darkmaledictor
Ziggurat Of Nachos
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My ARTPOP could mean anything
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I can recognize beauty everywhere.
In people.
In things.
And I can make beauty in words and paint.
The one place I can never seem to find beauty is in me.
That would probably be less upsetting if it provoked more argument from other.
Beauty calls out to beauty.
Nothing calls to me.
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Follow up question: How was I supposed to be sexy outside the pandemic?
how tf am I supposed to be sexy during a pandemic
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Let's rock and roll with some ground/rock type animal facts!
FACT #1 - Pokèmon types are WAY more entertaining form of animal classification that that Class/Order/Phylum stuff.
FACT #2 - If you have an unusually shaped mole on your arm it is better to take him to a veterinarian than a human doctor.
FACT #3 - Biologically speaking, a tortoise is just a lizard doomsday prepper.
FACT #4 - If you take a finch and grind it, you do not get a ground finch. The same goes for a doormice, doves, hogs, hornbills and squirrels. Works for beef though.
FACT #5 - A snake is the only reptile whose sweater, knit skirt, and long underwear are all identically shaped pieces of clothing.
FACT #6 - Goats can consume up to 10 times their own weight in things you didn't want that goat to eat.
FACT #7 - The medium ground finch of the Galapagos Islands is the only known bird that can communicate with ground beef.
FACT #8 - More armadillos are killed every year on roads in the American South West than have ever existed in the history of time.
FACT #9 - Marmots are, mathematically, scientifically, and ecumenically, the most awesome animal in the universe.
[The apparent lack of a 10th fact is not an error. In reality you received this post's 10th fact as the previous posts bonus fact. We can't just make more facts out of thin air you know.]
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Huh. Do you know what time it is?
That's right! It's time for...
[Yet Even More Animal Facts That You Probably Can't Disprove]
FACT #1 It is overwhelmingly cows whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And damn right it's better than yours.
FACT #2 A goat is the universal symbol for "Oh my gods, why are you eating the shed?!?"
FACT #3 Aardvark pays off.
FACT #4 It is possible for a fully grown octopus to leave the ocean and make it's way up the beach, enter a parked car, steal it, find a gun, and commit a murder while making it back to the sea before anyone notices it or the car are gone.
FACT #5 If the prosecution disagrees with # 4 they better produce some evidence, Dennis.
FACT #6 While cartoons grossly exaggerate the number of ducks who wear shirts, the number of ducks shown not wearing pants is largely accurate. As are the number shown wearing spats and kilts.
FACT #7 Only 13% of bearded dragons are wizards in disguise. About 7% are openly wizards. Just over 2% are bards.
FACT #8 It you took all of the snakes in the world, and lined them up end to end, the ones at the beginning of the line would leave before you were even 1% done.
FACT #9 No, I'm sure that tickle on your leg wasn't a bug. It's fine.
FACT #10 The theatrical version of the musical Cats hold the record for being the only thing about cats the internet didn't like.
BONUS FACT: 10% of you aren't reading this because you are too upset about the non-existent insect on your leg.
We's have one bonus fact, but what about
SECOND BONUS FACT: No, Dennis, I can't make an octopus reenact the murder. That would be self-incrimination and octopi have rights.
PREMIUM FACT: <Please Send 5$, or equivalent trade, for access to Premium Facts>
SPOILER FACT: You can send me stuff but there isn't actually a premium fact.
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Feeling down? How about...
[10 Amazing True(TM) Animal Facts You Should Totally Believe]
FACT #1 Gryphons are not mythical, but excessive selective breeding have rendered them almost indiscernible from either lions or eagles.
FACT #2 There is no such animal as a giant squid. Rather normal squids are just very, very large and there are numerous species of miniature squid.
FACT #3 Orangutans actually prefer Koolaid.
FACT #4 A honey badger can not-give 10 times its body weight in shit every day. This is exceeded only by the lady at the DMV.
FACT #5 Anteaters actually prefer termites but you eat ants *one time* and now you have a reputation.
FACT #6 The cat's pajamas are the best simply because all pajamas belong to cats.
FACT #7 Birds and bees know next to nothing about human sexuality and reproduction. I say 'next to nothing' because quite s few parrots know the word 'fuck'.
FACT #8 Tony the Tiger is actually an orange tabby in extensive makeup.
FACT #9 If dinosaurs had not gone extinct many would still be alive today.
FACT #10 If you could put 1,000 songbirds in a standard yellow school bus you should choose not to.
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It has been way too long, so I think we need …
10 FUN CRYPTOZOOLOGICAL ANIMAL FACTS
(THAT YOU CANNOT DISPROVE)
#0 BONUS FACT
A Cryptozoological animal, or cryptid, is a creature whose existence is not recognized by the greater scientific community. Some are real animals with poor evidence, some are non-existent animals with surprisingly good evidence (considering), and some are the primary source of income for struggling local tourist economies.
FACT #1
Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, and Skunk Ape are not four different creatures. It’s 2 different creatures. Two and a half at most.
FACT #2
Elvis Presley is the most commonly reported cryptid worldwide, followed closely by Bigfoot. We assume they’re buddies or something.
FACT #3
The government denies all knowledge of extraterrestrial aliens. To this end, all extraterrestrials are made natural-born citizens retroactively to maintain plausible deniability.
FACT #4
Despite being nigh-universally recognized as fictional, there are more established facts about unicorns than about women’s health.
FACT #(((6 + 4) * 2) / 4)
The Reptilian aliens are notoriously bad at math, which is why they are so commonly believed to have infiltrated politics at every level.¹
FACT #6
You might be logistically capable of disproving these facts, you just aren’t allowed to (it’s the rules).
FACT #7
The Jersey Devil is really only considered a cryptid outside of New Jersey. Locals just call him ‘Garret’, he works the night-shift at 7-11 (but he hopes to make manager soon!)
FACT #8
The famous ‘Surgeon’s Photo’ of the Loch Ness Monster, while widely regarded (and admitted) as a hoax, is in fact our most reliable evidence of a Chupacabra on vacation in the Scottish Highlands. She’s snorkeling.
FACT #9
There is not fact number 9. There never was any fact number 9. You are mistaken. Go home and do not discuss fact number 9 with anyone.
FACT # 10
The jackalope is not Wyoming’s State Mammal because, after being hunted to extinction for tourist souvenirs, counterfeit jackalopes (just rabbits with some horns attached) flooded the market. Not wanting to have a purportedly ‘fictional’ state animal, Wyoming elected to use the bison instead, under the assumption that they had at least 30-40 years before the same thing happened to it.
Enjoy your new knowledge!
SDA 💀
¹ It equals 5, you Reptilian bastard.
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FUN ANIMAL FACTS:
FACT: Spider facts are animal facts even though spiders are invertebrates and crawling up your sleeve.
FACT: Whales used to live on land and only sang in the bath but returned to the ocean for their love of music.
FACT: "You Are What You Eat" is the reason for Australians eating Vegemite. The hope being that the horrific fauna of their nightmarish fever dream of a country won't like the way they taste after eating it.
FACT: Hornets aren't mad, just disappointed.
FACT: The word "firefly" no longer reminds you of an insect.
FACT: Snakes can dance, but nobody else can tell the difference.
FACT: The difference between an adorable sloth and a terrifying possum is primarily speed.
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Even more animal facts you can't disprove!
FACT #3 Aardvarks don't start lists at #1
FACT #2 I wear a disguise to look like human guys but I'm not a man I'm an aardvark boo!
FACT #1 Pigs can hear a loud sweater from 3 miles away.
FACT #4 We only have sparrows because we ran out or regular rows
FACT #5 Polar bears prefer RC Cola
FACT #6 There are more species of catfish on earth than any other known planet.
FACT #7 Giraffes have a genetic resistance to tall jokes.
FACT #8 Owls can count to 3 million but don't bother because all of the things that interest an owl rarely occur in groups larger than 7.
FACT #9 Ocelots hate that joke.
FACT #10 Lions and eagles are feral offshoots of grphons, not the reverse, as previously believed.
BONUS FACT: Humans are the only animal that get pissed at other animals for laying on their keyboard.
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FUN ANIMAL FACTS... AGAIN!
FACT: Rabbit can be cut up and then cooked but hares need to be cooked whole. You don't want to go splitting hares.
FACT: Literally the only one who thought the first fact was funny is a weasel named Ignacio.
FACT: Ignacio is the 432nd most common weasel name world wide. 3rd in Nebraska.
FACT: Horses are the fastest animals on the planet.
FACT: The planet is not Earth.
FACT: A cow can count to over a million, do calculus level math in her head and track 37 different objects in her field of view (but it's only the one cow).
FACT: Animal facts cannot be untrue because animals don't have libel lawyers.
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FUN ANIMAL FACTS!!!
FACT: Elephants are not wrinkly, they are so large that space folds around them giving the appearance of wrinkles.
FACT: Tigers don't have stripes. They just blend in so well that you can't see those parts.
FACT: Humans are the only animals who can turn their eyelids inside out without pain.
FACT: Some of you are in a lot of pain right now.
FACT: There is only one zebra, you just see him a lot.
FACT: There is a giraffe behind you RIGHT NOW!
FACT: Penguins may look formal but can fart the entire alphabet on request (caveat: You do have to request in in Penguinese).
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It's a tower of foam, cardboard and resin, no nachos (yet?) But it'll serve as a fist post I think. Dice Tower!
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