23 Sept

Trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't want to do anything with my life and that's ok. I just want a place to call home and take refuge from the outside alone in my little cave.

Sylvia Plath, The Letters of Sylvia Plath Volume I: 1940–1956

2 Sept

Weatherman slander has to be my biggest pet peeve. The obsession with pinpoint accuracy having to know what the weather is every second of the day is mind-numbing. Like shut up shut up I don't care if you think they're wrong I don't care go get a degree in the weather if it means so much to you.

Daily appetite suppressant as if I need it...

How old is too old for it to be absolutely pathetic to obsess over eating :/

25 Aug

Something that my mother said to me has been replying in my head for a while. It's as if she intentionally says things to be cruel and mean. My friend had a hard time letting her son spend the night with her mother for various reasons but she finally let him. I asked my mother when was the first time we spent the night over at someone's house like our grandma or something. And she did a laugh/huff and said nobody wanted y'all. The first person to ask was my great-grandmother she said it wasn't even my grandmother nobody asked. And she said it in such a way that really hurt as if we truly weren't wanted and my mom hated it because it seemed like she was desperate to get rid of us. 

16 Aug 23

Cleaning up my computer and phone. Trying to cut back on screen time and limit it to my laptop only. Trying to get back into my hobbies. I wish I had a backyard to start a garden. I'd love to start. My mom doesn't understand why I don't want to work on hers. She just wants wants wants without any give and her give that she thinks is something isn't worth much in the end. I want to disconnect from the world. Disconnect from everybody and everything. Live in my own world, my little head, and be happy.

Viy (1967) dir. Georgiy Kropachyov, Kostiantyn Yershov

John William Waterhouse. 1896. Hylas and the Nymphs details.

Every day Im reminded that I'm not genuinely living... but I don't know what that looks like. All I know is it isn't enough. I'm not doing enough. Will I ever be enough? I'm tired of trying to have a purpose; I don't want one. I just want to exist; why can't I let myself just exist. hung up on what could be what could've been what everyone wants me to be but I don't want any of it. I want to read my lil books and just live in my own head. Is that ok or is that not living. Maybe I don't want to be alive but you can't say that. You're supposed to want to live. but I don't think I do.

13 Aug

Genuinely wish people around me were nicer to me. Do I not deserve it? Am I not nice enough to deserve kindness? It's hard to be kind to people who are mean to me.

I'm never going to get over my mother, not loving me the way I feel like I deserved to be loved. She probably feels the same way.

8 Aug

I hate my parents so much. I hate the shit they do and how they make me feel. I hate them. And I don't care if that makes me a shit daughter or person. I can't stand it.

6 Aug

One day I'll have to talk to a therapist about this ep and deconstruct how everytime I watch the dance sequence I son, also to then get hit with the next eps of them tricking women into staying in their apts to try and have sex with them.

5 Aug

I hate spotify for doing this to me, I hate being a millennial it conjures something ugly. It's just an ugly word, but I am nostalgic for the early 2000s. It's funny that people are shocked that kids romanticize the 2012s-2018s wanting to be teens/adults because it's exactly how i felt about the early 2000s. Nothing changes... everything is cyclical :p

Photos of today

29 July

0800 and my mothers already made me cry. We were talking about beads and she randomly brought up how good my legs look and asked if Im proud of all the weight I lost - proud of starving myself, sure mom - and then she said I was really looking hot and I asked was I not before and she said well you were overweight.. oh.. the truth hurts doesn't it she told me. I said that wasn't the question.

Like damn I'll just skip breakfast then and cry.

I'm so desperate to be loved by those who don't believe in unconditionally love or love at all, but I want that, up to a point. I want to be loved. Unconditionally loved. It's something I've struggled with since a kid.

25 July

Watched Barbie, desperately wanted to talk about it with my mother, but she had no interest, and when I tried, she completely misunderstood me or didn't try to. Is it too much to ask for, to just discuss a movie we just watched together, christ? I feel like im going insane. Like i only have myself to talk to. Found out my friend already watched it, but also didn't want to talk about it like what are we doing. God sad and lonely Barbie, and will watch the tv series Pride and Prejudice for the umpteenth time to feel better.

It'd be so much easier if I was dead.

Illustration from Arthur Quiller-Couch’s In Powder and Crinoline by Kay Nielsen (1913)