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cleareyesfullheartscantlose · 5 years

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8/29/18 A year ago today

A year ago today I met you. A year ago today I was texting my friends about how nervous I was, asking them “are you sure I’m ready for this?” A year ago today I spent way too long getting ready and was late to our first date. Well it wasn’t a date. You insisted and made it abundantly clear it was a friendly hang. We of course debated about this later and we decided it technically counted as our first date. A year ago today I strolled into paradise park. God I was so fucking sweaty. Like the definition of sweaty. I was so nervous. Would you be pretty? Would I be pretty enough? A year ago today I glanced across the bar and then the seats just Searching. Looking for someone who’d maybe be different than everyone I’ve liked or loved before. And then I saw you. You. And I remember thinking “God she is gorgeous, I really hope that’s her.” A year ago today I texted you just to be sure it was. And as soon as you picked up your phone and I realized that it in fact was you....that’s the moment I started and wouldn’t stop smiling about you for next 5 months. A year ago today we talked about the weather. I nervously rambled and kept the conversation going. You laughed at mostly everything I said and we talked effortlessly. A year ago today we accidentally got drunk on a Tuesday. I made jokes about taking notes about you because I wanted to remember it all 📝 We ordered too many drinks because we were both nervous and we didn’t order any food because I liked you and was too nervous to eat. A year ago today I went swimming in those icy blue eyes. A year ago today I asked if you wanted to keep the night going and you to my surprise said “Yes.” A year ago today, I pretended like I was a veteran of Wicker Park to look cool talking about this bar and that. A year ago today we sat down at a dive bar that played vinyl and you sat closer to me, where I toyed with the idea that you might actually like me. A year ago today I flirted with you, and you flirted back. The last time I did that was 3 years prior. A year ago today we had one more drink before I walked you to the Blue line. You had to let your dogs out, and although you wanted to stay longer, you couldn’t do that to them for any longer. God, I like this girl. A year ago today we awkwardly said goodbye under the blue line tracks. I saw in your eyes and knew you wanted to kiss me, but I doubted myself and hugged you instead. I told you to text me when you were home safe, and you told me that you liked a girl that cares. A year ago today i climbed in my uber and I texted my friends saying “I think it went well....I hope it went well. I was myself, what more could I do.” A year ago today you texted me that you had a great time, and you couldn’t wait to do it again. A year ago today I asked you if it was going to be hang out or date and you said “definitely a date :)”

A year ago today You liked me. You really liked me. A year ago today I thought so much was possible with you. A year ago today I don’t remember a moment I didn’t smile after our first date.

11.5 months ago you kissed me. I was rambling because I was so nervous because I knew it was coming. “I like me better when I’m with you” played in the background. 11.5 months ago you did that thing where you bit and sucked on my lower lip and it drove me crazy for the months to come. It still does.

11 months ago we had the best date I’ve ever planned. You kicked my ass at every game at emporium and I remember thinking “I think I’ve finally met my match.” 11 months ago I had the confidence to hold your hand in public. 11 months ago I pushed you against that brick wall and kissed you for 2 hours. I never wanted that date to end.

10 months ago you wanted me. ME. 10 months ago we couldn’t keep our hands and lips off each other. 10 months ago I listed to Bazzi “Mine” on repeat because you were mine.

9 months ago I asked you if you were falling for me, and you said yes. You tried to take it back but I wouldn’t let you. I couldn’t let you. 9 months ago I acted like I wasn’t, but I lied. I was scared you were like her. I was scared if I said it and when I said it, it would be taken away. I asked you first because I needed to know it was real. I really believed it was.

8 months ago we became official and right after we got in a car accident. That fucking car accident. It was my fault. I distracted you. I was stupid in love and serenading you and you weren’t paying attention. 8 months ago a bus hit us head on. 8 months ago everything changed.

7 months ago I noticed something was....off. I asked you what was wrong and You told me it was nothing. you were just off and shaken still from the accident. You also told me that sometimes your depression throws you off but you’d take care of it.

6 months ago was the last time you really made love to me and meant it. It was St Patrick’s day and I met your friends. We had the best day. I was so scared to do PDA and had never wanted you so bad. 6 months ago you climbed in bed and made love to me and I loved you in that moment with every fiber in me. I have never felt more connected and intwined with someone’s emotions like I felt with you. 6 months ago I held you and never wanted to let go. I wish I never did.

5 months ago we went to San Diego hoping this would fix things that felt off. We explored and laughed and flirted....but then we fought. Bad. I said the first set of words I’d regret. “I want to say I’m in love with you, but How can I tell you I’m in love with you when you treat me the way you do and you don’t let me in completely.” We both cried that night. 5 months ago my resentment started.

4 months ago your depression and our fighting got worse. I realized walls were built and I was too stupid to realize it. You stopped touching me. You stopped talking to me. You kept telling me That you’d figure it out but healing takes time and your depression is a rough one but apart of you. 4 months ago I started going to therapy again asking her “what more can I do to be a better partner for her.” 4 months ago you said it was your problem and I needed to “be patient and wait.”

3 months ago I broke up with you. The second thing I most regret. I asked you for non negotiables and you said no. 3 months ago I asked you about a future us and what that looked like and you said “ I don’t know.” I asked you about summer and you said “ I can’t answer that.” 3 months ago you told me that you were seeing your ex on mondays because of school and it was triggering you and I tried to help and support. 3 months ago you yelled at me because I’m not listening and it’s not my problem. You got up from our conversation and walked away to clean. 3 months ago I walked out and drove off because you walked away from the conversation. You tried to stop me but I kept walking and sobbed the whole way home. 3 months ago I tried to take it back and you told me “it’s hard to see a future when You aren’t out yet.”

2 months ago I came out for me but also for you. You helped me so much with this. I wanted to be able to bring around my girlfriend but...you weren’t my girl friend anymore. 2 months ago we tried to make love but it wasn’t...it was the opposite. I hated myself after that. I could tell that the love wasn’t there in that moment. I could tell you resented me in that moment although you’ll never admit it. 2 months ago I kissed you as fireworks went off in my neighborhood. I was out and I never felt so free in that moment with you. This is the last time I kissed you and you kissed me back and meant it. 2 months ago I tried to plan a date and thought you were backing out but and I snapped. I said horrible things that I’ll never forgive myself for. 2 months ago you cut yourself again because of words that I said. I showered you with words made of knives. 2 months ago you ghosted me for 4 days and I lost my absolute shit. I contemplated killing myself. Before I never had a plan but I just sat at the lake and truly thought of ways to go. 2 months ago I showed up at your house because you never texted back like you said you would. You said that all we could be was friends for now. That you couldn’t be in a relationship if you wanted to get back to being the best you. 2 months ago you didn’t come to my birthday. I begged you and you said no. I cried myself to sleep that night and every night this summer.

1 month ago I asked you if you still were in love with me and you said no. 1 month ago I realized it was actually over and I felt broken like I did when she broke me. I lost you and I lost myself by loving you.

2 weeks ago I picked up my stuff from your place. We talked and laughed and cried together for an hour. I apologized and asked you “are you sure.” You told me you didn’t know what you wanted out of life but you told me being in a relationship isn’t something that you could be in right now. You needed to work on yourself. 2 weeks ago was and will be the last time I see you.

4 days ago I found pictures of you and your person. 4 days ago I realized that person isn’t me anymore. 4 days ago I got angry. I don’t get angry. I was So angry I cried and had a panic attack at school. 4 days ago I questioned everything and who you really are. 4 days ago I realized you are a coward and liar. 4 days ago I realized you don’t and won’t care about me ever again. 4 days ago I felt hurt and disrespected by you. 4 days ago I questioned the past 12 months of us. Was it real? Did you actually love me and feel things for me? 4 days ago my therapist told me that what I felt was real. That’s something I guess.

Today would’ve been our 1 year anniversary. I had our one year anniversary date planned out for months. I would’ve taken you back to where we first met. I was going to recreate our first date. This time I would’ve kissed you proudly under those blue line tracks because I’m out and was proud you were my girl and I was yours.

1 year ago I had so many hopes for you and I after that first date. Honestly, looking back at this year makes me so incredibly sad because now I don’t even know what was real about it when it comes to you.

I miss you. Every moment of every day I think about you and miss you. I loved you so much Rach. I really did. The worst part is that I still do. I love you in that unconditional, it’s never going to go away kind of love. I know I snapped but I tried so hard to be the best person I could be for you. I tried this entire year to prove my worth to you. I never gave up on us and I loved ever part of us. The good and even when it got bad. I know I broke up with you but I never actually wanted to. I lost myself by loving you and giving you everything I had.

You promised me you’d never do what she did, but in the end you did exactly that. You stopped loving me. You made me feel worthless. You broke me and then replaced me and lied saying that you needed to focus on you. I gave you my best why did I not get the best of you. Why did you give up on me? Why did you stop trying? Why did I pour my entire heart into you and you not care in the end.

Why am I not good enough for you?

I hope she makes you happy like I failed to. I hope you got yourself healthy before you jumped into it with her. I hope that the problems with Abby and now me don’t happen with this new girl. I really hope and pray you find happiness in this life.

I thought you were it for me. I would’ve given you all of me if it meant keeping you and making you happy. But I’m not And was never going to be that person for you was I? I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I walked away. I broke that promise. That was your non negotiable.

So much has happened in one year. But the biggest realIzation or takeaway is that a year ago we were strangers and a year ago we are strangers again. I thought I had you all figured out Rach. I’ve mean I kept noted for fucks sake. But I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t think I ever really did and don’t think I ever really will. And honestly, I don’t think you know who you are either.

I pray you figure it out. I wish every night you get to be the best you. I only want and hope the best for you because I still care and will always love you. I’m just really sad and sorry the best version of you was never going to end up with the best version of me.

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