday with
tentative anticipation
and excitement
and nerves
and joy
and fear.
I do not know what this first date will bring
but I hope more than anything
that it will not be the last
that it will not be short-lived
that it will be the first in a series of several,
and not just several, but many
and dare I say
not just many, but infinite
some unquantifiable amount
in what i hope is years -
no, a lifetime -
ahead of us.
will it scare you to read this, I wonder?
of course.
guarded and reluctant as you are
certainly hearing me talk of a lifetime
(this early?)
would terrify you.
which is why you will not read it
not yet, anyway.
I will hold on to these words in secret
maybe for a year
maybe less
(if you prove less gunshy)
so that when day 365 comes around
love will exist on both sides
and these words will not paralyze you
but move you.
I hope to give you these 365 poems
that etch this story
our story
into permanence.
and I hope that you will receive them
openly and without reservation,
maybe just a pointed comment here
a joking prod there -
but no fear. never fear.
today is day 1
(but really more like day 140)
of what I hope will be
the start of you and me.
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