today is tuesday december 11th 2018. Your nonna and nana are here at your new place and you’re sitting in the middle of them laughing and talking about good memories. i know your nonna is so proud of you by the way she looks at you, and how impressed she was with your new home. i love you so much and i want you to know that no matter what you are going through, love yourself. if you can’t love your whole self right now, love smaller parts. like the way strans of hair poke up and out of your messy bun and you’ve got this great big sweater on and bright plaid pajamas on and you still look beautiful. by the least, admire that.

*crushes my emotions with my bare hands* as I was saying,

its me.. your ug, i love you and this is all  sweetheart. temporary. you are so beyond stronger than you think you are and anything you are fighting with right now is no struggle alone because i am here one step behind you and i am going to protect you from everything 

have you ever reached a point where you don’t want to pretend to be optimistic anymore because life is just a giant pile of shit and all we can do is try to survive it

that feeling when your anxiety becomes so uncontrollable and overwhelming that you finally just crash below the surface and feel nothing

school is the worst for me. i have way too high of expectations for myself, so the thought of doing school work becomes a paralyzing fear. why even try if you’re just going to fail? if you don’t get the absolute best grade in the class, you’re a failure. why even try? because if you don’t you’re a failure. 

i’m stuck in a loop. i have all these assignments due and i can’t study or work because i’m too scared of fucking it up. then comes the moment where i have no more time to waste, and the anxiety sky rockets and i feel like i can’t breathe. what does that mean? depression symptoms. motivation gets lost and suddenly i don’t want to do anything. i’m trapped.

people always equip this procrastination to “laziness” and it’s what i constantly tell myself, too. there’s nothing wrong with you, tiyana. you’d just rather watch tv all day and that’s why you’re not going to amount to anything. you’re just fucking lazy. 

it’s not laziness. if you could experience what i feel, you would understand that, too. the fear of failing is so instrumental that you don’t even want to try. i can’t paint a word picture of what it’s like to feel like you’re absolutely fucking worthless. i can’t express what it’s like to base your entire self-worth on your grades. everybody around me keeps telling me that i’m smart and that i need to stop putting so much pressure on myself, and fuck do i ever wish i could believe them. 

i have such big dreams for myself, and i want to achieve them so badly but this makes it so fucking hard. no matter what i do, i’m not good enough. no matter how hard i work, i will amount to nothing. unless i get 100% on every single fucking assignment, i’m going to fail. this is my brain, all the fucking time. people think i’m being dramatic but i couldn’t be any more serious. i’m always trying to prove myself wrong, but i never do enough to succeed in doing so.

sometimes i just wonder if all of this is hopeless.

im tired of not being good enough and im tired of not being bad enough

it’s frustrating feeling like there’s nobody i can relate to. i don’t like feeling sorry for myself (most of the time because i don’t feel it’s justified), but my entire life is going to consist of me having to battle my mental illness. i’m in a constant fight day in and day out, and even when i think things are getting better, my walls collapse around me. i had a good year. that was me believing things were changing. i couldn’t have been more wrong.

now i sit awake on my computer, recognizing the fact that this is just “part of the illness”. i tell my therapist this is unfair and she tells me she can’t imagine what it’s like. well, you know what? you can’t. you can’t imagine what it’s like to have the potential to do great things only to have your mind prevent you from getting there. we all face obstacles in life, but mine never goes away. i’ve been given skills to help cope, but why the fuck should i have to do this? i have to work so much harder in everything because of this stupid fucking illness. i never let myself say it out loud, but i don’t care anymore. it isn’t fair. fuck you and your achievements. fuck you for leaving me behind because i was too much to deal with. you have no idea what it’s like to be in my shoes.

no offense but i have that unrealistically perfect idea of myself in my head & if i cannot achieve exactly that perfect idea and nothing less, then i am basically garbage

I can feel everything begin to get lost again. When you finally dig yourself out of that deep dark hole they call depression, the weight is lifted off your shoulders and the world feels light. You feel as though you can take on anything. I write posts of inspiration for those around me, telling them that if you put in the effort you can get where I am... but I’m not there anymore. 

The world feels as though it’s fading around me. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to do anything. I’m too scared to try anything out of fear of failure. I am a failure. I believe it again. 

This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. Highs and lows. When I’m in the best part, I always tell myself I’ll be able to handle the lows. I have the tools and skills that were given to me in therapy, so that when I’m struggling I know how to pull myself out of it. Too bad I didn’t know how difficult it would be. Too bad I didn’t know I’d hardly be able to pull myself out of bed in the morning, let alone being mindful enough to use my skills.

I am so fucking angry that this is my life. I fucking hate that I have to live with BPD. It isn’t fair that I fight my way through hell only to be presented with it again a year later. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

hi it be meg.

You're sleeping on my chest right now and I would never want to be anywhere else but right here with you. Thank you for such a beautiful birthday surprise, all of the writing on balloons of memories of us, and self love compliments. I cannot express how dear I hold you to my heart. I am so very in love with you my sweet, beautiful princess.

Anyone else piss their mom off without even trying lol