HERBERT: But I don’t want any of that

Oh God, I realized something as I scroll through my page. Not only in real life, I choose to be miserable on the internet as well

Salman Toor, Three Friends in a Cab, 16 x 20 inches, 2021

someone said we had more fun in childhood because we didnt have any past memories to linger on and it has stuck with me ever since

My weakness is my strength

Why do I spend too much time worrying about others and taking care of them when all that they can do is the opposite?

If anything people need to know about me is: I love reading and writing. I've tried to write a short story and attempted to write a novel but I never really finished it, which is a shame. It's just, I wasn't sure about it. I thought I'm a good writer but I'm just average. I wish to write more, be it a novel, journal, or even letters. Talking about letters, I think there's a certain sentimental feeling when you're writing a letter. It's raw and sincere. So, why can't I write a letter to my own self? Here's a letter to my 17 year-old.

Congratulations, you just turned 17. What do you have when you're 17 besides an ID card with your bed face framed on it? Nothing, I guess. But let me tell you, you have the confidence that helps you to get through your day. I hope you won't ever lose it, no matter what happens. No matter what people say about you. You should focus on yourself, never let anything bring you down.

You must've thought that you would have the whole world in the palm of your hands. Fingers crossed that it'll happen someday. I can't see it yet but there's always hope. You have a few friends who care about you. Cherish what you have with them because you'll never know what happens tomorrow. You may distance yourself from others, too tried to open up again, but that's okay. At least you got today to make memories with your friends. Something that you won't regret and always remember for years later.

My life isn't going well recently. I don't remember when it went down but you shouldn't worry about that. It's my job to rearrange my life. You still have a long way to go. You're still young, I suggest you live up your life. Don't just study and lock yourself in your room, go out like any other normal teenagers before your father made a joke out of your tendency to be alone.

Here's advice from the older you, you should stop being a people pleaser. You shouldn't live up to people's expectations. You're doing good so far and I know you'll be okay even if you only have yourself, because you're a strong, resilient woman. There will be a moment when you break down, but you'll get up eventually. I'm so proud of you. When you feel like you can't take it anymore, it's okay to cry, either in silence or out loud. Either in bathroom or bedroom. You might want to put on a sad playlist.

Listen, life isn't always about rainbows, candies, and unicorns. Sometimes, it can be poopies, bald people, and trash can but what can we do about it? We just need to move on with it.

Last but not least, I hope you'll be kind as always but not too kind, or else people will take advantage of you. You need to admit your mistake and apologize for what you have done. Be more forgiving, don't hold any grudges. Later, you'll be addicted to bubble tea, you need to stop your addiction, really. Treat yourself sometimes because no one will do it for you. Get up early, take a look in the mirror, and appreciate yourself. Sometimes it's okay to tell yourself that you're looking so fucking fine. You have everything you need, be grateful for that. This is the part where I say goodbye. You got this, little rockstar.

There's anger at those who treated you poorly when you didn't know how to ask for better treatment. The anger at yourself for what you've allowed.

k.b. // @/jen_strongwomen - tiktok

-Rumi

It's almost 4 in the morning, I haven't slept, and I'm writing this thinking about someone that I want to desperately forget but I can't. Yes, it's you. I guess it's safe to write this since no one is going to read except me. Moreover, I'm out of your radar like I'm completely vanished from this world just like you did years ago when you left me without any explanation.

After all these years, I still demand closure. How many years is it? Eight years? And how many days did it take for you to forget me? Forget everything we ever had even if it was just for a second? I thought I managed to forget you completely and let go of everything but I lied to myself and to everyone else. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this for you.

The mixed feelings I have towards you keep haunting me for years. Do I hate you? Do I still love you? Neither of the answers is right, yet I can't explain it with words. I'm sorry that I made you sound like a bad person because I told my friends of how cruel you treated me. I talked behind you with the assumption you did the same to me. That was the first time I fell hard, in love and out of love. Oh how you crashed everything in just one night without saying a single thing. I didn't know what I did wrong to you, but judging by your reaction, I must've done something terrible. Was it because I found another women's picture in your wallet? Was it because I made you uncomfortable to make remarks about how suspicious the situation was? Was it because I stayed silent on our way back? In that case, I apologize. Something that I said must've hurt your feelings and maybe also your pride. And in just one night, you acted like we never happened. Like I never existed.

Have you ever thought about me ever since that incident? I wanted to know the truth, so I dig deeper about you. The more I try to reveal the truth, the more I get hurt. Did you remember the crazy texts I've sent to you that night? Begging you to say something to clarify what really happened between us? Did you remember how I got far just to make you say something? Did you avoid me even more because of that? I didn't realize back then what I was doing. Present me would laugh about it because I tried so hard to get your attention back not knowing the absence of your presence is a sign that you didn't wish to have anything related to me anymore. I should've known that and respect your boundaries but then again, why? I only need an explanation, that's it. I guess that was the reason why I was so mad, I acted like I went mental.

However no matter how hard you hide it, the truth will prevail itself by one way or another. I received a little information about what really happened to you that time. Some said you had a girlfriend already and you used me as your little side chick. Was it because I look way too naive in your eyes? Some said you used me as a bet, you told your friends about how proud you are to get my attention. Some said, you were suffering to the point that you have to move and happened to get your parents picked you up. I feel sorry for you. This, I don't lie. My heart ached when I found out that you were struggling because that wasn't how I know you. In my eyes, you're strong and confident. Like you will have no trouble when something gets in your way but I was wrong after all. I didn't know you very well and I was ashamed of myself. I should've been that harsh to you, I should've not pushed you to give me closure, I should've not made everything even worse for you. Even after everything, I still care about you. Is it irony or pure sympathy?

I did everything to forget you, with the help of my friends and my family. It was so unfortunate that you never know how much my family liked you, especially my late mother. They didn't say anything bad to you when they found out about it. Instead, they told me that it's normal for a relationship to just break like that. They hope I would outgrow the feeling I had for you and learn from this. About my friends, well, they kinda had bad feelings about you since the beginning but as everyone said: love is blind. I closed my eyes and listened to no one, I chose you instead. Anyway, they helped me to get up from "the grave" and cheer me up. The Instagram thing, it was their idea. I've never been a social media person. I hate Instagram, to be honest. I had once and it didn't turn out well for me because something made me uncomfortable sharing my daily life so I had to close the account and yet I made a new one because they thought I would need it. In order to forget the old one, you must get a new one, that was the plan. It wasn't right. I can't just use people like that for my own benefit. The intention wasn't pure, thus no connection would ever be made. Even after I talked to those guys, no one could even come close to you.

Years later, I got a notification that made my heart jump. You contacted me all of a sudden, I thought it would be awkward but it went well. We shared a couple of voice notes, how nice it was to hear your voice again. We even joke to each other, make fun of ourselves back then. We apologized and forgave each other. Was it done for us? No. Then, you said you wanted to visit my town since you missed it and you asked for my number. I contemplated for a moment. In the end, I pushed you and that's it. We never heard about each other again up to this day. At that time, I was afraid to fall for you again. How dangerous it was to talk to you, so I choose to close the door first this time.

Days went by with me resisting the urge to check on your social media, be it Instagram or Twitter. I wonder what you do. Then, I found a tweet between you and your friend. Let's call him A. I didn't know what the fuck just happened because how could A be interested in me when he fucking knew that we dated before (even though I'm not sure what kind of situation we were in). Something wasn't right. You said to him, to take care of me. I found it bittersweet. My delusional ass thought you still care about me but I didn't like it at all, I felt like I was being thrown away to your friend. Like saying: I'm done with her, you can have her. I thought I was fine after all these years yet I lied to myself again. I now realized there's still a tiny part of me that loves you, still. I wish I hated you, but I can't.

I know nothing about first love, or love in general. But I know that I was my happiest when you were around me. I love the way you approached me first when others only made me uncomfortable. I love how you react to my jokes that only I found it funny. I love how you responds to every shit I said no matter how ridiculous it is. I love to hear your voice when you're sleepy. I love how kind you are to me. I love how we share the same frequency. I love how we hate the same person. I love when you seek comfort in between my fingers. I love how your hands fit mine. I love the way your eyes disappear when you smile. I love the day would just get brighter just by hearing you laugh. I love how you love to eat as much as I do. I found love in every part of you and how I wish it would go different for both of us. If only I didn't say such a stupid thing that day, would we still be together?

It was the first I ever felt so loved and admired. You were the first guy I ever introduced to my family when you never did the same thing to me. You were the first guy I baked brownies for. You were the first guy I ever related to. You were the first guy I ever date. And I'm thankful for your existence. I'm thankful for those moments where you made my life more meaningful. I'm thankful we met each other. Who knows we got the chance to get close just because I forgot to bring a marker on the first day we met?

Meeting you was something that I won't regret. Thanks to you, I learned a lot. I've lost someone but I found myself again. I won't let anyone bring me down again. I won't let myself fall hard for someone, ever again. I don't know where you are now. Whether you're still alive or not. Whether you're married or not. I hope you're doing fine and find happiness in every little thing. I hope nothing and no one will ever harm you. You're loved so much more than you know, may troubles be far from your mind. I hope you're becoming someone you once wished for. I hope you know that I'll always be cheering for you.

Finally, it feels like all the pain and burdens in my chest are being lifted. May we meet again in another life and time. I don't know what we'll become, maybe I could be born again as a human and you'll be the stone I would kick. Maybe in another life, we won't hurt each other. Maybe in another life, we'd bicker about something trivial. No matter what we'd become, I'd like to meet you again. Thank you for not turning my stomach into butterflies but bringing comfort instead when you walked in my life, Brian.

- Chris Mc Geown

I hate the “we should have child free cafes but not dog free cafes” and the “kids shouldn’t be out in public” shit that’s getting popular again cause whenever you ask them why they hate kids they say their loud annoying etc.

Just because another person is inconvenient for you doesn’t mean they don’t get to exist in public.