I think I’m truly too damaged to be in any relationships anymore. I just want to cry right now.

It very well might be in my head because why wouldn’t it be? I’ve literally always been cheated on or abused in my relationships so even if I finally found the one exception I’ll probably ruin it because my brain associates boyfriends/relationships with cheating abuse and pain.

My gut has been telling me something is wrong with my relationship today and that I’m losing him, and my intuition HAS always been right.

This might be one exception, but how am I to know to believe that after such a long history? Or without so much reassurance that I push him away/become a chore?

Truly, how would anyone heal after a history like mine?

And is it repeating itself or is the pattern so strong that I’m incorrectly applying it here to an innocent man who loves me and simply fell asleep?

Watching this video about guys who drugged their wives and invited m3n over to as$ault them and I realized it’s maybe a bit more common.

Obviously what triggered my memories, but it’s exactly what AJ did to me when drugged me and next thing I knew I was in a black SUV with a bunch of men, my vision was going so blurry I couldn’t see a single face next to me. I couldn’t believe what had happened the next day when I woke up back at home.

He had quite literally sold me. He had a bunch of money and when I asked what happened he said, “Oh you had a lot of fun” really twisted like and i remember thinking no fucking way this isn’t real this really happened??

I just put two and two together

I know Chris drugged me back when we were dating

And I remember when I woke up confused in the room he was at the foot of the bed waiting for me to wake up with a glass of water while I was still so heavily confused

I grabbed it and drank it then realized what was going on and got up but shortly after the drugs had kicked in and gravity was too heavy to stand and I hit my hip on the desk barely making it back into the bed

But I just remembered he said these toys from dollar tree, when put in water, would cause a drug similar to a roofie that was colorless and odorless

He said it like it was a random fun fact and now I realize that that must’ve been what he used? Kind of want to try it now in myself to find out

But hm

Im depressed because I stopped working on myself

Not seeing progress

Not going to the gym, working a traditional job gave me goals and a feeling of accomplishment

Also moving and everything else has held it up realistically but still

Now I’m in the club and the money hasn’t been there so that’s even worse

And now I’m stressed because I can’t afford to do the things I want like the gym, classes I want to take and courses to work towards career goals

It feels like a lose lose situation

And then of course resurfaced trauma

And in me trying to contain my emotions it just got messy

Si next time I’m going to pour my trauma out on here when hmu have no one to say it to instead of holding it un

I’ll give myself one day to relieve my entire past and trauma like I used to

Then after that no excuses were bossing up

Well take that leftover pain and get mad as hell about it like we used to

Take that sadness turn it to anger and grind grind grind

I’m tired of being broke. I’m tired of working my life away.

I’m tired.

I want to spend time with my family. Work on my own land for my own food.

Everything we eat is poison.

Everything we are being told is a lie.

I feel so defeated and stuck and hopeless. How do you even try to continue in a world that’s built for you to fail…

Money is not a reward for work. It weapon of terror used to hold your basic human needs hostage. To force you to work a job you wouldn't normally work which then enables your boss to treat you as machines and not people.

We must start working towards transitioning our work places to one which are 100% consensual. Where powerful mechanisms of consent drive people to work instead treating of homelessness, starvation and death.

Workers of the world unite we have nothing to lose but our chains

Money is the root of all evil 😌

tumblr is the only place that im honest, how do you tell your instagram followers that you just saw a bird that changed your life? they are soulless on that app, they dont give a fuck

One more rant

I’ve literally had numerous times my safety was compromised and have so much sexual trauma from having no choice but to do be in these environments and my family knows this??? I have told them!! And to hear, “Well you really need to work the club I mean you have no option” but then to negate my efforts or pain or trauma??? Like how can you know what I’m going through and yet still not help me?? Or at least be kind and comforting??

It bothers me when my family looks down on me when they don’t know how hard I have fought.

They don’t know the trauma I’ve endured, the tears I’ve cried, and how many times I held myself crying one night just to go back to work the next day. The amount of times I went back to the drawing board and didn’t allow myself to give up.

I mean I have gone through absolutely horrific shit looking for shelter and trying to provide for myself. They might want to make a joke out of it but to negate my efforts when I’ve gone through what I have? Because I had no choice? My first few years in the club I’d been assaulted quite a few times, and every now and then still it could happen. I saw no other way out so I went home with scalding hot water scrubbed my skin red and shriveled up holding myself then learned to push it down my mind and go to work the next day. I mean that alone, do you know what that does to a person and how desperate someone is go endure that and keep showing up?

Then outside of that, the clubs died out after covid but really bad last year ñ seemingly overnight. I didn’t know how I was going to pay my bills and freaked out, so I spent a week frantically researching and a week after that I got my licenses. I didnt leave my house for 7 days straight and studied from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. Then I went to work for a company that I thought was legit that I thought would turn my life around. I was so proud of my accomplishments. I got my LLC, I was dialing over 300 people a day, I was working 80 hours a week, and when that didn’t work I used my lunch breaks to go into business and give insurance presentations. I bought my projector, put together my PowerPoints, built my website, got my cards and marketing materials, I honestly can’t think of anything I didn’t do. I sold my designer bags and bought leads and ad spaces. But nothing was hitting. There was no ROI and I was crushed. I don’t quit. I find another company and find out they’re another MLM scheme. Crushed. I don’t quit. I get a marketing job that would’ve set me up good! But I had spent everything I had on my last two jobs buying leads that were bad and dumped everything into a failing business. I was behind on my bills and was going to lose everything if I didn’t come up with a few grand fast. So I had to quit a solid career and go back to stripping so I wouldn’t lose my house and car. And then my family threw that in my face even though I told them I needed help and didn’t know what to do and they said they couldn’t help and KNEW the situation but yet when I had to quit like I said I would or else I’d lose my house and car i get dads finger pointed at me instead of compassion and understanding during an already hard time. If anyone is fucking trying it’s me. I’ve been doing everything you can think of. And some things were awful, and for me to have endured what I have endured and have family who has never been in these shoes act like IM the fuckup like I’m just dumb and haven’t tried rightfully pisses me off. I’ve had 0 guidance but have taught myself how to use quickbooks, how to do my taxes, build a website, and all this stuff. I got my licenses myself and I KEEP TRYING. Every woman in this family did nothing for themselves except marry a rich man. And to me that just sounds like lifelong slavery. Exactly what I want to escape. So I’ve been trying to do it myself. No guidance. No one rooting me on except my moms side and my siblings. But dads? They don’t see me. LIKE AT LEAST RECOGNIZE MY EFFORTS. Be fucking kind. Tell me you’ve seen how hard I’ve tried and you’re sorry it didn’t work out??? Like???

And now I’m still in a depression from things, but that’s okay. I’m upset with myself for being negative Nancy so I know I’ll turn it around soon and get to work. I’m still back at the club but I know I have no option but to persevere. Quitting is as always not an option. So I’ll endure these next few months at the club and work myself harder than ever, but this time I think I have a plan that works. I’ll work my ass off and get an RV or travel trailer so I have a place that’s MINE that I can’t lose. It’s mine. I’ll rig it for off grid like I’ve always wanted. That’ll all cut my expenses down significantly. I’ll take the excess money I make and redo my business. Revamp my website and social pages. Figure out my products in going to specialize in. Then when the time is right I will market that on my own.

At night I’ll study for my CPT and revamp my other socials to be more fitness oriented and start building that following. And one day it will all be okay. There is a way out and I’m getting there I just can’t give up yet. Or ever. I know I need time to feel my feelings, but it just isn’t time yet. It’s time to shove that aside for now and boss up. Time to pull myself up by the bootstraps once again and figure it the fuck out.

And I guess I’ll just post on here since I have no one to talk to. It felt good to get it out.

edward hopper / jenny slate

Talking about Dorothy yesterday made me realize a lot today

I want to meet people with more grace and understanding and compassion like I once did a long time ago. I keep categorizing people the way I myself hate being categorized. It’s easier to put things in a box than to understand sometimes, and I don’t know when that shifted, but I liked the version of me that saw people in all their complexities instead of summaries

Granted in Dorothy’s case she did betray me, but I used to be unmoved by things like that. I suppose that one just hurt and at some point I started feeling the pains of betrayals instead of being so in my own peace that I never took it personally and just moved on. At some point things started phasing me I guess.

Outside of my personal pains she had caused at the time, I feel like for her to constantly be projecting so many personas all the time and needing to one up and make stories up all the time she clearly wasn’t happy with who she was and wanted to be someone else that maybe she felt she couldn’t achieve.

And maybe all these wild wild stories were truly just a grand form of escapism from her current reality

Maybe she didn’t know what it was about her reality she wanted to escape from

Maybe it was just too boring and her stories she told were like the way I like to go back to sleep and live in those action packed packed dimensions and prefer that over waking up sometimes

Maybe her life was truly sad in whatever happened in Dorothy’s REAL story and so she creates alternate personas/lives she’s lived in stories kind of like when you have a bad dream and go back to sleep to fix the ending and make it the way you wanted it.

I had always said so couldn’t gate people because even the worst I could understand, so when did that change?

I hate that you’re getting to know me at such a wrong time

It seems since November or December I’ve been bleeding internally and it’s been slowly oozing out

Ive known that I’m wounded but time hasn’t slow down enough for me to find the source and tend to it

So it just keeps trickling out

And I wish there was a way you could know this state of being isn’t everlasting but merely a symptom drawn out that can be cured

I want you to know me for who I am, not the word vomit and confused sadness that keeps hitting me in tangled waves, or spiderwebs I need to unweave.

I do feel like a bit of a mess right now. Not bad because I know myself to know what I look like healed, but enough to know god what a terrible time for a lovely person to try to get to know me 🥲

My emotions have been so heightened and all over the place. Getting this room done so I can work and take time afterwards to self soothe and get to the core of things.

When talking about how men think women are inferior my dad brought up that when he and mom were together she asked him who does she vote for and he gave h r s list of who to pick on the way to the booth. Then when she got there she asked him again in line who she was supposed to vote for

And yeah so he was basically implying women shouldn’t vote or are dumb just because my mom never took an interest in politics 💖

A Strong Breeze

Watercolor On Black Paper

2024, 9"x 12"

Pink Cherry Blossoms

Ruth Awad, "Nocturne with Teeth"