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Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way Bruce Wayne looks at John Doe.
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little update
hey
sorry i havent written any fanfics in a while ☹️LMFAO
its summer for me (which means i have more time on my hands) and i actually forgot about my tumblr account time to time... but ill try to remember to make more fanfics!11!!11!1
ill come up with some ideas lol 😳 😳 😳 😳
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guys this is my cousin please go follow her, their fanfics are very awesome and she is the one who helps give me ideas for fanfics! they are very talented!!
introduction / info
hii, my name is bella and my pronouns are they/she. I occasionally post fics. in all honesty, i'll probably just post whatever i'm interested in at the moment, right now being the band ghost, stranger things, some marvel, etc. my fics will always be gn or afab reader!
fics i'll write and am comfortable with
fluff
suggestive
angst (not too experienced with angst so i'm sorry if it's a little bad)
drabbles and one shots
things i'm unsure about
darkfics
vent
shipping
fics I will NOT write and am not comfortable with
smut (anything past suggestiveness is past my limits)
extreme gore / violence
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Cardinal Copia x Gn reader
In a dimly lit room, lying on a mattress, you mumbled, "Cardinal?"
There was no response. It seems he was totally out of it after today's ritual.
Copia kept a tight grip on the blanket sheets, the only thing in the room that provided warmth, other than him. You'd get annoyed by him hogging the sheets.
"God, awkward rat man..!" You exclaimed, and he fell to the ground.
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what im comfortable with
hellooo im cod/dew this is a list for my writing!!
this is for: what im comfortable with and not soo )))
what im comfortable with/do's yay bold text
fluff (who doesn't love fluff hdasj)
I haven't even tried AUs but ill give it shot if I feel like it (i hate coffee shop AUs btw OR OMEGA VERSE DNI DNI DNI)
I do angst but I won't make it too edgy such as "grr alpha awoo"
SONGFICS I WILL DOOO!!
one shots
shippings
fanon
drabbles!!
RPF
unsure of
hurt/comfort
self inserts
vent
darkfics
time travel au
what im uncomfortable with/don'ts
smut
cross overs ive never done but i will not make any.
soulmate AUs (such as soul mates: first words towards you are on your forearm, hear your soulmate singing, but.. the singing soulmate kind of sounds cool, for ghost fics...)
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Begging you to continue the short Papa III x gn reader fic
i’ll think about it 🤩
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Papa Emeritus III x gn reader
As you waited for your queue to perform, you sat on a prop in the middle of the stage. Your shiny platinum mask, with two pointed horns at the top, was illuminated with neon lights. Smoke filled the stage and bright neon lights colored the heavy fog.
You immediately signaled him over as Papa locked eyes with you. Looks like another "homiesexual moment" that usually elicits a roar from the crowd. He sat politely on your lap with his legs crossed and one hand on his thigh. He was still singing into the microphone. While your arm supported his back, you gently leaned him back. Surprisingly, you two were still locking eye contact, the lights reflected off his eyes. He took a glance at the area where your lips were, but it was covered by your mask, which he wished wasn't there. You lifted your mask, leaning in for a kiss. You thought he'd back away in time, and your heart skipped a beat, several beats, probably. You could hear the crowd scream and roar.
This was going to be everywhere on Twitter.
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