one time i racked up a $412 data bill looking at boobs on my Motorola Razr and my dad beat me like a dog

Well deserved. The screen doesn't do them justice.

[SMS[ what are your plans for 4 July?

[SMS] probably gonna explode some things

me whenever i say i speak un petit peu francais and they start to speak beaucoup francais

I speak Creole to piss off my father.

I work part time at a daycare and my husband breeds salamanders. Our budget..... 1.3Million. Welcome to House Hunters International

I have a six figure income and can barely afford the property taxes in DC.

Sir! WERE YOU AT THE BOSTON TEA PARTY

Were you?!

I can neither confirm nor deny my involvement.

Sometimes I go to my local butcher and ask him if he has strange, but manageable bits. Like a cow's knee. He gets so miffed but what can he do? I buy what I ask for. His futile answer fuels me

One time I went to the butcher and asked for the biggest thing I could buy with the money I had. Man gave me a spine.

I want to share my typhus with you

Please do not do that!

[coughs up coal]

What is your standard?!

Dear sir, imagine, if you will, sleeping on a pile of straw in the barn

I don't have to imagine. I've done it. Several times.

Sleeping in a barn isn't that uncomfy. Trying romping in the hay. That gets pokey. Very glad I was only a teenager once.

You look like the sort of guy who steps on Lego and pretends to be a tough guy

I put Legos in my shoes just to feel something

You're in her DMs, I'm in her living room, licking her Himalayan salt lamp. We are not the same

Chicken Wing, stop! It's not good for you!

Everyone got that one friend who's whimsical demeanor got replaced with a profound sadness after The Incident

Back in my day we called it Shell Shock and everyone came back different. We've gotten a lot better at treating people for stress and trauma-related disorders.

I repurpose vintage cowbells into cigarette cases. My wife makes plant-based condoms. Her most popular flavors are balsamic vinegar and whipped ricotta. My husband is a receptionist at a Marx based gym called "don't work, workout." His boyfriend interviews the world's smallest dogs. Our budget is 500 million. Welcome to house Hunters

Wait wait hold on.

[he has to count on his fingers]

You have four people living in this house? How many bedrooms is that?

Is your brother a himbo

I think "himbo" implies some qualities he doesn't have.

[he waits for a second to see if any coins or coal will fall out]

Ha! The universe is confused now!

my cattourney in courte: Your honor, and ladies, theydies, and gentlemen of the jury, my client could NEVER have committed this brazen hams theft of which they have been unfairly and unjustly accused. And I can prove their innocence beyond a shadow of a doubt with Exhibit A: ... my client's stunning, breathtakingly soft and beautiful feet.

the jury: [gaspinge in shock and admiratione]

the judge: Order, order! Federal prosecutors, I am appalled that you would even attempt this obvious miscarriage of justice by bringing charges against such a virtuous citizen, a paragon of irreproachable grace. This cat is INNOCENT! [gavel thonke]

HIMA'S TWITTER POST (2)

Districts 423 and 41 in this world of gangs. (Himaruya)

T/N:

I don't trust the quality of Tumblr, if for some reason, the small text can't be read well:

District 423 Liechtenstein It's a small but financially strong and mysterious district next to District 41. Information about this district is extremely limited because few people have been there and District 41 is scary. The representative, Prinz, seems to be shrouded in mystery, she has never been seen associating with anyone other than the representative of District 41. There's some affiliation with the representative from District 43… District 41 Switzerland It's a solitary district that, despite being surrounded by powerful districts in Area Europe, prefers to keep its distance from the rest. The representative, Igel, becomes a very reliable partner as long as you trade properly with them. However, if any misconduct occurs, he will cut off your source of funds, eliminate your escape route, and come back to retaliate firmly.

"Prinz", in german, a male member of a royal family, "Prince".

"District 43", Austria. The affiliation (?).

"Igel", in german too, "hedgehog".

Is there a problem/error? Please say so! And thank you for your support!

[the cat-like urge to knock it out of his hand is strong]

No thanks.

@apres-moi-ledeluge replied to your post “when I was your age we couldn't use basil in...”:

That and the bloodletting

​It was the only thing they could do to keep all the blood away from your dick