The Clone High Tatler

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Issue #8

STUDENT FOUND AFTER DISCOVERING UNTHINKABLE REALM WITH ENORMOUS FELINES AND THREE DIMENSIONS By Tatler Wire Reports

I HEAR IF YOU PLAY DARK SIDE OF THE MOON DURING ANYTHING, IT TOTALLY MATCHES UP by Jimi Hendrix, The Tatler Music Reviewer

STUDENT PROFILE: CAESAR by Cleo, Campus Life Editor (Non-available) Hi, y’all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (! <-- one more!!!) Cleo here, back with a new Profilio de Studento. This week, we’re taking a close up look at one of those guys who seems to be popping up everywhere lately, but who many of you, like me, know nothing about!!! I call him... Julius Caesar. (more)

POETRY CORNER By Abraham Lincoln, Poetry Corner Editor (Non-available)

I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT: I TOLD YOU SO. WELL, ACTUALLY, I DON’T HATE TO SAY IT by Joan of Arc (Non-available) You guys, I hate to say it, but: I told you so. I told you guys smoking raisins would only lead you guys down a path of irresponsible frolicking, reckless carousal, and negligent lollygaging. But, no, you guys didn’t listen. You guys had to make your own guys’s mistakes and find out for yourselves what jackasses you guys are. (more)

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: PARENTS SPEAK OUT (Non-available)

I HEAR IF YOU PLAY DARK SIDE OF THE MOON DURING ANYTHING, IT TOTALLY MATCHES UP by Jimi Hendrix, The Tatler Music Reviewer

Dude, check this out. You know how you can play Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz, and it totally matches up? Like, if you start it on the third lion roar during the MGM logo, there are like three or four moments where the music kind of syncs up with the visuals, if you think really hard about it and pay really close attention. Well, that got me to thinking: I wonder what else Dark Side of the Moon matches up with. So I tried playing it while watching an episode of Matlock from my eBay collection (episode 153, season 8, “Matlock’s Bad Bad Dream,” guest starring Richard Tarbell as the judge), and guess what? It absolutely worked! Like, the courtroom scene begins right where the song “Money” starts (get it? Money = Law). And there was even this one scene where a dude was playing a saxophone, and it came almost exactly right where Dave Gilmour plays that wicked guitar solo on “Time.” That’s undeniable, man. Okay, okay. I know what you must be thinking. Yes, it is possible for Pink Floyd to design an album to sync up with The Wizard of Oz, and yes, they are geniuses, but how could even geniuses make a record that matches up with an episode (or possibly all episodes! -- this has yet to be confirmed) of Matlock? Well, consider this: perhaps the Matlock producers were fans of Pink Floyd, and they taped the episode to match up with Dark Side. Aha! Anyway. At this point, I was like, whoa, if Dark Side syncs up with The Wizard of Oz and Matlock, what else could it sync up with? So I tried playing it while microwaving a Totino’s frozen pizza (cheese), and guess what? It matched up perfectly, dinging right at the end of “Speak to Me/Breathe”! Of course, I was shocked. So I looked at the back of the CD case, and sure enough, the song is listed at exactly 4:00 minutes, the very same amount of time the Tontino’s people recommend you nuke your frozen cheese pizza for! (Conventional oven time is 8-10 minutes.) The eternal omnipresence of Dark Side of the Moon can not be denied. In case you were wondering: the pizza was delicious and perfectly heated. Of course. Well, by now, as you can imagine, I was awestruck my the mighty power of Dark Side, and I went into my bedroom over the garage where I could play it at full volume without being bothered, while testing its sync against various other movies, video games, books and magazines. And I’m sure you won’t be surprised to learn that it matched up in some amazing way with everything I tried, but especially noteworthy were the first four rounds of “Duck Hunt” (in which the dog that picks up the dead ducks laughed right when that guy laughs at the end of “On the Run”); the March 2001 issue of High Times (which I finished just as the very last heartbeats fade down on the CD); and game six of the 1986 World Series (where right when Bill Buckner lets the winning grounder go through his legs, the line “the lunatic is on the grass” is sung in the song “Us and Them.”) Even when my foster mom banged on my door for me to turn it down, her banging was totally in rhythm with the drum beat in “Eclipse.” There is no doubt about it: Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon syncs up with everything.

STUDENT FOUND AFTER DISCOVERING UNTHINKABLE REALM WITH ENORMOUS FELINES AND THREE DIMENSIONS By Tatler wire reports

Surreal Landscape - A Clone High student was discovered Tuesday in the east parking lot after rescuing the Princess Gremulon from the Castle Fusilor using the amulet of Bathazul recovered from the treasures of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen deep inside a giant, live-action, 3-D cat, whom he defeated by stabbing with a sarcastic Italian talking pencil. Gandhi, a junior and treasurer of the Solid Gandhi Dancers, was “just hanging out in a van” with a dozen of his best friends late last Friday when he was suddenly whisked away by a Humkeycorn named Geldhemoor. The Humkeycorn, a half-donkey, half-hummingbird, half-unicorn creature, flew with the student on her back through paisley skies. Gandhi explained that his eyes are still adjusting from the inexplicable third-dimension. “The colors were so muted and everything seemed to be coming at me in a way I can’t explain,” he said. “It was sort of like ‘Captain EO.’” After rescuing the princess, who descends from the great Rivinojaneelankavil, Gandhi was offered three free lays from the beautiful Gremulon, a Santa Monica resident of seven years, but turned them down due to fear of commitment. The princess could not be reached for comment.

Issue #7

AIRLINE ETIQUETTE by Abe Lincoln, Tatler Air Safety Expert

STUDENT PROFILE: ASHLEY ANGEL FROM O-TOWN! OKAY, HE’S NOT A STUDENT, BUT OMG, HE’S SO DREAMY!!! By Cleopatra, Campus Life Editor

WHAT I’M DOING ABOUT THE SKUNK INFESTATION by Principal Cinnamon J. Scudworth, Special to The Tatler

WHY I CONTINUE TO SABOTAGE MY CHANCES WITH THE MAN I LOVE BY HELPING HIM GET TOGETHER WITH CLEO EVERY FREAKING WEEK by Anonymous

HOROSCOPES By Nostradamus

HOROSCOPES By Nostradamus

Aries: Mar. 20-Apr. 19: An important event may or may not happen within the next couple of weeks. Best not to ignore it, unless you think otherwise.

Taurus: Apr. 20-May 20: Blue looks good on you. Wear more blue, and you will be rewarded in kind.

Gemini: May 21-Jun. 20: You are doomed to repeat history. Mostly because you are a clone of a historical figure.

Cancer: Jun. 21-Jul. 22: You will encounter a beautiful, blond stranger in the park who sweeps you off your feet. Your leg will be in a cast for three weeks. Your heart will never heal.

Leo: Jul. 23-Aug. 22: The answer you seek is “no.” More specifically, it’s “no thank you, Kenny.”

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sep. 22: See 54 Across.

Libra: Sep. 23-Oct. 22: Consult the stars for guidance. I’m looking at you, Galileo. You too, Peanie.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21: This Thursday, you will step out of your New York City apartment, wave goodbye to your wife Yoko, then be shot in the face by a fanatic.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21: Remember what I told you last month? Pretty cool how that worked out.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 20: You will soon partake of the best egg salad sammy of your life. Enjoy it while it lasts. For you will shortly die.

Aquarius: Jan. 21-Feb. 18: You will lie in a bed tonight wondering if your horoscope will come true. And then it will have, just by the act of you wondering. This fact will mess with your head for quite some time. Ha ha!

Pisces: Feb. 19-Mar. 19: Avoid dairy.

WHY I CONTINUE TO SABOTAGE MY CHANCES WITH THE MAN I LOVE BY HELPING HIM GET TOGETHER WITH CLEO EVERY FREAKING WEEK by Anonymous

A lot of you guys have been asking me, why do I continue to sabotage my chances with the man I love by helping him get together with the woman he loves every freaking week? For example, when C. called the Teen Crisis Hotline, I told her to choose A. over JF. Also, just recently, I road-tripped hundreds of miles with the man I love to help him to reunite with C. Why do I do this? Well, as with all personal issues, I thought the only appropriate way to address this question is through the school newspaper. First of all, I figure that by helping him in these sort of situations, we will grow even closer as friends. And the closer we get as good friends, the easier it will be to transition into a romantic relationship. That’s how it works, you guys. Also, by being there for the man I love to talk about his relationship with C., acting as “just one of the guys,” he’ll begin to see me as less threatening than other girls -- almost like a sister or cousin. Then one day he will be complaining to me about how poorly C. treats him all the time, and he will realize I am everything that she is not. And we’ll make out, probably. What I’m trying to say is, the more it seems to him like I will always be there, pining for him, the more he feels like he can take my affection for granted, the more likely he is to realize how much I mean to him. I may not know a lot about boys, but I do know this: the more pity they feel for you, the more attractive you are to them. So, in conclusion, you guys, especially Gandhi, need to shut it. I know what I’m doing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help the man I love wash Cleo’s LandRover. Just wait until he sees me in my one-piece swimsuit.

WHAT I’M DOING ABOUT THE SKUNK INFESTATION by Principal Cinnamon J. Scudworth, Special to The Tatler

Dearest students. Recently, you may have noticed the pizzicato sounds of a pesky skunk echoing through the hallways, or the unmistakable bouquet of skunk spray wafting through the ventilation system. Perhaps you thought to yourself, “why, I wish someone would do something about this skunk infestation.” Well, worry no more, young charges, for someone is doing something. That someone is me. That something is the following: First, under the misguided impression that this was an ordinary skunk, I attempted to exterminate him via the traditional approach: mallet. If you were there to witness this, ho boy, you would be shocked at our rodent visitor’s speed and agility. Alas, I was unable to bonk the animal on its head. Worry not, though -- my big toe responded quite well to the ice pack. Also, in all the hub-bub, my mallet was somehow replaced by a stick of dynamite. From this I am recovering more slowly. Next, I tried a seemingly invincible trick: zippers. I dressed myself up as a beautiful lady skunk to attract Skunky-Poo’s attention (for that is what I have come to call him). When he approached, I unzipped the costume to reveal myself holding a skunk-catching net. What I didn’t expect, however, was Skunky-Poo to unzip himself to reveal a giant stick of dynamite, which blew up in my face. After that, I reevaluated my methods and decided to attempt a more tried-and-true means of skunk extermination: the unstoppable triad of dynamite, cannons, and boulders. However, for some reason when I pointed the cannon at Skunky-Poo, it failed to ignite. Remarkably, when I stuck my head inside to see why, a boulder fell from above, crushing me. Then the boulder split in two, revealing a stick of dynamite, which exploded in my face. I won’t even mention the shenanigans leading up to the time Skunky-Poo made me bite the curb as he kicked my face into the cement. But I must tell you: That really smarts. I assure, you, students, that this skunk infestation is nearing its inevitable end. In fact, I believe Skunky-Poo is warming up to me. Just a few minutes ago, as a way of saying sorry for all the trouble he’s caused, he presented me with a a box of cigars. They look delicious -- so thick and red, with nice wicks ready to be lit. And I do believe the cigar brand, Acmé, is Cuban.

STUDENT PROFILE: ASHLEY ANGEL FROM O-TOWN! OKAY, HE’S NOT A STUDENT, BUT OMG, HE’S SO DREAMY!!! By Cleopatra, Campus Life Editor

This week, we’ll be chatting with a super sexy, super hunky, superstar æ Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town! That’s right! The guy from that hit TV show where they pluck singers from obscurity and make them stars based on your votes!!! No, not “American Idol,” silly! It was called “Making The Band.” The first season. Anywayz! What are we waiting for??? I don’t know!! :-P Let’s get on with the interview! The Tatler: Hi, APAfO-T! Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: Hey. [He does a really cool karate chop move.] The Tatler: Wow! That was hot!!! Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: I know. I’m a celebrity. The Tatler: So, my first question is, what made you want to have your own beach-party-dance-show-slash-academic-institute? Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: Well, it all started when I was chosen from hundreds of thousands of participants to become a huge, famous celebrity. The Tatler: Oh my God, the exact same thing happened when you chose me to be on your Spring Break Dance Academy! Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: Exactly. We are so similar, Chloe. The Tatler: Cleo. Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: Cleo. We have so many of the same interests. The Tatler: Do you really think so? Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: I know so. We’re both unbelievably attractive, and really, really toned. And we both like style. The Tatler: Oh my God, you’re right!!! Do you think we’re soul mates??? Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: Yes. I do. The Tatler: But I have a boyfriend. I can’t remember his name right now, but he’s tall and pure of heart and gangly and kind of nerdy and boring and oh my God, what am I doing with him instead of you?!?? Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: I don’t know. Do you want to make out? The Tatler: Yeeeeeessssss!!!!!!!!!! ! Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: Cool. I told you we were soul mates. The Tatler: But wait. I need to finish my interview. I can’t just take my job lightly -- I’m a high school journalist. Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: Cool. I’ll wait for you, Cheryl. The Tatler: So. What are you doing now that season two of “Making the Band” is over? Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: That happened a few years ago. There's a new one now, though. Except we aren’t in it. But I’m trying to get a producer credit. The Tatler: Wow. Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town: [He does a really cool move where he swivels his head around his neck to stretch his neck muscles, which are really hot.] The Tatler: Holy crap, Ashley, I’m going to make out with you so hard right now!!!! At this point I jump onto his lap and move in to kiss him, but at the last minute, I realize it would be unfair to what’s-his-face, so I pull back. Instead, we sit and talk for six hours about really deep stuff. I think Ashley really enjoyed this, because he kept looking up from his Entertainment Weekly and nodding. He’s so sexy when he nods.

AIRLINE ETIQUETTE by Abe Lincoln, Tatler Air Safety Expert

Perhaps we’re all guilty of romanticizing climactic airport scenes. A desperate lover sprinting through the terminal, hurdling baggage, side-stepping handicapped people-movers, avoiding the temptation of a ten dollar cookie, and all to prevent that special someone from getting on that plane, sitting in their assigned seat for at least an hour, then taking-off... forever. Unfortunately, such demonstrations of the heart are all but history thanks to increased airport security. But you know what the FAA can’t stop? Rocky, immature and unstable couples in which one party fears being alone so much, that they’d risk public humiliation in order to save a lackluster relationship. That’s called love. And as long as the FAA allows love, there will be a need to sprint through an airport, and thus I present to you: the 3 keys to putting you in a position to win back his/her heart.

1. Figure out at least two weeks in advance what flight your lover will hastily board in attempt to escape. If you sense a strain in the relationship or haven’t been talking in awhile, it’s probably a good idea to start planning ahead for an airport intervention where you can apologize and finally talk things through without it feeling awkward.

2. You’ll want to arrive at the terminal early so you’ll have extra time in case of a last-minute gate change and, more importantly, so you can practice your run a few times. I like to lay down some yellow tape so I’m sure to hit my marks when it’s go-time. This is also a good time to inform security personnel that you are not, in fact, a ticketed passenger and are therefore exempt from the long-lines at the X-ray.

3. Remember, the airline customer service representatives at the gate are there for one purpose, and one purpose only: to help you win back your love. It’s a good idea to check-in with them when you first arrive to discuss your particular goals for the intervention, the shortest route to the gate area, and whether a security cart is available to speed up your misguided dash. And, if you’re there early enough, they might even be able to sneak you a pack or two of delicious sky-snack mix! Man, that stuff is delicious.

And you know what else is delicious? Love. Get it while it’s hot.

Heart, Abe

Issue #6

CHHS SPORTS UPDATE: MEN’S BASKETBALL TEAM ‘NETS’ NEW PLAYER By JFK, Sports Reporter

STUDENT PROFILE: JOHN DARK by Cleopatra, Campus Life Editor

GANDHI’S ADVICE COLUMN: IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET HIM FREE, UNLESS THERE’S A CHANCE HE MIGHT GO ON A BLOODY KILLING SPREE By Gandhi, Advice Dude

POETRY CORNER “Ode to My Dead Son Brian” by Anonymous

CLASSIFIED ADS

CLASSIFIED ADS

To: MY TEAM‘MATE’: I, er uh, think you’re hot. Let’s get together after practice and ‘score’ sometime. And by score, I mean, ‘slam dunk’ you against your ‘backboard’ while you ‘dribble’ all over my ‘ball’. I want to spend more than three seconds in your ‘key’. Signed, your secret love: ABOVE THE ‘RIM’

To: OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN: I never meant to hurt you. You’ll always be team captain to me. When will you see the beauty behind my bewhiskered façade, and realize how much I love you? Always, YOUR SAINT.

To: GANDHI. Hey, I was just editing these classified ads, and read the blurb you wrote above. Thanks, buddy. You’re the best friend ever. From: ABE.

To: MY ‘DARK’ HORSE: We never had a chance to finish our conversation yesterday, re: pouring food over my sexy bod. Let’s meet after the homecoming game tonight, before the dance, and I’ll ‘egg’ you on and ‘milk’ you for all your worth before I let you play with my ‘honey hams.’ Signed, YOUR QUEEN, Nile-wise.

To: OUR BOY: We love you and respect your decision, no matter what you decide. Remember, the space between “SportsCenter” and “Will & Grace” is a spectrum. Just a reminder, though, NBC is showing a W&G marathon this Thursday; if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you. Love, DADS.

To: GESHY: We sure did have some good times this week. I’m so glad you turned out to be a real animal, not some dude in a costume. Now, please stop chewing on my foot. Signed: G-FORCE.

To: CTG: By the thunderbolt of Zeus, we shall be lovers! Hast thee noticed how oft we are together? Is’t uncanny. Until the end of time, C-Z.

To: COLONEL P: In your face, one-eye! Have fun laundering my whites, looooser! I’m purposely not wiping this week to give you something extra to think about before you go making bets you can’t win! Hahahaha! Oh, that’s rich. I think I’ll have some chili con carne now. Always, SCUDSY.

POETRY CORNER

“Ode to My Dead Son Brian” by Anonymous

I’ll never forget the seventeen hours of your difficult birth, When they asked your name, I replied “Brian Parker Scudworth.” You looked just like me, with a little white coat and tiny white toesies, Your skin soft as rose pedals, your musk sweet as posies. And as you know, your lovely mother ran off after labor, Which is just fine, ‘cause that crazy bitch did us both a favor. Oh, I couldn’t wait ‘til you grew, so we could play ball! But then as you aged, it wasn’t like that at all. You wanted to play Nintendo and Sega Genesis instead, So I implanted a Love Chip inside your cute little head. Then for six wonderful months, you were the son of my dreams, And then one fateful day, my recklessness went to extremes. I gambled and lost you in a basketball bet, To a man with one eye patch and one ugly lorgnette, And he promised he’d raise you like he was your poppa But he put you in a cage and fattened you up-a. Then one day I heard horrible news, and I started a-cryin’, Because the Colonel turned you into Gazpacho de Brian. So I write you this ode to show what you’re worth, For you are my dead son, Brian Parker Scudworth.

GANDHI’S ADVICE COLUMN: IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET HIM FREE, UNLESS THERE’S A CHANCE HE MIGHT GO ON A BLOODY KILLING SPREE By Gandhi, Advice Dude

Oh, ye loyal readers of my advice column of which this is the first installment -- I’ve experienced the greatest love of all, and I’ve witnessed the empty heartache that follows, and I’ve come back from that barren wasteland to tell you this: it was all worth it. Yes. It was all worth it. Yes. It was. I once read a really deep poem by a famous poet named Sting, who wrote “if you love somebody, set them free,” and despite the grammatical inaccuracy of the phrase, it really spoke to me. Specifically, I loved my new friend Geshy with all my heart, but I knew that as a genetically engineered mascot, his place was in the wild. So I set him free, but was very sad because I didn’t understand why the song told me to do this. Later on, however, I realized that I only listened to the first half of the song. I always do that, hitting repeat before I get the entire message of the piece. (After all, the start of the song is always the best.) Anyway, the song goes on to say something to the effect of, “if they come back, they are yours; if not, it was never meant to be.” Well, guess what? Geshy did come back! Looks like we’ll be having lots of fun times for years to come! There’s only one part of the Sting poem that doesn’t speak of my experience with Geshy. To be precise, it doesn’t talk about the part where your love goes on a killing spree before returning to you. Maybe if the song had warned me about that part, I wouldn’t have set him free near that orphanage and in the woods that contain dozens of endangered species. Why, Sting, why didn’t you warn me about this part of the universal problem of which you sang so prophetically? The point is, loyal reader, Geshy did come back to me. This means æ if Sting is indeed correct and we can use the transitive property æ that our friendship was indeed “meant to be.” So I’m sure you’ll be seeing lots more of Geshy and me together in the future, unless for some reason I get mixed up in some other crazy scenario next week and forget to include him. But what are the chances of that happening?

STUDENT PROFILE: JOHN DARK by Cleopatra, Campus Life Editor

Hiya! CleeClee here, back with another StuPro!!! This week, we’re profiling Clone High’s newest, sexiest, hottest, coolest, most talented member of the basketball team, John Dark! This mysterious sexpot burst onto the campus scene recently, and has since won the hearts of all ladies with his amazing athletic ability and manly, über-trendy moustache!!! Let’s get to know him, shall we? Yes, we shall! Get to know him!!! J/K!

The Tatler: Thanks for joining us, Johnny D! John Dark: Sure thing. The Tatler: First of all, I think question the entire campus wants to ask, but I get to, is: will you go to the Homecoming Dance with me? John Dark: What? No. The Tatler: What did you say? John Dark: I said no. The Tatler: I’ve never heard that word before. Literally. What does this ‘no’ you speak of mean? John Dark: Uhh... no means no. The Tatler: You can’t use the word in the definition. Everyone knows that. John Dark: Okay... ‘No’ is… it’s like, the opposite of ‘yes’. The Tatler: There’s an opposite of ‘yes’? That totally blows my mind. That’s like saying there’s an opposite of ‘pillow.’ John Dark: Why are we talking about this? Can we get back to the interview? The Tatler: I’m sorry; you’re so right!! Let’s talk about your clonefather. Who were you cloned from? John Dark: Well... uh... hmm... you know Canada? The Tatler: Yes. John Dark: You’re welcome. The Tatler: Wow! Good answer!!! John Dark: Thank you. The Tatler: Changing subjects. Have you noticed how pretty I am? John Dark: You know what? I really have to get back to basketball practice. The Tatler: You can practice on me. John Dark: No, I mean I gonna go take some lay ups. The Tatler: You can lay up on me. John Dark: Very funny, but... I need to practice my drills. The Tatler: You can drill me. John Dark: Ugh. Okay, that’s enough. I’m going to go practice my ball-handling now. The Tatler: You can- John Dark: Enough! [John Dark runs off, knocking over a wastebasket.] The Tatler: J/K, John!!!

Too bad John gave up so early; I was having fun! And he didn’t even give me an opportunity to use my “double team” pun! Oh well!!! Join me next week when I profile a special guest, Ashley Angel from TV’s manufactured boy band O-Town! He’s an American idol! Notice how I didn’t capitalize the ‘i’ in ‘idol’ so as to avoid a lawsuit!!! See you lata, playa hater! Just kidding!!!

CHHS SPORTS UPDATE: MEN’S BASKETBALL TEAM ‘NETS’ NEW PLAYER By JFK, Sports Reporter

The Clone High Fightin’ Helixes men’s basketball team will face its toughest challenge to date this weekend as they face off with arch rivals GESH (Genetically Engineered Superhuman High) in the annual Homecoming game. CHHS has had trouble with GESH in the past, but looks to compete this year with the addition of hunky new star player John Dark. Dark replaces gangly ninny Abe Lincoln as team captain, who couldn’t sink a lay-up if the hoop was waist-high. John Dark, who, incidentally, is the second most handsome player ever to play basketball, joined the team last week after unsuspiciously never being seen on this campus before. He went 18 for 22 in his first game, and shot 4 of 4 from the foul line, for a total of 40 points, without even breaking a sweat. Which is really too bad. Because to see his soft, curvy body glistening with perspiration would be so... oh God. In a recent interview, John Dark claimed to have a total commitment to the game, going as far as shaving his smooth, toned legs for aerodynamic purposes. Upon feeling them, I can attest to their smooth sexiness. Take it from me: they are, uh, very very sexy. When questioned about his unusual locker room behavior, Dark says he showers wearing a bikini and changes into his clothes inside his locker because it allows him to concentrate on the upcoming game without the pressures of being judged by his teammates. Also, he pees sitting down because he gets “tired after those long practices.” As Dark walked off, I wished him a good practice and patted his shapely ass. Many times. I assured him it was nothing sexual -- just something us jocks do. Nonetheless, when Dark became visibly agitated by this, I took it back and “erased” my ass pats by rubbing them off.

Issue #5

NUMBER TWO PENCILS AND YOU: CERTAINLY NOT THINLY VEILED PROPAGANDA By Cinnamon J. Scudworth, your trustworthy principal

CLEO’S BEAUTY TIPS AND NUTRITION CORNER By Cleopatra, Tatler Beauty and Nutrition Expert

POETRY CORNER: “BALLAD OF THE GHOST TRUCKER” By Gandhi

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: I BEG OF YOU, GET 7.5 TO 8.5 HOURS OF SLEEP PER NIGHT OR PAY THE IRREVERSIBLE CONSEQUENCESby Joan of Arc