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constantbattlewithmyself · 3 years

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so i fucked myself basically

yup gave myself a hard fucking

i acted upon my lust and now i feel like a complete idiot

the day it happened, i had conflicted feelings about my relationship and i came to a sudden realization -- “wow this feels good, i kind of want to have sex with more people”

it was truly exciting and fun and even though i dug myself into a deeper fucking hole, i don’t regret it

it was fun while it lasted but now im just dealing with the consequences of my actions

i can’t act normal in front of jason as if everything is back to normal

i feel even more ashamed and disgusted of myself

open relationship? HAHA why did i have such high hopes that it would work out in the end.. like i can actually be in one

i don’t like rules or boundaries

i want to be free

but i still want to be with him

but i can do both can’t i?

i feel like a complete idiot letting this other insignificant guy sway me with his “charm” and “lovey dovey” words

why did i actually think he liked me? that something could possibly happen?

and constantly calling me princess

at first it felt good like he wants to serve and please me and make me happy

but now i feel like it’s very condescending

stop putting hope into our “connection” and saying that you’ll come visit and expect us to pick up where we left off

i’m “too young?”

get over yourself please

why did you fuck me if i was too young then

yeah cus you’re a fucking player who will do anything u please disregarding other peoples feelings

truly disgusted

i’m over it

he didn’t and doesn’t deserve me and he can’t and wont have me.. not again

he fooled me as much as i fooled myself

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constantbattlewithmyself · 3 years

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let me sit down and think

there’s so many thoughts going through my head i don’t even know where to start

im pissed at myself because i hate how how i am and why i’m feeling this way all of a sudden

i have a person who loves me unconditionally

when i look like a complete rat wearing no makeup and the baggiest of clothes

he loves me unconditionally on my bad days

when i’m sad and crying

or pissed and frustrated with myself

he has seen the ugliest sides of me but still loves me unconditionally

he has always been by my side.. my partner in crime.. my life partner.. my soulmate

i don’t know what i would do without him or if i hadn’t met him

he has made me question myself and feel things i’ve never felt before

i can see a future with him

our marriage with all our loved ones

our big headed chubby faced kids

i can see it all

and it’s honestly terrifying because this guy has me thinking about my future life with him and what i want and need and it all involves him in the picture

but i haven’t been single in years and i feel like i’ve lost sight of myself

idk what i want or need for myself

i’ve just been cruising through life not having to worry about anything because i have him and i know he’ll always be there for me

what would i even do if i was single? how would i feel? would i be lonely or happy?

i’m honestly too scared to find out

there are days i wanna be single but there are most days that i’m so lucky to have someone that i can rely on

someone whose my best friend, my ride or die till the end

but what if i need to prioritize myself

what do i fucking want?

shit i’ve never thought about it

everything was going good until i met that fucking guy at work

but why is he making me feel this way?

i don’t see a future with this guy

we don’t have the same connection that me and jason do

so why am i attracted to him?

just lust. pure lust

he makes me feel nervous and uneasy

makes me question myself, what i’m doing in life and if i’m happy

i’ve been trying to deny the sexual tension between us but the fact that he’s leaving so soon and i’m never gonna see him again is overwhelming me and pressuring me into making a decision that could forever change my relationship

i’m starting to question not only myself, but my relationship with the love of my life

it makes me want to do things with this guy

and that if i don’t, i’ll look back and regret it

honestly, could i ever been in an open relationship? probably not

its normal for humans to be attracted to other humans but

i can’t imagine jason doing things with another girl

i have to put myself in his shoes and stop thinking about myself for a moment

i’m selfish and i hate it

it’s hurting me, but i know it’s hurting him worse

would i be happy if he slept with another girl? another girl who he has more of a connection with?

the honest answer is no

so why am i trying to do the same

why am i hurting someone who has and never will hurt me

i’m getting tired of myself

i hate it so much

whatever i do is gonna change my relationship

if i do act upon my lust, then what kind of person does that make me?

does that mean i don’t even care about jason, not only as a lover, but as a friend?

but at the same time, i want to be able to do what i want to do

if i don’t act upon my lust, then will i regret it?

will i actually be happy even though i’m with jason in the end?

either way i’m not happy in the end

i have to make a decision

what matters to me more

i have to choose between the love of my life and myself — my selfish needs & wants

this is a fucking battle with myself and i feel like i’m losing either way

so what do i fucking do

god please help

why do i have a tendency to destroy things when things are getting good

can someone please fucking explain to me what’s wrong with me

sometimes i just wanna crawl in a hole and die

because that’s what i feel like i deserve right now

i don’t deserve happiness because i’m a shit person

i’ve done shit things

but in the end, he knows about everything, my past mistakes, and still accepts and loves me endlessly

but why?

what is wrong with him?

i’m not even special what does he see in me that i don’t see in myself

i don’t deserve him at all

he’s pure and although he has flaws, i love him regardless like he loves me for my flaws

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