Monday (Tuesday), the 1st (2nd) of April

I write this at almost 4am so how is that for letting go? I have been in a low mood and with many things going wrong in my life at this moment, I have not exactly been itching to write.

In April, I am to write about change. As the weather gets slightly less grey, I suppose the sentiment is that so do I. Admittedly, this is the first month I feel doing this is a "task" and therefore, I am less concerned about the long-term benefit. I reckon that's depression creeping it's way in.. trying to take over my life again. Hence, why I'm up at near 4am. My son is asleep peacefully and I keep anticipating a middle-of-the-night cry, or a nightmare, or something. Which feels dark of me, but also speaks to my desire to be needed. I am listening to music with only one ear covered. All I hear is the hum of the refrigerator, though.

Anyway, change. It's a scary thing for me, although I do enjoy the excitement to a certain extent. Again, I am generally someone who thrives when there is order to things. I need to know every detail to feel comfortable in any given situation, and once things are set in stone I feel uneasy with things falling out of order.

There are many times in which I am forced to change. Becoming a father is one example. Seeing his face was enough to know that there were many things I need to straighten out. I cannot fathom being a "lesser" version of myself while someone like my son exists. The fear of fucking up his life is very strong and I refuse to let it become a reality. He deserves to live in a world that continuously lifts him up even if his mom and dad are not perfect. I want to learn every tool and know every resource to pass on to him. He will cope with any situation better than I ever could. Because it's inevitable, really. Trauma seems to find me and I imagine that my son will come into contact with it, even vicariously. However, where I would normally allow myself to sink lower, I am willing to change now and read when I'm confused, sleep when depressive, run when anxious, etc. Tonight being the exception, of course. There is too much going on.

In conclusion, I am learning about the importance of change. I get comfortable in situations rather easily. Being a single father is a change I will have to get used to. Being less in control is something I will have to get used to. Having less people in my life for whatever reason is something I will have to get used to. That's life, I suppose. I am trying my best to embrace it all.

I also want to quickly say thank you very much for the kindness I have received from friends and family. I am doing this moreso for myself and Axel than for an audience, but the words of encouragement do help and I am appreciative. Some comments are very personal and specific. That is okay and I will say thank you, but take no offence to the lack of wordiness I may respond with or the lack of response altogether.

Cheers

proud of you coleton xx

Hey, thank you :)

Wednesday, the 21st of February

As expected, it is confirmed to be not a good thing for me to be completing the prompts early. It gives into my anxiety and need to be structured and in control. My challenge for the rest of the year is to be "looser," or to learn to simply go with the flow. The idea of that frightens me. So until then.. structure.

In March, I am meant to speak of green emotions also known as: envy. I would like to believe that I escape feelings of jealousy but unfortunately, I find that it takes over me in unconventional ways. Within interpersonal relationships, I am not one to engage in long lines of questioning. My best mate speaks of his head spinning and blood boiling during jealous fits, I am unfamiliar with those feelings. However, in being brutally honest, I am wildly possessive. I wish for what's "mine" to be "mine." When in love, I give my all and expect the same back. I find that I am attracted to those who are wild and free-spirited and although exciting, it is absolutely terrifying when they wish to live a life that doesn't require the need to be physically around me often. I believe my form of jealousy is a fear of missing out, a fear of rejection, and perhaps a fear of not being needed. I also tend to reflect behaviours a partner may be demonstrating towards me. If my phone is being looked through, I am likely to look through phones. If I am being restricted, I am likely to restrict others. I am unsure of why this happens. The mother of my son often labels me as petty, and says I am talented in pettiness. Those labels make me sad and ashamed. However, I find there is lack of choice once my emotions take over. To work on controlling my emotions if and when I am hurt by something or someone, perhaps more time to reflect would help or more direct communication. I probably fear appearing as weak since I am often labelled as sensitive. Sensitivity, in my opinion, is a strength.. but others see it as overwhelming and I try very hard not to overwhelm others. Fear of being a burden is an underlying struggle that I often choose not to face head-on.

My last relationship resulted in infidelity on their part. Infidelity triggers my abandonment issues, my childhood trauma, my anxiety, and much more. I have forgiven infidelity within the relationship in the past, and so badly wish I hadn't. I was overcome not so much by jealousy, but a deep-rooted pain and a desire to inflict that pain back onto her. That may also be a form of jealousy, maybe? If a one-off situation (although it may still be painful) I am likely to sulk or take a break. But the repeated instances.. the accumulation of pain and the frustration of being involved with someone who believes that they can do whatever the fuck they want with absolutely no regard for my feelings or loyalty, is what drives me to make petty, impulsive decisions. I do not think of how my retaliation affects others in the moment, but I always do after the fact. I often put myself down for allowing myself to feel regret, as I'm not sure that those who hurt me regret doing so. In writing this, I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I treat others how they treat me.. I believe in hopes of "showing" them their behaviour.. as if to make them realize that it's harmful. I thought maybe that was the smart and mature thing to do but I am quickly realizing that it isn't. It may be a waste of time and energy and moving forward, I hope to stop that and instead, immediately leave a negative situation. There is no need to prove a point: an "Aha!" moment.

When it comes to material things or physical or personality traits, I believe I never feel jealousy. I think of this as unhealthy, as I believe it's more human to compare yourself than it is to be totally content with what you have or what you look like. I do not necessarily think of myself as intelligent or handsome or anything. However, I was raised by a mother and eventually a step-mother, who would reassure me of those things often. I am lucky in never feeling insecure about my abilities and always believed that I could do what I put my mind to. With the exception of my son, I am concerned about things that cannot be held in your hands or seen in a mirror, such as love, kindness, respect, perseverance. I genuinely rarely think about the rest. I don't believe I have ever wanted something that someone else had or thought I my life would be better if I possessed something I didn't have already. I am extremely grateful for that.

I suppose that's all I have to say, really. Work in progress, to sum it up.

Monday, the 22nd of January

Completing my prompt for February early, as I am unlikely to have the time to complete it at a later date. Is planning this early problematic? Potentially. Anyway. February, the month of love. Some sentences are choppy; I have little to say about some of the sub-prompts. Cheers

February: What is your first memory of being loved and how has that challenged or supported your idea of love today?

As a first memory of being loved, the easiest and most obvious answer is the love I unconditionally received from my late mother. She was strong and selfless and put everything aside to make others feel better. Going through the heartbreaking times that she did, she never once showed a sign of weakness or helplessness. She was my perfect example of love. At first, losing her felt like the love I had received throughout my younger years was for nothing. I remember feeling new emotions of hurt that I did not even know was possible for a human being to feel. After time, I was able to hold on to the love that she gave me and take it not as a thing of loss, but an example of how it is of vital importance to put your entire heart into something or someone, as it or they can be taken away from you in an instant. Everyone who I choose to have in my life gets 110% of me regardless of the fear I have that they may eventually leave.

From my father, I felt love at times and in other times, did not at all. It was given to me then taken away, sometimes in the span of minutes. He taught me that love can be dishonest and manipulative. Apologies were in the form of new toys, or "man-to-man secrets," which I would later know was just his manipulative way of teaching me that if he sneaks a woman into the house, it's okay not to tell my mother. Love from my father was and is something I choose not reflect on often. I do not think highly of him and for many years, did not think of him at all. I always say that I was born knowing what it was like to have a dead parent, as my brain never registered him to be a care-giver, or a friend, or a provider. Although physically present, he was absent-minded. A ghost, really.

As for romantic relationships, the first time I felt love was with my first ever girlfriend, who for privacy will be referred to as "N." She was beautiful, kind, and heavily reassuring. Our relationship took place in a time when we were both naive and focused on the wrong aspects of life (wrong to me, at least). N was my first experience with many things and was with me until a bit before my mom's passing. As time went on, I began to take interest in the more emotional aspects of being a relationship vs. the physical and materialistic. After losing my mom, I needed emotional support and I often felt "too much" for another person to handle in a romantic setting - which at the time, I believed was meant to be all fun and enjoyment. I shy away from temporary romantic situations with women; I shy away from temporary friendships with anyone as well. I do not feel loved in temporary situations.. in fact, I feel afraid, insecure, and frankly (and perhaps harshly) disgusted. I appreciate and require all relationships with people to be long-term and goal-oriented. To become my friend is to be there for each other forever, to date me is to marry me. My ears shut off after anything that mirrors the phrase "go with the flow." I am painfully structured and organized, and to say it plainly, I need to know where things will go in any and every situation. A control freak, maybe. My relationship pattern is to be intense and codependent, but full of love nonetheless. I would say I am successful at acquiring relationships with others and unsuccessful at maintaining them. Those who last long in my life are often those who struggle to let people go, not that they would want to leave.. or perhaps they would? I try not to think about those things often. Not sure what to say.

Parents and romantic relationships aside, nothing will really ever compare to the love I receive currently from my son, Axel. He has so much personality, humour, and intelligence, at his young age. He cries when he is happy, he smiles at strangers, he looks up at me with so much admiration.. I truly want to be the best possible human being for him. I want him to live his life fully free of pain, although I know that is unrealistic. I suppose all that matters is that he knows that I'm there for him. He recognizes that he has a mother and father who love him unconditionally and that is all I could ask for, really.

Overall I reckon I've given love more than I've received it (although my son most definitely makes up for any losses). I am self-admittedly a love addict and hopeless romantic. Love is one of those aspects of life I continuously seek and once found, latch onto. I struggle to know if this is a negative or positive thing. For now, it can be a positive.

So after all that, I don't know that I answered the question. Fingers crossed that this is good enough for my therapist to dissect come Thursday morning.

Sunday, the 7th of January: 2024 Objective

As recommended by my therapist, I aim to keep track of my progress in answering reflective questions given to me. I aim to answer them all to the best of my ability for the year 2024 (and perhaps beyond).

Current Feelings:

Fucking vulnerable. This may or may not be a good idea just as it may or may not be necessary. I am a highly emotional man but struggle to open up. I am anxious about using an online platform as opposed to writing or recording.. especially, an online platform previously lightly associated with some of my traumatic experiences. However, in doing so, I aim to "kill" what haunts me.

Intent:

My intention is to improve my communication in order to life positively and above all, to be a better man for my son.

For friends and family who are invited to follow this journey of mine (or at least, for now):

Abandoning previous online practices, I do not wish to engage in overly personal conversations about my personal life.. although words of encouragement will always be appreciated.

Cheers