MY JOURNEY: The Beginning

To whom it may concern,

I have decided to begin a blog that tells the story of my trials and tribulations with Mental Health and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. There are a number of reasons why I have chosen to embark on this task, from spreading awareness of these monstrous illnesses, to simply venting when I am struggling. I hope you will find this useful to yourself, as I am hoping that by sharing my experiences with you, you will feel less alone and isolated when battling with your own demons. To begin this journey I will start by telling you a bit about myself, so if you're sitting comfortably, lets begin…

My “journey” began when I was in Year 8 at Secondary School (aged 13) as I was facing a lot of difficult challenges at home and at school. After a while this started to impact on my mental health and I was referred to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS), a service for children up to the age of 18, and this is where everything began to take a turn for the worse. For the next 6 years I began battling with my Mental Health and even with the help of a team of psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers, I was deteriorating rapidly. I was firstly placed on a programme of counselling in my local centre for CAMHS, which soon turned into a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). However despite me attending weekly sessions, my health did not improve and so it was deemed necessary to start me on a course of medications - a combination of anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and sleeping tables. Since then, I have rotated around a number of different combinations of medications at a number of different dosages.

In February 2017 I was admitted to my first CAMHS inpatient unit under Section 3 of the Mental Health Act of 1983. Little did I know that this was going to be the start of a string of hospital admissions, A&E trips and further Sections. This admission was in the middle of my first year of A - Levels and so I struggled with keeping up my studies as well as trying to mend my body and my mind. After 7 months inpatient, I was discharged just in time for my 18th birthday, however living in the community didn't last for very long and I soon ended up back in hospital.

This time however it was different, as I had turned 18, I was now placed on an adult ward. Of all my units that I have had the misfortune of being on, this one was the worst, I was constantly on 1:1 support - where a member of staff is at arms length from you at all times (this is particularly demeaning when you need to use the bathroom), I began to struggling with what rapidly turned into my Anorexia Nervosa and as well as this, my sleeping became more disjointed and despite having slept for 15 + hours I was still exhausted. Having been admitted for severe self harm with suicidal ideology, along with a whole host of other symptoms, I received my worst diagnosis to date, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). When I was discharged from this unit 4 months later, I was labelled with this horrible illness that since has taken what normal life I had left away from me.

During this ‘free’ time, I lived in a shared house for people with mental illnesses and learning disabilities, where I made friends and began to become re-accustomed to what can only be described as ‘civilian life’. However once again, after being discharged, I barely managed Christmas and New Year before being re-admitted to my local psychiatric unit. This was preceded by a number of trips to A&E and being placed on numerous 136 Sections by Police. Once again I was placed on a Section 3 and I ended up back in the system that I whole heartedly detest. By this crisis point, my mental health became worse that ever with my symptoms increasing as one of my symptoms is to cease taking medications as I detest thinking that I need them. I was back on 1:1 with a bedroom with only a mattress and pillow and spent weeks in rip-proof clothing for my own safety. However, after a month it was deemed that the ward I was on was not suitable for my needs and that I would soon be moved to an Open Rehabilitation Centre. This placement would be one that is considerably longer than any i had pre This was one of the scariest moments for me as I was informed that the unit I would be moving to is a 4 hour drive from my hometown and subsequently  wouldn't be seeing my friends or family that often.

Despite having a very tricky move, from being handcuffed by police, to travelling in the back of an ambulance with restraints on, I arrived at my new unit in March 2018. However as I was so ill, my brain has erased a number of memories from my first few months here. I went from a shy, timid schoolgirl to what can only be described as a ‘vocal, distressed, patient’. I was being injected on an almost daily basis with sedatives and I was being threatened with a move to another PICU (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit). However after regaining some strength and getting my eating disorder to a decent stage of physical health, I began what really I can call my journey to recovery. This journey would be by no means easy or short and I would have to face a number of problems such as Depression and Anxiety, BPD, PTSD and atypical Anorexia Nervosa. Since then, I have had a number of relapses and stages that I thought that I would never recover from but I now know I'm at least in the right place for treatment. However, even though I am now on the path to good health I have also had to fight my corner to be heard sometimes with regards to my illnesses. Since the age of 16, i have struggled with unexplained aches and pains, as well as extreme fatigue that doesn't improve with rest. This when coupled with other symptoms such as migraines is known as “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome’. I had known that I have CFS for a number of months before I received a diagnosis of it as my current consultant just blamed medication and its side effects, so after a long battle I managed to get my voice heard and explain my side of the story. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome effects me in a lot of different ways, but the main problem i face is extreme fatigue that is worsened by any sort of exercise and does not improve with any amount of sleep. I can rest all day and sleep more than 12 hours a night and still wake up with my body feeling like lead. My joints ache for no apparent reason and once again are worsened by exercise.

In late September, i had my Section 3 renewed for another 6 months which now means I will spend Christmas here in hospital but I will visit my family on Boxing Day hopefully. It is now November and I have been in rehab for nearly 9 months but I must say they've been the most productive 9 months of my life. I really feel like I am finally improving, yes I may be taking numerous medications and having psychology on a nearly daily basis along with occupational therapy but I feel like I am improving and also becoming more independent. Hopefully I will continue to look positively at my journey and keep you up to date in the meantime…