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daughterofcabin7 · 5 years
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The Gods as John Mulaney Jokes
Zeus: My dad pulled into the drive thru and ordered one black coffee for himself.
Hera: I would always think to my self "how could a person kill someone?" How could a person murder another person? And then I got cheated on, and I was like "Oh Okay."
Poseidon: Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck one is happy!
Demeter: When I got busted with a one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert I did not serve hard time. I think I got an award.
Ares: He's not gonna know how to fight back with two little sneakers coming at him! Street smarts!
Athena: College is just your opinion. It's just raising your hand and being like "I think Emily Dickinson is a lesbian" and it's like, partial credit.
Apollo: The juke box was three plays for a dollar, so we put in seven dollars and selected 21 plays of Tom Jones's "What's New Pussycat"
Artemis: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don't care for that shit at all.
Aphrodite: Eighth graders will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They'll be like "ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha! Look at that high-waisted man he got feminine hips!"
Hephaestus: If you're an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you're an insane person.
Hermes: Some people give off a vibe right away just like "do not fuck with me." My vibe is more like "hey you could pour soup in my lap and I'd probably apologize to you."
Dionysus: "Is this whisky or perfume." I grabbed it, drank all of it. And said "It's perfume." And it was.
Hades: I married my wife. I love saying my wife. It sounds so adult. "That's my wife!" It's great, you sound like a person. Being married is so nice, I never knew relationships were suppose to make you feel good about yourself.
Hestia: In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
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daughterofcabin7 · 5 years
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let john mulaney host the oscars you fucking cowards
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daughterofcabin7 · 5 years
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daughterofcabin7 · 5 years
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daughterofcabin7 · 5 years
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“You will still frequent my mind, but you no longer haunt my heart”
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daughterofcabin7 · 5 years
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can u believe it’s january?? the start of the year!? like we really gotta do this shit all over again
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THE PIGEON
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Keanu Thieves (via mushroombirdornaments)
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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Introverted Ravenclaw: Paints, reads books for hours, drinks tea, watches the moon, practices magic with a cat and earbuds in, loves in quiet and subtle ways, enjoys hugs, bakes, writes in a journal, is proud of others and makes it known through playlists made at 5 am
Extroverted Ravenclaw: Dances with or without others, enjoys a remix, tells others compliments, drinks coffee, studies in groups, learns about others, listens to audiobooks with friends, loves talking about movies and what they mean while they play
Ambivert Ravenclaw: A mixture of both, tells people that they are loved often but in more ways than one, drinks warm cups of tea and coffee and hot chocolate, loves music and the moon, loves watching others learn, reads and sometimes yells about it, makes playlists with clashing music to give a mood
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM
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Happy Birthday, Bernadette Peters! (02/28/1948)
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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I feel personally attacked
Professor: I hope that essay is coming along well. Ravenclaw: *internally* Jokes on you I haven’t even started yet.
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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introductions are dumb
boy howdy there folks welcome to my essay here’s a hook that relates to the topic of this essay
allow to me to give you some background info on the topic that i’m about to write about
by the way, the side that i’m arguing for in this essay is _____
please enjoy this thesis statement that lists 2-3 reasons why i’m right
body paragraphs are also dumb
the first reason why i’m right is ____
here’s a quote that illustrates this reason (don’t forget to introduce the quote!)
let me explain why this quote illustrates the reason
now i’m gonna give you at least one more quote that illustrates the reason and im gonna explain that shit
in conclusion im fucking right because of this reason
now i’m gonna repeat that process with all of the other reasons why i’m right
here’s why the other side is wrong
some critics may argue that i’m wrong because _____
however
they are wrong because _____
therefore i am right
in case you have terrible short-term memory loss
let me repeat what side i took in this argument
here’s a one to two sentence summary of each paragraph
therefore i am right
because i am right, we should definitely do/start/make _____ because it’ll make the world better or bring about world peace or some shit
congratulations you just 1000% bullshitted an argumentative/persuasive essay enjoy your a
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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Ravenclaw: *early September* Is ahead in all their class readings and ready to learn. Ravenclaw: *early November* Is significantly behind and is stressed from exams and essays. Seriously someone just give them a hug already.
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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Chaotic good
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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Ilyone PJO anime  opening original [x]
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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you know, when i said i wanted the real world to be more like harry potter i just meant the teleportation and the butterbeer, not the entire plot of book 5 where the government refuses to do anything about a deadly threat so the teenagers have to rise up and fight back
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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Solidarity 😌
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daughterofcabin7 · 6 years
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Looks like they could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll: Nico, Jason, Rachel
Looks like a cinnamon roll but could actually kill you: Percy, Piper, Will
Looks like a cinnamon roll and is a cinnamon roll: Leo, Frank, Hazel
Looks like they could kill you and could kill you: Annabeth, Reyna, Thalia
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