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Anxiety
How many days more before I explode? I am cracking at the seams. It's starting to invade my dreams.
The least I can do now is just let the feelings through, write it all out. It's so crazy how people make all of this effort and it'll be all for nothing. Being judged by a name, just a name. No face, no nothing. Must be a nice job, to be a judger. People hate you, people love you. Who knows? You are just doing your job, everything based on paper. Or I don't really know because I have no idea what really happens being a case office.
This sucks though, the waiting, the waiting. I'm psyching myself up for both scenarios. Trying to make myself better for not getting approved, making backup plans. But nothing really prepares you for rejection, and it just sucks so bad. To be helpless, of not knowing.
Why can't there just be sure things? I just hate that if I do get rejected, I have to inform my boss, and I'm not sure how he'll take it. Bewildered probably, but that's what I'm dreading the most, that I have to explain something I'm not really going to understand.
It sucks, it just sucks. Being weighed by pieces of paper that does not truly encompass who I am, what I can and can't do. What my soul truly tells, a future where I have no say.
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Grief
There's a saying that goes, people don't remember what you say, but they remember how you made them feel.
I'm having quite a hard time processing this grief that I am feeling for a man I have not talked to in forever. He's an old friend's father. I haven't even talked to this old friend in a long time either.
And yet, I couldn't help crying when I learned of his passing. It was just on a Facebook post but I started crying when I read it. I sobbed when I saw his photos. I composed a short message for my friend, trying to unload my grief and at the same time trying to thank her for being wonderful that she shared her dad with us, her friends. I pretty much bawled when I read her reply, that out of all her friends, I was her dad's favorite.
I don't really remember any words spoken between us. But I do remember this man, this kind and warm man who welcomed me into his home. This man who I felt what a father is. A man who I never felt any red flags as I would have felt with other men his age.
I only got snippets of him from my friend. She'd mention him in stories and I could feel how much this man loved his daughter, my friend.
I seldom pray but for this man, I prayed. I prayed from the heart and I prayed by reading the prayers made specifically for departed souls. This world just lost a good man.
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Two Weeks in Twin Oaks
I just want to remember this experience of being by myself and living alone. I was forced to move out and I had to live on my own. It was just two weeks but the first weekend I was here, I have to admit I was pretty depressed. I was sad, I missed my dog, and literally, everyone I messaged did not reply. It felt like a sick twist of fate, a joke the universe was pulling.
All my friends were busy, sick, or just plain unresponsive. I was miserable but I did what I had to do. I ADULTED ugh. Cleaned the place up, talked to people so I could get necessities. And slowly, I built a little life here.
It was nice but I shouldn't forget the rough part. It has been over a decade since I lived on my own. I don't remember how it was for me when I moved to my university town. I'm sure there were a lot of adjustments, and I had a miserable time at first.
But, I just want to acknowledge how far I've come. Like being responsible or sleeping with the lights off. I wasn't able to sleep before without having earphones plugged into my ears. Now, there were just a few nights when I had Netflix in the background. Soon, I found the outside traffic to be my white noise.
It's kind of crazy for the first 20 years of my life I lived by a highway and I would hear everything like buses, trucks, and even the train. But, I slept soundly. When I moved to the "suburb", I could not fucking sleep because the leaves rustling on the roof was so noisy. To be honest though, I don't really sleep deeply here. Like, I would wake up in the middle of the night, and I would almost always wake up at 5 in the morning, around the time when my dog usually wakes up.
Anyway, it was nice I got to try new things. I tried Barre3 after so many years of being so curious about it. I walked around, something I couldn't do in my village. I also did a padel class even if I was alone.
It really was a nice experience. It proved I can live alone and be fine. I even did laundry, I mean, I know how to do laundry but I've never used a washer/dryer machine at a commercial place. My sister was like, you're so Rachel lol.
At first, I was a bit bummed out my 2 weeks was coming to a close. But I also miss home, I miss my dog. It's nice to know I still have it in me. To be independent, to know how to survive, to still seek out thriving in life.
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The Discomfort
When I was younger, I did everything to not feel discomfort. It was basically what I was taught, so I had avoided it all my life. Something bad happened? Distract yourself! Somebody hates you? Let's not talk about it! Broken-hearted? It's time to pig out.
There was a time I simply cried and cried, thinking the discomfort will drain out of me. The pain or sadness or anger would miraculously disappear as tears left my body and dried. But no, sadly, it doesn't work like that. I even ended up getting migraines from crying so much.
I'm tired of keeping everything inside. I want to talk about things. And as my therapist has taught me, I have to learn to sit with my discomfort. So, here I am, feeling it all. As uncomfortable as I am, there's really nothing I can do.
I have to acknowledge the discomfort. And dig my way through to why am I even uncomfortable in the first place. And more often than not, I dig up something from my past.
Part of me feels bad because I realized my pattern, when it comes to fight or flight, I always thought I was a fighter. Turns out, when everything becomes too unbearable, when I have reached the last straw, I simply shut down. That's it, no goodbyes, feelings off, the end.
And while I thought that was okay, it turns out it's unhealthy. But right now, I had just ghosted somebody, and I realized, I simply did not want to face the discomfort. So, I don't know if I should. Like, part of me feels like she doesn't deserve an explanation and I really don't want to hear her voice or see her again. Because, you know, discomfort.
I don't really know what to do right now, I am lost and befuddled. I'm just, blah. I don't know what to do. I am just feeling things and being sad.
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Narratives
I’ve been stressing lately because for the first time, I have a huge goal, and there are just so many steps to achieve it. Something didn’t go right or according to plan and my head automatically thinks the world is against me. But this time, I actually stopped and wondered why? Why do I think this way? Where did I get this narrative that the universe is conspiring against me?
Then I travelled back in time when my narratives were really at its worst. When I was a teenager, I kept saying I hated my life and I just wanted to die. Lately, I’ve been waking up just wanting to be dead just so I don’t feel the stress of my objectives.
I was talking with my dad yesterday, and I was just crying and crying. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling. I wanted empathy, but more than anything, I wanted solutions. I want my knight in shining armor. I’m just so tired of fending for myself and I keep thinking of quick solutions, quick yet permanent.
But now, I’m sad. But slightly happy that I’m getting to know myself. The excitement I felt when I had the a-ha! moment was just unique. But alas, it’s still there. And I want to know really, where did this come from?
Who told me that it was me against the world? Because I like to believe the universe is working in my favor. However, I also have a problem of letting go my dreams. I don’t dare open my mind to other possibilities. It’s my way or the highway. But things don’t work that way in the universe.
Again, it’s so hard to unlearn the things that are embedded in my brain. Things whispered to me, things said in front of me and behind my back. Especially the ones that were said to me during my formative years.
I wish I could go back in time and tell my teenage self that everything will be okay. That you aren’t ugly, that you aren’t worthless, that you aren’t what you can and can’t do. You only have to be.
So now, I should make up new stories to tell myself. As much as I want to be a ray of light of endless optimism, I think I’m more of a realist.
There’s also the narrative of “if he wanted to, he would” that’s in my head. Again, I don’t know where it comes from. Because this doesn’t apply to just men or boys, I think this way about God. Yep, the capital G. Like, in my head, I think he can make my life easier with a snap of a finger. But he doesn’t. So, I wonder why.
I can make my life easier, but I don’t know how. Because it’s not in me to just break things down and forget everything. Like, let go and give up. That’s not me, I’m a fighter. (again, where did this narrative come from?) Probably from my parents, probably from being a survivor and just having to try to survive all my life.
I am tired of being the victim and playing the victim. And I can sense people around me are growing tired of it too. However, it’s all I know. It’s my comfort zone. Time to break out of my shell, I guess.
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I am sad, so let me be sad
For the longest time, I’ve had a hard time dealing with “negative” emotions. Being sad, being angry, feeling jealous, and all those sorts. Here in the Philippines, everything has to be “happy happy”. And I used to believe that. Because, no one wanted to hear me speak about my pain, older people told me to stop whining, stop crying. You are not allowed to be negative.
And I realized now, how very mean I was to myself by not allowing myself to feel. So right now, I am so uncomfortable with my sadness and my tears. But this time, I will feel it. I won’t push it away. There was also a time when I was feeling sad and I would purge these feelings by provoking the sadness. Like, watch the saddest movies, recall the worst times in my life, as if I was getting drunk on my sadness and the next day will be the hangover and that would be it.
But feelings don’t work that way, do they? Just spiral spiral spiral into my hole of depression. Never wanting to see the light of day because I thought it was so cruel to be happy for a glimpse and then just be sad all over again.
So, right now, I’ll be sad because I am sad. I will let these tears spill from my eyes and I will wipe them away because I want to, not because of shame.
I still have more to learn about being “sad in advance”. There are just these intrusive thoughts that come into my head. All these negative possibilities but possibilities nonetheless. Maybe I should quit tiktok because everything there is messing with my head. One would say to act like I already have what I want while the other says to keep things grounded. One would want me to hope while the other needs me to stay real. It’s all very confusing.
I should probably go back to my therapist. I a overanalyzing every little thing. People tell me to just “enjoy” but I really can’t. It’s the anxious attachment style in me. Wanting how things will turn out. Not wanting to wait. It’s all so difficult. And all I wish for is an easy life. Because why does life have to be hard.
Recently, I met someone. And I started crying because I never thought I would ever get feelings again. Everything is new to me and yet all of my old patterns keep turning up and suddenly it’s the same old same old.
And now, my head is going through so many scenarios. The ones that make me want to cry. The ones that are making me sad. Because there is a possibility that things will not work out. But why is it so hard for me to also think about the possibility that it could also work out? Because I’d get hurt? I think I’d get hurt either way, love either way. It’s just so hard to go through all of these emotions.
I also kind of find it unfair that I find someone I like and he has to be a thousand miles away. Again, why can’t life just be easy?
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Desperate
I can feel it, seeping through my bones, exiting my pores. The desperation in me. How much I just want to latch onto someone and have my whole world revolve around this person. This is not normal, I know. But I want it so bad. Maybe because I don’t want to focus on myself? I just want to be chosen so bad, to be picked so bad. To have someone’s full attention. 100% I want it so bad.
Why can’t I give it to myself? I don’t understand. I need to see my therapist again. That’s for sure. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’m tired of the anxiety. Of the pain that I cause myself.
I rarely like people but when I do, that’s it. I start latching on and it’s not cute, it’s not nice. It makes them run away or hide. They say attract and not chase. I do attract, but I also chase.
It’s so hard to let go. I’m just so annoyed why do I need to meet these people if they aren’t the one. You know? Why just hurt me? I’m tired of the god damned fucking lessons. Give me the fucking exam.
Semi-absent men are my jam because I had semi-absent parents. I don’t know how to show up for myself. I don’t even know how to begin how to do that.
Why can’t things just fall on my lap? Why can’t things just go my way? Why? I don’t understand. All I do is adjust, adjust, and adjust. And I’m so tired, I no longer want to budge.
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It’s Always a Me Problem
Here I am, adjusting, and I feel bad, and I feel sad. I’m having trouble figuring things out. Like part of me feels like I’m acting like a brat but also I feel like I deserve answers? I don’t know, I’m very confused right now and sad that I can’t be chill and go with the flow.
I’m tired of my anxiety. I’m tired of always worrying. My psychologist doesn’t want me to get medication, so I have to do this the natural way. Which is DEALING WITH IT. Oh my God, it is so difficult to just sit with my feelings and not have to do anything about them. Just, let them be.
I’m just scared I’m putting myself in the back burner. But also scared that this is me self-sabotaging. I don’t know, I’m just hella confused. And I don’t know what to do.
Maybe it’s a money issue, I don’t know. I’m tired of logic right now and rationalizing with myself. Whatever. We’ll see.
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Impulse, Revenge
Okay, I’m going nuts, going crazy, going bananas, what have you. Whatever, but I have been cooped up for far too long in this house, in my shackles, my cage. I made it but it’s time to break out. I am so tired of the burden, all of the burden.
For once, I just want to be free. But at the same time, I’m still scared. Of course I’m scared. That’s normal right? But, I just want to take these steps to feel like me again, you know.
I definitely feel some type of guilt. Leaving and all. But I have to keep reminding myself I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t choose this. And I’m just tired, so very tired. And I deserve better. I deserve better. I deserve better.
Keep repeating it until it sticks. I deserve better. I really do. And I believe that. Because I have SLAVED AWAY. And I have been emotionally abused for so long. I know I’m supposed to be thinking long term. But like, let the impulsive me come alive again.
Whenever my dad describes the way I was, I can’t imagine myself being like that again. I was backed into a corner, being told I was selfish, being told I thought about no one else but myself. All the while my dad was admiring me for knowing what I want and doing the things I have to do to get it.
It’s nice though, to learn that little flame in me sparked a flame in another. Maybe my dad is returning the my little flame to me. I miss the fire in my blood, the way it feels when I want something and my mind just starts whirring so I’ll know what to do. Oh younger me had so much guts.
Older me, got scared, got a little too comfortable hiding in the dark. It was nice but that’s all there was, darkness, nothingness. I knew everything in that little space. But now, half of me is in the darkness and half of me wants to burst into a fireball.
Do I want to be sad? Or do I want the possibility of happiness? I have the most chance of happiness when I do what I’m about to do. For a second there, of course, I got scared of the risks. I am aware it may not turn to happiness, that’s why I said the possibility. But I like the possibility more than the sure thing that is sadness.
I am a gambler, and I love to win. But I have to learn how to lose, too. As hard as it is for someone like me who has felt like everything was a downward spiral. Feeling like a loser all my life, I’m tired of that. I refuse to believe that I was born to lose. I was born to learn.
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🤢
It will be the first time I’ll be away from home for so long, and I’m feeling sick from anxiety and nervousness. I’ve been whining about freedom for months and months and now that it’s finally here, I find myself cowering over the unknown.
I’ve gotten so used to this comfort zone. And now that freedom is right around the corner, I’m surprised I’m not excited. I feel homesick already. Is that normal? Is this weird? I can’t really tell. I haven’t spoken to my psychologist in forever. I haven’t tried out “new” things in quite a while. And, I’m scared.
But, I guess, this helps. Acknowledging my feelings. It’s nice. I’ll just bask in it, observe it and whatnot. I’ll try not to spiral. I hope I don’t spiral. I’ve got certain expectations with my trip and I hope I don’t disappoint myself.
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4 Months
Time was so fast and so slow at the same time. My freedom has finally arrived. There are definitely many realizations that have occurred in the last few months, I’ve yet to sort through all of them yet. For now, I’m taking it one step at a time. I am tired. But for now, I’ll just let everything simmer.
Like how I’m definitely going to miss my sister and the good times but also feel relief that they have gone back. It’s nice to know I can feel both. Which I tried to explain to her, somehow.
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Been a while
My space is an entire mess, it’s been months of swimming. I am tired. Have I been living? To the best that I could. Am I shutting down? I’m trying my best to be present in this muck. It’s not all muck but oh my God, it’s a lot of muck. I’m tired and I can’t wait to be able to finally breathe again. Like damn, can I live?
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Depression
The one thing I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am spiraling, but I no longer want to go back to how I was. But I feel like I need to go back to how I was to be able to survive my current circumstance.
How easy it was to shut everything off, be angry at every little thing. Not be responsible for anyone. But alas, I can’t find myself to go back.
Today, I am reminded, no matter how much you give and you love, that very thing that you give can be spat back at you, chewed up, thrown up, etc. My dog (well, technically, my mom’s) bit me. I took care of this dog, I loved this dog when I said I would never love another dog again.
And it hurts. The very bite, it hurts, what that bite meant to me, it hurts, everything hurts. I was in shock, I didn’t even hit my dog (which would be a natural reaction for me when I am hurt).
I ran to the ER, only to find out that I could not afford the treatment at the hospital. Morale is down, way, way down. And I want to go back to my old habits, my old defense mechanisms. Just clamp up. I want to take pills so I can just sleep through everything.
Everything you love will hurt you. Is it possible to love and not be hurt? Or will love not exist without hurt?
I am down, down, down in the dumps.
And yet, the final tie has been cut. What’s keeping me here? But this time, I no longer long for death. I long for something else, something new.
Where will this depression lead me to this time?
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Disappointments and Disasters
For the first time in a long time, I have been let down by something quite small. I was expecting a delivery to arrive, and it didn’t. Usually, I’d be bursting with anger. And I guess, it’s quite surprising. I am angry, I am disappointed, I can feel it inside of me. And I let it just surge through me. But, I guess, I’m just surprised, it’s not the same.
Like, it’s just different, I guess. Like for now, my sister and her kids are living with my mom and I. And she would grate at my nerves most of the time. Like, I probably would be crying at every snide remark she makes. But now, it still affects me, but not in the same way. I hope this is what it means for progress. No, i do believe this is progress. This is my progress. I can still feel but now, I understand rather just go nuclear instantly. And that’s nice.
I do like me and I do love me. In disappointments and disasters. Slowly, I’m starting to learn, it’s okay to feel. In fact, it is good to feel. And I shouldn’t be shaming myself for every “negative” emotion that I encounter. I’m not yet 100% but slowly, I believe, I’ll get there.
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Closer and Closer
The inevitable is coming, and I am feeling depressed just thinking about what I have to do, what I need to do, to keep my sanity, to survive. I feel so sorry for the circumstances. I have to let go of so many things, my progress won’t be consistent, etc. I’m starting to feel weak as it is, as the barriers start to break.
I don’t know what to do right now. Should I just enjoy the remaining moments of peace? I feel like I’m already doing enough preparation. And yet, still not enough. I wish I didn’t have to go through what I have to go through. There’s a lot of I wishes circling about my head, I wish it never happened, I wish everything wasn’t so fucking messy, etc. etc.
Right now, I just feel so defeated, and I have to sit with my feelings. Not grin and bear it, but understand. At least, there’s still one thing going right in me. Working in myself is one of the hardest things I ever have to do. But it’s one that I never questioned. No matter how hard. And I understand that this is part of it. The feeling down and dejected.
I’m scared, definitely. Like, I’m not excited of the predicted shit-show that is to come. But one thing that keeps me sane is the possibility of good things that can happen. It’s the only thing that I can hold on to. That there will always be a silver lining, somehow.
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Staying Still But Not Left Behind
When I was growing up, I always, always felt left out. I was the last one to get a boyfriend, I lost my virginity because I felt like everyone was doing it. In my 20s, all of my friends were entering marriages, making babies and shit. And I felt like, what’s wrong with me, why am I left behind? etc. etc. etc.
But after a traumatic experience that led to several major meltdowns and weekly therapies + a global pandemic, I find myself just staying still. My friends surrounding me now are all ready to get over this pandemic, they found new loves (hopefully healthy relationships), made plans to go outside the country, etc. etc. etc.
And here I am, watching them, cheering them on. Waiting to be taken along for the ride (vicariously, of course). I’m pretty sure I have changed, my mindset and all. But also, I think these set of friends aren’t gatekeepers either. Like, they want to take me with them (again, not in a literal way). They tell me what happens with them and not hide the good, the bad, or the ugly.
To be honest, I still hear the “where’s mine?” at the back of my head. But it’s more of a wonderment. It’s not the bitter questioning I used to have that would then directly target my personality or my physicality and whatnot. For once, I can feel within myself that I am simply not ready. I am not there yet. I do wonder when I will be ready. I just know I don’t want to rush things again, like I did before.
So for now, I will stay still. Watch my friends get on their boats, sail into peaceful seas and go through storms and huge waves. I’ll be on the sidelines. Maybe learning from them, definitely being happy with them. Maybe one day I’ll get on a boat too, but for now I’ll take it slow.
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Crazy Holidays
I don’t remember the last time I was happy for Christmas. Was I ever really happy even then? Or was I just looking forward to gifts, and being disappointed because I didn’t get what I want or I did get it but it wasn’t what I imagined it to be?
I don’t remember the last time I didn’t cry during Christmas. It was always tears of sadness too. Sadness, anger, anguish, misery. But I liked Christmas before, the hype of it all, the smell in the air, and the hope.
This last Christmas, surprise, surprise, I cried again. But it wasn’t all sadness, there was also a little bit of joy and relief mixed into it. I received one of the best gifts in the world—hope. I opened up to someone who truly understands what happened to me, because it happened to her too. I was happy there was someone I can relate to but at the same time sad that it actually happened to another person. It was very conflicting.
But the main takeaway from that gift was hope. Because she turned out all right. It gives me hope that I will turn out all right too.
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