it's weird to say, but i almost feel like... a part of myself is going to come back, soon. suny buffalo made me feel blank. depleted. like there was nothing for my head to do but cycle the same few tired memories, without any venue to find closure in. i dreamt of the city every time i slept. i dreamt of mysterious drippage from subway ceilings and the sickly sugared taste of a blanco's passionfruit tea and the way [best friend]'s laptop would wheeze as it ran our minecraft server long into the night. the flapping of pigeon wings. the choked call of a songbird. the chiming of keys.

buffalo is a bloodless town and its school follows suit. no bond. no connection. i didn't see the inside of anyone else's dorm but my own all semester long.

oscines is just another college. i know that. but brooklyn isn't buffalo. brooklyn is a living organism, circulatory system of streets constantly flowed through by the friends and enemies that call it home. in brooklyn, there are countless others like me. i am not alone there.

i cannot be alone.

transferring.

transferring.

almost half a year since [coworker] died.

i just feel so empty.

oh god.

oh god

i guess i want to go to pace. maybe. i don't know. i don't even think i really want to go. can't live off minimum wage and gossip blog moderator experience, i guess

jeez. i was so busy with the project that i've barely thought about college

jeez. i was so busy with the project that i've barely thought about college

i guess she can be kind of judgmental. i'm gonna need to talk to her about that when we're close again.

[best friend] sent in something mean about [school friend]. i don't like that feeling.

[best friend] sent in something mean about [school friend]. i don't like that feeling.

gingerbread houses. minecraft servers. all those sleepovers, staying up late and giggling until mom banged on our door and told us to be quiet. celebrating hanukkah at her house with [old friend]. the camera she bought me for my birthday one year, when i had it in my head that i wanted to be a photographer. doodling in class. writing stories.

there has to be something i'm doing wrong, right? some last piece of the puzzle? i can't see what i'm missing. i have poured blood and sweat and tears into roughing up my edges. but she won't talk to me. [edgy friend] and [school friend] won't talk to me. everyone else won't talk to me. the only person i've had any sort of meaningful conversation with recently is [coworker], and they're [COWORKER].

why doesn't she like [me]?

why doesn't she like [me]?

i'm just as guilty, now, aren't i?

that confession about [coworker]...

that confession about [coworker]...

checking in on [old friend] just to make you feel better about yourself? real classy, [me].

not nice by any means. i'm not going to kid myself and say they're my friend. it's just... weird, though.

today, somebody sent in an ask making fun of the girl who always wears t-shirts from cartoons. i tried to post it, because it's not like i can't take it, and they stopped me. told me that i shouldn't "debase myself" just for the sake of cheap gossip. they even asked if i wanted them to find who sent it, but i said no. even if i did find out who sent it, i don't think i'd have the guts to stand up to them. some things, i just don't want to know.

today, [coworker] also continued on their tirade against [rich girl]. something to do with [new girl]? i don't know. i don't really know what's going on there. i asked them kind of indirectly about it when we were going through asks, and they said something about needing to protect [emo kid]. i guess it makes it better knowing that it's for somebody else?

[coworker] is... an interesting person.