I feel so guilty about everything going on in my life right now. I get so overwhelmed by the smallest things and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve lost all motivation to keep up with school work. I force myself to hang out with friends in an attempt to keep myself busy so I don’t have to deal with my thoughts or emotions. I need to deal with them, but it’s just so hard when I don’t even understand what it is that I’m feeling. The only thing I understand right now is that I need change. I’ve continued to push it off for months. Thinking small changes would help. I shave my head repeatedly and do anything to change how I look so I don’t have to sit here and stare at the same sad person all the time. I need something big and dramatic. I need something, anything to make me feel like I’m alive. I try so hard to not be home. I’m terrified of what will happen if I’m left alone with the thoughts that I keep pushing away. When I’m with friends I’m so happy, I have high highs. Then the second I’m alone I feel nothing but the worst lows of my life. I sit in bed for hours, doing nothing but staring at my walls. I have the pattern of my shitty drywall memorized. My room used to be my happy place, I’d stay home because I felt safe and it made me happy to have something to myself. But anymore it just reminds me of you. Everywhere I look I see you and I hate it. I’m reminded of how shitty you continue to make me feel even though we split up six months ago. I wish I could just make myself forget you. I’m so fucking tempted to start drinking or smoking so much that your name becomes a distant memory. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I hate everything that’s going on in my life right now. My mom has completely given up on being a parent. She does nothing but the bare minimum for us anymore. She used to be my best friend. She was such a good mom and it breaks my heart to see what she’s become. She’s cold and distant to all of us. She hasn’t bought us a single thing that we need, she saves all her money for herself and her new boyfriend. I’ve spent every dollar that I’ve gotten for the past few months on my siblings to make sure that they have what they need. I’ve felt so much responsibility for them lately and it’s too much for me. I’m not their parent. I just want to be able to be a kid again. I want everything to go back to how it was.

im so fucking stupid

why do i always have to fall for your shit. you dont care abot me and you never did. The only thing you want from me is my body. I’m so fucking stupid.

You’re the reason why I find the world so cold and dark.

Where I’m From

I’m from flat lands and open fields

I’m from stolen innocence and tear stained sheets

I’m from porch swings and chipping white paint

I’m from cold metal against my ears and sickly sweet whispers

I’m from late night bonfires and laughter

I’m from well kept secrets and fear struck promises

I’m from clear sunny skies and mud puddles

I’m from dark rooms and cold hands against my small frame

I’m from an unknowing audience and family full of lies

I remember exactly how it felt to be touched by you, cold and careless.

I’ll always remember the words your raspy, lust filled voice would whisper.

They ring in my ears like church bells.

They’re always there and they always will be.

Not remembering most of your traumatic experiences during your childhood would be great if it didn’t make it difficult to control your emotions. You flip out over nothing and end up ruining any relationship your in. It’d be great if you weren’t terrified of being left behind and abandoned. It’s great until you’re deemed childish because you recapitulate the child experience by regressing into child-like behaviors. It’d be great if you didn’t self-sabotage. It’d be great if you didn’t feel so emotionally exhausted all the time. Not remembering doesn’t help and it certainly doesn’t make you feel any better. So why does my brain repress so much?

once he was finished he stepped away and took part of myself with him.

Questions

I remember the fear I felt and the words you spoke. I remember your smell and how you felt. I remember laying stiff when I woke up to you in my pants. I remember the long car rides and the way you smelled your hands after you were done. I remember how you’d ask if I missed it. I remember how every time I saw you again you’d ask if I’ve told anyone. I should feel lucky and grateful that I only remember the small things. But I don’t. I hate myself for it. I don’t remember how far you went with me. I don’t remember how many times it happened. I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember telling you yes but I don’t exactly remember saying no either. But how could I? I was 9. But was I really? How long did it go in for? When did it start and when did it end? Did it even happen? Did I make it all up? I feel like I’m not allowed to be sad over it when I don’t even know what happened. Can I even say I was sexually abused as a child? I hate myself everyday for not remembering. For being too weak. For laying still and waiting for it to end when I could’ve said something. I could’ve stopped it. Was it all my fault? Did I put myself in this situation? I live in silence, but if I ever got the balls I’d ask. Why? Do you still think about it? Do you regret it? Did you think I wouldn’t remember? Do you even care? I have so many questions that I ask myself every day. So many questions but every time I see you I freeze, like a helpless deer caught in headlights.

I made this account so I can vent. I made it so I can learn to cope and learn to love myself again. This isn’t for anyone to follow if you stubble across it somehow. I just want to be able to get things off my chest without fear of someone I know finding out.