Alexander Brown Part One

Brown wakes up in his apartment.  His Toilet is a foot from his stove, which is a foot from the sofa, where he sleeps. These early hours are on autopilot, he lacks actual consciousness until his fourth or fifth cup of coffee. Now at work, a grey cubicle, sounds of typing and occasional chatter echo throughout. He notices someone whos been speaking to his side and realizes his boss holding a stack of papers. "Is that understood?" He says, Brown attempts to smile as he nods. The boss is wearing his "kooky" tie so it's monday, and since it's monday he'll be doing the same crap he does every day, so whatever the boss said doesn't matter. Brown looks to the papers, then to his computer, then to the papers again. Brown forgot what he's even doing here. Robby walks by, the company's in-house philosopher, every week he hands out motivational leaflets. Brown finds them generic and dillusional, yet the material well suitable for toilet paper, which is regulated to 4 squares a day. "Alex-dog!" says Robby "Whatcha workin on hombre?" "I honestly don't know." "Remember what confucius says, Alex-dog, don't matter how slow ya go, so long as ya keep on goin'!" "Heh, that ones not bad Robby." Robby smiles a little more "Thought ya'd like it A-train, peace out." He pats the cubicle wall and leaves. Brown takes the man's advice and slows his progress even more than usual. Muscle memory takes over as he scans the monitor for numbers and typing away at forms. At work, he did only what he needed to get by, otherwise he lived in daydreams. Dreaming of a world without laws, free of man's folly, just the natural world. In his dreams, Brown is a gazelle, spending his days fiddling in the grasslands. His gazelle family consists of a mate and eight kids, and their days are rich with frolicing. A loud beep brings him back to reality. His eleven hour shift is over. He fits into a cramped elevator. There he finds himself beside his boss. "Ah, Alex." He says "How are things?" "Same ol, same ol." "I hear that, are those papers in order?" "All sorted, chief." "Good to hear," the elevator hits the bottom floor and the door opens. "Just one moment, Alex." "Yes?" "You carry your fathers name well, keep up the good work and you'll go far." Brown thinks about how poorly that reflects on the rest of the department, then takes the compliment. "Thank you sir, I'll see you around." On the bus, a woman spots him, someone he once knew well, though now he can't recall her name. "Alex! I haven't seen you in years, how's the civilian life been treating you?" Brown is caught a little off guard, he smiles and says "Been a long time since I saw someone from the old days, and I get by." "Good to hear, you know we could use a guy like you again." "Hope you find one." The woman looks disappointed, and theres a long pause. "Well, I'm sure you know it's not a coincidence I ran into you." "Yeah yeah, sorry but you're wasting your time." "Oh come on, your old man's corporate job? Thats not you." Brown is silent. "Remember when we were both assigned to the Callahan case?" "Heheh, all too well." "I was in the car submitting forms while you grabbed a shotgun and crashed through the window." "Everyone knew that place was a rat house, just too damn scared to do something." "The chief was furious, but you left a hell of a dent on the Callahan mafia. Brown looks longingly out the window. There is a long pause between them, then the girl says "Look, I don't know how to say this but I need to talk to you about something." Brown's expression fades, "Look, it's been nice talking to you, but those days are behind me." The bus reaches his apartment complex. "Wait, the department is falling apart, no one else will help me." The woman tries to stop him but Brown hurries away, refusing to look back. He drops his suitcase and immediately plops on the sofa. Truth be told he wanted to help her, hell part of him would kill to go back to the old days. Then Brown remembers, the man it made him, the things he's done. He buries his head in a pillow and dreams of gazelles. He wakes with a horrible headache. Everything is black, his limbs are tied to a wooden chair. "Hahah, looks like he's moving around." A ogrish voice says. Brown thinks about asking where he his, but realises he won't like the answer. "What are we gonna do to him, boss?" the sound of a mans steps echo, slowly approaching. "Now this is a special guest." this voice is deep, elegant, and strangly familiar to Brown. "What do you want with me?" says Brown. "I'll cut to the chase," the man pulls a hood off brown, whose vision is hazy. "I have a job for you, one you wont like." "Fuck off." "Im afriad you don't have a choice, detective." "I'd rather die, I don't give a shit." "I know you don't, but she cares about hers." The man motions to a henchman, he wheels in a woman, the girl from the bus. She's tied to a wooden board with wheels, striped naked and bruised all over. She attempts a muffled scream. "If you refuse, we'll start killing cops, one by one." Brown looks furious. The man pulls a gun and points it to her head. "I'm going to break you for what you did to us." Knowing theres no good way out of this, Brown decides to play along until he has a plan. "... What do you want me to do?"

The Freezer Isle and Gordon

Gordon is a guy at the store. He really wants some toaster strudels. So he opens the freezer door and when he reaches in an arm pulls him inside; teleporting him to freezer section land.

This mysterious arm is revealed to be none other than Santa Claus, who is here to sell his new limited edition toaster strudels, Santa-flavored delights. Gordon and Santa ride on a snow-mobile to a log cabin. There Santa toasts up his product, icing them up, and serves them to Gordon. The Santa-flavored strudels are heavenly, if the warm joys of Christmas time had smell and flavor, this had to be it. Immediately Gordon pleaded for more and begged for the recipe.

Santa insisted Gordon wouldn't want to know. He let out a hearty ho ho ho and called for a helper elf to take Gordon back to the store. However, when Gordon arrived he went down the hill, and now the elf is taking him even further down. He told the elf he believed the store was up the hill, but got no reply. In the distance he could see huge smoke stacks like those from a factory, but the snow and fog obscured anything else. Nervous Gordon spoke at the elf, saying his daughter was waiting for him and he had to get back. Again, no reply, Gordon knew something was going on so he jumped from the snow-mobile, rolled and tumbled, then started running up the hill.

The elf had no reaction, continuing down to the base of the smoke pillars. Gordon noticed a foul smell in the air, one that reminded him of the time he burnt his finger on the stove. Desperate to return, Gordon huffed and gasped as he sprinted uphill. All around was a hazy fog, but Gordon was sure if he just reached the summit, he could return. The frigid air burned his lungs, yet he felt nothing, just continued running like a lost, scared animal.

Eventually, he collapsed, face first into the snow covered ground. Is this the end? He thought, what a way to go. Without a body or evidence his family would either assume he ran away, thinking he stopped loving them, or was kidnapped, spending years in a futile attempt to find him. Gordon rejected this fate, he had to exert himself to keep going and return for he saw no alternative. Now in a frenzy, he ran upward, ignoring the pain in his muscles and the intense burn in his lungs. Then, huffing at the very peak a tear ran down his cheek and Gordon smiled. There was the door, magically suspended and glowing at the sides, on the other side, the grocery store. He opened it and leaped through.

Genevieve, Gordon's daughter, approached, asking if he got the toaster strudels. Gordon's eyes went wide, he ran up and hugged her, softly saying to come on, we're getting pop tarts this week.

Talking Tomato with Legs: A Bedtime Story

Alright, kiddo, here is a story about a tomato, a talking tomato with legs so he can do stuff. His name is... what's your name again? Jimmy! His name is Jimmy what a coincidence. Alright he's in your favorite place Scoopy's Ice Cream Palace! Tomato guy Jimmy is super happy here because he loves ice cream and eating it is his favorite. He goes to get some strawberry blast cream when the guy behind the counter he has one of those dumb paper hats you like so much he's like "Whatchu doin here tomato man you belong in salads or a ketchup." "I wanna strawberry blast uh in a cone, the sugary one" "Ohhoho new policy you veggie-fruit abomination, tomatoes get sent to the Pitt!" The ice cream guy pulls a diabolical lever behind the counter and the floor falls beneath Jimmy sending him like 8 feet down where he plops on a mattress. "Oh crackers!" Says Tomato Jimmy "This is no place for a talking tomato haha!" Breaking into a nervous sweat. He bumbles around in the dark when he finds a flashlight. Tomato-man waves it around like a light saber for a bit then gets bored, then he finds a door with words on it. "Thee who answereth thisth riddle can maybe get some ice cream which is behind this here door here." Says the voice in Jimmy's head when he looks at the words "What is round and red, has a leafy bit on the top, and is definitely and definitively a vegetable, Terry, you big dumb idiot I..." It stops being important because Jimmy knows the answer "Why, it is I, a tomato oh great door, I now desire entree." The door does not respond so the Tomato just kinda pushes on it for a bit until it opens. Inside is a great hall with chandeliers and paintings of ice cream on the walls and a big dining table with a throne at the end all filled with talking vegetables. The room goes silent as our tomato hero shambles in all befuddled like. "Ummm... My name's Jimmy and I like Ice Cream." The hall erupts with applause and joy and they sing songs replacing the names with Jimmy’s as they hoist him in a chair and spoon Ice Cream in his mouth but not in a sexual way. "This is wonderful! I love Ice Cream so much and this is great being surrounded by creatures similar to I and being liked and all!". The vegetables carry Jimmy to their leader at the end of the room, a cucumber with a paper crown from a burger joint "Oh I love those!" interrupts real Jimmy. The cucumber goes on to inspect the new guy "Greetings fellow vegetable! Here we all eat Ice Cream and watch Veggie Tales!" Jimmy is too busy eating ice cream to listen but cucumber doesn't care, he’s back to watching Veggie Tales. Like a few hours go by but that’s a couple years at least in tomato years so Jimmy is all fat now. Jimmy realizes that ice cream is great and all but this Veggie Tales and ice cream crap gets boring so he stands up "Uhh, Ima go later guys, take it easy" and headed for the door. Cucumber king interrupts "You don't like Veggie Tales! You may never leave! Seize him!" A couple carrots and an asparagus march up to Jimmy who is now crying. Next thing Jimmy knows he is in a cell. Across from him is a rotting apple core with a long white beard who begins in a gruff voice "You... you are as I." "What do you mean ancient one?" "Who are you calling an-!" Apple core man regains his cool mysterious vibe "Ahem, You are a fruit as I am, and as everyone totally knows all fruit people know krav maga." "Krav Maga?" "Yes, it's like karate but cooler." "What you're saying is, I have the power." That one snap song (their only one lets be honest) plays as Jimmy punches his jail open and heads again for the door. "I'm terribly sorry vegetable people, but I am a fruit, I know because I know krav maga." gasps fill the hall and cucumber king approaches "That is irrefutable evidence which also explains why you don't like Veggie Tales, I am no longer offended." Proclaims the king "Here, let me get the door and prepare the ladder." Jimmy leaves Scoopy's, for it is a strange and cruel place. "I guess I am a fruit after all" and Jimmy tomato legs lets out a sharp whistle that summons up a horse and he rides into the sunset because it's the 1700s for some reason. The end. And you tell that dopey ass cousin of yours, real Jimmy, if I have to tell him one more time tomatoes are a fruit I swear im gonna roundhouse kick him.