The Missing Peace

Every day was the same for Bryan, walking to and from work through the sea of people that make up the bustling city. Bryan is a tall and slender man in his mid-thirties with shaggy dirty blonde hair, his soft sleepy blue eyes make him somewhat unconventionally attractive. Bryan is too focused on his career to even attempt to find someone to share his time with, his days filled with long hours at the office, and even though he is not particularly happy with his job, it does pay well enough to enjoy a decent apartment with a dreamy view of the city. Most days, Bryan keeps his head down, oblivious to his surroundings during his morning commute to work, simply following the crowds of bodies from point A to point B, but today something was different. As Bryan crossed a busy intersection he noticed a park full of beautiful mature trees. He stood there for a moment to enjoy the scenery and his glance then shifted to a man sitting alone on a bench. The man was curiously watching the endlessly changing faces walking passed him. He was a finely dressed older man, a few decades off of today's current style, but never the less wore a nice suit. His pants looked freshly pressed and his shoes looked so shiny you could almost make out your reflection in them. The man had almost a full head of hair, tightly combed back off his face, it was almost all white, a reflection of his old age. Bryan took a moment to watch and with every person that passed, he noticed a sadness come across the old man's face. He could see how desperate he was for some sort of human interaction. Bryan looked down at his watch which read a quarter after 7:00 a.m. He didn't have to be in the office until 9:00 a.m., but most days he prided himself on being the first one in. He looked at the old man again and decided to move in. As he approached they locked eyes and Bryan said, "Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help but notice you're sitting all alone. Are you waiting for someone?" "Sort of," replied the old man. "Well, while you wait would you like to grab a cup of coffee? My treat!" said Bryan. The man's eyes softened and a smile lit across his face, "Yes I would like that very much." Bryan looked around and noticed a diner just across the street, "How about this place over here? I've never been but it looks like a nice enough place." The man replied, "It looks like a great spot to me!" Bryan reached out his hand introducing himself, "It's nice to meet you, my name is Bryan." The man reciprocated the gesture, responding, "My name is George." The two made their way across the street. The diner had a resemblance of something you would see if you were around in the 50s. Sadly, it just wasn't able to be kept up over the years, and yet, still had a certain charm to it. Bryan tried making a joke upon entering to lighten the mood and clear any tension you might have when agreeing to sit down for coffee with a stranger, "I'm sure a place like this makes you feel right at home." "Well, I guess you can say I've seen a few diners in my day," chuckled George. "Take a seat where you like," said a waitress across the room as she poured a cup of coffee for the adjacent customer. The two made their way over to a corner booth. While waiting for the waitress to come to take their drink order, hoping to break the awkward silence, Bryan asked, "Who were you waiting for?" George didn't respond, he just sat there with his eyes focused on the people through the window. Bryan paused, waiting for George to answer but it was clear by his face that he wasn't going to. Bryan looked down and noticed George was wearing a wedding ring, "Were you waiting for your wife? Or maybe your kids?" George's eyes still fixated on the window, "I don't have any family left, no friends, no kids, and my wife passed some time ago. I'm counting down the days until I can see her again, I guess you could say I'm just not ready to move on." Bryan could see how upset he was by this, not sure of what to say that could make George feel better at this moment. Bryan uttered, "Well I can be your friend George." George's face g

I don’t know who I want to be, I just know I don’t want to be me.

It’s not like it happened overnight but more like a light simmer that finally came to boil.

To be honest I’m not sure if I ever really liked myself however I don’t ever remember not liking myself as much as I do now.

I would like to believe I have finally hit my threshold and I would finally be forced to change but I would be naive to think I can’t handle more pain, the idea of more is inconceivable but the reality is I don’t know who I am without pain. I have a blurred vision of what life would be like without the constant throbbing pain but it quickly fades away before I can paint the picture. It just feels a little bit too far out of reach.

I’m hanging on for that one day it will all change, and maybe it’s not an overnight phenomenon but rather an accumulation of not so bad days that lead to better ones that remind me of why I keep going.