SNEAK CUDDLES

I’m so tired of schizophrenia being treated by neurotypicals as a sort of death sentence. I was in my speech class today and this girl was giving her speech on why she thought assisted suicide should be legal for those with chronic illnesses (I disagree with her; my speech was on why you should believe in climate change). At the end when we were allowed to ask questions I asked if she thought people with chronic mental illness should be allowed to be killed by doctors and she sort of pauses and her and ANOTHER girl in the front start talking about “well if it’s schizophrenia or…” And I was so taken aback. Schizophrenia is not a fucking death sentence. Yes it’s lifelong. But it doesn’t mean I can’t live a long life enjoying the people and things I love. I’m so tired of schizophrenia being so misunderstood, and yes I asked this girl in front of the whole class if she thought I should be allowed a doctor’s help to kill myself bc I was schizophrenic. She kind of brushed it off, too, and I didn’t really get an answer other than “well if you wanted to you should be able to just talk to a psychiatrist first.” And then of course I had to go after her when I wasn’t feeling well to begin with and talk about climate change. A sweet friend of mine though sits next to me and she was very kind hyping me up for my speech so at least I have that.

Coping mechanisms for people with psychosis

1. the five senses, 5 things you can touch (touch them). 4 things you can see (say out loud(must be real)). 3 things you can hear (say out loud (must be real)). 2 things you can smell (create a smell if necessary). 1 thing you can taste (find something to taste).

2. breathing exercises. Focus on breathing in and out. Go slow and try to almost follow the route of your breathing. [I usually picture it swirling around in my chest when i breathe in and it rushes out when i breathe out]

3. mantra/motto. Pick a saying to repeat all the time. Another language is better but not necessary (another languages forces your brain to focus on the words bc you have to translate it) [mine are, I’m okay/it’s okay and C’est la vie (that is life) i picked those bc for me a lot of the time i need the reminder that, that is life. My disorder is just part of it and I have to keep going anyway] say the saying(s) fast, slow, whatever. You can also use this with the breathing technique. To help calm you. The saying is suppose to help center you (this is very spiritual kinda voodoo stuff but it works) so with the breathing you can do it with the inhale/exhales if it is possible. There is no word limit on the saying.

4. Write what the voices say to remind you that that is what the voices…the disorder is saying, not you or anyone else.

5. If 4 is too uncomfortable to do. Write/say logical thoughts against the voices and/or delusions (writing it down is good if the voices repeat the same things, bc then you can just read your list of logic)For example if the voices tell you to kill yourself, write/say it is important that I stay alive (and you can add a reason to it or say something different) or if the voices say someone is watching you pointing out that there is no reason for someone to be watching me. (It can get hard when evidence is hard to proven (typically happens with a lot of government paranoia bc it’s hard to prove since the whole paranoia is on how secretive the government is, but it can be disproven if you think hard enough and find a weird perspective on the situation))

6. Patterns, schedules, repetition can help give you stability and help give you a sense of reality. [I have the same routine for every morning and same with at night, bathroom, brush teeth, contacts, meds] having something that you do everyday helps center yourself.

7. Ignore/don’t give attention to the voices and hallucinations. I know this sounds hard and neurotypical but if you can try bc the more practice doing it the better you’ll get at it which will lead to better functioning when it’s going on while you are trying to do your day to day tasks (work,school etc).

8. Change where you are. Sometimes where you are sitting/standing or the place you’re at is causing more to happen. So change your placement. [i hallucinated in my EMT class and told my classmate that the carpet was making it hard for me to ignore the hallucinations bc it was making them move more, so she switched seats with me so that I couldn’t see the carpet]

9. Constant noise. Sometimes it’s nice just to have something playing all the time [why I watch greys all the time] to having something to focus on if the voices get too much.

10. Get better lightening in a room, to brighten the room. It helps you not feel trapped and down. The more light the better.

11.Clean up the area you’re in. Same reasons as 10.

12.Change what you are watching or listening to if things get intense. Same reason as 10.

13. Make lite of the situation. Make a joke of the voices, make fun of the hallucinations. Laugh off the delusions. Make them seem ridiculous can at least take the anxiety away from the situation.

14. If you feel like you may get stuck/frozen. Try to distract yourself with something that you have to focus on. It will have to require some type of movement even if it is moving your hands.

I hate to sound like one of those guys but I honestly think a lot of people are now using the terms executive dysfunction, dissociation, and intrusive thoughts either incorrectly or to excuse particular behaviors otherwise not caused by mental illness but by a lack of desire to do things.

Executive dysfunction isn’t just limited to not having the desire/energy to do things. It also involves impulsivity, mood swings, memory problems, and troubles with social interaction.

Dissociation isn’t just spacing out. It’s a disruption in your consciousness, your memory, and your perception on the world.

Intrusive thoughts are not harmless, quirky commands made by your brain. They are scary and often involve terrible acts of violence.

People throwing around these terms with incorrect or oversimplified definitions is harmful. You get a lot of people going “oh that’s me!” and thinking whenever they daydream in class they’re actually dissociating and call it that, not stopping to think that it’s actually a symptom developed from severe PTSD. Or how executive function primarily effects those with ADHD or brain injury and yet people who take a bit to do their homework or anything involving a bit of effort cite it as their reason for doing it so late rather than a simple lack of desire to do so. Or how intrusive thoughts can make someone so shaken and anxious that they become terrified of themselves but thoughts like “eat a leaf off the ground” somehow fall under this classification.

If you are experiencing these debilitating symptoms, get help if you can. Go to a psych, a therapist, counselor, anyone. If you don’t have the means to, find online support communities. Don’t spread misinformation and cheapen how terrifying and debilitating these symptoms really can be

Even if it was a hallucination or delusion, you still experienced it as real. You’re allowed to be traumatized, you’re allowed to be scarred, don’t let people tell you that your trauma is invalid.

Me: [has depression with psychotic symptoms]

Me: [wakes up delusional, paranoid and depressed]

Me:

hi tonight I’m thinking of all the people who are worse off than they were this time last year. of the people who have gone downhill mentally instead of up and of the people whose lives have gotten worse instead of better.

You may be in a really awful place right now but I am telling you that there is relief ahead. You will be able to breathe again. I know you probably can’t believe that right now, so trust me instead of your own doubts. I love you.

Thank you. I'll try to remember that. But I don't know, it was discouraging reading through all those journal entries tbh. And difficult. Like, they just prove that every time it gets better is followed by a relapse that's worse than the last one. I know it'll be okay eventually but I also know it'll all fall apart again, over and over and over, and I'm not sure how many years of that I can take, you know? The psychs keep hoping for no future relapse, but I don't have that hope. - Rec

I relate. Healing isn’t linear and it’ll go up and down many times and there’s no finish line after which everything will be easy and perfect and it sucks.

But maybe it’s okay that there’s no finish line.

Maybe it’s just about learning better ways to cope with and get through the hard times and about learning to enjoy and make the most of the good times.

Maybe we need to see this an on going learning process and not as a race towards unattainable perfection. 

Maybe we can find moments of happiness, progress and things worth holding onto despite not completely escaping our illness. 

Here’s to hoping that 2019 will be kinder to both of us than 2018 has been!

british summer is here.

The Mentally Ill Checklist of Why Do I Feel Bad

1. Look at your pill organizer. Did you take last night’s pills? That’s why.

2. Did you get a full night’s sleep last night? No. That’s why. Get some melatonin and Sleepytime Tea and knock yourself out. A 90 minute nap will unfuck you. 

3. Did you eat? That’s why. Carbs even me out the quickest, then I eat something with fiber and protein. Ideally I also eat a fruit or vegetable. 

4. Has your behavior seemed more disordered lately? Time to call your med doctor. You might need a lithium level or a med adjustment.

5. Have you been dealing with more stress or overworking at school or work? That’s why. Work on a list of coping mechanisms during this time. Breathing, self care, cooking meals, full nights sleep, media distractions, venting to a friend, group therapy or support groups, mindful meditation, grounding exercises. Take a ten minute break to sit in the hallway outside your workstation and relax your breathing. Don’t self judge. It’s going to be okay.

6. Do you have a uterus? Has it been 25-35 days? That’s why. 

7. Have you been consuming an unusual amount of caffeine, sugar, drugs, or alcohol? That’s why.

8. Have you noticed psychotic symptoms getting worse? For me, this means obsessing over my zodiac, the radio, spotify playlists, and social media for hidden signs. It’s referential delusions. When things start to feel too “spooky”, I challenge those thoughts by asking how logical they are. 

9. Have you made yourself unhappy by looking at your triggers? That’s why. Self control is an art form.

10. Are you judging yourself for your coping mechanisms? We’re all out here trying to survive. Unhealthy coping mechanisms are coping mechanism that are hurting you. Excessive use of coping mechanisms is what is bad. Spending A LITTLE money or eating A LITTLE junk food or having ONE DRINK is okay. You don’t have to call yourself fat as some sort of self shaming ritual every time you relapse and eat some Doritos. Even if you’re already fat. You gotta say to yourself “Is this that dangerous? Is this becoming a bad habit? Is this a big deal?” If not, do you what you need to do. 

11. Are you ruminating a lot before bed and during your idle time? Ask yourself “Is this thought helping me or ruining my mood?” Allow yourself a little time, but too much world-building or catastrophizing or fetishizing the past is bad. Recognize when you’re doing it.

12. Have you felt unloved or ignored by your friends? Reach out to them yourself. Call in your B list friends if you need to. Yeah we all have those friends, and they might be happy to hear from you. Worst case scenario, call the Suicide Hotline. 

13. Are you spending a lot of time hating on other people or fixating on conflicts in your personal life? Is this actually helping you? Release that anger. Find a way to channel it into something. Angrily walk around the block. Rage clean your house. There is a recycling plant in my town that has a big glass bottle sorting area. Throwing glass as hard as I can into a big pit? Bliss. 

14. Spend your money on something healthy instead of the BS. I love spending money on dumb shit and I will buy the whole mall if the check allows it. But my car needed front wheels. And gas. And I needed to mealprep. My cat needed vitamins. I need Therapy to keep myself healthy. Even putting a chapstick in your car when you constantly need it and forget to get one will elevate your life. Where are you spending that money? What’s going to protect you? 

15. Are you feeling disconnected from the world and other people? Go to the library, turn off your phone, and just look around. Let it be a quiet time. 

(okay to reblog and add your own)

Can psychosis affect how much your eyes are able to focus? Because when I'm particularly struggling it's hard for my eyes to stay focused and they'll blur?

It can! I think. It’s a common experience many people with schizophrenia and/or psychosis seem to experience, but I haven’t heard many actual psychologists or doctors talk about it. I’ve seen it discussed across tumblr a few times, and I personally experience it.